Britain to be swamped by sub-nutritious meatball sandwiches

The UK could soon be overrun with branches of Subway, as the American chain announced a major expansion across Britain and Ireland, creating 13,000 jobs. They plan to increase the amount of franchises from 1,731 by 3000 by 2020 – that’s a hell of a lot of not-very-nice sandwiches.


Some might say that the last thing the UK needs is another dire US fast food chain that pumps sugar and additives into everything and creates entire generations of kids who think that food should be 5 foot long and covered in Ranch dressing that looks like Satan’s semen.

But the response to the Subway chain in the UK has been so strong that we represent their biggest market outside America. Their new £2 breakfast range - which includes something terrifyingly visceral called a ‘Mega Melt’- is going down a storm.

Subway Europe’s assistant regional director Mike Charest said (in retail robot speak): ‘The UK and Irish markets have been fantastic success stories for the Subway brand and we see opportunities for further growth as more and more consumers demand great tasting food at a value price-point.’

But what we really need to worry about is this. What will happen to Greggs if Subway take over the country? Will the Meatball Marinara triumph over the sausage roll? Or will Subway be squished by the sheer lardy power of the cheese savoury Big Softee?


  • Spit D.
    Anybody who takes out a Subway franchise should think extremely carefully. You have NO exclusive area - if another franchisee wants to open a shop next door, they can.
  • HowDareYouBlockMyComments
    "another dire US fast food chain that pumps sugar and additives into everything". Can you substantiate this claim? It's unusual to pump meat, veg and bread with sugar. Dressings and meat coatings are likely to have sugar however. Or are you just exaggerating for the sake of sensationalism?
  • Superfreak
    I frucking love subway. I'd eat it every day if my doctors let me.
  • Piero
    So why can't I get a Subway at Canary Wharf!!! damn it...
  • Les D.
    hmm....subways....yummy sub sarnie!!

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