Posts Tagged ‘products’
In a desperate attempt to revive their flagging fortunes, Mothercare is launching a new range of royal baby themed clothing and toys. They include playsets including corgis and the Duke of Edinburgh being racist about the Japanese, and awful bibs with ‘When I grow up I want to be a Princess’ embroidered on them by tearful Bangladeshi factory workers.
And, if you’re a real royal bellend, you might even be able to buy a pram in the style of a horse drawn carriage, which will look dead classy when you’re pushing it around 99p Stores with a fag on the go.
Mothercare are the first of many retailers who will be launching a range of goods to cash in on the royal foetus, which is due in July. But chief executive Simon Calver insists it’s not cashing in per se.
‘We’re looking to commemorate, celebrate, to have a bit of fun. Babies are going to be the thing people talk about this year.’ He said, not rubbing his hands together with glee at all.
And what better way to commemorate the beginning of a new life than with idiocy?
It’s not because we’re getting fatter and further away – some products really ARE getting smaller, thanks to unscrupulous manufacturers who are reducing pack sizes by up to a quarter while upping the cost.
A Which! report out today revealed something that very stoned people have suspected all along. Munchies have been reduced by 16%, Twix has shrunk by 14% and Birds Eye beef burgers have been reduced by a whopping 4 burgers in a pack.
Furniture polish, dishwasher tablets, pasta sauce and even Liquorice Allsorts have been similarly miniaturised, although the prices stay as big as ever, with the burgers actually going up in price by 30p.
Richard ‘Crazy Legs’ Lloyd from Which! took a dim view, saying: ‘Shrinking products can be an underhand way of raising prices because pack sizes shrink but the prices don’t. We want simpler pricing so people can easily compare products to see which is the cheapest, and for special offers to be genuine.’
Over half of Which! users said they would prefer higher prices rather than this incredible shrinking skulduggery. Give us back our crappy Birds Eye burgers, you monsters.
Is the salmon of ‘Lochmuir’ your favourite kind? Like Willow Farm chickens? They’re great aren’t they? However, while these special treats may plant an idyll in your mind, there’s something you should know – half of them are nothing but a crock.
In the case of Marks & Spencer’s ‘Lochmuir’ salmon, the location is something they’ve simply invented. Like Willow Farm chicken, the product actually comes from farms dotted all over the place, according to a Which! investigation.
Of course, the supermarkets aren’t breaking the law while they do this, but with more and more customers looking at where their food comes from, it feels that this is the wrong side of hoodwinkery.
Which!!! executive director Richard Lloyd said: “Using a place name can create the illusion of a more personal shopping experience like a farmers’ market, or evoke images of a specific location. And with more of us interested in where food comes from, clever branding can help sell products.”
An M&S spokesman says: “‘Lochmuir does not exist, however the name is a collective way of representing farms across Scottish regions.’ Someone from Tesco adds: “All the Willow Farm chickens are British, from a number of farms – one called Willow Farm.”
There’s also concern over ‘weasel words’ which could mislead consumers. For example, Covent Garden Wild Mushroom soup contains only 0.6 per cent dried wild mushrooms, but 18 per cent normal mushrooms and a bottle of Strawberry Yop has absolutely no fruit in it whatsoever. Likewise, ’farm fresh’ eggs may still have been laid by caged hens.
Got a room full of soiled nappies? Good news! The UK’s first ever nappy recycling plant is to open today! Crack open the champers!
It’s not just filthy nappies either, you lucky lucky lot! The facility will also recycle feminine hygiene products and adult incontinence pads! Ain’t life wonderful?!
Knowaste are the people who want you to throw your jamrags and gloopy gussets at them so they can use state-of-the-art technology to recycle, sterilise and recover the plastic and fibre in these stinky articles and turn them into roof tiles and such.
Just think of it. A house covered in Tena Lady! Poetic.
Roy Brown, chief executive officer of Knowaste, says: “This first site in West Bromwich represents the beginning of a £25m overall investment in the UK, that will produce capacity for handling about a fifth of the AHP waste stream – equating to a saving of 110,000 tonnes of greenhouse gas emissions a year.
“In the UK, more than 1m tonnes of AHP waste is generated annually, much of which is landfilled. A significant proportion of which is produced by the commercial sector and we are proud to be working with some of the Midlands’ and nation’s leading AHP collection companies already.”
Now, some poor sod has to sift through all this junk.
Lifestyle TV presenting idiots are very, very keen to force-feed you the notion that Buying British is the best thing you can do. Of course, helping out the UK market is a good thing, but aside from some vague altruism, do you really care where something is made?
See, a Made in Britain logo has been unleashed on the public in the hope that it will help to boost the sales of British-made products and services… despite the fact it looks like a Paris Saint Germaine home shirt.
This little logo is having hopes pinned on it as it is hoped that, with its use in advertising campaigns, labels and websites, consumers will be able to identify what has been made on their doorstep and, presumably, make you want to buy it over something made elsewhere.
All this has come about after someone did some research and discovered that most British shoppers have no idea which products are made in Blighty. Did they ask if the average consumer actually gave two hoots?
Of course, the government are feigning interest and backing the new logo, despite having nothing to do with the creation of it. The logo was in fact brought about by kitchen appliance manufacturer Stoves. No, us neither.
So while TV chefs and Kirstie Allsopp will now be able to fizz with enthusiasm about local artisans and British producers, the fact is that the majority of British consumers will still show the most interest in the thing that is best value for them. If British vegetables cost more than ones from overseas, a little logo on the packaging isn’t going to make too much difference is it?
Chances are, you’re reading this article in some hellish, strip-lit office with some bastard of a boss who keeps checking that you’re not talking too much or pissing around online when you should be inputting tedious, ultimately meaningless figures into a spreadsheet.
So what are the chances of you getting your head down for a nap? Slim-to-shit all no doubt. If you do want a nap, it is usually best to slope off to the bogs for half an hour in a cubical. Or, you could make yourself utterly conspicuous by burying your head in a fabric pod that will probably starve you of oxygen and kill you.
Regarding the latter, welcome to The Ostrich, the “pocket pillow for nap” made by people divorced from working realities. They say that “working patterns are constantly evolving” which means “we often need to make work and rest fully compatible within the same space.” Apparently, some cultures haven’t adapted to “this new working-resting paradigm.” Jesus H!
And so, you can now buy this “micro environment in which to take a warm and comfortable power nap at ease. It is neither a pillow nor a cushion, nor a bed, nor a garment, but a bit of each at the same time. Its soothing cave-like interior shelters and isolates our head and hands (mind, senses and body) for a few minutes, without needing to leave our desk.”
Comes complete with a P45 and a bereavement card for loved ones. More info at Studio KG.
Batteries. Can’t bin ‘em – shouldn’t really lick the end of ‘em to give yourself a small shock. They might be on the way out thanks to a Japanese electronics firm who have come up with a neat idea to charge our gizmos.
The Vibration Energy Cell (which is in urgent need of a catchier name) is a vibration-harvesting generator which give power after being vigorously shook up like Elvis Presley.
Brother Industries (you may recall them from Man City’s shirts in the ’90s) are claiming that these vibrating thingies could be used in place of AA or AAA batteries. Probably not cars though.
It all works in a similar way to a bicycle light dynamo and some spokesperson for Brother told the Beeb: “Our Vibration Energy Cells generate electricity using a coil, a magnet, and condenser that charges electricity. These are all embedded in the battery.”
“Because of its low output this type of cell is designed to be used for things such as TV remote controls and LED devices, which consume low power and do not consume electrical power continuously.”
Carl Telford, an analyst at electronics business consultants Strategic Business Insights, says the batteries are a significant break through with bags of potential.
“It’s great because they will work OK in a low-power application for AA batteries that one can shake without breaking; a remote control, for example. Of its size, it is small, compact, and directly compatible with existing power sources. Brother says that it can produce enough power at reasonably low frequencies, around 4-8Hz – this is impressive.”
“Walking with a device in your pocket would vibrate with a frequency of around 2Hz. You’d need to shake the remote quite briskly, but it would work.”
If you had a dildo, it would charge itself the more you used it. This is great news for women and dreadful news for men.
Alas, there’s no plans currently to sell this product to plebs like us. Brother say: “Currently the cells are still in the trial phase and so far we do not have a clear business plan for this item. However, we will continue to monitor the market to make a business plan when needed.”
Apparently, the Daily Mail are already worried that these new devices give you cancer.