A mum, yesterday

Right, where was I? Oh yes. So a couple of weeks have passed since your media-friendly nonsense about a man eating a winning scratchcard, and you need another excuse, any excuse, to whore your wares. What about an entirely convoluted survey that proves nothing whatsoever? Yes!

Ryanair, the world’s favourite most frequented airline, is gunning for the mums. It’s nearly Mother’s Day again (this Sunday, fact fans) so the budget airline has produced some vital statistics that demand you buy your mum a Ryanair flight or she’ll hate you forever. Fact. See, according to the budget airline who surveyed 1,000 mothers, “90 per cent of mums see Mother’s Day flowers as a waste of money and would prefer a (naughty) weekend away from the kids.”

Difficult to know where to start with this one. Let’s begin with the fact that Ryanair can’t read the results of their own survey, the results of which state:

Ryanair’s survey asked ‘What would you like to get this Mother’s Day?’:

• 55% a voucher for a (naughty) weekend away from the kids
• 20% Mother’s Day meal in a restaurant
• 15% Chocolates
• 10% Flowers

The statement “90 per cent of mums… would prefer a (naughty) weekend away from the kids” is an outright lie, so the number is only 55 per cent – the ‘news’ article’s byline gets the facts right, but lazy churnalists will cut and paste from the ambigious body copy, not the headline.

There’s then the fact that nobody was actually asked to choose which item they thought was a waste of money – they were asked to choose which gift they’d prefer to receive. So 90 per cent of mothers don’t necessarily think flowers are a waste of money. You can’t even state they wouldn’t want flowers on Mother’s Day, because that wasn’t the question asked.

Finally, given the choice between a weekend away and a bunch of flowers, of course people are going to choose the former. The most shocking revelation is that 45 per cent of mothers didn’t choose the free holiday. Predetermining the available choices is obviously going to define the response – if the list of possibilities had included free mortgage payments for a year, nobody would be choosing a couple of nights of yankee doodle in Lanzarote.

Yeah, it’s not that big a deal, it’s only another bit of fluff on nonsense from Ryanair – but it’s always worth pointing out what a lot of horseshit is blurted out in the name of you, the consumer.

In the past Ryanair has slagged off the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) and called them “Monty Pythonesque” and “Absolutely Stupid Asses”. However, they’ve gone running to the ASA like wailing babies after EasyJet took the piss out of them in an ad campaign.

Ryanair have long moaned about the ASA after the regulatory board repeatedly smacked their legs over continued abuse of advertising rules.

Now they’re asking the ASA to tell EasyJet off after a poster campaign saw the light of day which claimed that Ryanair did not fly to airports customers believed they had booked.

The strapline on the ad ran: “Who loves flying you to the place you actually booked?”.

One the spots pointed out that Ryanair flights to Paris actually landed in Beauvais and a trip to Barcelona would see you touching down at Girona airport. Ryanair complained that the ad was misleading. The ASA agreed (although, I bet they would have loved to have stuck their fingers in their ears and pretended that they couldn’t hear Ryanair’s weeping).

“We considered the challenging tone of the headline “Who loves flying you to the place you actually booked?” combined with the implication that Ryanair misled customers and flew them to airports different to the ones to which they had booked was denigratory,” the ASA said.

[Guardian]

Bullshit PR alert ahoy, skipper, AROOGA AROOGA. But the BBC is reporting it, it must be true! A man eating a winning scratchcard worth 10,000 Euros smacks of stretching credibility like a freak show schlong, but when you learn the scratchcard was won on board a Ryanair flight? Meh.

The story goes that the passenger won the scratchcard while flying from Krakow to the East Midlands on Thursday. Upon learning he couldn’t claim his prize money immediately, the passenger stood up and in a fit of rage he scoffed the ticket. Ryanair is now donating the prize money to charity, and allowing the public to vote which organisation receives it.

If only the story hadn’t broken on a gambling website with a string of blah cut and paste straight from a press release:

“Yesterday’s events prove that while Ryanair’s scratchcards offer large cash prizes they clearly taste great too!”

“Crew tried to stop the air Gourmet Scratch Card eater by offering him one of our great tasting sandwiches, pizzas or snacks instead, but clearly he had much more expensive tastes!”

Fuck entirely off. We’re not even mad at Ryanair – this is what they do – but seeing the BBC (and others) report it as a story? Maybe the corporation should get back to checking their facts on last weekend’s PM bullying exclusive before they’re allowed near the news agenda again.

Rebranding must be all the rage amongst airlines at the moment, because we’ve seen plenty of new-look planes recently. And today, official Bitterwallet reader Bill brought our attention to the new Ryanair logo. You might have seen it before, but we hadn’t and that’s good enough for us. Ryanair are, as we call them in the office, the gift that keeps giving:

First Stelios, then Usain Bolt...

You might not like his airline or his business tactics but there comes a time when you have to just stand back and admire the balls on Ryanair’s Sky Marshall Michael O’Leary.

Faced with a legal threat from Easyjet’s Sir Stelios over a Ryanair ad, O’Leary has said that he’ll pull the ads if Stelios will take him on in a ‘Chariots Of Fire’-style race around Trafalgar Square. No, really.

Sir Stelios claims that Ryanair have made “baseless and grossly defamatory” statements about him in the ads, which focussed on Easyjet’s reluctance to publish their punctuality figures and featured a photo of Sir Stelios with an elongated Pinocchio nose. Classy stuff Sky Marshall.

The Easyjet boss wants an apology and damages for what his lawyers say are causing: “ongoing and escalating damage to our client’s reputation.” But all the Sky Marshall wants to do is pull on a pair of trainers and settle the feud like a pair of seven-year-olds.

O’Leary adds that if Sir Stelios doesn’t fancy a race to settle things, he’ll be happy to sort it with a Sumo fight, saying: “As long as he provides the nappies, bring it on.”

Three years ago, Sky Marshall O’Leary caused all manner of excitement amongst both the aviation industry and consumers – Ryanair would begin operating long-haul routes to the US for less than a tenner (not including taxes, credit card payments, baggage or online check-in fees) within three to four years. A new brand would be created to operate between Europe and six US cities, and as with its European services, passengers would pay for food and drinks consumed on-board, as well as in-flight entertainment.

For now, alas, the low-cost transatlantic dream is over. The Irish Examiner reports that O’Leary has put the plans on hold for several more years, because of a backlog in orders for long-haul aircraft. As you can imagine, the news has stunned the Bitterwallet team – for months we clung to the hope of coital relations that didn’t cost us money:

Some will remain unmoved, others won’t care, but by and large most folk won’t be too shocked – Ryanair is one of the most unethical companies in the world. While not quite at the foot of the 581 global brands and companies subjected to this latest survey, its appearance at number 575 means the budget airline is propping up the bulk of the chart.

The index by a Geneva-based company measures data in nearly fifty areas – including environmental performance, information provided to consumers, waste management and human rights policy – and claims the list is a “a barometer of how multinationals are perceived in the ethical field”.

Other well known names in the list include Tesco (97), Barclays (46), Dell (9), Marks & Spencer (4) and HSBC (3) – with the index topped by the thoroughly mundane-sounding International Business Machines Corp Technology. Keeping Ryanair company in the bottom ten are global pariahs such as oil industry companies Halliburton and Chevron.

Not that operating a morally bankrupt airline is a bad thing – Ryanair this morning reported far smaller losses than anticipated at the end of last year, achieved for the most part by fuel prices dropping by over a third. The Sky Marshall now expects to report around £240 million in net profit for the year to March 31st. That’s a lot of tubs of Pringles sold at a quid fifty.

[Irish Times]

Bloody hell, there has been an upset to turn the cosmos on its head; white is the new black, up is now down and Air French are the new spindly-mustache-stroking villains of the skies. Air French! Not the Sky Captain! Merde Sainte!

Yes, Air France-KLM has waded into the controversial territory Ryanair didn’t quite have the stomach for – namely charging overweight people more for their seats. Or rather, two seats; fatties will will have to pay 75 per cent of the cost of a second seat on top of the full price for the first. If flights are not fully booked, however, then XL passengers will get a refund on the second seat.

The decision, which Air France states has been made for safety reasons, will ensure the two seats are available side-by-side so a safety belt can be secured to the second seat for passengers suffering grande rotundness. We’d question whether the arm rests will sit flush with the seats when fully raised and whether all seat belts will reach over two seats and a waist of above-average girth. There’s also the small matter of how Air France will make this work in practise – will waist size become a required field in the online booking process?

The new measures will apply to passengers who book their tickets from 1st February for all flights from 1st April this year. 1st April? No, not it’s not. There will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the Sky Marshall’s household this morning. At least he won’t look like Captain Bastard if he introduces a similar policy now, but he’s missed his opportunity to outrage the world. Bah!

[20minutes]

When the Office of Fair Trading (OFT) got all loose-lipped and accused Ryanair’s chief executive of “puerile” and “almost childish” behaviour, it was only a matter of time before the Sky Marshall replied. He’s now sent his two page response to the OFT via the Independent, who originally conducted the interview with chief executive John Fingleton. Sky Marshall O’Leary accuses Johnny “the fingers” Fingleton of making “inappropriate and inaccurate comments” and “continuing and inappropriate bias” against Ryanair:

“The role of the OFT is not to subjectively comment on the pricing policies of airlines, but to identify and confirm whether those policies comply with legislation. Ryanair’s pricing policies are fully compliant with current legislation.”

That sounds like O’Leary admitting that yes, Ryanair is taking the piss concerning credit card fees, but only because they’re allowed to – if the Office of Fair Trading sorted themselves out and closed the loophole then they wouldn’t exploit it, now would they? The Sky Marshall then went on to blast Ryanair’s competitors with both barrels, accusing the OFT of failing to take action concerning “three important consumer protection areas”, namely:

• British Airways’ “unfair and unjustified fuel levies”
• websites selling Ryanair tickets “at hidden and inflated prices”
• easyJet “continuing to offer travel insurance on an opt-out basis”

That’s right! Sky Marshall O’Leary and Ryanair – the consumer champions! He’s fighting for our rights and- hang on, he’s still charging a fiver per person per flight for debit and credit card transactions. Sneaky. You almost had us for a moment, Sky Marshall.

[The Independent]

From the crack team of statisticians who brought you Bitterwallet’s ‘Worst Company In Britain 2009′ saga comes its lighter, brighter cousin – the ‘Best Company In Britain 2009′ award.

Over the next couple of days we’ll reveal the top eight companies according to your nominations. Your votes will then shape the line-up of the grand final, the result of which, if the nominations are anything to go by, will be as overwhelming as Heather Mills McCartney in a Best Monoped Ex-Wife Of A Living Beatle vote. Still, eh?

You have until midnight tonight to comply with this survey and the top two will go through to the final. Good luck…

Just saying.

[BuzzFeed]

Happy New Year, reader! It’s true, 2010 is already massively disappointing in its lack of anti-gravity boots and jetpack-assisted travel, but never fear – here’s another method for taking to the skies and saving a few quid in the process.

Avid Bitterwallet reader Emma has been in touch with tales of using Ryanair gift vouchers to avoid credit card fees – the hot topic of conversation of the Office of Fair Trading right now.

Emma says:

My friend Tom told me about his recent booking of a Ryanair flight. He saved himself a few quid by using Ryanair gift vouchers, instead of paying with his credit card at the checkout.As far as I can see, the credit card charge for booking a return flight is £10 per person, unless you are using a pre-paid Mastercard, which very few people have. However, if you buy some Ryanair gift vouchers first, then use these gift vouchers to pay for your trip, you won’t have to pay the credit card fee.

There are a few things to consider: there is a £5 admin fee to buy the vouchers, plus any unused amount in the voucher is considered void. The vouchers come in denominations of £25, so you need to work out if it will be a benefit to you or not.

For example, Tom’s flight for 2 people was totalling about £96. It would have been £116 with the credit card fees. Instead, he paid £105 for £100 worth of gift vouchers, used them on the flight, and therefore saved £11 for a few minutes work. He lost £4 in the value of the gift voucher, but still made a saving. It also depends on the cost of your flights to start with – but you should be able to work out the best option.

Two further points to add – the vouchers are worthless after six months so only buy them when you’re ready to book your flights. Also, the vouchers are dispatched by email; if, for whatever reason (and there are plenty) you don’t receive the voucher, you have to phone a premium rate number for assistance.

It’s hardly worth the effort if you’re travelling alone, but if you’re considering a family holiday for larger groups or even a city break for two of you, then spending a few quid on gift vouchers to avoid multiple credit card fees may be the way to go.

Relax girls, he's married!

Happy New Year crimefighters! Let’s start 2010 with a clean slate and a fresh outlook… and kick off with an attack on Ryanair!

The attack comes from the chief executive of the Office of Fair Trading who has pulled the gloves off his tongue and given Sky Marshall O’Leary six-nowt around the chops for the airline’s credit and debit card booking charges.

Ryanair recently closed the gate on customers using Electron cards without incurring a charge while booking their flights, switching the free option to MasterCard pre-pay, which barely anyone uses or has even heard of. Gah!

Now John Fingleton of the OFT has called Ryanair’s tactics ‘puerile’ and ‘childish’ in a brilliant no-holds-barred attack during an interview with The Independent.

Fingelton said: “Ryanair has this funny game where they have found some very low frequency payment mechanism and say: ‘You can pay with that.’ It’s almost like taunting consumers and pointing out: “Oh well, we know this is completely outside the spirit of the law, but we think it’s within the narrow letter of the law”. On some level it’s quite puerile, it’s almost childish.’

The OFT head honcho added that the practice by Ryanair and others of automatically adding insurance to flights for customers to opt out of was a legal ‘grey area’.

You’d expect a response from the shameless airline and Ryanair’s head of communications duly roll-up roll-upped: “Ryanair is not for the overpaid John Fingletons on this world but for the everyday Joe Bloggs who opt for Ryanair’s guaranteed lowest fares because we give them the opportunity to fly across 26 European countries for free, £5 and £10.”

Problem is, they almost need a degree in computer science in order to pull it off.

Hats off to Ryanair for not only jumping on a British Airways initiative, but making it sound like a genuine benefit to passengers. The budget airline is to display third party advertising on its boarding cards from early 2010 – a move British Airways announced in August.

Now there’s nothing necessarily wrong with whoring white space on boarding passes for money. It creates another revenue stream and doesn’t cause passengers any ills – we’re already exposed to hundreds of advertising messages a day so another makes no odds. Ryanair has seen an idea, liked it and copied it and there’s no reason why they shouldn’t. But don’t pretend we’ll enjoy it – that’s just taking the piss:

This will allow advertisers to reach the 66 million Ryanair passengers that will print their boarding cards from the comfort of their own home next year.

That’s right – not only has Ryanair handed over the cost of producing boarding cards to the customer, but they’ve also passed on their advertiser’s production costs too – and it’s all for you to enjoy “in the comfort of your own home”. It’s surprising that Ryanair didn’t announce an additional tax for any lack of dissatisfaction achieved during the printing process. Cheers, Sky Marshall!