Mary Portas pips Bitterwallet to Retail Tsar job
When your crack team of Bitterwallet editors got wind of the fact that the government were looking for a ‘Retail Tsar’, we immediately smartened ourselves up, made a vow to cut down on the potty language and headed for Downing Street with our credentials gripped between our bared teeth.
Sadly, by the time we got there (after Mof had been barred entry for being a ‘known dissenter’) we were greeted by the sight of Mary ‘Queen Of Shops’ Portas emerging from the big door, a massive shit-eating grin pasted across her pasty face.
Yes, La Portas has been handed the role of sorting out the problem of empty shops and the emergence of ‘clone towns’ that are filled with the same old chain stores, as President Cameron declares that the high streets of Britain need to become more ‘vibrant and diverse’. She’s probably got more chance of curing leg cancer using a kids’ chemistry set and a catapult to be honest.
As we stood and watched, Lady Portas stomped up Downing Street, roaring: "I am calling on businesses, local authorities and shoppers to contribute their ideas on how we can halt this decline in its tracks and create town centres that we can all be proud of."
We wish her luck – our plan of abolishing supermarkets, forcing banks to lend more to small businesses and giving away free plastic flutes with every purchase over £10 everywhere was possibly too complex and/or unreasonable.
What would YOU do if you were Mary Porta? Yes, apart from THAT...