Brace yourself - Wetherspoon to create 250 new pubs
Wetherspoon pubs. You can't move for 'em. They're the McDonalds of the pisscan world with their cheap ale and food that smells of week-old farts. I should know, I was sat in one yesterday amongst old men with faces like rotted blood oranges.
You'll be thrilled to learn that JD Wetherspoon has announced it will open 250 pubs over the next five years, creating 10,000 jobs in the process and prompting double that figure in hapless alcoholics.
The group opened 39 pubs in the year to the end of July, and had already announced it would open 40 new pubs by the middle of next summer... just in time for the FIFA World Cup. It's ploughing £250m in the new boozers over the five years.
Quite how they manage to make a profit is beyond me... selling guest ales for £1.75 a pop... but they are, as the company recently announced record sales in the year to the end of July, with pre-tax profits up 13% on a year earlier.
"Our pubs are extremely popular and we wish to build on their success by opening more," said Wetherspoon's chairman Tim Martin.
So which towns and cities should shudder at the thought of brawling mongs and screeching other halves? Sites include Sheffield, Livingston, Leominster, Otley, New Malden, Liverpool, Haverfordwest and Newcastle.
There's already 743 Wetherspoon pubs operating in the UK. Before long, there will only be Wetherspoons pubs and we'll be known as a nation of people with loose stools.