Crapola, it’s Valentine’s Day on Sunday. Can’t cook, won’t cook? Not to worry. Simply fake your own death, or take a leaf out the Hot UK Deals book of bargains:

There’s the classy option of the two of you dining at Wetherspoon’s for £14.99. You can tuck into two steaks and a bottle of wine – a choice of the 8oz sirloin, 8oz rump or BBQ chicken melt with a bottle of Hardys. Smashing. Alternatively, head down the street for a 3 course meal at Slug and Lettuce for £12 per person. (found by ianshona and jasper 79)

The alternative is a proper restaurant. Pizza Express have a voucher for 3 courses for £15 each between now and Sunday, but that doesn’t include drinks. Or you can book a table at ASK where it’s £16.95 each for 3 courses, except they’ll chuck in a couple of glasses of bubbly for free. (found by missglitter1981 and jasper79)

Then again, why bother leaving the house? Sort out your Valentine’s Day meal in your own kitchen, then you can get down to the yankee doodle straight away, eh? Not that you want to cook anything, obviously – that’s why supermarkets created meals for two. Yes it is.

Yeterday’s Deals of the Day featured Morrison’s Chinese meal for 2 for just £3, but if your colours are firmly nailed to the mast of the good ship ASDA, there’s an Italian meal for 2 for just £7, available in-store and online. (found by ianshona and babyx1uk3)

Want to celebrate the big day with Marks & Spencer? . The two of you can dine for £20 with M&S – that’ll include a starter, a main course, a side dish, a dessert for two and either a single stem rose or a box of chocs. (found by mr-p3sky)

Bon appétit, lovebirds!

Around this time last year, you may remember we reported on the brilliance that was Tesco Value Cards – greetings cards in a Tesco Value style that were free to download. There wasn’t long for avid Bitterwallet readers to enjoy them, however – 24 hours later, the Tesco legal team moved in and made enough noise for the site owner to shut up shop for good.

One year on, and just in time for Valentine’s Day, Tesco Value Cards are back with a brand new owner and a similarly crappy website. We conducted an exclusive interview with the shadowy figure in charge of the new budget card empire, who refused to be identified:

Tesco Value Cards are fantastic. I’ve given out dozens, and they never fail to amuse. They should be given the chance to continue to inspire and insult.

I’ve heard nothing from Tesco yet, although the previous owner told me that other (less impressive) value card websites have never faltered in their web presence. Tesco can get in touch if they really want, but we’re not giving in. There have been nearly 100,000 downloads now of these cards. Tesco need to realise the good we’re doing for them, not the bad!

As you can see from the site – there are no adverts, no asking for payments, no money exchanging hands of any sort. I don’t make a penny. I actually pay to host the site. Either way, we’ll be here longer than Tesco.

Bold words from the new Tesco Value Cards, and no doubt there’ll already be twitching in the trousers of the Tesco suits. Get your Tesco Value Cards today people!

With only a few hours left before Valentine’s Day (if you regard more than a hundred as a few) here’s some of the latest ways you can show your love and increase your chances of getting a quick bout of ramalamadingdong without burning a hole in your all-important pocket area.

If it wasn’t for HotUKDeals, there would be no love anywhere, ever. Know this.

First off comes that traditional symbol of what we all know and love to call luuurrrve – it’s the dozen of the red roses. Not only are they beautiful and romantic but they taste great too! (note to self – research this before publishing)

But I can’t afford a dozen red roses we hear you roar. Ah, but what if they were only £2.00? HotUKDeals reader sausage25 is right behind such affordable blooms, saying: “Cheap and nasty tiny-headed roses which will droop within two days. These roses can’t be produced at this price without exploiting the growers.” So, erm, there you go.

Next up comes the romantic meal, and you can’t swisher and seductivlier (it’s sort of a word) than a Harvester restaurant. For God’s sake, there’s the infinite salad bar, the Kickin’ Garlic Chicken and the Original Spitroast. It’s all there!

Now you can get a £4.99 early bird meal deal with a FREE Sundae Best ice cream thrown into the bargain. If that won’t win the heart of your fair maiden/rugged manbloke of choice then we don’t know what will. Rohypnol?

Finally today, one for all you long-distance lovers – the kind who can only stay in touch by getting on the net and having long, lingering web chats together. Now you can ‘look’ at each other in a higher visual quality.

It’s all thanks to the Microsoft Lifecam Cinema HD 720p widescreen webcam, which is only £39.94 delivered and a right proper bargain. But if you’re an ageing Eastenders legend who decides to indulge in a game of the Mr Sausage puppet show with a fan, take care – it could cost you your job.

(deals found by HUKD members craigk8163, ianshona and 888)

Last week we told you how big brands are already preparing for Easter, a fortnight before Christmas. Many claim it is yet more distressing evidence of the commercialisation of sacred and blessed events on the Christian calendar, but at least we’re beating the US on that score – they’re only getting round to promoting Valentine’s Day, the slow coaches!  Those Yankee Doodles are so far behind it’s embarrassing:

[The Consumerist]

Here’s your Bitterwallet guide to those tricky last-minute Valentines Day gifts. Tricky in the sense that if you order one of these now, you’ve got next to no chance of getting it by Saturday. Hey ho…

FOR HIM: The Classic Video Game Tie. Now it can be said that there’s nothing cooler than a novelty tie. They just cry out ‘Wow, look at me everybody – I’m an individual with a keen sense of fun!’ Alternatively, it can also be said that there’s nothing more depressing than a novelty tie. They also cry out ‘Someone please take a spade to my neck, I am an attention-seeker who laughs at the end of every sentence I utter, irrespective of whether there was a joke there or not.’ Decide for yourselves – we’re not Jeff Banks.

FOR HER: Men – do you want your woman to reek of a huge room filled with dusty old books? Maybe you’ve got a fetish for ageing tomes or perhaps you accidentally got a glimpse of a lady librarian’s bare stomach once when she was reaching to put a biography of Idi Amin up on the top shelf. Either way, this Old Book perfume should help recreate that musty odour that haunts your dreams. Ghastly.

FOR ANYONE: The height of decadence – a lollipop that contains real and actual gold flakes and everything. Plus, it’s champagne-flavoured! Yet somehow it only costs £3.50 – we’d have had a guess at a ballpark figure of £675. Top professional footballers probably gorge on these after a big match just for fun. Nothing says ‘I love you’ more than saying ‘I love you – now eat this because it’s got real bloody gold in it.’ Now let’s listen to Fat Larry’s Band, with ‘Zoom’…

With the galactic success of iTunes in no doubt, it was only a matter of time before the spam-meisters got involved and tried their luck.  With tens of millions accounts worldwide, a scattershot approach through bulk spamming will reach an intended target plenty of times over.

Webuser reports that security researchers have seen an email being spammed out in high volumes, posing as an iTunes receipt. In fact it’s a scam to persuade you to buy medications and Valentine’s Day gifts. You know what kind of medications.

There’s no malware attached to the email; it simply redirects users through to third party sites. Having said that, anybody buying a Valentine’s Day gift from an online pharmacy is probably in a doomed relationship anyway, so maybe it’s for the best.

[webuser]

Eleven days to Valentine’s Day. Yes it’s February, in case you hadn’t noticed. Doesn’t the year go by quickly? Seems like yesterday it was only Christmas, etc. But what to do for the perfect expression of love during an recession? Times are so tight, we’ve even stopped handing over the last Rolo for fear of malnutrition.

The recession doesn’t mean you have to be a miserable unromantic tightarse, however. In fact, it’s because of the recession that you can dazzle your loved one with a quality Valentine’s Day for less than last year. Here are a few suggestions to help you woo that special somebody into the sack:

Eat

We’ve mentioned this before, but it bears up well to second helpings (that’s a food joke, kids!): toptable.com have a great sale section on their site, allowing you to search the best restaurants in the country for special offers and deals. No need to make do with an un-defrosted, Iceland prawn ring.

Have filthy sex

Don’t ask us how we happened to be looking at the Ann Summers website; “but it was like that when we switched it on!” etc. Their current sale means there are plenty of sensational outfits and special love presents available with up to 80 per cent off. My eyes. Quickly, somebody.

Eat some more

We all love chocolate, so hurrah for Hotel Chocolat, purveyors of probably the best chocolate in the known universe, who have an end of season sale on right now.

Of course the name of this post is Ask The Readers, so that’s what we’re doing. What are your top tips for romance in a recession? Where can you go, what can you do, how you you treat somebody for less on February 14th? We’d “love” to hear from you. Ho ho. My sides. Nurse, industrial strength cotton.