Worm provokes fun Sainsbury's letters
Complaining is a fine art, and most people who have worked in the service industry know that being nice, and discrete, is a good way of getting what you want out of the bargain.
Sometimes, messing about can be good too, provided you're deemed to be actually funny.
Well, one lady called Leila Daly found a worm in her lettuce, and decided to have some fun with Sainsbury's over on Facebook.
She posted a photo of the worm, and herself looking all sad, to the Sainsbury's Facebook page, and that's when the fun started.
Here's the little worm... and Leila, doing her best glum face.
Leila told the supermarket that their lettuce had made her 'fat', because the worm had put her off her salad, and she ate a burger instead which made her put 12 stone on.
Sainsbury's were in the mood to play.
Leila's note included her cats "headbutting the wall in shock", a divorce, and how she'd soiled herself.
Her full message said:
"Dear Sainsbury's, it is with a sad heart that I write to inform you that your lettuce made me fat."
"Today, starving, I entered my kitchen to make my lunch. Upon opening this fine lettuce, I noticed someone had already began eating it. Who, may you ask? Well it was this little worm."
"As you can imagine I was absolutely horrified. My children started crying, my cats started headbutting the wall in shock, I soiled myself, my husband divorced me, it was complete madness."
"I sat on the floor crying for a little over an hour. Until, puffy and red, I gave in and ate a burger. This was solely because I could not eat the lettuce purchased from you. Due to that burger, I instantly gained 12 stone. This is through no fault of my own and entirely due to the wormy lettuce."
"What kind of establishment allows worms on food that comes from the ground? Do you want me to die? What if I get worms and they eat my insides and then my children will be without a mother? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Due to my failure as a person I have now become a fat prostitute. Again, this is solely your fault."
"I have enclosed a picture of the offending item along with what my dinner should have looked like if not for the offending worm."
"Hang your heads in shame. Fire all your staff. Close down your business. There is no other way."
"Sincerely, Leila Daly"
"Hi Leila, what a terrible situation. That poor worm, munching away on some lettuce, all content with his life. Now he's playing the starring role in a horror story. I hope you've been able to calm the children, selling them the clear benefits of the situation. I mean, worms are easy pets to keep, I assume?"
"Although, a 12 stone weight gain from a burger, that's quite the achievement. Not at all your standard burger, it sounds amazing."
"Was it one of ours, as I'd like to try it? Judging by your picture, you make a mean salad, perhaps salads could be an alternative option to your new career move?"
"Of course, it's clear we should hang our heads, and worms certainly don't belong in lettuce, but as an alternative to closing down and issuing P45s, how about we sort a refund, with maybe a little extra to help feed your new friend and treat yourself to something nice on us? Drop us a PM, we can discuss. Ross"
Of course, as soon as these posts started getting liked and shared, everyone concerned was egged on.
"I am willing to consider a transfer to salad maker rather than a career as a fat prostitute. Good idea Ross. I will definitely mull this over," replied Leila.
"As for the imminent closure proceedings, I am willing to let you keep your stores if you buy me a Ferrari and a fresh lettuce. If we make a deal I'll call off my lawyers."
"In terms of my little wormy friend (Jackie Chan), you will be most pleased to hear that he was very much alive when he appeared in my house. We have sent him to live in the garden, however, he has been terrorising the neighbours dog so we are actively seeking a worm foster home. Any pointers would be necessary."
"Further to the above, we must discuss arrangements for worm care. I feel like whilst you sent your pet to live with me you should contribute towards the household bills. He's an avid Netflix fan, and has requested we run a TV and electricity into the playhouse in the garden which he refers to as “King Jackie's Kingdom of doom". Perhaps that's something you could assist with until we locate a foster home."
"The burger was indeed bought from your store, it was a rustlers quarter pounder and I'm just thankful that Jackie didn't get hold of it or we would be having some incredible worm problems right now. Superworm, perhaps?"
"I look forward to your response, Leila."
Sainsbury's gets stuck into negotiations:
"A fresh lettuce, I could organise. Well, points or a gift card for you to buy one at least. Hopefully Mr Miyagi won't be hitching a ride on that one."
"The Ferrari might be a little tricker. How about a packet of Taste the Difference cookies instead, they're the Ferrari of their field after all? Not sure Jackie's looking for a foster home."
"Word on the ground is that he's found a wormfriend, ideal for Netflix and chill, so I don't think he's up for a move. I'm sure the neighbour's dog will get used to his new friend. Maybe have a chat with Jackie – does he need a guard dog for his Kingdom of Doom?"
"Ah, yes, Rustlers. I'm familiar with their burgers. A good choice. I wouldn't be up for sharing my Rustlers with a human, never mind Jackie the worm. Maybe the 'little extra' I mentioned could buy you another one, although another 12 stone might be too much of a risk. Ross"
"I have considered your offer, and you've spoken to the fat prostitute in me."
"Cookies do seem like a good settlement and I am partial to the taste the difference range. I particularly applaud the subtle advertising there."
"I will have a chat with Jackie, but I think I'll call ahead first. Not sure I want to interrupt his Netflix and chill with Mrs Chan. You will definitely need to help with maintenance costs, and setting up Netflix. That part is non negotiable."
"If I find Mr Miyagi on the fresh lettuce I'll be personally delivering him back to your store with a suitcase full of his belongings. I just don't have the space for two lodgers right now, and Jackie might want to move his girlfriend in so we're already tight on space."
How did it all pan out? Sainsbury's gave Leila a £10 gift card, and Jackie Chan the Worm got a Netflix card.