Do you want a free pass to heaven? You're in luck
Do you believe in God? Are you one of those people that doesn't really believe, but is worried about the off-chance that there might be something higher than us, so you'd like to keep your spiritual toe in because you'd rather be in heaven than hell?
Well, you don't have to worry about being moral or good anymore because you can by a heavenly favour from eBay, thanks to one selfless soul.
You can now bid on a 'credit in heaven'. Buying your way into the choir invisible? That's what Masons do, so why not avoid all that knee-tickling nonsense and idly win an internet auction instead, while scratching your arse in front of the telly?
The listing says: "I have, from time to time, done voluntary work for a Christian church. The pastor has told me that my work has earned me credit in heaven."
"I’m not a Christian, and I don’t think I’ll get to heaven, so I would like to sell my credit to someone who can use it."
"I can’t give any details about how much credit there is, or how to claim it, but I am assured that it’s a very good thing to have."
So there you have it. Win this bid, and you don't have to worry about going to church, Christenings, prayer, being nice to anyone, not murdering, your inevitable suicide attempts or any of that rubbish because, if you win this, you'll already be on God's good side.
Feel free to bid right here, amen,