Posts Tagged ‘sandwich’
This sandwich is amazing. Just reading about it has given me seventeen heart-attacks. Delicious, dribbling heart-attacks.
Want the huge array of ingredients for this 6 inches in diameter colon compacter? Here goes (deep breath): 2 rolls, 4 cheeseburgers, kebab meat, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, double cheesesteak, chicken cheesesteak, grilled chicken, mac n cheese bites, fried mushrooms, jalapeño poppers, bits of pizza, onion rings, hash browns, cheese slices, mayonnaise, ketchup and fries.
Get in our guts. NOW.
Okay, we’re late again because today’s deals are so HOT that we had to put them on the windowsill so they could cool down. And they’re a bit more impressive than a Tesco funnel for 9p as well!
As ever, they have emanated from the bargain Xanadu that is HotUKDeals. Go there for more of the same…
It can capture images for a lifetime, allowing you to remember loads of shit that you might otherwise forget. One of the best cameras in the known world is probably the blue Canon Powershot A80. Get one now for only £39.99. (down from £91.76)
Next comes a little gizmo that can power up a whole host of entertainment devices in your car while you are on the move from adventure to adventure – something that we’re sure has to be one of the best inventions in the known world.
It’s a 1000mA USB adaptor car cigarette plugger-inner thingy that will pump hour after hour of power into a wide range of gadgets leaving you free to drive around and that. The guys and dolls over at HUKD are having a discussion about what it will and won’t charge up – while they’re doing that, why not get out your £1.70 and get yourself one.
Finally, who among us can honestly say that they hate sandwiches? The humble sandwich, probably one of the greatest foodular products ever invented by man, beast or robot. Except for the KFC Double Down – that was just fucking disgusting.
Speaking of double, we’re offering you the chance to temporarily acquire double vision when it comes to your sandwiches. You can get two Greggs sandwiches for the price of one, leaving you with the dilemma of sharing the spare with someone or scoffing the lot for yourself. Tough call soldier…
(deals found by HUKD members jordan210, elrasho, Voyto, and notts6501)
More skank-hot news from the sandwich technology sector for you now. Yesterday we brought you the revelatory Candwich – the sandwich in a can that is said to be hitting the shops later in the year.
But on the meantime, here’s one that has hit the shops NOW – the lasagne sandwich from good old Tesco. Looking about as appetising as an average carpet after the dog has dragged its arse across it, it’s basically cold lasagne pasted in between two pieces of bread.
The actual description of it makes it sound slightly more exotic however – Tesco say it’s ‘two thick slices of bread and a filling of diced beef in a tomato and herb sauce layered with cooked pasta sheets and a creamy cheddar, ricotta and mayonnaise dressing’. Yeah, right – nice work with the words there.
Tesco food developer and sandwich creator Laura Fagan parped off about the monstrous invention, saying: ‘We think the lasagne sandwich could become the food of choice for anyone wanting a solid snack between meals. The inspiration comes from my own student days and how certain foods could sometimes taste much better the next day – such as pizza, lasagne and even curry.’
Thing is though, when we were students we used to monk one out over Carol Vordeman every afternoon, but it doesn’t mean you keep doing it when you grow up (it’s Rachel Riley now).
Yet again, Bitterwallet reports to you from the frontline of sandwich technology. Remember the first time you saw a sandwich being sold in sealed plastic packaging instead of merely being wrapped in greaseproof paper? Well mark today down in your diary as the day the sandwich world spun right off its axis.
Ask yourself how a sandwich could possibly be sold to you any fresher than it already is? The answer – put it in a can.
We speak, of course, about the Candwich, undoubtedly a major leap forward for humankind and their food consumption. When these eventually make it into the shops, we’ll be filling the Bitterwallet larder right up to the ceiling with these things, ahead of the imminent nuclear holocaust.
Sadly, there’s been a spot of bother in getting the Candwich from the brain to the shops, owing to the small matter of its inventor, Travis L. Wright (yes, American) being accused of defrauding real estate investors out of millions of dollars in order to fund his harebrained Candwich scheme.
But another company has stepped into the breach and it’s been reported that these things will be in the shops of the United States of A shortly. Britain’s breath is baited…
There were shocking scenes in North East England last week, when avid Bitterwallet reader Dave bought a Boots chicken and bacon sandwich as part of their so-called ‘meal deal’, only to discover the sinister truth after purchasing it – that there was next-to-no delicious meat filling in-between the slices of rustic/brown bread:
As news of this catastrophe resonated around the wor- oh, fuck it. It was a sandwich without enough filling in it. That’s it. Despite this and against all odds, we’ve somehow managed to spin a second post out of the story, thanks to avid reader David taking his complaint to the Executive Chairman of Alliance Boots, using the indispensable guide we published earlier in the month.
Because the Executive Chairman replied.
So first, Dave receives an email from Stefano Pessina. About a sandwich.
Thank you for writing to me personally about your experience. I am most concerned to read your email and I have asked my specialist team to investigate your concerns and to respond on my behalf.
Rest assured that they will be back in contact with you very soon, however if you feel you want to speak to them, they can be contacted on 0115 959 2546.
From the chairman, Dave’s complaint is then passed to the Group Chief Executive of Boots, who forwards it onto senior management in customer services:
Andy Hornby Our Group Chief Executive has asked me to acknowledge the receipt of your email, and to respond on his behalf.
Thank you for contacting us about the Chicken and Bacon Meal Deal you recently bought from us. Having viewed the pictures you sent I certainly agree that the sandwich looks most unappetising and is clearly well short of the required standard that we expect to deliver to our customers. We make every effort to avoid this sort of thing happening so I do apologise that we have let you down on this occasion. I will personally share your feedback with our supplier so they can learn from it too and reduce the chance of this happening again.
I’m extremely concerned that you paid for a product that did not meet our highest standards and that you had an unpleasant experience. As a gesture of my concern I would like to arrange for a Giftcard to be sent to you, which I hope will go some way to restoring your faith and trust in us.
If you could let me know your address details I would be more than happy to arrange this for you straight away.
I look forward to hearing from you shortly Mr Taylor, and I hope you?ll accept my sincerest apologies for any upset caused.
Senior Customer Manager
Chief Executive’s Office
Brilliant. Common sense has prevailed. All is well in the world once more. And avid Bitterwallet reader Dave will have the sandwich he truly deserves. Hats of to Boots and the senior board members for their excellent and personal customer service.
It’s not just armies that march on their stomachs; avid Bitterwallet readers do, too. And they’re unlikely to fight for their consumer rights with a gnawing sensation in their gut. Take avid reader David, for example – he needed a hearty chicken and bacon sandwich as part of the legendary Boots meal deal to keep his strength up.
But when Dave went to eat his sandwich, bought from Team Valley in Gateshead, Boots gave him the bird. Or rather, they didn’t:
Essentially a bread sandwich, then. Dave has complained to the customer service department at Boots, and to their CEO using the handy guide we published earlier in the month.
“They told me porkies about the poultry amount of filling – it’s a foul way to treat customers, which is why I squealed on them,” Dave might have said if The Sun had published his story.
Walkers like to make a song and dance about their ad campaigns so it’s baffling as to why this new one, launched last night, has been born dead from the neck up.
They’ve taken the spurious idea that their crisps “can make any sandwich that little bit more exciting” a claim that they’ll never get to stand up in court if common sense has got anything to do with it, and tried to demonstrate it by hot-footing it off to… the town Sandwich in Kent! With celebrities!
That’s because celebrities make any situation crackle and fizz more than ordinary folk don’t they? Even if they’re a bunch of charisma-free grunts like Jenson Button, Frank Lampard, Marco Pierre White and Pamela Anderson. Nice, at least two of them have starred in home-made sex tapes so that should get things going. Oh, and there’s JLS, who don’t count as real celebs because they were on The X Factor.
As usual, they’re all led by Walkers’ regular harbinger of doom, Gary Lineker, the man whose lack of personality has helped make BBC1’s weekly Premier League post mortem less exciting than an actual post mortem.
Look at the barely-disguised disgust on Marco Pierre White’s mush as he gamely tries to go along with the premise that a bag of Walkers crisps will jazz up any sandwich he could cobble together (although crucially, he never actually makes the claim himself.)
A spokesbod for the snack behemoths growled: “The new Walkers ad is all about taking the ordinary and making it extraordinary.” So there you are people of Sandwich, you’re ordinary, okay? The only reason these snack fascists have descended on your bog-standard town is because some inspiration-free ad excec had a piss-weak idea about jazzing up a sandwich with a bag of crisps.
And they dare to wheel Lineker in to ring-lead the razzmatazz? Gah!
Bitterwallet reader Sheikh Mahand has noticed a cruel marketing tactic designed to either rob customers blind or covertly preserve the world cheese reserves, after last week’s devastating and highly publicised outbreak of Irish cheese weevils in Donegai:
“An enticing deal from Boots (I think) – this was a sandwich (deep fill cheese, if I remember correctly) that solely contained four slices of bread. A total snip at £1.20, and of course who could refuse the price slash of twenty pence?”
We can read something about a Greek-style yogurt mayonnaise so perhaps the good Sheikh misread the label – still at 30 60 pence per slice, it’s probably still cheaper than a loaf from Marks & Spencer. We’d like more of your supermarket shelf oddities please – send them to firstname.lastname@example.org.