The onion that doesn't make you weep
First, the shops started selling double yolker eggs, now you can buy an onion that doesn't make you cry.
Of course, there's going to be people acting hard, saying that onions don't make them cry because nuffin makes me bawl mayte, but for the rest of us and our leaking sockets, this is truly the living end.
This weekend, just in-time for St Valentine’s Day for all you onion-based romantics, Asda will be selling onions that you can cut without looking like someone's just pulled your pants down and dumped you at the school prom.
This witchcraft has been developed in Bedfordshire by someone called Alastair Findlay, who has given himself to the betterment of humankind, spent 20 years scarfing down around 500 onions in a bid to breed the tearless veg. He's decided to call the variety, 'Asda Sweet Red'.
Apparently, they're quite sweet and Asda reckon that they're delicious raw, which implies that they might be lousy if you stick them in a pan and start frying them. Either way, like Ribena Toothkind, we've now got Eyekind Onions.
What a world we live in. What appalling breath Alastair Findlay must have.