Boots - A Christmas Tale (Featuring Lies, Incompetence And Fury)
Boots. A curious sort of company. Some would say they’re like Woolworths but with a wider range of arse cream. Others would describe them as an amateurish, backwards-looking hotch-potch of a business model, selling loads of stuff under one roof that you can get cheaper elsewhere. So, like Woolworths but with a wider range of arse cream then.
Like Woolies, for a supposedly massive company, Boots have spectacularly failed to get to grips with e-commerce. Their website is littered with glitches and if you’re looking to take advantage of a particularly hot deal, you can face a trying ordeal of error messages and on-screen gobbledegook.
My partner and I went through that very experience on December 19th as we attempted to snap up three No.7 ‘Ultimate Skincare’ sets as Christmas gifts for three lovely lady relatives. After much web-snarlage, the order was accepted and the confirmation email arrived.
Thanking us for our order, and quoting a delivery date of 23rd December (close, but just the right side of Christmas), the email warned that, “We are now unable to change or cancel this order for you.” Good. Very reassuring. Thanks.
On the 22nd December, another email arrived from Boots. Not good. Very unreassuring (maybe not a real word). Shite. It breezily said, “As requested, we have cancelled your www.boots.com order.” Eh? C-c-c-cancelled??
“This order has been cancelled and you will not be charged.” Woah, hang on a fucking minute. We didn’t cancel the order. We really, REALLY wanted the order. As well as the Christmas gifts for our lovely lady relatives, it also included a stair gate that would help stop our increasingly-adventurous one-year old from treating the stairs like a baby version of Ben Nevis. All cancelled. But definitely not by us.
Some would say, “Oh well, unlucky, still time to go out and buy an alternative gift from the shops, eh?” They should try saying that to my beetroot-toned rage-face. I don’t want to be anywhere near a fucking shop with 48 hours left before Christmas. THAT’S WHY I ORDERED THE FRIGGING STUFF ON THE INTERNET.
It seems likely that the No. 7 gift sets had sold out by the time they got round to sending us ours. Never mind. But hang on a tick – what about, “We are now unable to change or cancel this order for you”? If that was indeed the case, then where does “As requested, we have cancelled your www.boots.com order” come from? It’s a non-cancellable order – your bloody email told us. All evidently utter bullshit.
So screw you Boots and the horse you rode in on. For your information, the last-minute, home-made replacement gifts were a disaster. Our highly-strung Auntie Violet was irate when we gave her a coat hanger with some tinsel on it. So much so that I’m now off to Superdrug to top up on arse cream.