Rent a professional mourner for your funeral

Are you unpopular? Are you a bitter, petty and vindictive swine who alienates everybody around you with your stinkbomb of a personality? Well, worry no more, because when you die, you can now rent someone to cry at your funeral for just £45!

The trend for professional mourning started in China and the Far East, and now the service has extended to Essex. The agency, Rent a Mourner, have 20 actors (or ‘moirologists’ as they’re technically known) for hire to make up your funeral numbers and have a good old grief stricken blub at the back of the church.

The Chinese swear by rented sobbers, and it’s also a service that’s popular in the Middle East, where much wailing and gnashing of teeth is used to mark the passing of loved ones. The rise of multiculturalism in the UK has led to more demand here, causing Ian Robertson to start his sad agency in Braintree.

‘It is growing in the UK - our bookings are up 50 per cent year on year.' he says.' Our staff will meet with the client beforehand and agree "the story", so our staff will either have known the deceased professionally or socially. They will be informed of the deceased's background, achievements, failures etc., so they can converse with other mourners with confidence.’

So next time you’re at a funeral, check out the back row for a hammy actress with an onion in her hanky who says: 'Boo hoo -£45 please.'


  • Yubba B.
    Classic, love how journalism and Bitterwaller are the new words for Plagiarism
  • wow
    How much is it for Rhianna, as pictured ?
  • Daily M.
    I'd go to Chewbacca's funeral, just to make fucking sure.
  • Dick
    I'd change the story - they would never know any way. Gay lover / extortion gang member / paedophile buddy, think of the fun you could have and get paid.
  • Chewbacca
    You know guys, you all pretend to dislike me, but you seem to talk about me a hell of a lot. Maybe if you didn't, I might just go away... lulz
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    I all the time used to read article in news papers but now as I am a user of web therefore from now I am using net for articles, thanks to web.
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