Ten Advertising Mascots That Should Be Taken Out And Shot

25 May 2012

Wonga+TV+advertAdverts. It's like they're purposefully trying to annoy us into submission these days. Once upon a time, it seemed almost accidental, but now, they know that by yelling WEBUYANYCARDOTCOM at us, they'll earworm us and make their awful commercials stick in our already cluttered heads.

It's unbearable.

However, there are some commercials that have mascots and they're the pits because, not only do you have the earworm element, but you also have a moving, chattering thing to aim your ire at. As such, here's a list of advertising mascots who we should round up, flog in a public space and then take it in turns shooting them until there's nothing left other than a foetid stain. The list, with reminders, is over the jump. With the Wonga nanas make the cut?

It's worth pointing out that these videos are in no particular order and that you are implored to suggest your own. There's a million more commercials out there with jarring, exasperating mascots designed to burrow into our minds like ticks under a sheep's eyelid.

1. Mr Muscle

Remember the old Mr Muscle? He was a bit of a dweeb wasn't he? Something of an underdog. We all love an underdog. And then, some pillock decided to kill off the squirt in his vest and replace him with a muscle-bound CGI superhero with no genitals and and bright orange arse. Terrible, hateful super-cleaning dickhead. That goes for the 'new and improved', 'sexy' Captain Birdseye as well. Kick them both face first into the blades of a combine harvester.

2. Aleksandr Orlov

The meerkat from the Compare The Market ads never really made any sense and was always a bit irritating. However, things went weird when Orlov became something of a celebrity, getting his own book out (or, an advertisement for Compare The Market that you're actually willing to buy) and range of toys. Lately, the people behind him seem to think it'll be a good idea to portray him as a slave master, working Sergei into an early grave with absolutely no concern. That's Compare The Market that. They work their staff hard and don't care that they die. At least that's what the commercials are telling me.

3. Gio Compario

You can be stranded on a desert island. You can go to space. You could go backward in time. You could commit suicide. It doesn't matter where you go. Gio Compario will find you and sing at you. He's chilling in his persistence. Someone must cut his head off and burn it.

4. New Andrex Puppy

The old Andrex puppy was kinda cute and could be stomached. Just. However, again, someone decided to create some CGI hell. Now the Andrex puppy dances on its hind legs, uses special puppy computers to access its emails (or look at dogs shagging online) and has become something of a human. Remember the good old days when puppies didn't have houseparties and we could just take them to the canal in a bag of bricks and no-one would bat an eyelid?

5. Barry Scott

Barry Scott. A man with a volume control that is either 'off' or 'eleven'. We can only hope he dies by drinking some of the Cilit Bang! he flogged all those years ago.

6. Michael Winner

Take one infirm, sickly looking nincompoop and ask him to not only 'act', but also, to empathise with Joe Public and HEY PRESTO! you find yourself in a position you never thought possible - someone, against all the odds, managed to make Michael Winner even more hateful than he was before.

7. Frosties Kid

The rumour that The Frosties Kid died turned out to be true. The gigantic sigh of disappointment over the non-death of a young person showed a darker side to the world's collective mindset... however, the Frosties commercial above is absolutely unforgivable. We hope Tony The Tiger has placed a bounty on this kid's head. And we don't mean the chocolate bar.

8. Cup-A-Soup Monster

Dismembered hairy arms propel themselves through the air to latch on the neck of anyone drinking instant soup. What's to like about that? You'd rather hang out with the WKD lads than be attacked by ghoulish, flying arms. Maybe.

9. Cara Confused

Okay. 'Cara' has the most nauseating haircut on television and amdrams it up while singing a variety of awful, awful, awful songs like a dead-eyed Glee clubber. And to sell what? It doesn't matter because the advert has already made you remove your eyeballs with a hedgestrimmer.

10. Silent Night

That duckling. That hippo. They're clearly partners. They share a bed every night. Thus, posing the question - how on Earth is that duckling still alive after that hippopotamus forcibly threw it's penis into it? By the time any 'silent night' love-making had finished, surely the duckling would end up resembling a battered windsock? Aside from all that, it's a duckling! IT'S UNDERAGE!

TOPICS:   Advertising


  • vibeone
    I want to take Mike's mum's tits out and shoot them... with cum! Then like it off after.
  • Tweedskin
    @Vibeone "Then Like it off after".... You're doing it over Facebook are you?
  • DP
    How about the Foxy, the Foxy Bingo mascot?
  • vibeone
    Fuck you Tweedskin I can't help it if I'm thick as pig shite! Did I tell you I was once most popular over on HUKD, until I got banned for being a dick. That reminds me Mike....
  • Chewbacca
    "The meerkat from the Compare The Market ads never really made any sense" Really? LET ME EXPLAIN IT TO YOU. The "plot", basically, is that people were going to comparethemeerkat.com instead of comparethemarket.com, thus overloading the meerkats website etc. Tenuous, but obvious. HOW FUCKING DIFFICULT IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND? FUCKING CRETINOUS MORONS. I mean, really. This is why we have shit ads. Even the barely "clever" ones go right over the heads of most of the retarded population of this shit & piss stained boil on the rectum of the planet.
  • Marky M.
    The skinhead characters who used to flog us Weetabix. I mean, skinheads are just great, aren't they? I just want to hug them for their swastika tattoos and speed addictions and paki-bashing. Mwah! MWAH!
  • plop
    You missed the disturbing Argos alien family, the horrible little twerps in the BT ads and the nauseating Dolmio puppets.
  • vibeone
    ^ All posts above are fake. However, while the faker is being honest, and more importantly giving Mike Hock's mum a good time, I'm happy to accept that fakery comes with being as massively popular as I am.
  • vibeone
    ^ That is also fake, like Mike's mum's cock.
  • LanceVance
    That fucktard Mr Sheen. Not the first one he was ok. The new jumped up little fuck who likes flying around in his plane, twat.
  • Loads m.
    Shake & vac, to bring the freshness back ...
  • LanceVance
    Isnt the cup-a-soup just an ad about sexual harrasment at work? Anyway sod this its to hot by this computer. I'm off to smoke some weed. or speed or crack.
  • vibeone
    ^ its true. but its not really a crack. More a perished windsock.
  • Boris
    Thanks Chewbacca. That's what I was starting to suspect.
  • Chewbacca
    Boris, it's true... I think.
  • Boris
    Thanks Chewbacca. I'm surprised that there was a site dedicated to comparing meerkats. I hate them, skulking little rat people, but I understand that somebody must like them. I just didn't think the would be a big enough demand to set up a site that would have enough money to put out all of those adverts to keep idiots away. They must be making a mint from some very exclusive meerkat molesting perverts or something. I think they should consider changing their site name or perhaps paying the "compare the market" people to change theirs.
  • clunge
    So is the Frosties kid dead or not? I can't tell from reading what you've written above. I'm quite pleased that good old J.R. Hartley hasn't made the list, bless him. But why why why is that cunting Churchill bulldog not mentioned? Oh yesssh...
  • clunge
    And that knob that does the Safestyle window adverts.,, You buy one, you get one free...I say, you buy one you get one free. Twat.
  • Frosties K.
    I'm not dead. I make pornos with Cock-Robin. I go by the name of "fisties kid" though, something to do with copyright apparently.
  • Eric E.
    How come that kiddie fiddler Ronald McFuckwit isn't on the list. That wanker needs to have 50 scalding hot McChickens feet nuggets shoved up his poop shoot and then kicked to death by one hundred 8yr girls that have been smoking a crack pipe for 2 days straight.
  • Ronald M.
    Is it time to start up the surnames joke again?
  • Gary G.
    I once shot a load at the Milky Bar Kid. All over his glasses.
  • Mr C.
    Upyourbingo!! Those chicks give me wood everytime!!
  • Advertising A.
    Real lawyers for real cases.... STRAIGHT TALKING NO NONSENSE CUNTS.
  • Milky K.
    I now work in a milky bar giving handjobs to japanese businessmen. I miss you 'Leader' xxx
  • lee
    well ill use my actual name unlike the 'funny' people above. ok last comment and im gone, this is boring. i dont mind some of those adverts, i much more hate the direct line ads, just the one with the cunt shouting ''is that you steve, nice one steve'' fuck off you bald cunt, youre a shit actor in anything you have been in and id like to stove your head in with a tire iron. oh and the meerkat thing is shit - nobody has ever accidentally gone to meerkat over market, unless you are a mongoloid in which case you dont deserve the interweb. also any ppi or legal shit or gold buyers can fuck off. i am suprised the safestyle guy missed out on the top 10.
  • Her L.
    The go compare thing is a cunt, the meerkat thing is cuddle and warm, until it bites you and you get rabies. Then when you watch the CONFUSEDDOTCOM advert, all you can see is blue breasts.
  • car i.
    I will right away clutch your rss feed as I can not find your e-mail subscription link or newsletter service. Do you've any? Please let me recognize in order that I could subscribe. Thanks.

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