Britain: A nation of mucky minded swine

26 February 2010

A typical Brit, this morning
You. Yeah, you reading this. You dirty bastard. You're so depraved and sordid that you're probably pulling at your genitals as you read this. You've probably got something inserted up your hole as well. I bet you're getting off on my scorn.

You see, historically, we Brits have been branded as being backward in the affairs of the bedroom. We all do it missionary and cum quieter than the lip-smacks of a sleeping dormouse.


The real truth is that, under all our austerity, we're actually a set of mucky buggers as fetish products have shown a sharp spike in sales... according to the completely unbiased view of adult retailer, Temptations Direct. We're all wearing stockings under our business suits like Tory MPs.

It would seem that this recession has stopped us going out, preferring to stay in and rut like farmyard animals. Getting bored of the usual routine, we've turned to buying as much equipment as possible from online nacky sites.

In the last 12 months, sales of fetish equipment have sharply risen. Get this:

Restraints – up 390%
Strap ons – up 370%
Fetish penis rings – up 350%
Clamps – up 340%Masks and hoods – up 290%
Chastity devices and whips/canes also saw a strong growth in demand, with an annual rise in sales of 270% and 180% respectively.

Stephen Hackett of Temptations Direct comments: “Fetish imagery is now firmly ingrained in mainstream pop culture and high street fashion, and it’s regularly seen in movies and TV adverts. Meanwhile, fetish clubs such as Torture Garden remain extremely popular amongst UK club-goers. With financial woes compelling Brits to spend more time at home, it’s hardly surprising that sexually liberated adults are increasingly choosing to experiment with bondage, flogging, role play and dressing up in kink-wear.”

So there you have it. You lot are depraved and sick-minded sex-monsters. Feel free to leave your contact details in the comments and the Bitterwallet team will meet you in a lay-by of your choice. We'll bring our own gimp-masks and wet-wipes.

TOPICS:   High Street News


  • Nobby
    > It would seem that this recession has stopped us going out, preferring to stay in and rut like farmyard animals. Spelling error alert. You got three out of four letters of the word "with" wrong.
  • Nobby
    PS. That is not a typical Brit. He is a street trader in Nottingham, with his stock laid out for sale.
  • Mike
    Wonder how Vaseline sales are doing? Especially family sized pots!
  • The S.
    I'll give you £50000 for that picture of Russell Brand without his wig on
  • dunfyboy
    For £50000 I'll right click>save and mail you a copy.
  • Maude
    Ah, that's where Marcus from Big Brother went.
  • diet s.
    Great post, well written and informative, thank you! I’m taking your advice and appreciate your input. diet software

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