You. Yeah, you reading this. You dirty bastard. You’re so depraved and sordid that you’re probably pulling at your genitals as you read this. You’ve probably got something inserted up your hole as well. I bet you’re getting off on my scorn.

You see, historically, we Brits have been branded as being backward in the affairs of the bedroom. We all do it missionary and cum quieter than the lip-smacks of a sleeping dormouse.

Right?

The real truth is that, under all our austerity, we’re actually a set of mucky buggers as fetish products have shown a sharp spike in sales… according to the completely unbiased view of adult retailer, Temptations Direct. We’re all wearing stockings under our business suits like Tory MPs.

It would seem that this recession has stopped us going out, preferring to stay in and rut like farmyard animals. Getting bored of the usual routine, we’ve turned to buying as much equipment as possible from online nacky sites.

In the last 12 months, sales of fetish equipment have sharply risen. Get this:

Restraints – up 390%
Strap ons – up 370%
Fetish penis rings – up 350%
Clamps – up 340%Masks and hoods – up 290%
Chastity devices and whips/canes also saw a strong growth in demand, with an annual rise in sales of 270% and 180% respectively.

Stephen Hackett of Temptations Direct comments: “Fetish imagery is now firmly ingrained in mainstream pop culture and high street fashion, and it’s regularly seen in movies and TV adverts. Meanwhile, fetish clubs such as Torture Garden remain extremely popular amongst UK club-goers. With financial woes compelling Brits to spend more time at home, it’s hardly surprising that sexually liberated adults are increasingly choosing to experiment with bondage, flogging, role play and dressing up in kink-wear.”

So there you have it. You lot are depraved and sick-minded sex-monsters. Feel free to leave your contact details in the comments and the Bitterwallet team will meet you in a lay-by of your choice. We’ll bring our own gimp-masks and wet-wipes.

With Borders now a distant memory, Waterstones pretty much have the high street to themselves as specialist book retailers. But Christmas sales were shockingly bad with like-for-like sales in the five weeks to January 2 falling by 8.5 per cent and managing director Gerry Johnson heading for the exit door as a result.

The HMV-owned company have announced that they going back to basics and trying to be a ‘local’ book store again. For local people presumably.

That means less emphasis on flogging celebrity tie-ins and showbiz autobiographies, an area where Waterstones regularly fail anyway thanks to the deep discounting of the supermarkets.

It also means more shelf space to titles that are pertinent to the town or city where they are being sold, making more of the expertise of the chain’s staff while strengthening their online and digital offerings, with ebooks here to stay.

But is it too little too late? After all, if you can now browse through books online before buying them online, usually with a significant saving into the bargain, will people bother to traipse down to their local Waterstones for a mooch through the shelves?

So, crimefighters, what do you lot think? Can any of you even read? What number are we thinking of? Six? Nope. Try again.

If you’ve watched any television over the past few days, you can’t help but notice there’s a SALE ON NOW. That’s not a surprise, obviously, with many stores dangling an extra carrot in front of consumers; the VAT increase arrives on 1st January, meaning an extra 2.5 per cent will be piled on top of most price tags in just four day’s time, so bag your bargains now, now, NOW!

If you’d like to play a fun consumer-related game with us, then have a crack at the following:

• Choose a shop that is currently predicting some sort of financial Armageddon if you don’t buy from them before the VAT increase on 1st January – your television is currently stuffed with commercials for them. We’ve chosen Currys who are desperate for you to enjoy the bargains while they last.

• Make a note of some product prices -we’ve taken a screengrab of the Beat the VAT promotional page on the Currys site because the suggestion is all these prices – whether they’re sale prices or not – will increase

• Come 2010, compare the prices in January to those offered now

We’re curious to see what stores do, because sticking the additional VAT on prices will cause all manner of ugly numbers – an iPod Touch at Currys costing £149 will become £152.73 £152.25, and so on. So will stores:

• round up their prices up to something which won’t necessitate lots of change in the till and mean the prices look less ambiguous – i.e. £153 in the case of the iPod Touch – but which means charging more than the VAT increase dictates?

• round their prices down for the same reasons as above, but absorb part of the increase themselves?

• make a merry old song and dance about not increasing their prices at all and take the hit, and hence another reason to grab a bargain while you can!

The sales will no doubt continue into January, so let’s see if any dastardly outlets take the opportunity to introduce price rises above 2.5 per cent in the hope nobody spots them. Let us know in the comments or by emailing bitterwallet@gmail.com.

Here’s today’s round-up of the fresh sales both online and out there on Planet High Street.

Add any others that you’ve seen in the comments at the bottom and check out the listings from Wednesday and Tuesday for more links to bargains…

ARGOS: Never heard of them but their sale starts online on Christmas Day and in stores on Boxing Day. (thanks to bamyrich)

TOP MAN: Half price men’s clobber – online now. (thanks to Alex_Boosh_Hair)

THE BOOK PEOPLE: Loads of reading material, from only £1.00. (thanks to Rhys135)

IKEA: Sale now on instore apparently even though it’s officially scheduled to begin on Boxing Day. (thanks to umar_imtiaz)

USC: Those of you who believe it stands for Unbelievably Shite Clothes will be proved wrong when you check out their online sale. Or proved right. Depends. (thanks to aunny170)

DISNEY STORE: Online sale now well underway. May contain mild peril. (thanks to twoangels)

LOVEHONEY: It’s possibly illegal to list this under the Disney Store, but it’s adult sex toys and stuff. Sauce. (thanks to k2nwo)

HORNBY: It’s probably appropriate to list Hornby under Lovehoney but it’s train sets and not more Yankee Doodle hardware. Online sale on now. (thanks to zacota!)

DEBENHAMS: All sorts of tat, reduced online now and instore from Boxing Day. (thanks to magpieno1)

MARKS AND SPENCER: Sale on online now and instore from Boxing Day. (thanks to bigfra)

MATALAN: Up to 50% off stuff and that, instore NOW! (thanks to djdave01)

GIO-GOI: Crazy clothes for crazy guys and crazy gals – online sale on now. (thanks to edi)

TED BAKER: More threads at up to 70% off from the star of Cheers. No, wait, that was Ted Danson. Online now. (thanks to ish_badboy4life)

GAME: Games. Online. Now. (thanks to Bingohomer)

GAMEPLAY: More. Games. Online. Now. Big list of titles at HUKD. (thanks to NOSAJ19)

HILTON HOTELS: January 2010 sale is on now. Someone needs to have a word with them about false advertising. (thanks to dealauthority)

SAINSBURYS: Sale of home items on NOW! (thanks to amber34688)

B&Q: Half price sale on instore and online now. Plus there’s an extra 15% off when you spend £50 or more until 29^th December. (thanks to sanoob)

GAMESTATION: 50% off sale online now. Games. (thanks to SRPhoto)

MAPLIN: Sale starts online on Christmas Day and any customer placing an order over £39 will receive a 52-piece household tool and socket set worth £14.99 free. (thanks to andywedge)

FIGLEAVES: Up to 50% off now. Women’s underduds and that. (thanks to nickt100)

RED HOUSE BOOKS: Reading material for the kiddiewinkies from only £1.00. (thanks to Rhys135)

RICHER SOUNDS: TV and hi-fi stuff, sale starts 10am on Boxing Day. (thanks to losthour)

THE MENSWEAR SITE: Up to 80% off… menswear! (thanks to Paul)

BUYAGIFT: Makeovers, hampers, gifts and experiences with 25% off. (thanks to Graham)

For all you pre-Christmas bargain hunters, here’s another round-up of sales that have either kicked off over the last day or two or are starting soon, courtesy of HotUKDeals.

We came up with a similar list yesterday that you can find here – surely there’s something for everyone… if you’ve actually got any cash left.

If you come across any sales we haven’t listed, let us know in the comments box below.

NEXT: At least 50% off. Starts 7am Boxing Day. Take some kind of home-made weapon. (thanks to parisp)

HOUSE OF FRASER: Sale starts online at midday on Christmas Eve and instore on Boxing Day (thanks to amibees)

KICKERS: Up to 50% off footwear with a code available for further discounts (thanks to amibees)

TESCO DIRECT: Sale online now. Loads of lovely stuff (thanks to jaclec)

ADDITIONS, VERY, LITTLEWOODS & KAYS: Catalogue mayhem – sale starts on Christmas Eve (thanks to ianshona)

LLOYDS PHARMACY: Sale online now, instore from Boxing Day – 50%-75% off many items (thanks to spongemagic)

EARLY LEARNING CENTRE: Up to 50% off toys and that, online now, instore from Christmas Eve (thanks to Belly Noo Nah)

M&M DIRECT: Sadly not the sweets, but there’s a sale on online now (thanks to pooka)

VIRGIN ATLANTIC: Reduced flights for a time when the airports aren’t broken with snow and ice – online now (thanks to tammy26)

GETTHELABEL.COM: Erm, labels? Ah no, it’s clothing and stuff – sale on now (thanks to the porter)

ROCKET DOG: Shoes. Now. (thanks to andywedge)

FAT FACE: ‘Mammoth sale.’ No mammoths. Clothes, shoes etc a small consolation (thanks to andywedge)

As most of the major retailers start their Boxing Day and January sales ahead of Christmas these days, you need to be keen-eyed to catch them when they begin.

So, we’re going to try a bit of crowdsourcing and get you lot to tell us the sales that you’ve spotted, whether they be online or instore. Here are a few that have already cropped up on HotUKDeals…

Evans – big clothes for voluptuous ladies. The 50% off sale has started now online and will begin instore on Boxing Day (thanks to sazza2007)

River Island – smart clothes for trendy guys and gals and that. This one has also started online now and will creep into stores on Boxing Day. (thanks to SmokinMonkey)

Schuh – sale on now, with today as your last chance to order if you stand any hope of getting a pre-Christmas delivery. (thanks to naik9)

Tesco clothing – half price sale on now online, including winter coats. (thanks to meganxx)

Play.com – massive up-to-70%-off sale has started now.

Gamestation – games, UMD and Blu-ray films and more – started on Monday. (thanks to cozzb)

Gap – up to 50% off clothes and stuff right now. Instore only. (thanks to guppymh)

Wallis – more ladies clobber and jewels and trinkets – up to 50% off online now (thanks to sarahmoo)

BHS – sale on now with express shipping available if you order before 6pm on Tuesday. (thanks to aquaclaw)

John Lewis – a heads up for their clearance sale which begins online on Christmas Eve and instore from December 27^th (thanks to sanoob)

BooHoo – yet more women’s clothing items and feminine finery – sale on right now. (thanks to andywedge)

Cheapsmells.com – Cheap erm, smells. On now (thanks to speedski)

Body Shop – more cheap smells. Online sale underway now with the instore version kicking off on Boxing Day (thanks to Speedski)

Focus DIY – sale on now – 70% off bathroom suites and kitchen units plus much more (thanks to amibees)

Republic – smart clobber for men and women – online sale on now (thanks to anarchy_001)

Past Times – instore and online, up to 50% off old-type stuff (thanks to linxadu2)

Any others that you know about that have just started or are about to kick off? Let us know in the comments box below and we’ll update the list accordingly.

The evil credit crunch/recession has proved to be an enormous boon for supermarkets and sales of their cheaper ‘own brand’ products, according to research by retail consultancy Verdict Research. And we’re always on the look out for enormous boons around here.

Apparently, skint shoppers have switched over to the own brand goods “on an unprecedented scale” after years when they were considered to be the madly inferior alternative to giants such as Brer Kellogg, Brer Fray Bentos and Brer Kia-Ora to name but three random brands.

There’s even a UK-based guide to own brand produce, where ‘professional taster’ Martin Isark appears to have tried thousands of examples and lived to tell the tale. Hats off to Martin or indeed anyone with the gall to describe themselves as a professional taster.

But once the recession ends and we’ve all got a bit of cash jangling around in our sky-rockets again, will the change in shopping habits stick? Are you an avowed disciple of the money-saving own brand or are you suspicious of it all, believing the produce to inferior, made by witches and filled with dried worms and essence of herpes?

Let us know and tip us off with the tastiest cheaper alternatives. Honest, we do care. And we’re broke as well.

An interesting offer from Comet this morning, but this time it’s not from the perspective of the customer. Bitterwallet reader Rob is a member of staff at this particular branch of the electrical behemoths – what do they make of it all?

This kind of mistake is commonplace, and we get new tickets printed out every morning, with almost a guarantee of mistakes:

Rob continues:

The people responsible for typing up these tickets get paid more than us regular sales staff, yet it seems their errors are never punished (such as the time recently they sent nearly 200 sales tickets to every store without the previous price on them).

You’d think someone checked these things first eh?!

Of course mistakes will happen, but nearly every day? If you’re paid to do the maths, it’s kind of important to get it right. And how do the labels work – does the price on the label dictate the price on the barcode and in the system, or is that pre-determined before the prices are typed up? If you’re in the know, let us know too.

If you work behind the counter, or even if you don’t, keep the store oddities coming please – send them along with a perfectly spherical sponge of your choice to bitterwallet@gmail.com.

If you’re a pub quiz bore, or you have a friend who is, you’ll become transfixed by Worldometers from this moment on and soon find yourself sat in nothing but your filthy grundies, oblivious to your broken marriage and concerned with nothing but the numbers blurring faster than you can see them:

There’s a pattern in there, somewhere, amongst the number of times a toilet is flushed per month and how many mobile handsets have been sold on the world today – a pattern that could unlock the secrets of time and space. And you will find it. Oh yes. You will find it.

[Worldometers]

Following Bitterwallet’s recent investigations into the real value of sale prices, in particular those at Halfords and Argos, the Independent has also been busy exposing how retailers plan their sales so they can appear to offer big discounts in January.

In this instance, the newspaper perused the sale prices offered by B&Q, which is currently offering many of its products at up to half price. But according to the Independent, B&Q significantly increased the prices of goods in December ahead of its current sale.

The DIY chain held a sale throughout October, then increased the prices on products and installations services by up to 84 per cent, meaning stores could subsequently drop prices again and legitimately advertise big discounts in the post-Christmas sale. As an example, a curved shower bath panel is now on sale at B&Q for £84.49. In late October, the item cost £100.56, but its price was raised to £169 in December.

Bryan Roberts at Planet Retail warned consumers to watch for similar practises in the spring, stating it was common practice to hike the prices of burgers or sparkling wine in February or March, so to be seen to be offering huge discounts in the summer, in time for outdoor entertaining.

In their defence, B&Q’s commercial director told the paper: “Our current half price on all kitchen units offer runs from 24 December 2008 to 5 February 2009. Prior to this promotion, our bathrooms were at their standard price to reflect their true value.”

As before, retailers who do this aren’t breaking consumer law; so long as a product has been sold at the higher price for 28 consecutive days within the last six months, this sort of advertising is perfectly legal, if not a little more than confusing for the customer.

As we approach the halfway point of the year’s longest month, financially speaking at least, it’s time to reflect on where all your money has gone. Christmas 2008 saw plenty of high profile sales that grabbed the media’s attention – but did talk of failing high street brands create expectations that went unfulfilled?

With the death knell sounding for the likes of Woolworths and Zavvi, did you expect more bargains than you found before Christmas? Did you drown in discounts on Boxing Day, and did you spend up on the plastic on January 2nd?

Which stores and companies offered the best deals in the Winter sales? Where did you genuinely get a bargain from? Which shops were all talk and no trousers, where the only savings to be found were on the vinyl signs outside? And are there any January sales still worth getting stuck into?

Let us know your favourite sales of the seasons, and the ones that let you down.

We told you last week how a high street sale doesn’t necessarily guarantee a saving – the law allows a certain degree of flexibility on how price comparisons are advertised. Argos is a prime example; we highlighted items that were part of their clearance sale that were in fact cheaper before the sale started.

How many items in the current clearance have previously been available for less than the current sale price? HUKD member antj87 trawled through the Home Entertainment section of the Argos website, and found nine of the 52 items were previously available for less, and a closer look reveals that one in three of the clearance televisions were sold for less before the sale:

• Wharfedale LCD42F1080P 42in 1080p HD Ready Digital LCD TV

• Sony 23IN KDL23B4050 HD Digital LCD TV

• Bush IDLCD37TV16HD 37in HD Ready Digital LCD TV 529/3207

• Sharp 26IN HD Ready Digital LCD TV

• Dual 19in D19DLCD1905 HD Ready Digital LCD DVD Combi

We know there’s little point crying over spilt milk, and unless you’re knocking up a quantum leap accelerator in the garage, there’s little chance of travelling back in time and snapping up the cheaper bargain. Just remember that a sales doesn’t guarantee cheaper products and more importantly, if a product was recently on sale for the lower price, another retailer might still be selling it for that price, so always shop around.

Sales are great, because not only can you save bags of money, they validate spending what little you had in the first place. Kids going hungry? Never mind, you’ve bought a new bathroom suite! Red letters worrying the doormat? Don’t worry, there’s a plasma television mounted on the living room wall!

Not all sales are born equal, however, and not all sales are as breathtaking as they may first appear. Bitterwallet reader Ducky contacted us to enquire about the Halfords sale, with particular regards to two products on offer in “the “better than half price sale”, or the “sale with better than half price deals”, depending how you read their rather confusing graphics.

The two items in question are the Navigon 1200 and Navigon 2200 sat nav units:

Quite a deal, you’ll agree; those prices would mean savings of £80 and £110 respectively. Except both units were on sale in Halfords during December for just £10 more than their current sale price; the Navigon 1200 cost just £69.99 and the Navigon 2200 was £99.99 immediately before the sale began, as stated in reviews by PC Advisor and Pocket Lint and subsequently confirmed to us by Halfords themselves.

So what’s going on? Halford’s are comparing the current sale prices to the product prices in October and November. Since both products were sold at the higher prices for 28 consecutive days within the last six months, there’s no breaking of consumer law according to Consumer Direct. That doesn’t stop the price comparison being unclear to customers – you might be led to think the substantial savings are a direct result of the sale, which is untrue since the sale reduced the immediate price of each product by just £10, not £80 or £110.

So it looks like a massive saving, so long as you don’t take into account the prices immediately before the sale began. Oh, and you if don’t know about the manufacturer’s RRP for the products when launched in August:

To summarise, then; Halfords charged up to a third more than the manufacturer’s RRP on these two items, then reduced them significantly to cash in on the pre-Christmas market, and have now reduced both items by just £10 in the sale. Despite this minimal reduction the items are being advertised as “better than half price” deals by comparing them to the original prices that were up to a third higher than the manufacturer’s RRP. Phew.

Consumer Direct advised us this was within their guidelines and when we contacted Halfords they stated that the small print of insert ads notes this is compared to the “was price”.

Them’s the facts, kids. What say you?

Ah, the Boxing Day sales. Time once again to hold your head in your hands, despairing at the cash you could have saved if you hadn’t been sucked into the whorish vortex of Christmas past.

Debenhams opened at 7am this morning with all guns blazing; there’s up to 70% off all clothing lines, although a quick flick through the website reveals half price reductions to be the norm. If you want to avoid the crush, there’s free delivery on all online orders over £100.

Tesco began their sale just before Christmas; you can expect up to 50% off everything except groceries. Some of the better deals include a Sony 32″ HD Ready LCD TV with built-in Freeview, down from £500 to £349.97, plus another £7.46 off in VAT reductions (and 3% off with Quidco if you’re so inclined). The (up to) 70% sale is ongoing online at Littlewoods, while in the real world there are up to half price sales at Homebase, M&S, John Lewis and plenty more besides.

And despite everyone in the country claiming to be poor, we’re still behaving like a famine is on the way, clearing the shelves and clearly spending even more money we don’t have. According to the BBC, customers outside Selfridges in London began queuing at 2am. That’s in the morning. A spokesperson said:

“It was mental when they came into the store. I’ve never seen anything like it. People were running into the store and grabbing bags. Some women had four or five bags in their hands. Security had to get more people down to the store to help.”

Mental indeed. The Beeb reckons these sales will mean life or death for some retail chains, as this is the time of year when many retailers must pay their next three months’ rent. Research by PricewaterhouseCoopers has suggested that 82% of High Street retailers offered either sales or promotions in the run up to Christmas. Plenty of us are being swept along in the hysteria to save money; will it be enough to prevent our high streets going bust and being boarded up?

Following on from yesterday’s deviation from the DOTD norm, here’s another heads-up about the pre/post sales that are kicking off all over the place.

There’s added info about some of the stuff that’s on offer. All details not strictly accurate. Info all courtesy of the HotUKDeals peeps.

Superdrug’s sale is online NOW with gear available for as little as 10p. Items available include smack, crack, uppers, downers, bennies, ludes, mind oysters, Diane Abbotts, Oxy-10 and Fishermen’s Friends.
(deal found by Charlie23)

Fashion retailer Firetrap have also gone into online sale mode – up to 50% off jackets, T-shirts, footwear, little dancing devils for your car dashboard, HRT therapy and bandages.
(deal found by timbotones24794)

Rejoice, for Matalan’s half-price sale is underway. Among the bargains are Christmas decorations, cards, clothes, Um Bongo, half bricks, semi quavers and quarter pounders.
(deal found by justlikeeeyore)

Finally, Marks & Spencer’s sale starts online tomorrow. Drag yourself away from opening presents and scoffing turkey and get online to snaffle up cheap iPods, TVs, radios, DIY skin graft kits, a hedge that looks like a woman’s area and the banned Pokemon doll, Lieutenant Nabisco. (deal found by stevenick)