Posts Tagged ‘Odd stuff’

Scottish Independence is a political hot potato (catch!) and, for the most part, people can’t muster up the energy to care. Even people in Scotland aren’t too fussed.

So much so that there’s some people willing to sell their vote on eBay.

Of course, this is electoral fraud, so the police have launched an investigation. They’re looking at the numerous listings which have appeared on internet auction site, and if you really want the vote to go a certain way on September 18th, then you can buy their ballot off them.

ebay indyref 500x281 People selling their votes in Scottish Independence

The Electoral Commission is aware of the listings and eBay has since removed the listings from its site. They’re bound to come back, thereby creating yet more internet Whack-A-Mole.

Some fella called ‘chrisoc1986′ sold their vote for a whopping £1.04.

The listing read: “This is my very own unique piece of British History! It is my personal YES or NO vote for the upcoming Scottish Referendum in September.”

“I for one, do not give a flying monkeys about any of this. This could be the deciding vote. Who knows? I am a hard working Scottish citizen with a house, a gorgeous wife and two beautiful kids who are my world.”

“This vote will not change anything in our lives so I have decided not to vote my opinion but instead….. ONE OF YOURS! Happy Bidding”

You can bet Alistair Darling is scouring eBay as we speak.

Scottish police said they are looking into it and a spokesman said: “Our policing arrangements for the referendum are well in hand and will be appropriate and proportionate. Police Scotland’s priority is to ensure public safety and security. We will respond appropriately to any issues which arise.”

“We are investigating these incidents and therefore cannot comment on the outcome of these incidents until all inquires are concluded. Where other incidents are reported they will be investigated and appropriate action taken.”

Nice day for a Vimto wedding

August 21st, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

vimto 171x300 Nice day for a Vimto weddingA Vimto-obsessed man has had a Vimto-themed wedding. No, he didn’t actually marry Vimto, but has settled on a lady instead.

Michael Tomlin of Cheshire, loves Vimto so much, he had his wedding to his bride Liz themed all around the purple goo.

Guests wore purple, they toasted with Vimto and dined on a variety of the soft drink’s spin-off products – even the priest wore a purple sash at St Gregory’s Church in Bollington, Cheshire.

Even the best man pulled out a presentation and joked that the wedding was sponsored by Vimto.

Michael explains that his obsession stemmed from when his gran used to make him the drink: ”When I met Liz I even took her to a Vimto statue in Manchester city centre for our first date and I proposed to her at the same spot four years later.”

“Vimto is at the centre of our hearts, so it was only fitting that it played a major part in our day. When I first met I was telling her the history of the drink and she loves all things history.”

Vimto is just about bloody EVERYWHERE for Michael, and he’s even snuck in a few cartons into his honeymoon luggage.

Which is the point where one would imagine his new wife should put her foot down.

Want knickers that look soiled? Urine luck!

August 11th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Urban Outfitters are selling some knickers for £5, reduced from £35, which is a good price right? However, these ‘Under Protection Tina Briefs in White and Lime’ have a major flaw.

They’ll make you look like you’ve pissed yourself.

5741447230006 034 b 333x500 Want knickers that look soiled? Urine luck!

The blurb on the site says: “Danish label Under Protection specialises in creating beautiful underwear from sustainable fabrics. These ultra-soft briefs are created from bamboo crepe fabric finished with a fresh dip dye.”

If you want to buy yourself or a loved-one some soiled-looking scads, then click here.

Courier leaves parcel on roof

August 11th, 2014 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

It is annoying when you find the ‘sorry, you were out’ slip when you’re waiting for a parcel (especially when you were in at the time), but a chap called Benjamin Ward shared something on Twitter that was quite unique.

A courier tried to deliver a parcel to him, and finding that he wasn’t in, decided to lob his package on top of Ward’s house with a note that said “stuck on roof – sorry!”.

ad 142705401 333x500 Courier leaves parcel on roof

Courier service myHermes found out about this and tweeted him: “Please accept our sincere apologies. This is unacceptable and we’re on it.”

And indeed they were – they sent their courier back with some ladders and made him fetch it according to Ward’s Twitter account.

Ward saw the funny side of it though, saying: “It was super-awkward. It was more funny than anything else, so I don’t really want to make a big deal of it.”

SexFit measures how good your man is in the sack

August 8th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Dirty vendors Bondara have released a thing called SexFit, which just so happens to be a device that straps onto the base of a man’s wang and measures bedroom performance.

No pressure.

Basically, it’s a cock-ring and once you pop it on, it utilises an accelerometer and Bluetooth module which tracks your ins-and-outs. The data is then transferred to the accompanying app which you and your lover can romantically digest together and coo at the number of calories burned and how many thrusts per minute you’ve done.

sexfit 500x317 SexFit measures how good your man is in the sack

It gets better! You can turn sex into a competition with your pals online as SexFit allows users to compare the humping sessions with each other on social media!

Never mind what your partner wants! You’ll need to beat Steve from the office who is currently top of the leaderboard and clearly has an arse like a hummingbird’s wing!

The device also has a “revolutionary pacing mode that vibrates in time to a pre-set rhythm”. Bondara says: “Match the rhythm with your thrusts for the most effective stimulation. Notification lights on the top of the ring will also show what mode the SexFit is in, and illuminate in the centre when the rhythm is steady.”

Is this the most romantic thing that’s ever been made?

pants Desirable items: The Half Cover Underwear Boxer Brief PantsUnderwear news now, and the seemingly ongoing quest to make men’s pants look deeply insane continues.

After we ran a story about the sickening half-thong (basically those cock thongs that rather demand you shave around that region, or else they’ll look REALLY ridiculous) emerged, new fresh Hell has come to greet us.

These – so you can update your End Times Playsheet – are called ‘Half Cover Underwear Boxer Briefs Pants’ (I’m assuming ‘Freakini’ or ‘WTFundercrackers’ have been taken) and they are actually a thing that is available on eBay right now, after an underwear designer invented them during the throes of a mental breakdown.

There’s not much more detail other than they’re ‘Comfy. Stylish. HOT’ and that ‘the colour may not be quite as advertised’, which is quite helpful should anyone be demented enough to buy them.

If you know of someone who has partaken of these pants, and has since not looked back and thrown all their old pants away, please write in and tell us.

The world is an awful, war torn place, full of dead children and Ebola, but sometimes, something comes along that restores your faith in humanity – like ICE CREAM THAT CHANGES COLOUR.

This Wonka-tastic invention is now a reality, thanks to science!

ice cream color 500x310 I scream, you scream, we all scream for colour changing ice cream!

Crazy physicist, engineer and ice cream crackpot Manuel Linares has created this amazing chameleon-like dessert which he calls Xamaleon.

(Er, maybe get a more catchy name that kids could actually pronounce?).

Anyway, Manuel puts the colour changing ice cream – which apparently tastes like a mixture of different fruit flavours – down to the fun central tenets of chemistry: temperature and oxidization.

Oh, and also the use of a VERY inappropriate sounding spray called ‘Love Elixir’ which turns it pink. Then, when you eat it, the colour changes begin.

Manuel’s invention is patent pending, and probably needs a bit of rebranding before it hits the shops. At the moment, it sounds like something you might get in Ann Summers.

But even so, it sounds pretty amazing.

ANT-AGEDDON

July 24th, 2014 No Comments By Lucy Sweet

ants ANT AGEDDONBEWARE OF THE ANTS! THE ANTS ARE COMING! Not just regular ants, either, but ASIAN SUPER ANTS!

*calls Daily Mail, faints*

What’s more, these super ants, also known as Fire ants, will eat through your home’s electricity cables and live in your plug sockets, causing potential fires.

They love a bit of electricity, because they’re EVIL, and they don’t even care if they get killed – it just makes their army stronger.

Fire ants aren’t usually found on these shores, but the species first made an appearance back in 2009, when 35,000 were found crawling all over a National Trust property in Gloucestershire. (Who counted them all?).

Now, a colony have taken over a house in Hendon, North West London, and they’ve been spotted in Buckinghamshire, too.

Jo Hodgkins from the National Trust said: “The problems with them are they seem to get attracted to electricity and they can take up residence in plug sockets and power sources, creating a fire hazard. They can easily establish themselves in somewhere like Britain and I would not be surprised if they colonised other areas. They are pretty tough little creatures.”

RUN! RUN from your new ant overlords!

Revealed: the voice of the self-service tills

July 7th, 2014 1 Comment By Lucy Sweet

helena breck Revealed: the voice of the self service tills As you pass your tins of beans and vacuum packed sandwiches over the beepy things, you’ve probably dimly wondered: ‘Who is the woman who does the voice on the supermarket self service tills?’

Is she a robot voice, developed in a lab by Tesco to hit the right soothing notes when she asks you whether you have a Clubcard for the 458,079th time? Or is it a real woman who once spent an afternoon in a sound booth trying to say ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’ in a variety of emotionally resonant ways?

Well, wonder no more. The voice of the tills (not to be confused with Alan ‘Voice of the Balls’ Dedicoat) is actress Helena Breck. Early devotees of 80s Eastenders might know her as the long-suffering wife of panto yuppie villain Wilmott-Brown. She was also in Crown Court and Triangle.

And now she’s the voice of 10,000 tills. What a CV!

Ms Breck was chosen after till manufacturer NCR were looking for a ‘calming voice and approachable manner.’ But like any actress, she doesn’t want to be typecast. There’s more to her range than ‘Please scan your items’, ‘Do you have a Clubcard?’ and ‘Please indicate payment type.’ She can do bloody SHAKESPEARE, darling.

‘Out damn spot! Out of the bagging area, I say.’

Stewart James Wright 300x199 Man tries to carry stolen 42inch telly – on his bike If you’re going to walk into a house and steal a MAHOOOOSIVE telly, you’d better make sure there’s plenty of room in the car boot.

In fact, you’d better make sure you have a getaway car in the first place, rather than a.. er, push bike.

This didn’t occur to bungling burglar Stewart James Wright of Middlesborough, who decided to steal the TV from a student house after seeing a door was open.

Pleased with his quick thinking, he carried the enormous telly out of the door, but was stopped by police further up the road when he was spotted trying to balance the 42 inch beast on the handlebars.

It’s not the first time that this light-fingered klepto has stolen things and been caught. In fact, the raucous robber has been nicked for a grand total of 192 offences during his illustrious career, and has appeared in court 80 times.

He’d just completed a year in prison after a fed up judge had sentenced him with the immortal words: ‘the public needs a rest from your activities.’

Still, you’ve got to admire his chutzpah.

‘A badger ate my wall’

April 24th, 2014 No Comments By Lucy Sweet

Successful home insurance claims aren’t just about humdrum leaky pipes or articulated lorries crashing into the front of your house. At the RIAS, amongst the 400,000 insurance claims they receive a year, there’s a regular stream of wild and wacky incidents involving babies vomiting on laptops, badgers chewing through masonry and squirrels breaking windows.

badger ‘A badger ate my wall

In their top ten of strange claims, a snail ate £78 worth of carpet at a man’s house in Preston, a pigeon fell down a chimney and destroyed the carpet, ornaments and sofa, causing £8000 worth of damage, and a woman locked a badger in her shed, which then ate through her wall. There was also the deer who fell into a swimming pool.

But the piece de resistance has to be the dog from Galashiels, who saw another dog on the telly and TRIED TO JUMP THROUGH THE SCREEN.

With the weary air of someone who has seen it all before, Peter Corfield, managing director of the RIAS said:

‘Sometimes it’s the most unlikely events that can end up causing real damage. Not all claims are straightforward and sometimes we do see some bizarre scenarios. But, saying that, babies and animals are often the culprits.’

Men! Check out this sickening half-thong

April 16th, 2014 7 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Men. Have you ever looked down at your nether regions and thought – ‘these underpants… there’s just too much of them. People should be able to see more of my junk’.

Well, if you went from boxers to jockeys, to briefs to a high cut tanga thong, and found yourself still too covered up for your own liking, then how about this utterly ghastly product?

wtf thong 500x500 Men! Check out this sickening half thong

 As you can see, you can get your hands on a half-thong affair, which proudly show off most of your groin and one whole buttock. Of course, it you have a spotty arse and a bit of a gut, these sorry undercrackers will look even worse. If a model can’t make them look the part, the rest of us don’t stand a chance.

That said, we’re sure to give some kind of prize to anyone who is mental enough to wear these down the beach this summer. We’ll probably vomit up our pelvis too.

If you are a weirdo and want a pair, you can get them on eBay for around a dollar. Bitterwallet accepts no responsibility for everyone suddenly ignoring you.

Another day, another dodgy invention that wouldn’t look out of place on an ancient episode of Benny Hill. Alongside the heat sensor bra that unhooks itself, we now have the very useful and not at all stupid Intimacy 2.0 dress, which becomes transparent when you’re turned on.

dezeen Intimacy 2 0 by Studio Roosegaarde with Anouk Wipprecht 3 300x300 Oops, my dress appears to have become transparent

Aside from looking completely hideously unwearable, like it was fashioned from the plastic bendy bits you get inside a new pair of shoes, the dress also responds to heart rate and temperature. When the temperature is raised, the ‘e-foils’ that it is made up of start to become opaque and turn into clear plastic.

In order to pretend that this is some kind of technological/design milestone, and not a useless perv dress that will also become transparent when you’re running for a bus or cleaning out the guttering, Netherlands-based designer Daan Roosegaarde calls it ‘techno poetry.’

‘Technology is used here not merely functional but also as a tool to create intimacy as well as privacy on a direct, personal level which in our contemporary tech society is becoming increasingly important.’ He said.

Blah blah blah…tits.

Teaspoons are a dangerous thing. You can STIR things with them, hang them on the end of your nose – and even bend them like Uri Geller. They’re definitely one of the world’s biggest threats to safety and should be under lock and key at all times, like guns, hunting knives and Anthrax spores.

teaspoons Tesco refuses to sell teaspoons to people under 18

Well, that’s what Tesco seem to think. When poor 16 year old Liam Whelan from Lancashire went to buy some teaspoons from there, on the instructions of his Mam, he was stopped at the self-service till with the warning that he was underage. A staff member was called and refused to sell him the dangerous spoons because he wasn’t 18.

Liam, in convulsions of teenage humilation, was left red faced by the ‘ordeal.’

‘It was embarrassing enough buying teaspoons, but to get refused was even worse. I wasn’t with anyone but the supermarket was busy and I did know some of the other customers.’

(Buying teaspoons. SO embarrassing. FML).

Tesco were sympathetic to Liam’s tiny-spooned plight.

‘We do include a till prompt for proof of age on our self-service tills for some items. We ask our colleagues to use their judgment as to whether this should be applied. In this instance, this was not followed and we apologise to our customer for any inconvenience caused.’

Inconvenience? Poor Liam will never be able to hold his head high again. EVERYBODY WAS LOOKING AT HIM.

Another bootleg DVD with a killer review

March 10th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

You may recall a fine, fine review spotted on a dodgy bootleg of Old Boy we shared (if you missed it, have a look here) and it seems to be quite the thing in the Far East.

Now, a knock-off of Shrek sees another killer one-line review which says “good, but not great.” Wouldn’t it be nice if all film blurb was that honest?

Bh5lYLYCIAARihZ 375x500 Another bootleg DVD with a killer review

[via twitter/larsenaround]