“Heat up your career leftovers and serve them to your team. No promotion pudding for any who refuse their determination sprouts”

“SSS $ The international emoticon for: A gang of snakes are burning an eel at the stake. Why can’t they get along?”

“I was approached by a shadowy old man, his skin wrinkled as a walnut. “You look like a man of wisdom and taste,” he said.”

Not the sort of thing you’d expect to be published by a well-known company, is it? However, that is exactly that kind of nonsense that seems to be going on over at the twitter account of Betfair Poker.

Now, this is either a really smart and unusual marketing method or someone hijacked the account and BetFair haven’t noticed. Either way, there’s some odd and funny stuff going on there. Take, for example, the latest tale from the feed which you can read over the jump. It involves a talking dog and a stripper.

“Yesterday was Bring-Your-Child-To-Work Day in the Betfair offices. I’ll be honest: it went badly. I don’t have any children, so I dressed a stray dog as a five-year old boy and called it “Archie”. I made it wear a baseball cap backwards. Archie is an awful name but I’ve noticed the recent trend of people naming their children after Dickensian chimneysweeps, so I joined in.

I trained the dog to say two set phrases: “You’re the best papa ever” and “I require sustenance.” All was going well. Janice from HR brought in her son Jasper. He’s older than she is. I can never work out how that is possible. Creepy David hired a stripper to pretend to be his daughter. “When people see how sexy my daughter is, they will find ME sexy,” he claimed.

The morning went ok. Archie urinated in a fax machine and ate quite a lot of network cables, but no-one seemed to notice or care. The real problem came after work when I was about to release Archie into the wild. “Don’t you love me, papa?” he asked. “I am not really your father,” I reminded him. “This is merely a sham to give the illusion of corporate conformity. It’s over now.”

“Oh papa, I love you so much. I miss you and mama when you are not here,” he growled in his dog/child voice. I tried to leave him but it was impossible. “Papa, I already have abandonment issues. Please don’t compound them,” pleaded. So I have adopted him. I must spend the rest of my life pretending that a Alsatian/border collie mongrel is my rightful son.

“Papa. I want a Microsoft Kinect. And an iPhone. And please don’t cut off my testicles.” Kids are so needy.”

Mental.