Look, Christmas is coming up and we’re looking forward to a few days off spent semi-conscious in front of the telly, gorging on sweets and Baileys and not having to worry about whether or not the whole beautiful, gluttonous experience is going to be knackered by the onset of The Swine Flu.

So we’ll be needing a bunch of these and we’ll be needing them in the next ten days, fortnight tops. They’re called INFLU masks and they’re designed to help you contract The Swine Flu so that you can get on with having it, get over it and get on with the festive celebrations.

It works with the help of a built-in, battery-operated fan that “increases the intake of viruses in ambient air through the respiratory system.” Get in there – no fannying about with antiseptic wipes or dodging out of the way whenever someone in the vicinity sneezes.

Other than visiting London and licking every door handle you see, you’re not going to have a better chance of getting The Swine Flu out of the way pre-Christmas than with one of these.

Check out the rest of our Christmas list here and decide amongst yourselves what you’ll be buying us…

[via Gizmodo]

Are you suffering from a touch of the sniffles and (probably wrongly) assuming that it’s The Swine Flu? Or are you bricking it at the thought that you might catch it? If your doctor won’t believe you and refuses to issue you with a blast of Tamiflu, you’ll be pleased to know that from today, you can easily buy it online.

Lloyds Pharmacy are the first major retailer to start selling the drug online, and are selling a pack of ten doses for just £48.50, which they claim is less than half the price of some other online sources. The drug is not available instore and is delivered by post, hopefully not by a postman who is carrying the virus.

Potential purchasers must register at the pharmacy’s website and answer a short questionnaire before they can make their purchase, and Lloyds are pitching the service as a chance for concerned people to stock up in case they contract The Swine Flu.

Would you consider stocking up on Tamiflu for less than fifty quid or would you just get yours by gaming the NHS self-diagnosis system? Maybe you’re some kind of toughie who would just walk it off if you caught the virus? Have you had it, and did it make people think you were cool, or some kind of leper? Share your thoughts with us, but please don’t sneeze on to the screen while you’re typing. Cheers.

EDIT: As Nobby points out in the comments below, HotUKDeals’ discerning readers have made their feelings known as to whether this constitutes a bargain or not!

And where is she NOW, when you really need one?

We’re going back to the future with this one – as far back as 2006, when Swine Flu was just a dot on the horizon and we were all busy bricking it about SARS, Bird Flu, Red Lorry Disease or Toxic Chess Syndrome.

It’s a woollen medical mask, designed to keep the nasty pig germs out while keeping you warm and toasty as, er… summer approaches. Anyway, there’s a knitting pattern for it as well, so if you’re a needle-toting knitsmith, you can quickly bang a few out for yourself as well as your nearest and dearest before the onrushing cloud of Swine Flu engulfs the whole bally lot of us.

Now, can anyone crochet us some syringes filled to the brim with antivirals?

Those planning holidays in the near future may wonder if they should buy trip cancellation insurance due to the swine flu outbreak in Mexico. The answer depends on a few things, and here’s how to tell.

You’re too late if:

The Foreign Commonwealth Office (FCO) has already advised against elective travel to the region affected by the flu epidemic. According to an article in the Telegraph:

“If holidaymakers continue with travel plans to Mexico against official advice and fall ill, their insurance policy is unlikely to cover them and the holidaymaker would have to foot the bill for any treatment or repatriation costs. “

While it is statistically unlikely that you will need travel cancellation insurance for other places, it may be a good idea, particularly if you’re going someplace where swine flu is only beginning to be diagnosed. Like Newcastle.

You’re not too late if:

The FCO has not advised against travel to your destination.

If the region you are traveling to has not been advised against by the FCO, it may be wise to purchase trip cancellation insurance. There have been pockets of outbreaks in many countries, but since the epidemic has not turned into a scarier pandemic, buying a policy that covers cancellation for any reason may be a good investment of a few dollars a day.

Fortunately, you may be able to see where the epidemic is headed with the help of Google. Due to sick people researching symptoms online (i.e. type your symptoms into Google, then scroll down the results until you see the word ‘cancer’), Google has generally been more on top of flu outbreaks than the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in the U.S., sometimes by up to two weeks. Worse is Twitter, where the #swineflu channel is creating more media scare than the news itself.

It is vitally important, however, that you make sure that any type of cancellation is covered. Some policies only reimburse in the event of illness, meaning illness in the traveller, not in the region being travelled to. Make sure you are absolutely clear that your policy covers cancellation regardless of reason. It is a good idea to ask specifically about cancellation due to a possible swine flu outbreak at your destination.

[thisismoney]

With the whole world cancelling holidays and flights to Mexico, the death toll increasing and new cases of infection been reported around the globe, everyone is warning against travelling there.

Except, it seems the Mexicans.

Want some advice on visiting Mexico? Are there any areas worse affected than others? What about essential travel? Don’t ask them, because they seem to have their fingers in their ears while whistling loudly. The official tourism website visitmexico.com doesn’t mention swine flu at all:

Spot the visitor advice? Perhaps the tourism board’s official line concerning swine flu is buried away in some remote FAQ page?

You’d have thought they’d maybe mention it at least once, what with it threatening to become a global pandemic and all? There are of course plenty of official sources available, alongside the panic-mongering 24 hour-a-day news channels, but we recommend Lonely Planet’s excellent Thorntree forums, which have set up a thread dedicated to travel advice.

Only two days ago, Bitterwallet reader Mike read our post on the swine flu epidemic effect on the airline trade, and thought out loud:

Mike didn’t have to wait long. While it’s not a flight offer involving flying pigs, Ryanair chief executive Michael O’Leary has taken advantage of the deaths of many and infection of thousands to- wait, you’ve guessed already, haven’t you?

Yes, O’Leary saw an opportunity at a press conference to make headlines and push his flights by saying something thoroughly outrageous – that it was only dirty foreigners that would die from swine flu:

“Are we going to die from swine flu? No. Are we in danger of SARS? No. Foot and mouth disease? No. Will it affect people flying short-haul flights around Europe this summer? Thankfully, no.”

“It is a tragedy only for people living … in slums in Asia or Mexico. But will the honeymoon couple from Edinburgh die? No. A couple of Strepsils will do the job.”

Strepsils! Of course! If only the World Health Organization had been told! Or the 159 Mexicans confirmed dead! Or the 23 month-old baby who died this morning in a Texan slum. Er. Strepsils! It cures ball cancer too, for sure! Thank you, Doctor O’ Leary!

Or maybe swine flu is a risk to anybody who enjoyed a holiday more adventurous than ordering the paella at Lineker’s Bar in Magaluf. And maybe it’s a tragedy with consequences that’ll reach far beyond the individuals it kills. It’s likely that if Ryanair flew to Mexico, O’Leary would have been more particular with his words. Still, they’re only foreigners, so they don’t count.

In other Ryanair news, if you’re fat, you’re fucked – it genuinely looks like Ryanair is going to try and sneak through a fat tax, because “passengers voted overwhelmingly” for one. No they didn’t – you put up a poll your site and asked them to vote in return for a cash prize, you cockends. Nobody spontaneously formed a consumer union and demanded it, did they? Jesus.

It’ll come as a surprise to precisely nobody that Google has a bunker in which boffins are working to… predict the future. It may not be a bunker – it may be a brightly lit, well ventilated office in San Francisco. But they are boffins.

Whenever people first hear of a news story, they’ll tend to search for details online. In a similar vein, if we think we’re suffering from an illness, a percentage of us will Google the symptoms. With a condition like flu, it’s likely that hundreds of people can become infected, which causes particular Google search terms to trend.

By comparing these trends with data released by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), Google have found they can spot seasonal variations in flu outbreaks up to two weeks before the CDC.

It’s hoped in the future, Google’s up-to-date flu estimates could help public health officials respond faster to seasonal epidemics. And even though the world is already aware of swine flu thanks to 24 hour news and Twitter-driven-hysteria, trend tools like this could help spot new outbreaks of the infection.

[Google Flu Trends]

As Swine Flu sweeps the world, and sales of wet wipes and disposable door handles go through the roof, we feel it’s our duty to help you fight the latest plague… while saving yourself a few quid at the same time.

Here’s some offers we’ve found over at HotUKDeals that can help you get through this. Don’t worry – the site has been sterilised from head to toe and we’re writing this while wearing a series of gas masks.

We’re kicking off today with a pair of noise-cancelling headphones that you can wear in order to help you block out all talk of the Swine Flu pandemic – while you be-bop and scat your way through the crisis by listening to cool jazz and that.

They’re the superior Goldring NS1000 and they’ll block out whistling, rattling, hammering, snoring and over 150,000 different types of everyday bullshit. They normally retail for over £100 but we can point you at a pair for the knock-down price of just £54.40.

Next comes the Graco Junior Maxi car booster seat, on offer for only £25.00 at the moment… and we’re pretty certain that every seat comes free from Swine Flue, Sars, Bird Flu and Beri Beri… for now.

If we had one, we’d be hauling our asses up a tree with one, sitting in it and staying there until this whole swine-flavoured nonsense is over. But how would we survive we hear you ask – simple, we’d just go on and on about it on Twitter assume people would bring us food and that.

Finally, you can keep germ-free by devoting yourself to a life behind closed doors. Get your groceries delivered by your supermarket of choice (disinfecting each item once you receive it) and stay in watching this exceptional television set.

It’s the Pioneer 60″ PDP-LX6090 and they say it’s the world’s best TV. It had better be for two reasons. One, we’re spending the next three-to-five years cooped up in BWHQ using it as one of our few links with the outside world. Two, it costs £3195 – although that’s about £800 cheaper than other sources. See you later! About five years later

(deals found by duckmagicuk2, mekon and RoBad)

Swine Flu? Big deal, we had all that shizzle back in the summer of 1976. Punk rock and the searing heat saw it off then and we can kick its arse again.

If you don’t believe us, here’s some public service information films from 33 years ago, urging us all to get our Swine Flu jabs. You know what happened? We didn’t bother – we just ate loads of ice cream, had a hosepipe ban and frugged to the Sex Pistols at the 100 Club.

Germs – what do they REALLY know about anything? Tossers.

As if the global recession wasn’t enough of a threat to the airline industry, now they’re under attack from pigs. The merest whisper of a global pandemic has caused worry amongst shareholders, who are selling up in case the latest media bandwagon has any legs to it – if you can imagine a wagon with legs.

The economic impact of the Mexican swine flu outbreak and the threat of international travel restrictions caused BA’s share price to drop nearly 9 per cent this morning. Shares in Air France-KLM have fell by almost 8 per cent while Germany’s Lufthansa is down by more than 12 per cent. Quantas and Cathay Pacific also suffered losses. Tour operators and hotels have also been affected – shares in Thomas Cook have dropped nearly 8 per cent too and InterContinental Hotels dropped 5 per cent.

Yesterday, US homeland security secretary declared a public health emergency in the US. Although such an announcement is a long way from bringing about international travel restrictions – to do so would cause massive damage to an already hampered economy – it’s been enough to worry shareholders concerned about an industry drowning in fuel surcharges, taxation and a lack of consumer demand during a recession set to last at least another year.

Meanwhile, suspected cases continue to be reported from around the globe; several mash-ups have been created to keep track of the media reports and confirmed fatalities, including this Google Map: