Booze is 'obscenely' cheap, but death is expensive
You may have been to That London and baulked at the price of a pint, but the reality is that you've never had it so good.
Apparently, the price of alcohol is "obscenely low" and champion booze hounds/alcoholics are being subsidised by boozeless bores/ordinary shoppers in supermarkets, according to medical experts.
Speaking at the British Science Festival in Bradford on Tuesday (our generation's Woodstock), they called for the government to take some action, worrying that the rising consumption of sweet, sweet liquor is going to kill us all.
"A gram of cocaine in Yorkshire costs £40 [whereas] 40 grams of alcohol costs a pound if you buy white cider at £2 for a 2 litre bottle," said Robin Davidson, a clinical psychologist and chair of the newly launched charity, Alcohol Research UK. "The price of this drug is obscenely low."
Ian Gilmore, consultant at Royal Liverpool Hospital, said that moderates are "almost certainly currently subsidising the heavy drinker in the supermarket. All the hooks to get people into supermarkets are drinks adverts – they're subsidising and discounting alcohol instead of fruit and vegetables. If there was no discounting of alcohol, it's likely that the shopping basket would be cheaper for people who do not drink heavily."
A study reckons that, if the UK reduced its overall ale consumption, it could prevent more than 250,000 deaths from liver disease in the next 20 years. But you may as well kill yourself prematurely with liver failure because the cost of death has rocketed, ensuring that any savings you make on beer are lost to the Grim Reaper.
The average cost of dying has risen to £7,248, according to a survey. That's a rise of 20% since 2007. The big increase has been the rise in funeral costs, which have gone up by 61% over the past seven years. Seeing as this trend is not looking to slow, Bitterwallet advises that you exploit the cheap drink until you're a reasonable age, and then make a rash, drunken decision to throw yourself off a cliff while sozzled beyond repair.