For crying out loud...

Some say that they’re delightful to watch and they’re very fashionable among, let’s face it, knobheads, but Chinese lanterns are said to be causing death and destruction across the land.

The paper lanterns have bamboo and wire in them and house candles that are lit before being released into the sky by dimwits and bell ends who want to liven up their dull festive occasions without having to fork out for a clown or proper fireworks.

But farmers (who always tell the truth and don’t suffer from a persecution complex AT ALL) are reporting that once the lanterns land, they are causing the deaths of idiot cows who chew them, causing choking and internal injuries.

Pat Stanley, who breeds pedigree cattle near Coalville, Leicestershire, told BBC Radio 4’s Farming Today: “They’re made of a hoop of bamboo, which in itself is a very sharp piece of wood when it’s broken, and then there’s a crosspiece of wire. If we silage-make in any of these fields, this is all going to be chopped to pieces if we don’t see it and find it. That’s going to go into my silage clamp and next year I’m going to have dead cows.”

She added: “If you went fly-tipping rubbish in the countryside and somebody caught you doing it, you could be prosecuted. People can launch this rubbish into the air, it can cause tremendous damage and nobody knows where it’s come from.”

Additionally, farmers are concerned that smouldering lanterns could cause crop fires and coast guards are mistaking the lanterns for distress flares, making them the biggest public menace since Alan Titchmarsh was given a daily show on ITV1.

Sky Lanterns, who make the wretched things have acknowledged the problem and say they’ll be producing a new wire-free version in the next month. Meanwhile, they are urging people to inform the coast guard if planning to launch the lanterns near the coast and to avoid launching them near dry crops.

Because people will really pay attention to that won’t they? People – idiots more like.

Asda are super-keen to keep in touch with you, the consumer, and in the spirit of transparency, married to the technology of 1997, they’ve added some still-picture webcams to their exciting, vibrant Your Asda website. The concept is like something your grandad would come up with down at OAP’s computer club in the local library.

Today, the action comes to you live from a dairy supplier in Lockerbie, a carrot processing plant near Selby, and the atrium at Asda House in Leeds. We were glued to the live feed for almost two minutes earlier and got to see some carrots, some people and the lower half of a cow’s leg.

We much preferred the beta version that came out last month, where the nightshift kid ran around pissing in the bins and licking raw chickens but there you go…

Spot the cow's leg