3D football eh? I bet that’s mental. I bet Richard Key’s hairy hands look even more ghastly when lurching out of the screen like a b-movie monster.

Anyway, BSkyB are going to launch Europe’s first 3D TV channel, Sky 3D, with the Barclays Premier League match between ManUrinals and Chelski on Saturday 3rd April.

It’s not just a one-off though as Sky have announced that they plan to show at least a further five Premier League games (which have yet to be announced… Hull fans, I wouldn’t get your hopes up) before the end of the season on 9th May.

Lower down the leagues, Sky also plan to show the Coca-Cola Football League play-off finals from Wembley Stadium in 3D in summer.

Over a thousand pubs have signed up to show Sky 3D. So from April, once word gets around to which ale-houses have it, we’ll all be able to pile in and watch footy matches popping out of the screen, with clearances heading directly toward our eyeballs. It’s likely that more and more pubs will sign up in the next few weeks.

Brian Lenz, director of product design and TV product development at Sky, called the 3D channel’s launch with the title-contender clash “fitting”. I don’t know why he said that, but he did.

Anyway, even if it’s only a novelty, it should be great fun.

[BrandRepublic]

If you were sickened by the fact that you missed out on seeing Sky’s recent one-off trial of 3D Premier League football, you won’t have to wait too long for another go at it.

LG are crowing over the fact that they’ve just flogged 15,000 3D TV sets to Sky for the broadcaster to sprinkle into pubs across the land… and it’s going to happen sooner rather than later.

The broadcaster we all hate to love tried out the 3D experience in January for the Manchester United v Arsenal league match, which turned out to be a huge success, prompting the speedy return of 3D.

Sky are said to be planning a rapid rollout of the 3D footy this spring, and as there’s only about ten weekends of Premier League matches remaining, we reckon we’re looking at days rather than weeks before we’re all down the juicer turning the place into a scene akin to a pissed-up Roy Orbison convention.

Tough times for Britain’s eyes and livers, but we’ll cope…

[Engadget]

We’re so jam-packed full of bargains today that we’re not even going to bother banging on about the latest great offer on Cadburys Creme Eggs (because it isn’t Easter) or the mega-cheap DVD of Elf (because it isn’t Christmas).

So here’s some other stuff, brought to you in conjunction with HotUKDeals…

We kick off with a deal that will help you get Sky through your Xbox 360. That includes Sky Sports and a remote control and an Xbox Live membership. Sadly there isn’t a towel for you to mop your fevered brow with the excitement of it all, but you can’t have everything.

But you can have the deal we’ve just outlined in the previous paragraph (look up ever so slightly, ah, yes, there it is!) for a 50% off price of only £14.99. There’s more info along with much of the usual speculation, fear and confusion over at HotUKDeals.

Next, we turn to Manchester City Football Club. They’re possibly the richest club in the world but they’re still never more than a couple of incidents away from catastrophe. What’s more – they’re struggling to fill their cavernous stadium.

Which is where you come in. You can get a ticket for their upcoming match against Wigan Athletic that will admit an adult and an under-15. Added to that, you’ll get a junior 2009/10 home shirt, and all of that will set you back the small sum of £30. That’s a tiny percentage of what the club paid for the services of Robinho, but we can’t be arsed to work out what it is.

Finally today, we inevitably turn to fish, namely the brightly coloured ones that mill about in brightly lit tanks. Sounds like an impossible dream but it doesn’t have to be – you can have fish like that in your own living room.

What you’ll need for starters is a tank, and this one should fit the bill – an Orca NT50 Nano 80 litre affair, including a pump, filter system, and light. It’s yours for only £89.95, leaving you plenty of spare cash for fish. Just make you sure you remember to put some water in it first.

(deals found by HUKD members Yatton, andywedge, mattyf and mamboboy)

It’s Friday and that means your weekly dose of our true or false guessing game. No more sailing blankly through the round-up of bargains like you do the rest of the week – this is serious.

More bargains and less bullshit over at HotUKDeals.

THE DEAL: For new Sky customers, your first year’s subscription at half-price. Plus free HD pack and free Sky+ HD box.

TRUE OR FALSE?  HD TV has not even begun to reach its full potential. By 2020, experts believe levels will rise somewhere between 254-256. With the addition of as-yet-unpredictable stremifying boosts, the levels could reach a dizzying 257.

THE DEAL: Mixer taps. Three designs to choose from. Only £17.99.

TRUE OR FALSE?  Get the settings just right and these mixer taps could provide you with a mixture of water, barbecue sauce, hot syrup, olive oil and Labrador urine.

THE DEAL:  £19 hotel room sale starts at 6am tomorrow. It covers stays from 12^th March to 31^st May

TRUE OR FALSE?  You get an extra 10% off the price of your room if you bring your own bedding and 15% off if you bring someone else’s bedding.

(deals found by HUKD members darlowad, hotmik and noiy)

TRUE OR FALSE: All statements are FALSE!

That picture we always see whenever clueless media types try and show us how football fans behave. Now with the addition of silly spectacles.

People, the future is finally here – and better still, you’ll have to go down the pub to witness it in all its majestic glory.

Sky, the broadcasting monster that we all love to hate and hate to love but secretly love a bit anyway are the providers of the great leap forward – it’s your real, actual 3D football on the telly.

It’ll happen as soon as this Sunday in a smattering of pubs around the country where the Arsenal v Manchester United Premier League skirmish will be broadcast in all three magnificent dimensions. Sky claim it will be it will be the first transmission of a live 3D TV sports event to a public audience.

Better still, if you want to see it, you’ll need to work out where to go, as Sky are refusing to reveal the identity of the nine pubs, in order to avoid a series of stampedes.

All they will say is that four of the screenings will be in London, with two in Manchester and one each in Cardiff, Edinburgh and Dublin.

The service will be increased in April, when hundreds of pubs will be kitted out with 3D screening equipment, with scores of grown adults standing around all sporting silly 3D glasses as they watch Burnley and Birmingham grind out a miserable 0-0 draw.

By the end of the year, Sky 3D should be available in the living rooms of Sky HD subscribers who take their film and movie packages.

Where will it all end? Smell-o-vision we hope, with the chance to opt in for the whiff of stale beer and meat pies, or if you choose the retro option, Silk Cuts and male urine.

Little by little, inch by inch, Sky will have your life. It starts off as a basic TV package, then they throw in a landline for free. Then there’s packages, HD channels if you want them, or watch Sky in other rooms of the house. Then they throw in broadband if you’ll pay for the landline and before you know it, you’re handing over £70 a month to Sky, not £20.

Their latest sleight-of-hand, which we mentioned several months ago, is to strictly monitor broadband usage – not that they sold it to the consumer like that. Sky provided a usage tool so you could monitor how much of your broadband allowance you used every month, but of course this monitoring then allowed Sky to impose sanctions. Specifically, if you exceed your allowance twice in six months you are automatically upgraded to the next price plan.

Are you automatically downgraded if you fail to reach your previous allowance the following month? No, that can only be done manually, obviously – Sky dictate which functions are automatic and which are manual to suit their bottom line, because plenty of customers won’t notice or indeed care enough to query an extra fiver a month.

The reason it’s worth mentioning is because home broadband usage is bound to have been abnormally high during December and January’s bad weather (with work and school closures, usage tripled in our household), meaning Sky get their two strikes in six months and increase your bill accordingly. You can find Sky’s broadband usage tool here; if Sky try subscribing you to a more expensive pacakage, check your usage next month – make sure you don’t end up paying too much to Sky for broadband allowance you don’t use.

EDIT: After studying our reports of voting patterns, we have learned that the results of the second semi-final were tainted by multiple votes for DSGi, a stunt that was probably pulled by a paedophile or someone with an unfeasibly tiny penis, like a chipolata as viewed through the wrong end of a telescope.

As a result, the DSGi votes have been disregarded and Paypal and Orange have been put forward into Monday’s final. Bitterwallet’s decision is final so don’t even bother not shutting the fuck up about it. This is not Tehran – democracy will prevail.

Welcome, dear reader, to the second semi-final in our Bitterwallet Worst Company in Britain 2009 spectacular, with the remaining TWO places in the grand final up for grabs from today’s contenders.

We would like to apologise again for yesterday’s cock-up which saw the voting scrapped shortly before noon after it was discovered that Barclays had mistakenly snuck into the draw instead of Royal Mail. Voting has been extended until noon today if you’d still like to join in.

So, with all mistakes behind us, we look forward to today’s juicy tear-up between the four other companies who have staggered through rounds one and two – namely Clarks shoe shops, Marlboro, Cheltenham Town FC and Echo & The Bunnymen.

Hang on – that’s not quite right. In actual fact, you can choose between Orange, DSGi, Sky and Paypal. A motley crew and no mistake, and, unless some kind of unseen screw-up is spotted, the voting will end at midnight tonight. Remember, the two highest-polling companies will reach the final.

The final will commence on Monday and voting will go on for the whole of 2010. Not really. You can check out who the victors of the first semi-final were here from noon and go down memory lane with all of the results so far here.

Well – what are you waiting for? START VOTING, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARDS!

Fess up then – how many of you stayed up until midnight on Friday to discover the outcome of the weekend’s REAL voting battle? We’re talking of course about the scuffle between Ryanair and DSGi in our Worst Company In Britain 2009 competition.

In the end, over 1200 votes were cast and by the end, the difference between the two companies was merely a dozen. You can find out the final result here.

Today’s showdown seems a little less glamorous, but could be just as tight. It’s between Littlewoods and Sky. Who do you hate more? Let us know and help send one of these two into the last eight.

All of the results to date can be found here and you’ve got until midnight before today’s vote closes.

Hello to you from the epicentre of consumer crappiness that is the Bitterwallet Worst Company In Britain 2009 competition, as we work our way towards finding out who will be new holders of the golden turd trophy.

By the way, if there’s anyone at all left at the HQ of 2008’s winner Setanta and you’re reading this and you know where the trophy is; erm, we’d like it back please – your year of shame is almost over.

Today’s crunch clash is a showdown between two modern media giants that have miffed a bunch of you over the past year – we’re talking Sky and we’re talking Microsoft. You have until midnight to vote for one or neither of them. Or, if you understand how such things work, both of them, or one of them loads and loads of times. Whatever. Just vote. Or don’t.

Yesterday saw a major pow-wow between Comet and DSGi – find out who emerged in tatters here. Also, you can bring yourself up to speed with the results to date here and, owing to immense public demand, you can ogle a picture of a large stuffed giraffe outside a Travelodge here. That is all.

Every day we fill in forms, on paper or online, that provide the option of keeping our personal data private, or allowing it to be shared with third parties. Most of us never think of the implications these decisions have, beyond more direct mail shoveled through the letterbox. For example, do we ever consider there are companies that aggregate our information in order to profile us? And what these profiles could be used for?

All very sinister and paranoid, but then Sky isn’t making any bones about what they’re up to. Yesterday customers received an email about changes to the Sky Player terms and conditions; the changes primarily focused on a new contextual advertising system called AdSmart, which was announced in September with little fanfare. AdSmart will allow Sky to target customers watching on-demand Sky programmes with advertising tailored to the viewer, beginning with online services and subsequently rolling out to HD customers:

We are writing to let you know about some changes we are making to the Sky Player terms and conditions, including the way we provide advertising on Sky Player.

In future [sic], the advertising you see on Sky Player may be better tailored to your interests. The new system, which is called Sky AdSmart, uses customer information to replace some general adverts with ones which we believe to be more relevant to viewers’ potential preferences and interests.

We will take information that you have provided to us as a Sky customer (for example, your post code or TV package), in combination with data provided by other companies who have your permission to share information about you, to build up a picture of what types of products and services might be of interest to you. We then substitute standard adverts with ones we believe are more tailored to your interests.

Have a read through about how Sky is sourcing this information about you; it’s not only personal data you supply to them, but information Sky has bought from other companies, plus your browsing habits too. It might be data you gave permission to be shared, but did you expect it to be stored and combined with other sets of information in order to profile your personality? When we sign our personal information away, we not only relinquish the data but also any say in how a third party might use it or who they provide it to. But what can Sky do with our data? Beam dazzlingly relevant adverts into our brains? And the rest:

Sky may also use your information for the following purposes:

· to enable us to comply with any legal requirements, in the detection and prevention of fraud and other crimes, and for the purpose of safeguarding national security;

Preventing fraud is not unreasonable – you’re involved in financial transactions with a business, after all. But Sky is also aggregating data that can be used to “safeguard national security”. Everybody is happy with where this is leading, right? Far from simply handing over your name and address, Sky can supply in-depth customer profiles to the police and other security bodies with impunity.

Can you opt out of Sky collecting all this information about you? Seemingly not. Out of AdSmart? Yes, but as Bitterwallet reader Billy pointed out to us, it’s an almost entirely useless way of doing so:

The Audience Science cookie enables behavioural advertising. Audience Science uses the cookie to place your device in certain advertising segments (e.g. sports segment) based on the content you view on Sky online services and websites and selected third party websites.

[To opt-out of the cookie] Audience Science will send an “opt-out cookie” to your device: please note that if you subsequently delete all of your cookies, you will also delete the Audience Science opt-out cookie.

So Sky will automatically drop a cookie into your browser as part of their terms, but to opt out you have to accept a second cookie which will be deleted if clear them? Foolproof. And this cookie only disables the AdSmart service; it certainly doesn’t prevent Sky gathering the information.

For plenty of people these sort of terms won’t matter and they’ll be perfectly acceptable in exchange for using Sky Player. But Phorm snooped on online users habits and were ran out the country; Sky is warehousing user data from multiple sources and it’s perfectly acceptable. What do Sky know about you?

Your time is precious, plus your Sky subscription is hardly a snip – so when you need to consult the Sky EPG for recommendations, you expect quality insight into how best to manage your free time. Unless you plump for some dogshit starring Steven Seagal – then you get everything you deserve, frankly:

[MartinKelner.com]

As expected, ESPN have announced the launch of a new channel, set up primarily to show their booty of 46 live Premier League games. The rights matches were originally held by the ill-fated Setanta Sports until they went colossally tits-up last month.

The channel, which will have the snappy title of ESPN, will launch on August 3rd, just under two weeks before the start of the Premier League season. The broadcaster have agreed a carriage deal with Sky and Rupert Murdoch’s killer broadcasting lizard will also sell ads for the new channel. Further announcements about other UK pay-TV platforms are expected in the near future.

Current Sky Sports subscribers will have to pay £9 per month to add ESPN to their existing package while non-subscribers will have to fork out £12 per month. Which doesn’t seem all that different to Setanta’s pricing structure, which has already been proven to be a complete and utter disaster.

ESPN also owns rights to show American football, ice hockey, baseball and college football and basketball throughout Europe and they will be expected to pad out their schedules with some of these lesser sports.

How about it then football fans? Will you stump up almost another tenner a month to watch the matches that Sky didn’t want in the first place? Will you go down the pub whenever your team is on and say ‘sod it’ to the rest of ESPN’s offering? Or will you take advantage of the many illicit online streams of live action that are out there in World Wide Web World? Will ESPN’s UK offering be joining Setanta in the Deathwatch dumper this time next year?

What now for endless Heartbeat repeats? Eh?

Sky and Ofcom look like they could be on collision course after the regulator proposed that Sky should make its premium film and sport content available to other broadcasting platforms such as BT Vision and Virgin Media. Naturally the satellite giant has rejected this out of hand and says it will use all legal avenues to stop it from going ahead.

Ofcom claim that forcing Sky to share its goodies will be a “most appropriate way of ensuring fair and effective competition” and that the content will be shared at regulated prices.

The news was welcomed with undisguised glee by BT Vision. The chief executive of BT Retail, Gavin Patterson possibly almost wet himself with excitement when he bleated: “The proposal to force Sky to wholesale its content is welcome, but we now need Ofcom to step up the pace and to enforce this rigorously,” like someone who had just found a golden turd in his garden.

What do y’all think? If Sky’s premium stuff could be viewed elsewhere, would you walk away from Murdochland? Is it even a fair proposal in the first place or is Ofcom turning into some kind of communist bully-boy organisation? Will we still be able to watch repeats of Heartbeat if it all comes off? Tell us what you think.

The end is almost certainly nigh for Setanta after they failed to make a payment that was due to the Premier League at the end of today. The company have now lost the rights to 46 Premier League games for the coming season, and the rights will now be auctioned, with bids due in by Monday.

The Premier League said it had “been working with Setanta for some time to help them continue as the broadcaster of 46 UK live matches for the 2009/10 season” adding, “It is with considerable regret that we announce that Setanta has been unable to meet their obligations. As such the existing licence agreement between us has been terminated with immediate effect.”

As Sky are not permitted to bid for the full package, it is expected that ESPN will snap up some of the matches.

“We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a dear and loyal friend. Actually ,scratch that. We’re here to have a bit of a knees up and jump all over the grave of Setanta, winner of Bitterwallet’s Worst Company UK award. Sorry if you lost your job and all that. Here, have a can of Skol and a mushroom vol-au-vent.”

And so the scene is set for us to wave farewell to Setanta. According to a BBC report, the company is losing £100 million a year and will slide into administration “within days” unless somebody fancies squaring the £30 million it owes the Premier League. That’s on top of the £3 million payment it missed to the Scottish Premier League last week. Crivens.

According to one analyst, Setanta has only attracted 60 per cent of the subscribers it needed to continue as a viable business, and an investor with pockets as deep as Sartre is now needed to stump up the cash. If Setanta does fold, it’d mean the rights for future football seasons would be up for grabs – Sky seems the obvious choice although yankee doodles ESPN are also thought to be in the running.

But why spend £100 million on showing the games when you could buy a team? Newcastle United is up for sale for a paltry £100 million. However, NUFC owner Mike Ashley has taken the unusual and, some would say, idiotic step of publically inviting interested parties to email the club. It’s given Sunderland fans the sort of opportunity they’d have to sexually satisfy a genie to enjoy again.

Expect Newcastle United’s mail server to collapse under a heap of offers to buy the club for a quid, a turd in a bag, a pint of warm piss etc, and for the message to disappear from the official site shortly. You’ve got to hand it to Ashley – it’d take a staggering effort to make a once-proud institution like NUFC look like an even bigger prize dick than it already did. Yet somehow, he’s managed it again. Cheers.

[BBC]

EDIT: As of Tuesday afternoon, Setanta has disabled its online and telephone subscription services, meaning that anyone foolhardy enough to become a new customer with them can go and swivel. End game.