Single ladies, give up the book clubs and the salsa dancing and the internet dating. It’s time to stop faffing around in your search for a mate. In the words of Secret Affair’s 1979 hit ‘Time For Action’, this is the time for action.

Throw away the Sex & The City box set, tool yourself up with these essential chap-snaring aids and get on with the rest of you bloody lives. Firstly, we bring you the pheromone-dispensing ring.

We’re all familiar with the mythical power of pheromones. We’ve all sent off for a tiny bottle of the stuff as advertised in the back of a dodgy magazine for £14.99 a time. We’ve all then gone out on the town with the odourless liquid daubed around our neck and ears and got absolutely nowhere.

Well this is different. This stuff spurts out of a ring straight into the immediate realm of that hunky guy you’ve got your eye on. Within minutes, love, actually. What could possibly go wrong? Sadly, we can’t guarantee that you won’t be approached by a bloke wearing the same ring. We don’t know what happens when rival pheromones collide but it’s almost certainly going to lead to an explosion. A love explosion.

So, once you’ve got him in your femalular clutches, it’s time to start parading around in this – the marriage hunting bra. Currently popular in (where else) Japan, the LED display shows a date (inputted by you) by which you expect to be married. Tick tick tick…

When the clock reaches zero, the bra opens up and a ring, a pen, and marriage certificate stamp seal pop out. And that’s all. Can there be anything less enticing for a man to see falling out of a woman’s bra? With the exception of the testicles she had removed during her op a few years ago, we say surely not.