Ban this filth! Local government says no to strippers, gamblers and doner meat
The High Street is under attack! Not from aliens or Nazis, but from takeaways, strip clubs and bookmakers! That’s the message from the local governments across the land, which has been leaked on the day when the bookmakers are absolutely raking it in.
New research by the Local Government Association shows that the town halls of the UK want more powers to deal with the aforementioned dens of sin and kebab meat, as there are real worries that they are becoming a blot on the otherwise-pristine High Streets.
It seems that the powers-that-be would prefer the sight of local retail shops, restaurants, butchers and libraries. Yes, butchers. So they like the idea of meat, just not kebab meat.
Councillor Clyde Loakes, vice-chair of the LGA's environment and housing board, said: "The general public are less likely to shop on High Streets with clustering, while businesses may be less willing to set up on roads with clusters of unsavoury takeaways and raunchy sex shows."
Come on Clyde Loakes (love the name by the way), it could be worse – you could have raunchy takeaways and unsavoury sex shows instead. Imagine THAT.