Ten Advertising Mascots That Should Be Taken Out And Shot
Adverts. It's like they're purposefully trying to annoy us into submission these days. Once upon a time, it seemed almost accidental, but now, they know that by yelling WEBUYANYCARDOTCOM at us, they'll earworm us and make their awful commercials stick in our already cluttered heads.
However, there are some commercials that have mascots and they're the pits because, not only do you have the earworm element, but you also have a moving, chattering thing to aim your ire at. As such, here's a list of advertising mascots who we should round up, flog in a public space and then take it in turns shooting them until there's nothing left other than a foetid stain. The list, with reminders, is over the jump. With the Wonga nanas make the cut?
It's worth pointing out that these videos are in no particular order and that you are implored to suggest your own. There's a million more commercials out there with jarring, exasperating mascots designed to burrow into our minds like ticks under a sheep's eyelid.
1. Mr Muscle
Remember the old Mr Muscle? He was a bit of a dweeb wasn't he? Something of an underdog. We all love an underdog. And then, some pillock decided to kill off the squirt in his vest and replace him with a muscle-bound CGI superhero with no genitals and and bright orange arse. Terrible, hateful super-cleaning dickhead. That goes for the 'new and improved', 'sexy' Captain Birdseye as well. Kick them both face first into the blades of a combine harvester.
2. Aleksandr Orlov
The meerkat from the Compare The Market ads never really made any sense and was always a bit irritating. However, things went weird when Orlov became something of a celebrity, getting his own book out (or, an advertisement for Compare The Market that you're actually willing to buy) and range of toys. Lately, the people behind him seem to think it'll be a good idea to portray him as a slave master, working Sergei into an early grave with absolutely no concern. That's Compare The Market that. They work their staff hard and don't care that they die. At least that's what the commercials are telling me.
3. Gio Compario
You can be stranded on a desert island. You can go to space. You could go backward in time. You could commit suicide. It doesn't matter where you go. Gio Compario will find you and sing at you. He's chilling in his persistence. Someone must cut his head off and burn it.
4. New Andrex Puppy
The old Andrex puppy was kinda cute and could be stomached. Just. However, again, someone decided to create some CGI hell. Now the Andrex puppy dances on its hind legs, uses special puppy computers to access its emails (or look at dogs shagging online) and has become something of a human. Remember the good old days when puppies didn't have houseparties and we could just take them to the canal in a bag of bricks and no-one would bat an eyelid?
5. Barry Scott
Barry Scott. A man with a volume control that is either 'off' or 'eleven'. We can only hope he dies by drinking some of the Cilit Bang! he flogged all those years ago.
6. Michael Winner
Take one infirm, sickly looking nincompoop and ask him to not only 'act', but also, to empathise with Joe Public and HEY PRESTO! you find yourself in a position you never thought possible - someone, against all the odds, managed to make Michael Winner even more hateful than he was before.
7. Frosties Kid
The rumour that The Frosties Kid died turned out to be true. The gigantic sigh of disappointment over the non-death of a young person showed a darker side to the world's collective mindset... however, the Frosties commercial above is absolutely unforgivable. We hope Tony The Tiger has placed a bounty on this kid's head. And we don't mean the chocolate bar.
8. Cup-A-Soup Monster
Dismembered hairy arms propel themselves through the air to latch on the neck of anyone drinking instant soup. What's to like about that? You'd rather hang out with the WKD lads than be attacked by ghoulish, flying arms. Maybe.
9. Cara Confused
Okay. 'Cara' has the most nauseating haircut on television and amdrams it up while singing a variety of awful, awful, awful songs like a dead-eyed Glee clubber. And to sell what? It doesn't matter because the advert has already made you remove your eyeballs with a hedgestrimmer.
10. Silent Night
That duckling. That hippo. They're clearly partners. They share a bed every night. Thus, posing the question - how on Earth is that duckling still alive after that hippopotamus forcibly threw it's penis into it? By the time any 'silent night' love-making had finished, surely the duckling would end up resembling a battered windsock? Aside from all that, it's a duckling! IT'S UNDERAGE!