There's going to be a lot more Krispy Kreme in the UK
Doughnuts, along with cupcakes, are the most irritating food on the planet. Clumps of chewable diabetes that manage to be simultaneously duller than a knot of stale bread and sweeter than the Tooth Fairy's boudoir. And the most irritating of the lot is the cloying, claggy sprinkled shite from Krispy Kreme who are taking over the universe with a little help from simpletons with coagulating blood and no tastebuds.
And it is only going to get worse as Krispy Kreme are reporting strong sales of £33.4 million and an intent to double their presence on the beleaguered, faecally-glazed streets of the UK.
Over the past year, Krispy Kreme have opened six new stores and 50 cabinets in Tesco, expanding into Bristol, Cardiff and Liverpool. This paves the way for the company to rot the insides of many more places, planning to open 10 stores annually for the next five years.
Rob Hunt, Joint Managing Director of Krispy Kreme UK, says: "Our strong performance is the product of our customers' passion for the brand, the quality and variety of our doughnuts and our carefully planned expansion. We are excited about growing into new UK markets and are confident in our expansion plans.
"Krispy Kreme is a brand that consumers are passionate about and our store openings speak for themselves with customers queuing overnight to be the first through the doors."
And he's not lying either. There are idiots out there who stand in endless queues, smacking the saliva from their brown teeth, in anticipation of eating a doughnut that is exactly the same as the much cheaper junk sold in places like Greggs. Ladies and gentleman, we have a new Starbucks on our hands and soon, you'll be able to close your eyes, throw a handful of fat from your veins in the air and, chances are, it'll land on a new Krispy Kreme shop.
Brilliant. Just brilliant.