Exciting times from California this evening. Well, maybe. Well, probably. Sort of. Here’s the rundown of what Lord Jobs decreed moments ago:

iOS 4.1 will be released next week for iPhone and iPod Touch, to include:

• fixes to previous bugs, including a promised solution for long-suffering iPhone 3G users. Thank. Christ.

• the ability to take HDR photos – it automatically creates mosaics of photos taken at different exposures to produce images with more detail

• new Games Center functionality that’ll allow gamers to connect through apps, including shared gameplay and scoreboards

iOS4.2 will be released later in November for iPad, iPhone and iPod Touch including iOS 4 improvements like multitasking, as well as wireless printing

The iPod range has been overhauled, from Shuffle to the iPod Touch:

• the new iPod Shuffle is based on the squarer second generation, but dinkier, and includes playlists and 15 hours battery time, and will be $49 for 2 GB.

• the iPod Nano loses the circular track-wheel, to be replaced with a multi-touch screen; it’s something of a comedy device – it’s almost too small to hold. The iPod Nano is $99 for 8 GB.

•the new iPod Touch will include Retina Display, both a front and rear camera, including FaceTime and HD video capability, and costs from $229 for the 8GB version

And then we were onto iTunes. Yes, it kept on coming and the audience took any excuse to holler like a pack of sycophantic banshees. iTunes 10 will include Ping, a new social network for iTunes users, allowing users to connect to friends and generate newsfeeds of music and events. “It’s not Facebook, it’s not Twitter.” Actually, yes it is, Steve. It’s Facebook.

Finally, onto Apple TV – a new teeny tiny box for rented tv shows and movies, costing just 99¢ per show to rent for 48 hours. No word yet on what shows will be available in the UK, except to say that there will be content available in this country. It’ll cost $99.

Recent media coverage would have you believe that Apple are screwed. The reality is, of course, nothing of the sort. And it won’t stop, either; the iPhone 4 press conference made the front page of The Sun – incontrovertible proof that however piss-poor you care to think Apple’s products are, the mainstream is beginning to lap them up.

So there’s that, and the fact they’ve got a metric fuckton of cash in the bank.

The quarterly earnings call that Apple has with members of the media revealed that everything is selling faster than Apple can pay a Chinese factory worker to make them. Apple posted a revenue of $15.7 billion for the previous quarter with a net quarterly profit of $3.25 billion. Some other specifics from the call include:

• A new all-time record for quarterly Mac sales
• Highest quarterly revenue ever, $15.7 billion, an increase of 61%
• Net income up 78% over a year ago
• 33% year over year growth for Macs
• iPod touch grew 48% year over year
• 1.7 million iPhone 4s sold in the five initial countries
• 3.27 million iPads in 10 countries

During the call, Steve Jobs also mentioned that Apple “have amazing new products still to come this year.” It’s unlikely these will be new product lines, but what most people are expecting to see is the introduction of front and rear cameras and FaceTime to the iPod Touch. Regardless of whether you’re an Apple hater or not, that would make the Touch a very decent piece of kit indeed.

[TechCrunch]

It’s not entirely unexpected. If you’re going to address the world’s tech media and claim that not only does your product suffer design issues, but then go on to state the rest of the industry has issues too, somebody is going to bite.

That somebody was Research In Motion (RIM), manufacturers of BlackBerry.

During yesterday’s press conference, Steve Jobs specifically called out the BlackBerry Bold 9700 for suffering loss of signal in poor reception areas. RIM disagree:

“Apple’s attempt to draw RIM into Apple’s self-made debacle is unacceptable. Apple’s claims about RIM products appear to be deliberate attempts to distort the public’s understanding of an antenna design issue and to deflect attention from Apple’s difficult situation.

“RIM is a global leader in antenna design and has been successfully designing industry-leading wireless data products with efficient and effective radio performance for over 20 years. During that time, RIM has avoided designs like the one Apple used in the iPhone 4 and instead has used innovative designs which reduce the risk for dropped calls, especially in areas of lower coverage.

“One thing is for certain, RIM’s customers don’t need to use a case for their BlackBerry smartphone to maintain proper connectivity. Apple clearly made certain design decisions and it should take responsibility for these decisions rather than trying to draw RIM and others into a situation that relates specifically to Apple.”

[CrackBerry]

Well, that was a little different. Apple CEO Steve Jobs took to the stage this afternoon to explain the End of Days seemingly bought about by the iPhone 4’s reception issues, and threw in a rare Q&A for the hell of it.

It became fairly clear it was a damage limitation exercise, to prevent any tumble in Apple’s share price or harm to credibility. ‘Bullish’ might be one word to describe it. No fans moist at every slide, no nauseating whooping and hollering. This was a man not enjoying his slice of humble pie.

“You know, we’re not perfect. We know that, you know that. And phones aren’t perfect either. But we want to make all of our users happy. If you don’t know that about Apple, you don’t know Apple. We love making our users happy.”

Job began by claiming Apple hax spent the three weeks trying to solve the engineering problem posed by the handset’s behavior. But first they tested other handsets – the BlackBerry Bold 9700, the HTC Droid Eris and the Samsung Omnia II – and all seemingly suffered a loss of signal when held.

“These were all tested in areas of relatively weak signal strength. This is life in the smartphone world. Phones aren’t perfect. It’s a challenge for the whole industry.”

The key factor, which was reiterated in the Q&A session after the presentation, is that the handset tends to suffer most in areas of weak signal. Jobs went on to point out that just half of one percent of iPhone 4 customers had contacted Apple to complain about the issue, and many had claimed reception had improved. In another set of figures, Jobs revealed that 6% of iPhone 3GS handsets were returned by dissatisfied owners; less than 2% of iPhone 4s have been returned over a similar period.

What Jobs did admit, however, is that the iPhone 4 is dropping more calls – but it’s an increase of less than one per 100 calls. Maybe the blogs have overstated the problem, but it’s hardly an improvement, is it?

Job eventually backed off and made everyone feel shiny and special, by offering a full refund to all customers who return their iPhone 4 undamaged within 30 days. And for everyone else:

“Here’s what we’re going to do to make our users happy. The first part is the software update, that fixes the way the bars report and other bugs, that’s out now. Second, people said the bumper fixes everything… ‘why don’t you give everybody a case’? Okay, we’ll give you a free case.”

Meanwhile, Jobs took the opportunity to shamelessly plug more product – the white iPhone 4 will be available from the end of July.

[Engadget]

Steve Jobs and some of his mates, yesterday

Who fancies indulging in the latest hip pursuit that is Apple-bashing? You do? Great!

The highly influential US of American organisation Consumer Reports (their version of Which!) has gotten round to reviewing the troubled iPhone 4 – and they’re not happy with it one little bit.

In their tut-tut-laden report they have flown in the face of Apple’s recent claims that the phone’s reception problems are caused by a software fault, and are blaming the phone’s new-style antenna for the widely-reported glitch.

In their review, Consumer Reports say:

“When your finger or hand touches a spot on the phone’s lower left side … the signal can significantly degrade enough to cause you to lose your connection altogether … Due to this problem, we can’t recommend the iPhone 4.

Apple needs to come up with a permanent – and free – fix for the antenna problems before we can recommend the iPhone 4.”

Ooooh! But so what you might think – it’s just another review, albeit a damning one. Maybe, but just like Bitterwallet, Consumer Reports is a VERY influential organisation, and following the withering review, Apple’s share price fell by as much as 4.2 per cent, wiping $9.9bn (£6.5bn) off its market value. Gulp.

It’s a double whammy for Jobsy and the boys as things get murkier still with Apple also being accused of deleting threads that are critical of the iPhone 4 on their official forums.

Blogger TJ Luoma wrote: “This isn’t the first time we’ve heard about Apple deleting discussion board threads on topics which are unflattering to Apple’s products. It’s closer to the fiftieth time. In fact, we’ve heard so many reports about this happening that it seems safe to call this standard operating procedure for Apple’s discussion boards.”

It’s almost as though Apple are some kind of paranoid, controlling gang of thought police. Surely not….

[Reddit]

Steve Jobs is on Twitter you know. Well, at least he is according to the Daily Mail. Yesterday, their website quoted Jobs’ Twitter account (@ceoSteveJobs) as having said that the troubled iPhone 4 would have to be recalled.

But if you take a closer look at the Twitter account, it clearly states that it is a PARODY account – it isn’t sexy Steve at all. But still, the Mail went ahead and ran the story (since removed from their site).

Oh dear. Daily Fail, as we believe the youngsters say. Gosh, they’ll be telling us that it’s the real Princess Diana tweeting from Heaven next…

[Media Blog]

Sweet muscular Jesus. It’s not even out the box a day and already it’s getting ripped to shreds. Yesterday blogs went into meltdown after iPhone 4 owners discovered their new precious lost reception if they went as far as holding the thing to their ear. In particular, left-handed people are screwed if they think of doing something as audacious as make a phonecall.  Unbelievably, Apple responded last night by stating it’s not an issue they can fix with a software update – you’ll just have to hold your phone differently:

Gripping any mobile phone will result in some attenuation of its antenna performance, with certain places being worse than others depending on the placement of the antennas. This is a fact of life for every wireless phone.

If you ever experience this on your iPhone 4, avoid gripping it in the lower left corner in a way that covers both sides of the black strip in the metal band, or simply use one of many available cases.

Engadget mentions that there there have been reception issues with previous models of the iPhone and even the Nexus One, but when a phone has a terminal fault because of a new design, it seems incredibly dickish of Apple to tell users it’s their fault the handset that cost them a mortgage payment is already knackered.

UPDATE – Thanks to avid Bitterwallet reader and CNET UK scribe Ian Morris for providing careful step-by-step instructions on how to fix the iPhone 4 reception problem. Hurrah!

[Engadget]

There’s another Apple event coming later today. Have you got your black polo neck shirt and blue jeans on in preparation for the coming of Steve Jobs? You have? You dick.

Jobsie (as he lets us call him) will almost certainly be unveiling the brand new iPhone when it all kicks off this evening, but Engadget believe that there could be an actual surprise up the Jobs sleeve as well.

They’ve got pictures of a multitouch trackpad thingamabob (below) which connects to desktops and laptops via Bluetooth – a mouse-killer if you like. The whole thing is in line with Apple’s increased favouring of fingertip computing, and ties in with their recent trademark application for the name ‘Magic Trackpad.’

Will we get it tonight? Who knows. We’re hoping Jobsie gets his tits out for once though. That would be great.

A nipple, yesterday

We don’t know what goes on under Steve Jobs’ creepy polo neck shirts but there’s a chance that the man has extreme nipple issues. That might explain why in the world of Apple, the human nipple does not exist.

Which is a shame, if the iPad wants to be taken seriously as the new delivery system for magazines, because it seems that women’s nipples in iPad-ready magazines are a big no-no.

The ban doesn’t just apply to nipples in lads’ mags like Loaded and Front – we’re talking about artier, fartier publications like Dazed & Confused and Vibe. An insider at Dazed & Confused told Shiny Shiny that the iPad edition of the magazine has been nicknamed ‘the Iran edition’ as it has had to be censored and all titty-bits removed before submission to Apple HQ.

We’re not sure where Apple stand on the inclusion of male nipples or even animal nipples, but eventually, the world will have had enough of Jobs and his nip-nannying bullshit and tell him to go fuck himself. Probably.

Sad times, friends. The Hitler Downfall meme will soon be no more. Constantin Film, who produced the tale of Hitler’s final days, have begun blocking any copies of it appearing on YouTube on copyright grounds. There are still plenty of them floating about and several deviations, too – you can still witness Hitler’s reaction to Alex Fergurson’s ‘typical Germans’ jibe, for example.

One of the first victims of the new takedown order has been Hitler’s reaction to the iPhone 4G prototype turning up in the hands of tech site Gizmodo. Adolf turns in a stellar performance in the role of Steve Jobs, but is let down by a frequently weak script. It’s one for completists only, and fortunately one blogger was quick off the mark to convert the YouTube video to another format:

So there you have it. After several billion years, stars have formed, life has evolved and finally we have a blummin’ iPhone Tablet. Yes, the iPad is here. You can see all the spec for yourself here – and you can win one for free here!

It has a 9.7 inch screen and is half an inch thin – there’s just the one screen size, rather than a range of different sized devices. It’s powered by an 1GHz Apple A4 chip with 16GB to 64GB of flash storage, as well as all the features of the iPhone – compass, accelerometer, Bluetooth, speaker, microphone. It also has a 10 hour battery life – so halve that and knock an hour off.

The basic device has wifi capabilities, although there is another version with wifi capability; the deal struck with AT&T in the US means unlimited use for $29.99 a month (£18.53) with no contract – plus the 3G version is also unlocked. One note on the 3g – the iPad takes a “GSM micro SIM” – which UK operators currently offers them, then? None at all, we think. Apps currently found in the App Store will run on the iPad, although changes to the developer SDK will allow apps to be specifically built for it.

How much? Despite the doomsayers predicting near $1,000, the basic iPad is $499 in the US – that’s £309 in proper money, so expect a £350/£399 price tag. There are six models in total: 16GB / 32GB / 64GB, each available as wifi or 3G – $499 gets you the basic version, it’s $599 for 32GB and $699 for the wifi iPad. If you fancy 3G then 16GB is $629, 32GB is $729 and a 64GB iPad with 3G is $829. There’s also a standalone keyboard available too, and the whole kit and kaboodle ships in March.

Sweet muscular Jesus, it’s true! There’s a new Apple product on the way later today and in our typically ramshackle fashion, without having a clue what Steve Jobs is going to announce, Bitterwallet is going to give it away to you – the avid reader of this mighty organ.

We’ll point you to some very specific terms and conditions below – essentially what we’re saying is, assuming it’s the mythical Apple Tablet that is unveiled shortly, then you can win an Apple Tablet from Bitterwallet! But how?

You need to do any or all of the following – there are three ways to enter, each counting as one entry:

- if you haven’t already, subscribe to our email alerts; you can do this by entering your email address in the top right hand corner of the page where it say ‘Subscribe To Email Alerts!’ and completing the registration process. This counts as one entry.

- using your powers of cognitive thought and imagination, complete the following quote in 12 words or less:

“I would lose my virginity all over again to Bitterwallet if I won an Apple tablet, because…”

Post your completed quote in the comments below; we’re not judging them on grounds of content (and if you win, you don’t have to hand over your virginity), so don’t take too long to compose it. Remember to include a valid email address in the appropriate field when you leave your comment – don’t worry, other readers can’t see it. This counts as one entry.

- If you’re on Twitter, tweet a link to this post (or simply retweet this one) and include the hashtag #bitterwallet. Don’t spam folk with multiple tweets as we’ll only be counting eligible accounts once. This counts as one entry.

You have until 5pm next Wednesday to enter, so off you go and best of luck! And fans of official small print – here you go, you beasts:

* The competition ends on Wednesday 3rd February 2010 at 5pm GMT
* Open to UK residents only
* One person per household may enter
* Only one entry per person for each of the three means of entry will be valid
* You must complete the email address verification to be eligible
* You must include a valid email address if commenting below
* The prize will be dispatched to the winner within fourteen working days of Bitterwallet receiving it from Apple
* Bitterwallet cannot determine nor guarantee delivery time of prize, nor its compatibility or available features in any given country
* the exact model and specification of the prize will be determined at after the closing date
* Bitterwallet’s decision regarding the winner is final and no correspondence will be entered into

We didn’t post anything about the iPhone yesterday. Or that may have been the day before. Anyway, to make up for our obvious lapse, there’ll be at least two Apple related stories today. Yes, you’re very welcome.

If there’s been a recession over the past year, nobody told Steve Jobs. Last night Apple announced their most profitable quarter ever – profits were up 46 per cent in the three months to the end of September, compared to the same period last year. Revenue also increased 25 per cent year on year.

Apple sold over 3 million Macs in the three months, a 17 per cent unit increase. And nobody has tired of the Jesus Phone, despite the letdown surrounding the 3GS release – sales of the iPhone rose 7 per cent to 7.4 million units. Sales of the iPod fell 8 per cent, but sales of the iPod Touch increased 100 per cent, meaning customers must be deserting the likes of the Classic and Shuffle in droves.

“We’ve got a very strong lineup for the holiday season and some really great new products in the pipeline for 2010,” said Jobs, though some analysts think they’ll be updates for the MacBook and iMac announced before Christmas. More iPhonesque news later. You love it, you do.

If you thought the last Apple keynote lacked substance, you were right. Not just because of the limited improvements to existing product lines and the failure to launch market-leading hardware, but because it seems not one of the stage presenters had a vocabulary developed beyond that of a seven year-old girl from Kansas:

[YouTube]