Mary Portas pips Bitterwallet to Retail Tsar job

17 May 2011

mary portas When your crack team of Bitterwallet editors got wind of the fact that the government were looking for a ‘Retail Tsar’, we immediately smartened ourselves up, made a vow to cut down on the potty language and headed for Downing Street with our credentials gripped between our bared teeth.

Sadly, by the time we got there (after Mof had been barred entry for being a ‘known dissenter’) we were greeted by the sight of Mary ‘Queen Of Shops’ Portas emerging from the big door, a massive shit-eating grin pasted across her pasty face.

Yes, La Portas has been handed the role of sorting out the problem of empty shops and the emergence of ‘clone towns’ that are filled with the same old chain stores, as President Cameron declares that the high streets of Britain need to become more ‘vibrant and diverse’. She’s probably got more chance of curing leg cancer using a kids’ chemistry set and a catapult to be honest.

As we stood and watched, Lady Portas stomped up Downing Street, roaring: "I am calling on businesses, local authorities and shoppers to contribute their ideas on how we can halt this decline in its tracks and create town centres that we can all be proud of."

We wish her luck – our plan of abolishing supermarkets, forcing banks to lend more to small businesses and giving away free plastic flutes with every purchase over £10 everywhere was possibly too complex and/or unreasonable.

What would YOU do if you were Mary Porta? Yes, apart from THAT...

TOPICS:   Government

10 comments

  • klingelton
    seems blindingly obvious to me. the reason people go to out of town shopping complexes and supermarkets and the internet is because of extortionate parking fees levied in our city centres. The reason we have chain shops is because of extortionate shop rental prices. make parking free and lower the rent on retail units.
  • Marky M.
    I'd grow old gracefully for starters. Cameron should also try doing some research: just because she's on the tellybox doesn't make her the best at her job. Look at Lenny Henry.
  • Grassy T.
    Is it me, or is "competent" now synonymous with "has own TV show"? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that Mary Porter is very good as what she does, but is she the best? Was she chosen because of the contents of her CV or because she's on the telly?
  • Alexis
    Klingelton is right. That's why everybody goes to the Trafford Centre instead of the centre of Manchester. The exception being footballers, for whom a £35 ticket for parking on double yellows is a bargain.
  • Sam
    I love how our government has become more interested in hiring celebrities than people who are remotely qualified to do the jobs they are tasked with.
  • klingelton
    e.g. alan sugar as business guru. All because he's on the telebox. @ Alexis - I know I'm right! why else would you waste a day pushing past the masses of the great unwashed in the bloody trafford centre. I hate that place.
  • Paul
    @Alexis I saw some "celebrity" (my GF pointed her out, I couldn't tell you her name but she's on TV) held up half of Deansgate while she parked up and put spent the next 10min filling her 4x4 up with shopping bags. I've also lost count the number of Audi R8s, Ferraris, Maseratis parked up on double yellows
  • Andy
    HUKD is what's killing the high street :P
  • Brad
    Theres something about Mary Portas that does it for me..... Dont ask what, Im not even sure myself.
  • charitynjw
    Lady Portas stomped up Downing Street, roaring: “I am calling on businesses, local authorities and shoppers to contribute their ideas on how we can halt this decline in its tracks and create town centres that we can all be proud of.”................No ideas of her own, then??!!

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