Posts Tagged ‘royal wedding’
It’s with exquisite delight that we must announce an end to our search for pointless, flimsy Royal Wedding frippery. This is absolutely the last time* we’ll regale you with tales of pork pie cakes, fridges and condoms embossed with the features of the Royal couple.
Why? It seems one individual has taken it upon themselves to chronicle every half-arsed marketing campaign and opportunistic tit that has jumped on a bandwagon already near collapse through the sheer weight of shit ideas.
Ladies and gentlemen – introducing Royal Wedding Tat, with nearly 400 examples of why entrepreneurism in this country needs a stiff drink and a punch in the balls next Friday.
* probably not the last time
You might not actually meet another human who is thrilled at the prospect of a Royal Wedding, but that isn’t stopping every single stinking company in Britain jumping on the bandwagon to produce a variety of spectacular tat.
The latest PR peddlers are Premier Inns, who, when they’re not making giant beds for Lenny Henry because he makes their standard ones look so tiny, are creating chilling ‘royal wedding bedding’ which allows idiots to climb in bed and look like Kate Middleton and Prince William’s cadavers are lying lifeless over yours.
Some infuriating dimwit has decided that it would be a good idea to print off life-size images of our lizard men rulers in a bid to give us the most awful night terrors ever.
If you’re one of those twerps who squeals “Ooooh! It’s just a bit of fun isn’t it? And besides, we all love a wedding don’t we?”, you’ll be thrilled to learn that you can request these fucking covers on the night of April 28th. Sadly, we can no longer behead people like you.
Premier Inn will no doubt want you to feel ‘like Royalty’, but once you’ve spent three hours chewing one of their breakfasts, you’ll be acutely aware that they actually expect to treat you like cattle. Brilliant.
We’ve provided you with more than enough opportunity to buy Royal Wedding crapola, but there are some gifts that won’t adorn the mantlepieces and wheelies bins of the British public. Plenty of brands are looking to the occasion to produce unique, unforgettable spectacles that will endear themselves to the Royal couple of the onlooking British public.
And if they’re one-off pieces, the quality is sure to improve, yeah? Nah.
Papa John’s have produced a Royal Wedding pizza for one lucky customer! “Kate’s veil is made from mushrooms and her dress from cheese, while William’s morning suit consists of salami and peppers!” Bravo! Ha ha ha. No, not really. It’s rubbish.
Oh dear christ almighty. Whether piddling peddling sweet maestros Pez produced for a charity auction or not, there was no need whatsoever.
At least LoveHoney have the right idea (click for full size image):
Thanks to avid Bitterwallet reader Simon
It seems we’ve seen the worst of the Royal Wedding tat (although we’d be delighted if you proved us wrong), but there’s always room for genius. That’s why we’re off to the local hat shop – so we can buy said hat and doff it in the general direction on Firebox.com. Excellent work, chaps:
* We’re still not buying it, mind.
Christ almighty. Is this what we’ve got to put up with for the next fortnight? Not only are the shops full of half-arsed merchandise, but advertising agencies are going to ram this sort of cock-ended nonsense in our eyes?
The point of the original T-Mobile ads wasn’t simply a lot of people singing and dancing; it was that they were spontaneous events that took the public by surprise. If this lot had gatecrashed a church of real-life wedding guests, it would have been brilliant. They didn’t, and it isn’t. Get out.
Perhaps you’re a little sore that you haven’t been invited to the wedding, or that your neighbours stubbonly refuse to celebrate this holiest of matrimonies by throwing a table cloth over a pasting table and stumping up for an Iceland prawn ring.
However you’ve been let down in your attempts to cheer on the Royal couple, worry no more. Due to be released on DVD during the week of their marriage, Bitterwallet presents the gift of William and Kate: The Movie. Order it now. Or don’t, probably:
APRIL FOO- No, wait. This has been the scene at Pets At Home for several days – so either their calendar is broken, or they really are expecting you to buy Royal Wedding merchandise for your dog. Perfect for the Corgi owners among you. Or the idiots:
Thanks to avid Bitterwallet reader Oli
Fiona Goble (no, not gobble)’s “lovely and humorous characters are instantly recognizable, from the bride’s broad smile and sparkling engagement ring to the groom’s dashing uniform (complete with tiny sequin orders and medals)”.
Not only is this little beauty now coming in at number 33 in books on Amazon.co.uk (yes, that’s ALL books), but you can also get your hands on a William and Kate dress up dolly book too. Hours of fun to be had for a natz over a tenner.
Last week we dazzled you with news of a royal wedding fridge/freezer as voted for by the ‘fans’ of GE kitchen products. But what should the hardcore royalist actually keep stored in the damned thing?
Probably some of these – the ‘Kate & Wills Pie’ as launched today by Sainsbury’s. No, really. Containing British beef, wine, bacon, pearl onions, mushrooms and a dash of brandy, it’ll be the perfect face-filler as you sit down to ogle at the extravagant display of majesty and inbred stupidity on April 29th. And all for only £3.25.
There’s still more than a month until the inevitable damp squib (and bonus day off) that will be the royal wedding itself and we reckon the most idiotic ‘commemorative product’ is probably still yet to appear.
They’ll probably end up flogging a recording of the wedding vows on iTunes or something ridiculous like that. Oh, hang on…
Another day brings us another piece of royal wedding-related nonsense – a Wills and Kate fridge-freezer. This customised piece of kitchen shit is made by GE and the door design was voted for by its fans on its Facebook page.
We’re not sure what the greater disgrace is – that someone might have this abomination in their home or that a fucking fridge has ‘fans’ on Facebook…
Not exactly thrilled at a blueblood sticking his dead mother’s ring on the finger of the richest ‘commoner’ in Britain (footballers notwithstanding)?
Sure, we get a day off work which is all well and good… but there’s a palpable sense of everyone being expected to be pleased about this wholly pointless event. That said, the slightly balding royal has managed to pick someone with cracking legs, which is more than can be said about Prince Charles’ marriage to Rod Hull.
Anyway, if the whole thing fills you with a deep, stomach rotting nausea, you might be interested in these Royal wedding sick bags.
They’re actually quite suave for a sick bag. Screen printed and designed by some scamp called Lydia Leith and shipping worldwide, these sarcastic paper bags will cost you £3 a pop and all orders will be guaranteed before 29th April.
Buy ‘em here. Or, if you prefer, just buy a plain white plate and write “shower of cunts” on in black permanent marker. Entirely up to you.
The Royal Wedding is but a matter of weeks away and between now and April 29th, and between then and now, a myriad of William & Kate commemorative products will fill the shelves of our poor shops.
But will any of them be as classy, or for that matter, as useful as this?
Yes, it’s the commemorative Royal Wedding cock-socks – they don’t have the royal seal, so they probably won’t play a major part in the actual royal marriage, but how can you resist something that is described as…
“Combining the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be, Crown Jewels condoms promise a royal union of pleasure. Truly a King amongst Condoms.”
It sounds like they’re promising you the best, mock-posh sex you’ll ever have. How can you resist?