You are probably going to die because of new 5p and 10p pieces

April 20th, 2012 9 Comments By Mof Gimmers

new 5p 300x296 You are probably going to die because of new 5p and 10p piecesSweet Jesus no! Call a doctor because our money is dangerous! Run for cover! The new 5p and 10p pieces are going to kill every last one of us or… well… make us slightly poorly for a brief time.

The Royal Mint are being asked to start tests LIKE YESTERDAY on the new 5p and 10p coins to assess the health risks. The Mint are releasing new coins in a bid to save money. The new coins use a cheaper nickel-coated steel… however, similar coins have been banned in Sweden because of health risks (and we all know how hard and freaky the Swedes are, so it must be bad).

Doctors have written a letter (if not typed up, then completely illegible) which said: “The Royal Mint may have followed all the rules with regards to the introduction of new coinage, but there is still no proof that those with hand eczema – dermatitis – or nickel contact allergies will not suffer.”

The Royal Mint have said it had followed legislation and guidelines and “can confirm that the new nickel-plated 5p and 10p coins have no additional potential to cause adverse effects on people with allergic contact dermatitis and hand dermatitis”.

Obviously, the Royal Mint are playing with fire here and we could end up with a load of people with irritated hands. And we all know people with irritable hands go mental and end up murdering everyone. Keep an eye out for people paying for things with slightly flaky hands and, if needed, bludgeon them to death just to be on the safe side.

Comments (9) Jump to most recent comment
  1. Posted by Boris April 20, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    I will have to stop fiddling with my ‘small change’ all of the time then.

  2. Posted by Paul Nickel (coated steel) April 20, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Pff. Selection of the fittest if you ask me.

    Its only poor people who carry around this low demonation of currency.

    Wad of £50′s in my wallet.

    Keep the change.

  3. Posted by lumoruk April 20, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    I will just refuse to accept the stuff at shops or do what I usually do and pay on card.

  4. Posted by Andrew Dawson April 20, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    This explains the purple rash on my knob and bollocks.
    Well it explains it to my ‘girlfriend’ at least.

  5. Posted by Mr. Patel April 21, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    Why does that coin have a picture of a tap on it?

  6. Posted by Spluff Knickers April 22, 2012 at 11:30 am

    That’s not a tap, it’s a penis.

  7. Posted by Andrew Dawson April 22, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    It’s not a penis – it doesn’t have weeping sores or any pus.

  8. Posted by graeme April 23, 2012 at 9:14 am

    It’s not a tap, it’s a penis.

  9. Posted by Mike Hock April 23, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Nickel contact allergies? COME THE FUCK ON!

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