Posts Tagged ‘pubs’
Where have all the pubs gone?
May 8th, 2013 • 15 Comments
The number of local pubs in the UK has fallen to its lowest point in over a century, say the old gits at the Campaign For Real Ale. In fact only 57,000 locals are left, thanks to annoying wine bars, chain pubs and fancy 5 star gastro joints called things like The Lazy Ox and The Fox’s Anal Fissure.
This sad news, which makes you want to immediately hotfoot it to the Pig and Whistle and stare vacantly into a pint of Speckled Badger, comes as traditional pubs are closing at the rate of 26 a week.
Chief executive of CAMRA Mike Benner blamed the government, saying: “We believe that the scrapping of the beer duty escalator and the extra 1p off beer duty announced in this year’s Budget could mark a turning point for pubs.’
But the government also intend to crack down on dodgy dealings from the big chains and introduce a new watchdog scheme which could save local pub landlords £100 million a year.
Let’s hope the humble pub survives. After all, there are only so many times you can see the words ‘pulled pork’ on a rustic blackboard before you want to go mad and attack someone with a pool cue.
Dyson make Airblade water tap
February 5th, 2013 • 10 Comments
Ever looked at your hands in a Dyson Airblade and notice how it spreads your hand-skin all over the place like a pensioner’s ballbag in summer? Now, we’ll be able to see that without peering into a device with Dyson’s latest development.
The company has unveiled the Airblade Tap, which incorporates a hand-drier into a water tap. Of course, this new gizmo will save time and space, not to mention that it will stop you dripping water all over yourself (so no more worrying that you look like you’ve dribbled wazz on yourself, unless of course, the tap spits air and the dregs of the pipes on you).
Naturally, this new device is technically impressive. It will be able to draw in 30 litres of air per second through its HEPA filter, which translates into you drying and washing your hands in 12 seconds. That means more boozing time. Both air and water are operated via infrared sensor and the filter takes 99.9 percent of bacteria out of the air it draws in.
It will, however, set you back £1,000.
[stuff]
BrewDog to venture overseas
January 29th, 2013 • 15 Comments
BrewDog, Scotland’s largest indie brewery, have announced that they’re going to start opening bars abroad (Deathwatch countdown starts now) on the strength of the fact that they are already exporting their beer to 32 countries and has opened 10 bars around the UK.
The company are looking at their strongest markets outside of the UK, which means pubs in Sweden, Brazil and Japan.
The firm’s finance director, Neil Simpson, said: “I think the main growth is customers looking for a bit more choice – they’re looking for a better flavour and they’re fed up with drinking the same products all the time.”
“So while it is perhaps seen as risky to invest abroad, the opportunities for us are there to grow.”
There is a craft beer boom worldwide at the moment, but does this seem like a stretch too far for a company famous for stuffing their beer inside dead animals?
O2 to bring free Wi-fi to 1,600 UK pubs
March 12th, 2012 • 7 Comments
Free Wi-fi, yesterday
Pubs, restaurants and other public places that offer ‘free Wi-fi’ are all well and good, but more often than not we’re forced to endure different infuriating sign-ups and login nonsense for every single place that offers us free online access. In short, it’s often more trouble than it’s worth.
O2 might be about to do something about that, and have signed a deal to provide Wi-fi in 1,600 Mitchell & Butlers pubs and restaurants by the end of 2012, including chains such as Harvester, Toby Carvery, Vintage Inns, Browns, All Bar One and O’Neill’s, claiming that their service will be: “fast, genuinely free to customers, reliable and simple-to-use”.
Another good reason to while away a few hours in the great British faceless pub chain outlet then. How much does free Wi-fi matter to you when it comes to your choice of pub?
Power video games with the strength of your urine!
November 28th, 2011 • 9 Comments
Like quiz machines? Like pissing? Well, you’ll love the fact that hands-free urinal video games have reached the UK. Well, South London, but y’know, it counts.
Basically, you can play video games with the power of your slash.
Thanks to the way existing male/female genitals work, this is a male-toilets-only thing and the fellas who enter the Exhibit bar in Balham will be able to play one of three games.
One is called ‘Clever Dick’ which is a quiz game, and the controls for all three will test the accuracy of your aim as your move your stream to the left and right.
Of course, this is useless for old men with dribbling streams and no good for those of you who like helping your mates out when they’re playing quiz machines. You wouldn’t want to be the bloke stood behind someone with your lad in your hand, waiting to jump in on the Spandau Ballet questions, do you?
Captive Media, who make these games, say that you’ll be able to post scores on an online leader board and basically show yourself off as a person who can urinate for aaaages.
“It’s taken three years of research and development to get to this point,” says Captive Media director Mark Melford. “The reaction to the units so far has been incredible – it’s just so much fun.”
“We already had a huge amount of interest in the units from bars, pubs, exhibition centres and retail outlets across the country and overseas – even though we’ve been trying to keep a lid on it,” says Captive Media cofounder Gordon MacSween. “It’s a tough time for bars and pubs currently. This product offers customers something fun, and unlike anything they’ve seen before. Those are two good reasons to go out for a drink at a time when so many are opting to stay in.”
European court rules that pubs can show live footy using foreign decoders
October 4th, 2011 • 9 Comments
A football star, yesterday.
The Premier League and Sky have been dealt a heavy blow over the airing of coverage of their soccerball games in public places like pubs. Mostly pubs in fact. A pub landlady from Portsmouth has won the latest battle in her war against the broadcaster and the massive money-generating league over using foreign TV decoders on British soil. Helpfully, it’ll almost certainly upset Rupert Murdoch as well.
After being fined for using a Greek decoder to show live Premier League matches in her pub, Karen Murphy was fined £8,000, but took her case to the European Court of Justice. They’ve backed her and said that national legislation that blocks the use of foreign decoders could not “be justified either in light of the objective of protecting intellectual property rights or by the objective of encouraging the public to attend football stadiums”
The ruling will now go back to the High Court, and could well lead to the Premier League and Sky having to rework how they sell their rights. Basically, in management-speak, the ball is up in the air and no one knows what colour or shape it’ll be when it lands again.
It also means that the plethora of pubs that brazenly show live matches at 3pm on a Saturday (which is supposed to be strictly prohibited) will continue to do so until the Premier League get their act together.
One interesting loophole is that the ECJ has stated that while live matches are not protected by copyright, any surrounding media, such as any opening video sequence, the hideous Premier League ‘anthem’, pre-recorded films showing highlights of recent Premier League matches and various graphics, were “works” protected by copyright. To use any of these parts of a broadcast, a pub would need the permission of the Premier League.
Like Shaun Wright-Phillips, this one is going to run and run…
Budvar wins battle with Budweiser while Skol becomes weaker than wine gums
September 23rd, 2011 • 2 Comments
The Czech brewers of Budvar can officially continue to use the Budweiser name in the UK following a ruling in Europe’s highest court. Presumably those ruling on the beers did a taste test and decided that the American piss-vendors could go whistle.
The Court of Justice of the European Union ruled that Budejovicky Budvar was entitled to use the famous Budweiser name because, essentially, UK drinkers aren’t complete idiots and are “well aware of the difference” between the two beers and that Bud makers AB InBev aren’t likely to suffer any adverse effect, business-wise.
“The two brands have co-existed in the UK for decades, differing in taste, price and get-up,” said Mark Blair, who represented Budvar. “The identical nature of the Budweiser marks is an honest, historical co-incidence and causes no significant confusion amongst UK consumers.”
“This is a strong endorsement of Budvar’s right to the name in the UK. It also sends a clear message that you cannot simply cancel a trade mark that has been used for 30 years in good faith.”
The American Bud, which no self respecting human should ever willingly drink, will have to bumble on with its talking frogs and jock strap idiots burping the word BREWSKI while proper beer drinkers enjoy a proper pint.
Away from Bud and onto a different, yet equally pointless tipple, you’ll be thrilled to learn that Carlsberg have had to cut the scarce alcohol content in Skol in a bid to take advantage of changes to the domestic duty regime. It’s gone from a laughable 3% abv to a frankly pathetic 2.8%.
You may as well buy Bass Shandy.
Commercial Break: Beckham’s pimping the wrong liquid
July 27th, 2011 • 3 CommentsIt’s probably almost a decade since he did anything notable on a football pitch, but David Beckham will not be stopped when it comes to establishing himself as a global brand.
Here he is furrowing his brow and running about while looking like a complete cock in an attempt to flog bottles of his new liquid stink ‘Homme’. What a bell-end.
By way of a comparison, here’s another England legend, Bobby Moore, plugging a very different product/service – the pub. That’s more like it.
UK beer sales rise for the first time since 2006 (but it isn’t all good news)
July 30th, 2010 • 6 Comments
Beers sales are on the up! HURRAY! Unless, of course, they’ve gone up for depressing reasons like, say, everyone in Britain is depressed and started looking into habitual alcoholism. One source of simultaneous glee and gloom – the World Cup – is thought to be one of the reasons that UK beer sales have risen.
The BBC report that the equivalent of more than 2.2 billion pints were sold between April and June, which according to the British Beer and Pub Association (BBPA), is an increase of 2.9% on last year which means that quarterly sales were up on 12 months ago for the first time in four years. The nice weather probably didn’t do any harm either.
It isn’t all good news for the booze industry. Growth was seen at shops and supermarkets, but sales in Britain’s pubs fell by 6.3%. “The World Cup has certainly been a benefit to Britain’s beer sector and we can now hope that the market is starting to turn a corner,” said BBPA chief executive Brigid Simmonds.
“However, while there is some reason for cheer, it has to be noted that beer sales in pubs are still falling and the nation’s pubs need support.”
The BBPA once again called on the government to freeze the tax on beer and support pubs “recognising the economic and social contribution of these vital community assets”.
SAVE OUR PUBS!
Man United and Chelsea to kick off Sky 3D
March 19th, 2010 • 7 Comments
3D football eh? I bet that’s mental. I bet Richard Key’s hairy hands look even more ghastly when lurching out of the screen like a b-movie monster.
Anyway, BSkyB are going to launch Europe’s first 3D TV channel, Sky 3D, with the Barclays Premier League match between ManUrinals and Chelski on Saturday 3rd April.
It’s not just a one-off though as Sky have announced that they plan to show at least a further five Premier League games (which have yet to be announced… Hull fans, I wouldn’t get your hopes up) before the end of the season on 9th May.
Lower down the leagues, Sky also plan to show the Coca-Cola Football League play-off finals from Wembley Stadium in 3D in summer.
Over a thousand pubs have signed up to show Sky 3D. So from April, once word gets around to which ale-houses have it, we’ll all be able to pile in and watch footy matches popping out of the screen, with clearances heading directly toward our eyeballs. It’s likely that more and more pubs will sign up in the next few weeks.
Brian Lenz, director of product design and TV product development at Sky, called the 3D channel’s launch with the title-contender clash “fitting”. I don’t know why he said that, but he did.
Anyway, even if it’s only a novelty, it should be great fun.
Pubs – is the worst finally over for them?
February 4th, 2010 • 7 Comments
This recession has totally shagged the British pub industry. The big figure has been that 52 pubs have closed per week. That’s a staggering and, quite frankly, shitty amount of boozers to lose.
However, after relentless gloom ladling, here’s something a little more cheerful. Last week, a report came out saying that beer sales are finally getting better. These sales are far from brilliant, but progress is progress. So is it time to be cautiously optimistic for British pubs?
The Publican reported yesterday that pub performance is improving. Naturally, the first lot to show signs of recovery are the big chain pubs. However, this news was followed by new data compiled for the British Beer and Pub Association by CGA Strategy, showing that the second half of 2009 saw 39 pubs closing per week. It’s still crap, but it’s definitely not as crap as it was, meaning that things could be getting better for our ale houses.
A total of 2,365 pubs closed during 2009, leaving us with 52,500 in Britain. What this transpires to is a loss of over £250 million in tax revenues this year, if the current closure level continues. There’s a whole lot of people losing their jobs too, which is something that news outlets seems less keen on reporting.
However, the BBPA is warning the Government that they should be looking at way to help pubs out to avoid intensifying problems. The tax burden remains the biggest issue, and the government is apparently planning another above inflation increase in Beer Tax in the forthcoming Budget.
This increase in the complexity and cost of running a pub is ensuring that our ‘free houses’ are suffering more than any other pub. These closures have lead to a group forming called Back The Pub which is a campaign which hopes to bring together all those with an interest in supporting and promoting the British pub.
While it seems that things are a long way from being sorted, things are certainly looking up for the British pub. Now, who fancies a scoop?
3D football coming to secret pubs this weekend!
January 28th, 2010 • 10 Comments
That picture we always see whenever clueless media types try and show us how football fans behave. Now with the addition of silly spectacles.
People, the future is finally here – and better still, you’ll have to go down the pub to witness it in all its majestic glory.
Sky, the broadcasting monster that we all love to hate and hate to love but secretly love a bit anyway are the providers of the great leap forward – it’s your real, actual 3D football on the telly.
It’ll happen as soon as this Sunday in a smattering of pubs around the country where the Arsenal v Manchester United Premier League skirmish will be broadcast in all three magnificent dimensions. Sky claim it will be it will be the first transmission of a live 3D TV sports event to a public audience.
Better still, if you want to see it, you’ll need to work out where to go, as Sky are refusing to reveal the identity of the nine pubs, in order to avoid a series of stampedes.
All they will say is that four of the screenings will be in London, with two in Manchester and one each in Cardiff, Edinburgh and Dublin.
The service will be increased in April, when hundreds of pubs will be kitted out with 3D screening equipment, with scores of grown adults standing around all sporting silly 3D glasses as they watch Burnley and Birmingham grind out a miserable 0-0 draw.
By the end of the year, Sky 3D should be available in the living rooms of Sky HD subscribers who take their film and movie packages.
Where will it all end? Smell-o-vision we hope, with the chance to opt in for the whiff of stale beer and meat pies, or if you choose the retro option, Silk Cuts and male urine.
Pubs to go on strike?
December 29th, 2009 • 5 Comments
The Great British Pub is an ailing, sickly thing. Pubs are dropping like brides’ nighties leaving us faced with a wall of chain pubs and their fart-smelling pints. The latest figure is that 52 boozers are closing every week.
As our locals shut up shop, we find ourselves increasingly likely to stay in our homes getting rat-arsed, smoking tabs on the flammable couch and pretending to talk to strangers when we go for a slash and standing in our gardens throwing wild punches at an imagined adversary who fingered our girlfriend’s pint.
And things could get a whole lot worse.
You see, pubs are getting priced out of the game and thousands of landlords are set to vote on whether to take industrial action in protest at the amount they must pay in overheads.
Over half of Britain’s pubs are owned by large pub firms – pubcos – and the GMB union says they require landlords to buy beer at a premium rate, as well as being asked to cough up for an up-front fee to and over-the-odds rent.
Apparently, there’s around 25,000 landlords in the UK who run ‘tied pubs’, which are rented from one of seven large property companies who also sell them beer. GMB reckons that the pubs are being charged up to double the wholesale price of beer available on the open market and makes demands of £12,000 of the annual cut in wholesale payments for each pub.
Industrial action looks inevitable but as yet, is not clear in what shape it will take. Should the staff and landlords decide to picket across the doors of their pubs, we could well see pubco reps backed by policemen with their numbers covered taking swipes at busty barmaids whilst alcoholics openly weep stage left as Billy Bragg strikes up a tuneless protest song.
Or, it could be a good time to start getting hammered on cheap ale.
GMB national officer Paul Maloney said: “If members vote for action, pubs will lower prices to customers during the dispute. The aim of the action by the tied tenants is to secure negotiation with pubcos to achieve very substantial cuts in wholesale prices and a resolution to a wide range of grievances experienced by the tied tenants at the hands of the pubcos’ middle managers and their agents.”
MPs from the Business and Enterprise Select Committee have called for the Competition Commission to investigate arrangements that oblige pub tenants to take beer supplies only from their landlords.
[BBC]
Brace yourself – Wetherspoon to create 250 new pubs
December 1st, 2009 • 15 Comments
Wetherspoon pubs. You can’t move for ‘em. They’re the McDonalds of the pisscan world with their cheap ale and food that smells of week-old farts. I should know, I was sat in one yesterday amongst old men with faces like rotted blood oranges.
You’ll be thrilled to learn that JD Wetherspoon has announced it will open 250 pubs over the next five years, creating 10,000 jobs in the process and prompting double that figure in hapless alcoholics.
The group opened 39 pubs in the year to the end of July, and had already announced it would open 40 new pubs by the middle of next summer… just in time for the FIFA World Cup. It’s ploughing £250m in the new boozers over the five years.
Quite how they manage to make a profit is beyond me… selling guest ales for £1.75 a pop… but they are, as the company recently announced record sales in the year to the end of July, with pre-tax profits up 13% on a year earlier.
“Our pubs are extremely popular and we wish to build on their success by opening more,” said Wetherspoon’s chairman Tim Martin.
So which towns and cities should shudder at the thought of brawling mongs and screeching other halves? Sites include Sheffield, Livingston, Leominster, Otley, New Malden, Liverpool, Haverfordwest and Newcastle.
There’s already 743 Wetherspoon pubs operating in the UK. Before long, there will only be Wetherspoons pubs and we’ll be known as a nation of people with loose stools.
[BBC]
Missed your parcel delivery? It’ll be down the juicer
August 4th, 2009 • 24 Comments
Pro-pub lady Jennifer Ellison yesterday
Whenever we mention courier companies and their haphazard delivery methods around these parts, we brace ourselves for a raging tsunami of comments from you lot, slagging practically all of them off.
It’s all “they left my Xbox in a burning skip outside my house” and “my new camera was unusable because the delivery driver fed it to a passing dog and then stapled the ‘sorry we missed you’ info card to its hind leg.”
But where were YOU when you should have been sitting at home, waiting patiently between 8am and 7pm for your goods? You were down the fucking pub weren’t you? Admit it you weasel.
Problems like that will soon be a thing of the past. Now you can booze the day away AND take safe delivery of all the stuff you don’t even remember ordering because you were so pissed when you did it.
That’s thanks to a new scheme devised by pub awareness group Use Your Local – they’ve signed up more than 500 pubs, whose landlords are happy to take delivery of parcels when the householder is out. So you don’t really need to be an all-day pisshead to use the service. But it definitely helps.
