Beers sales are on the up! HURRAY! Unless, of course, they’ve gone up for depressing reasons like, say, everyone in Britain is depressed and started looking into habitual alcoholism. One source of simultaneous glee and gloom – the World Cup – is thought to be one of the reasons that UK beer sales have risen.

The BBC report that the equivalent of more than 2.2 billion pints were sold between April and June, which according to the British Beer and Pub Association (BBPA), is an increase of 2.9% on last year which means that quarterly sales were up on 12 months ago for the first time in four years. The nice weather probably didn’t do any harm either.

It isn’t all good news for the booze industry. Growth was seen at shops and supermarkets, but sales in Britain’s pubs fell by 6.3%. “The World Cup has certainly been a benefit to Britain’s beer sector and we can now hope that the market is starting to turn a corner,” said BBPA chief executive Brigid Simmonds.

“However, while there is some reason for cheer, it has to be noted that beer sales in pubs are still falling and the nation’s pubs need support.”

The BBPA once again called on the government to freeze the tax on beer and support pubs “recognising the economic and social contribution of these vital community assets”.

SAVE OUR PUBS!

Sing it loud, sing it proud, David ‘Becks’ Beckham has SAVED the glorious brand that is Lego – and it’s all thanks to an anecdote on the last ever Friday Night With Jonathan Ross show.

While comfortably ensconced on the Ross sofa, Becks revealed how he passed the spare time as a Milan player by painstakingly building the Lego Taj Mahal kit, to the delight of the viewers and no doubt the bigwigs at Lego.

A few sums and a hastily-cobbled-together press release later and the news that the Lego Taj Mahal has had a 663% sales increase are all over the popular press. In fact, the Lego heads are so pleased that they’ve invited the Beckham clan to their headquarters in Billund, an offer that sounds good but that we’re almost certain will be declined.

Hang on – at first glance, a 663% sales increase seems mightily impressive, but no actual sales figures have been quoted. What if Lego had only sold three Taj Mahal kits on the day before Becks plugged the thing on BBC1? That would mean the quoted increase would translate to about 20 Taj Mahal kits flogged the day after. Oh. So what then, we all roar. A few Beckham-obsessed uberfans have bought the kit in order to be like their hero and that’s that.

It’s another example of the traditional mass media running hog wild with a complete non-story in a desperate attempt to make themselves seem important and hang on to their readers. Or sensationalist nonsense like this.

If you want to really know where it’s at, stick with Bitterwallet – your go-to website for price sticker fuck ups and ropey actresses pouring Perrier water down their tits.

Like Ken Dodd, it’s almost 85 years old. Unlike Ken Dodd, its days are well and truly numbered. We speak of course, about the analogue television set.

It has been confirmed that there are no analogue tellies to be found in major British high street stores any more, as the race towards the digital switchover gathers momentum. Last month, for the first time, zero sales of analogue television sets were recorded.

Stats show that out of 26.8 million UK TV homes, 23.8 million of them already have digital – via DTT, satellite, or cable. The big analogue switch off is due to be completed in 2012. Kinda sad.

Some questions – when was the last time you called out the television repair man? Is there anything more amazing than the sight of the inner workings of a CRT telly or is that just a childhood thing? Are we all just getting old? 3D telly – that’s a load of old shite really isn’t it?

Your thoughts…?

Of course it’s no indicator that they’re going to take the UK electronic retailing scene in their iron fist and squeeze out their competitors but Best Buy are crowing over their opening weekend’s sales at their debut store in Thurrock.

They say that the store notched up the highest number of opening weekend Best Buy sales anywhere, anytime in the known universe in the company’s entire history ever. Cor blimey, eh readers?

No doubt the figures will have been boosted by some mighty opening weekend discounts, and we’re not sure how much actual profit they’ll have bagged but Best Buy have even provided us all with some quotes from delighted customers…

Anthony from Purfleet said, “I’ve been waiting for ages since I saw Best Buy’s launch announced last summer. Two weeks ago I found out it was opening today so I booked time off work to come down. I expected there to be big queues so I got down here early. I actually only came in for Avatar on Blu-Ray but now I’ve got two Nintendo Wiis and a hard drive – and I’m coming back later for a laptop when I’ve picked up the ‘missus’ from work.”

Tom from Dartford said: “I spoke to a Blueshirt for about 10 minutes about laptops, he seemed to really know his stuff.”

The ‘missus’! Blueshirts! It’s like some kind of hazy dream! Where will it all end?

It’s possibly the most talked-about advert around at the moment, and it has had a phenomenal effect on sales. We speak of course about Jimmy Bullard’s Wash & Go remake.

No, of course we don’t. We mean the new John Lewis ad, a 90-second race through the life of a woman, from ickle baby to crumbling old buffer, stopping off at all points in between.

It’s a real blub-fest, almost up there with the ending of Tarka The Otter, and it appears to have stuck a chord with shoppers – John Lewis are reporting a 39.7% increase in online sales since the £6 million ads started reducing the soppier end of the nation to a quivering wreck.

Here’s the ad – have a butchers and once you’ve pulled yourself together afterwards, let us know if you went to the John Lewis site and bought yourself some stuff. Cheers.

You. Yeah, you reading this. You dirty bastard. You’re so depraved and sordid that you’re probably pulling at your genitals as you read this. You’ve probably got something inserted up your hole as well. I bet you’re getting off on my scorn.

You see, historically, we Brits have been branded as being backward in the affairs of the bedroom. We all do it missionary and cum quieter than the lip-smacks of a sleeping dormouse.

Right?

The real truth is that, under all our austerity, we’re actually a set of mucky buggers as fetish products have shown a sharp spike in sales… according to the completely unbiased view of adult retailer, Temptations Direct. We’re all wearing stockings under our business suits like Tory MPs.

It would seem that this recession has stopped us going out, preferring to stay in and rut like farmyard animals. Getting bored of the usual routine, we’ve turned to buying as much equipment as possible from online nacky sites.

In the last 12 months, sales of fetish equipment have sharply risen. Get this:

Restraints – up 390%
Strap ons – up 370%
Fetish penis rings – up 350%
Clamps – up 340%Masks and hoods – up 290%
Chastity devices and whips/canes also saw a strong growth in demand, with an annual rise in sales of 270% and 180% respectively.

Stephen Hackett of Temptations Direct comments: “Fetish imagery is now firmly ingrained in mainstream pop culture and high street fashion, and it’s regularly seen in movies and TV adverts. Meanwhile, fetish clubs such as Torture Garden remain extremely popular amongst UK club-goers. With financial woes compelling Brits to spend more time at home, it’s hardly surprising that sexually liberated adults are increasingly choosing to experiment with bondage, flogging, role play and dressing up in kink-wear.”

So there you have it. You lot are depraved and sick-minded sex-monsters. Feel free to leave your contact details in the comments and the Bitterwallet team will meet you in a lay-by of your choice. We’ll bring our own gimp-masks and wet-wipes.

With Borders now a distant memory, Waterstones pretty much have the high street to themselves as specialist book retailers. But Christmas sales were shockingly bad with like-for-like sales in the five weeks to January 2 falling by 8.5 per cent and managing director Gerry Johnson heading for the exit door as a result.

The HMV-owned company have announced that they going back to basics and trying to be a ‘local’ book store again. For local people presumably.

That means less emphasis on flogging celebrity tie-ins and showbiz autobiographies, an area where Waterstones regularly fail anyway thanks to the deep discounting of the supermarkets.

It also means more shelf space to titles that are pertinent to the town or city where they are being sold, making more of the expertise of the chain’s staff while strengthening their online and digital offerings, with ebooks here to stay.

But is it too little too late? After all, if you can now browse through books online before buying them online, usually with a significant saving into the bargain, will people bother to traipse down to their local Waterstones for a mooch through the shelves?

So, crimefighters, what do you lot think? Can any of you even read? What number are we thinking of? Six? Nope. Try again.

If you’ve watched any television over the past few days, you can’t help but notice there’s a SALE ON NOW. That’s not a surprise, obviously, with many stores dangling an extra carrot in front of consumers; the VAT increase arrives on 1st January, meaning an extra 2.5 per cent will be piled on top of most price tags in just four day’s time, so bag your bargains now, now, NOW!

If you’d like to play a fun consumer-related game with us, then have a crack at the following:

• Choose a shop that is currently predicting some sort of financial Armageddon if you don’t buy from them before the VAT increase on 1st January – your television is currently stuffed with commercials for them. We’ve chosen Currys who are desperate for you to enjoy the bargains while they last.

• Make a note of some product prices -we’ve taken a screengrab of the Beat the VAT promotional page on the Currys site because the suggestion is all these prices – whether they’re sale prices or not – will increase

• Come 2010, compare the prices in January to those offered now

We’re curious to see what stores do, because sticking the additional VAT on prices will cause all manner of ugly numbers – an iPod Touch at Currys costing £149 will become £152.73 £152.25, and so on. So will stores:

• round up their prices up to something which won’t necessitate lots of change in the till and mean the prices look less ambiguous – i.e. £153 in the case of the iPod Touch – but which means charging more than the VAT increase dictates?

• round their prices down for the same reasons as above, but absorb part of the increase themselves?

• make a merry old song and dance about not increasing their prices at all and take the hit, and hence another reason to grab a bargain while you can!

The sales will no doubt continue into January, so let’s see if any dastardly outlets take the opportunity to introduce price rises above 2.5 per cent in the hope nobody spots them. Let us know in the comments or by emailing bitterwallet@gmail.com.

Here’s today’s round-up of the fresh sales both online and out there on Planet High Street.

Add any others that you’ve seen in the comments at the bottom and check out the listings from Wednesday and Tuesday for more links to bargains…

ARGOS: Never heard of them but their sale starts online on Christmas Day and in stores on Boxing Day. (thanks to bamyrich)

TOP MAN: Half price men’s clobber – online now. (thanks to Alex_Boosh_Hair)

THE BOOK PEOPLE: Loads of reading material, from only £1.00. (thanks to Rhys135)

IKEA: Sale now on instore apparently even though it’s officially scheduled to begin on Boxing Day. (thanks to umar_imtiaz)

USC: Those of you who believe it stands for Unbelievably Shite Clothes will be proved wrong when you check out their online sale. Or proved right. Depends. (thanks to aunny170)

DISNEY STORE: Online sale now well underway. May contain mild peril. (thanks to twoangels)

LOVEHONEY: It’s possibly illegal to list this under the Disney Store, but it’s adult sex toys and stuff. Sauce. (thanks to k2nwo)

HORNBY: It’s probably appropriate to list Hornby under Lovehoney but it’s train sets and not more Yankee Doodle hardware. Online sale on now. (thanks to zacota!)

DEBENHAMS: All sorts of tat, reduced online now and instore from Boxing Day. (thanks to magpieno1)

MARKS AND SPENCER: Sale on online now and instore from Boxing Day. (thanks to bigfra)

MATALAN: Up to 50% off stuff and that, instore NOW! (thanks to djdave01)

GIO-GOI: Crazy clothes for crazy guys and crazy gals – online sale on now. (thanks to edi)

TED BAKER: More threads at up to 70% off from the star of Cheers. No, wait, that was Ted Danson. Online now. (thanks to ish_badboy4life)

GAME: Games. Online. Now. (thanks to Bingohomer)

GAMEPLAY: More. Games. Online. Now. Big list of titles at HUKD. (thanks to NOSAJ19)

HILTON HOTELS: January 2010 sale is on now. Someone needs to have a word with them about false advertising. (thanks to dealauthority)

SAINSBURYS: Sale of home items on NOW! (thanks to amber34688)

B&Q: Half price sale on instore and online now. Plus there’s an extra 15% off when you spend £50 or more until 29^th December. (thanks to sanoob)

GAMESTATION: 50% off sale online now. Games. (thanks to SRPhoto)

MAPLIN: Sale starts online on Christmas Day and any customer placing an order over £39 will receive a 52-piece household tool and socket set worth £14.99 free. (thanks to andywedge)

FIGLEAVES: Up to 50% off now. Women’s underduds and that. (thanks to nickt100)

RED HOUSE BOOKS: Reading material for the kiddiewinkies from only £1.00. (thanks to Rhys135)

RICHER SOUNDS: TV and hi-fi stuff, sale starts 10am on Boxing Day. (thanks to losthour)

THE MENSWEAR SITE: Up to 80% off… menswear! (thanks to Paul)

BUYAGIFT: Makeovers, hampers, gifts and experiences with 25% off. (thanks to Graham)

For all you pre-Christmas bargain hunters, here’s another round-up of sales that have either kicked off over the last day or two or are starting soon, courtesy of HotUKDeals.

We came up with a similar list yesterday that you can find here – surely there’s something for everyone… if you’ve actually got any cash left.

If you come across any sales we haven’t listed, let us know in the comments box below.

NEXT: At least 50% off. Starts 7am Boxing Day. Take some kind of home-made weapon. (thanks to parisp)

HOUSE OF FRASER: Sale starts online at midday on Christmas Eve and instore on Boxing Day (thanks to amibees)

KICKERS: Up to 50% off footwear with a code available for further discounts (thanks to amibees)

TESCO DIRECT: Sale online now. Loads of lovely stuff (thanks to jaclec)

ADDITIONS, VERY, LITTLEWOODS & KAYS: Catalogue mayhem – sale starts on Christmas Eve (thanks to ianshona)

LLOYDS PHARMACY: Sale online now, instore from Boxing Day – 50%-75% off many items (thanks to spongemagic)

EARLY LEARNING CENTRE: Up to 50% off toys and that, online now, instore from Christmas Eve (thanks to Belly Noo Nah)

M&M DIRECT: Sadly not the sweets, but there’s a sale on online now (thanks to pooka)

VIRGIN ATLANTIC: Reduced flights for a time when the airports aren’t broken with snow and ice – online now (thanks to tammy26)

GETTHELABEL.COM: Erm, labels? Ah no, it’s clothing and stuff – sale on now (thanks to the porter)

ROCKET DOG: Shoes. Now. (thanks to andywedge)

FAT FACE: ‘Mammoth sale.’ No mammoths. Clothes, shoes etc a small consolation (thanks to andywedge)

As most of the major retailers start their Boxing Day and January sales ahead of Christmas these days, you need to be keen-eyed to catch them when they begin.

So, we’re going to try a bit of crowdsourcing and get you lot to tell us the sales that you’ve spotted, whether they be online or instore. Here are a few that have already cropped up on HotUKDeals…

Evans – big clothes for voluptuous ladies. The 50% off sale has started now online and will begin instore on Boxing Day (thanks to sazza2007)

River Island – smart clothes for trendy guys and gals and that. This one has also started online now and will creep into stores on Boxing Day. (thanks to SmokinMonkey)

Schuh – sale on now, with today as your last chance to order if you stand any hope of getting a pre-Christmas delivery. (thanks to naik9)

Tesco clothing – half price sale on now online, including winter coats. (thanks to meganxx)

Play.com – massive up-to-70%-off sale has started now.

Gamestation – games, UMD and Blu-ray films and more – started on Monday. (thanks to cozzb)

Gap – up to 50% off clothes and stuff right now. Instore only. (thanks to guppymh)

Wallis – more ladies clobber and jewels and trinkets – up to 50% off online now (thanks to sarahmoo)

BHS – sale on now with express shipping available if you order before 6pm on Tuesday. (thanks to aquaclaw)

John Lewis – a heads up for their clearance sale which begins online on Christmas Eve and instore from December 27^th (thanks to sanoob)

BooHoo – yet more women’s clothing items and feminine finery – sale on right now. (thanks to andywedge)

Cheapsmells.com – Cheap erm, smells. On now (thanks to speedski)

Body Shop – more cheap smells. Online sale underway now with the instore version kicking off on Boxing Day (thanks to Speedski)

Focus DIY – sale on now – 70% off bathroom suites and kitchen units plus much more (thanks to amibees)

Republic – smart clobber for men and women – online sale on now (thanks to anarchy_001)

Past Times – instore and online, up to 50% off old-type stuff (thanks to linxadu2)

Any others that you know about that have just started or are about to kick off? Let us know in the comments box below and we’ll update the list accordingly.

The evil credit crunch/recession has proved to be an enormous boon for supermarkets and sales of their cheaper ‘own brand’ products, according to research by retail consultancy Verdict Research. And we’re always on the look out for enormous boons around here.

Apparently, skint shoppers have switched over to the own brand goods “on an unprecedented scale” after years when they were considered to be the madly inferior alternative to giants such as Brer Kellogg, Brer Fray Bentos and Brer Kia-Ora to name but three random brands.

There’s even a UK-based guide to own brand produce, where ‘professional taster’ Martin Isark appears to have tried thousands of examples and lived to tell the tale. Hats off to Martin or indeed anyone with the gall to describe themselves as a professional taster.

But once the recession ends and we’ve all got a bit of cash jangling around in our sky-rockets again, will the change in shopping habits stick? Are you an avowed disciple of the money-saving own brand or are you suspicious of it all, believing the produce to inferior, made by witches and filled with dried worms and essence of herpes?

Let us know and tip us off with the tastiest cheaper alternatives. Honest, we do care. And we’re broke as well.

An interesting offer from Comet this morning, but this time it’s not from the perspective of the customer. Bitterwallet reader Rob is a member of staff at this particular branch of the electrical behemoths – what do they make of it all?

This kind of mistake is commonplace, and we get new tickets printed out every morning, with almost a guarantee of mistakes:

Rob continues:

The people responsible for typing up these tickets get paid more than us regular sales staff, yet it seems their errors are never punished (such as the time recently they sent nearly 200 sales tickets to every store without the previous price on them).

You’d think someone checked these things first eh?!

Of course mistakes will happen, but nearly every day? If you’re paid to do the maths, it’s kind of important to get it right. And how do the labels work – does the price on the label dictate the price on the barcode and in the system, or is that pre-determined before the prices are typed up? If you’re in the know, let us know too.

If you work behind the counter, or even if you don’t, keep the store oddities coming please – send them along with a perfectly spherical sponge of your choice to bitterwallet@gmail.com.

If you’re a pub quiz bore, or you have a friend who is, you’ll become transfixed by Worldometers from this moment on and soon find yourself sat in nothing but your filthy grundies, oblivious to your broken marriage and concerned with nothing but the numbers blurring faster than you can see them:

There’s a pattern in there, somewhere, amongst the number of times a toilet is flushed per month and how many mobile handsets have been sold on the world today – a pattern that could unlock the secrets of time and space. And you will find it. Oh yes. You will find it.

[Worldometers]

Following Bitterwallet’s recent investigations into the real value of sale prices, in particular those at Halfords and Argos, the Independent has also been busy exposing how retailers plan their sales so they can appear to offer big discounts in January.

In this instance, the newspaper perused the sale prices offered by B&Q, which is currently offering many of its products at up to half price. But according to the Independent, B&Q significantly increased the prices of goods in December ahead of its current sale.

The DIY chain held a sale throughout October, then increased the prices on products and installations services by up to 84 per cent, meaning stores could subsequently drop prices again and legitimately advertise big discounts in the post-Christmas sale. As an example, a curved shower bath panel is now on sale at B&Q for £84.49. In late October, the item cost £100.56, but its price was raised to £169 in December.

Bryan Roberts at Planet Retail warned consumers to watch for similar practises in the spring, stating it was common practice to hike the prices of burgers or sparkling wine in February or March, so to be seen to be offering huge discounts in the summer, in time for outdoor entertaining.

In their defence, B&Q’s commercial director told the paper: “Our current half price on all kitchen units offer runs from 24 December 2008 to 5 February 2009. Prior to this promotion, our bathrooms were at their standard price to reflect their true value.”

As before, retailers who do this aren’t breaking consumer law; so long as a product has been sold at the higher price for 28 consecutive days within the last six months, this sort of advertising is perfectly legal, if not a little more than confusing for the customer.