10 Ways To Piss Off Your Bank
Now that they've f***ed everything up and are having to accept billions of pounds of taxpayers’ cash to cover their arses, there surely isn’t anyone else on the high street that boils the blood of its customers quite so much as your ‘friendly’ bank. But we don’t have to take it any more – here’s how you can get your revenge.
1: KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR CASH
Make an appointment with the branch manager. When you get there, ask to see your money. This will upset him. Then, check the serial numbers on the notes and complain that it isn’t the same money you deposited.
2: MAKE YOUR OWN CHEQUES
Present something ridiculous like a tractor tyre as a cheque. This is perfectly legal, as long as it has all of the correct details and signature on it like a normal cheque. The bank won’t like it but they will have to accept it.
3: WASTE THEIR TIME AND YOURS
Pay a pound into your account and then withdraw it straight away. Then go to the back of the queue and when you get to the front, do it all again. It’s best to do this with a few mates so that you can really take up loads of the bank’s precious time.
4: GET YOUR HANDS ON EVERYTHING YOU CAN
If your bank offers statements in Braille or large type, ask for them. Same goes for left-handed cheque books. Say you like to write with alternate hands on alternate days.
5: BECOME A SHAREHOLDER
Buy a few shares in your bank and suddenly you’ve got the right to go to their AGM. Once there, you can ask stupid questions, try to start a singalong or just pretend to fall asleep. You might even get some free tea and biscuits.
6: BE SECURE
Ring up your bank and they’ll probably ask you a dozen security questions. Get your own back by telling them you’ll only deal with one nominated person in future and that they have to have a unique PIN number – one with 30 digits in it.
7: SAY YES
Banks love to sell you stuff and are desperate for you to have a ‘personal review’ of your account. This gives them the chance to flog you credit cards and loans that you don’t want. Make an appointment for a review but don’t bother to turn up. A quick call to say that you’re running late for the appointment will help twist the knife further.
8: FEIGN IGNORANCE
Pretend you can’t understand your statements and ask to sit down with an account manager. Revel in the look on his face as you ask him to explain what a direct debit is. Be as obtuse as you possibly can.
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9: BE SILLY
Find out just what they will and won’t let you do. Ask if you can deposit your goldfish into your account while you go on holiday. If they say no, tell them you’ll leave a pound coin in the fish’s bowl for your account. They’ll probably still say no but you’ve wasted their time and that’s the important thing.
10: REMIND THEM THAT THEY’RE SCUM
One Yorkshire Bank customer was so pissed off with them that he changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. Then the bank had to change the name on all of his debit cards and cheque books. Result.