Posts Tagged ‘pub’
As spotted by avid Bitterwallet reader Jack…
We’re living in ‘tough times’ and ‘tough decisions’ need to be made, especially if you’re running a business. But if you were a pub landlord who found a corpse in your establishment on a Friday night, what lengths would YOU go to in order to ensure that your crucial weekend trade wasn’t affected.
If you were 29-year-old Jason Chidgey, you might get a cleaner (but not the Harvey Keitel kind) to help you hide the body in a first floor room and then arrange for it to be ‘found’ the following Tuesday.
Yes, that’s what happened in the Boot Hotel in Aberdare, South Wales, with Chidgey pulling a Fawlty Towers in order to prevent a loss of takings at a vital time of the week. The dead man was pub regular Mark Howells, who passed away from natural causes relating to alcohol poisoning aged 48.
Chidgey roped in cleaner Audra Rees to help him hide the body in a first floor bedroom, and the corpse was ‘discovered’ the following Tuesday. But Mrs. Rees had nightmares about the incident and came clean (not in the Harvey Keitel sense) on the day of the funeral of Mr Howells.
The desperate landlord has been jailed for 15 months for perverting the course of justice.
It’s all going on in the crazy world of North East football today. In the black and white corner, Newcastle fans are said to be OUTRAGED after payday loan merchants Wonga were announced as the club’s new shirt sponsor.
The company, who offer short-term loans with an APR of up to 4,000% have sealed the deal with the Toon Army, after a few days of speculation and add the Geordie hit squad to Blackpool and Hearts on the list of teams that are sponsored by them.
Michael Martin, the editor of Newcastle fanzine True Faith said: “The people who run Newcastle, for the fans, have a social responsibility.I would love them to honestly answer one question: Would you, Mike Ashley, seriously recommend borrowing money from Wonga at those interest rates? If you can’t answer yes then they shouldn’t be our shirt sponsors.
“Newcastle is being used to normalise their product. It cheapens and tarnishes the Newcastle United brand. I wouldn’t want my logo next to them, so what do other sponsors think? This is close to breaking point for me, the one that breaks the camel’s back.”
Presumably that was BEFORE the subsequent announcement that Wonga have also snapped up the naming rights to the club’s ground, which has recently been known as the Sports Direct Arena. In a move that will have fans biting their knuckles, the ground will revert to its more well-known name of St. James’ Park. Very shrewd, Wonga, very shrewd indeed.
Meanwhile, 12 miles down the road in Sunderland, the landlord of a pub situated about half a mile from the Stadium Of Light (pictured left) has received a letter from the club, demanding that he take down SAFC flags that are hung in his window, insisting that “the use of SAFC products in your establishment implies a misleading affiliation between your establishment and SAFC.”
Landlord Alan Wallace’s pub, The Fort, hosts hundreds of Sunderland fans before each home match – we’re wondering if any of them believe that the pub is some kind of genuine SAFC-affiliated establishment. Doubtful.
Looks like another example of a football club forgetting that they’re actually a part of, and exist because of the local community, and behaving like a gang of blinkered dickheads instead. Not like up the road at Newcastle, eh? Where they’re keen to promote ball-squeezingly high APR loans to their customers.
How do YOU cope when you feel you’ve been unfairly treated as a customer? If you’re 24-year-old Dean Dinnen of Hull, and you’ve been turfed out of your local for flouting the smoking ban, you simply mooch off home, grab your favourite chainsaw and head back for some powerful retribution.
Dean is now starting a three-year prison sentence. Do they still use cigarettes as currency in jail?
Dig if you will a picture, of all of us down the boozer, not having to shift our arses at any stage other than to go to the toilet. That was the vivid picture painted by Tomorrow’s World back in 1965 as the show revealed for the first time the ‘computerised pub’, based in London’s fashionable Hackney Wick.
‘Nothing is safe from the tide of automation’ warns the reporter as we see what those in the know assumed would become the standard in years to come. Groups of friends sit around, ordering their drinks via a simple telephonic system, with a vast phone directory of booze acting as your guide.
Looking for something a bit more crazy and complicated like two cherries and a cube of ice? Don’t worry – dial 100 and the waiter will come along. Looking to start a punch-up with the bloke at the next table ‘cos he’s been eyeing up your bird? Thankfully there doesn’t seem to be an automated way of making that happen… yet.
Oh, and we don’t know why the presenter and the woman are holding hands at the beginning. It was a different world then…
Hands up if you’ve supped a pint at the Rectum bar in Vienna, then? There are plenty of bars look they’ve been shat on the pavement, and plenty more smell just as unpleasant. Several years ago, Designer Atlier Van Lieshout went one step further:
BarRectum, Arsch Bar, Asshole Bar, Bar Anus. While the translations sound different, the form is universally recognizable. The bar takes its shape from the human digestive system: starting with the tongue, continuing to the stomach, moving through the small and the large intestines and exiting through the anus. While BarRectum is anatomically correct, the last part of the large intestine has been inflated to a humongous size to hold as many drinking customers at the bar as possible. The anus itself is part of a large door that doubles as an emergency exit.
Not that you have go as far as Vienna to find a drunken arsehole; Wetherspoons will probably do.
Fittingly, Bobby got the job of bigging up Britain’s pubs with this ‘Look In At The Local’ campaign, aided and abetted by Martin Peters and their lovely wives. Read the rest of this entry »