Tesco buys Giraffe, Asda may buy HMV

13 March 2013

As Marvin Gaye and Tammi Tyrell once sang: ‘The world is just…a great big Tesco.’ Such is their awesome power, that it seems that if you like a brand, chances are a major supermarket will snap it up and make it JUST that little bit more corporate and crappy and dispiriting.

After buying a 49% stake in artisan coffee chain Harris and Hoole - much to the dismay of soul patched hipster veg box bumholes everywhere, who thought they were getting flat whites milked from the teats of Yeo Valley cows - Tesco is now buying middle class children’s restaurant chain Giraffe. Owned by some posh people from Hampstead, the business has 47 branches and is THE place to go if you want an organic smiley face pizza in a wipe clean environment.

It’s all part of a plan to introduce the businesses into Tesco stores, and make them more like actual places - rather than just massive food sheds that make you want to die.

The 50m buyout of Giraffe comes hot on the heels of yesterday’s news that Asda is possibly considering buying the HMV chain, so that once again we may pay over the odds for Emeli Sande CDs.

Is there anything the supermarkets won’t buy? Maybe we can sell them our children, so they can make them stand at the front door handing out free samples of dubiously sourced meatloaf?

TOPICS:   High Street News   Restaurants


  • Dick
    Tesco buys giraffe. Is that to replace the horse meat? Mmmmm giraffe sausages.
  • Mr M.
    I've been to the giraffe in Manchester, bit of a 'safari light' themed restaurant, they are still churning out the same old shite as every other chain restaurant and or bar. It was also Halal.
  • maxtweenie
    They certainly do churn out the same shite as other burger chains, just far more expensive.
  • Lemax
    All of the articles on this site now read like they were written by Mike Hock, who used to fill up the comments section with witless bile. On a positive note; I quite like Giraffe. Kid-friendly, beer, vouchers in near-constant circulation, very low scumbag/unattractive person count and a whole load of crazy crap on the walls.
  • Hugh J.
    Leave Mike Hock alone. Fnarr fnarr.
  • badger
    @ Lemax Witless bile? Of that would be Chewbacca. If you see any comments spewed out by that racist ignoramus, just skip past them; the site instantly becomes a lot nicer just for doing that.

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