Posts Tagged ‘Odd stuff’
You may recall a fine, fine review spotted on a dodgy bootleg of Old Boy we shared (if you missed it, have a look here) and it seems to be quite the thing in the Far East.
Now, a knock-off of Shrek sees another killer one-line review which says “good, but not great.” Wouldn’t it be nice if all film blurb was that honest?
The branding for the Lancashire borough was drawn up by a local councillor, but was deemed too similar to that of Lovehoney – the sexual happiness people (aka a drop-in centre for all your lube and gag treats).
After spending a whole £3,000 on the project – and wasting no end of councillors valuable time – they insisted that no taxpayer’s money was wasted on it [Not that councils find a myriad of other ways to waste our precious money, eh? - Ed.]
Upon seeing the results, Councillor Ann Kerrigan told her colleagues: “It wouldn’t do much for Pendle and I don’t think we should be associating our logo with this kind of thing.”
They should’ve kept the symbol as both symbols represent a cavalcade of spectacular tools.
Do you believe in God? Are you one of those people that doesn’t really believe, but is worried about the off-chance that there might be something higher than us, so you’d like to keep your spiritual toe in because you’d rather be in heaven than hell?
Well, you don’t have to worry about being moral or good anymore because you can by a heavenly favour from eBay, thanks to one selfless soul.
You can now bid on a ‘credit in heaven’. Buying your way into the choir invisible? That’s what Masons do, so why not avoid all that knee-tickling nonsense and idly win an internet auction instead, while scratching your arse in front of the telly?
The listing says: “I have, from time to time, done voluntary work for a Christian church. The pastor has told me that my work has earned me credit in heaven.”
“I’m not a Christian, and I don’t think I’ll get to heaven, so I would like to sell my credit to someone who can use it.”
“I can’t give any details about how much credit there is, or how to claim it, but I am assured that it’s a very good thing to have.”
So there you have it. Win this bid, and you don’t have to worry about going to church, Christenings, prayer, being nice to anyone, not murdering, your inevitable suicide attempts or any of that rubbish because, if you win this, you’ll already be on God’s good side.
Feel free to bid right here, amen,
The staff forgot to put some oinker on her burger and, instead of getting staff to sort it out, she whipped out a gun and fired it through the drive-thru window.
Police reports say Shaneka Monique Torres and her pal had ordered a meal from a McDonald’s in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Staff ballsed the order up so the manager offered the pair a free meal the next time they were in the area.
Later, around 3am, the pair returned for more McDonald’s grub. However, the staff messed the order up again, forgetting to put bacon on Shaneka’s bun. The way Torres deals with poor customer service, it seems, is to jump out of your car and fire a single round through a drive-thru window.
Mercifully, no-one was injured in the incident.
It doesn’t end there. Apparently, before she shot up a building, Torres had been flirting with the manager who offered her the free meal. So much so that they’d exchanged numbers. Of course, this made it incredibly easy for the police to find the trigger happy troublemaker and she was promptly arrested for committing three felonies and Judge Kimberly Schaefer set a bail of US$50,000.
If you visit the Halifax Trade Windows website, you’ll find it is a hugely unremarkable place. However, when they run adverts, they are a lot more saucy.
As you can see below, they’re using the kind of chat and imagery you might find in a London phonebox, with risque chat about PVC and all manner of whipping and bondage stuff.
Full marks to anyone who enjoyed and spotted ‘Sod House’ as well.
[spotted by avid Bitterwallet reader, Nikki]
The folks over at M.E.N. have stumbled across a story where a woman called 999, trapped inside a Miss Selfridge store.
The lady in question called the emergency services after she was trying clothes on for so long that all the staff closed up and went home. She must take an age getting ready before going out, eh readers?
The paper said:
“The shopper rang police shortly before 8pm last night to say she was trapped inside the city centre shop and needed help.”
“Around five minutes later police received another call from the woman to say staff had returned to the Market Street store and let her out.”
A Greater Manchester Police spokesman indeed verified that a lady had called 999 at 7.57pm on Wednesday evening after getting locked inside the shop.
Ever wanted to fire a jet of your goo down a dark hole? Ever wanted to obliterate a load of compacted brown stuff with your powerful, arcing liquid?
Well, you should visit www.EveryHolesaGoal.com which will allow you to do exactly that.
Of course, this is a bawdy marketing campaign by Buster, who make gunk that unblocks sinks and the such. If you like your products on the side of FNARR!, then this is the one for you, pappy.
It is hard to know when you’re in love. Maybe you get a knot of excitement in your stomach and feel weak at the knees. Or maybe, you find yourself thinking about someone all the time while masturbating furiously? Or maybe it is a palpable sense of desperation that sweats out of your back like you’re Moe Syzlak?
Either way, scientists have had to test all these things for a new bra which can only be taken off if the lady wearing it is feeling the love.
In fact, this bra isn’t taken off, rather, it automatically unhooks itself when the wearer feels excited.
The bra – called the True Love Tester – was made in conjunction with ”human sexuality specialists” to create a “revolutionary new bra that knows how women truly feel.”
The device will detect whether a lady is in love (or on a rollercoaster or maybe watching Idris Elba on the telly or mashed out of her mind on MDMA) and, hey presto! Her underwear will explode off her body whether she likes it or not!
At least you’ll know if your girlfriend really fancies someone else now. Anyway, have a look at the commercial for the bra below and just imagine all the bras pinging into the air at a Take That gig.
Nestlé have had to say sorry to a family from Derry after they found a pair of grotty gloves in their massive tube of Smarties. Glenn McIntyre bought the tooth-melting tube for hi sons to open on Christmas morning.
Glenn said: “My wee boy thought at first we had stuffed them in there but of course we hadn’t. The tube had been sealed and we were really shocked to find the gloves. They were really manky – with rubber palms – the kind of heavy duty gloves you would expect a workman to wear.”
After Nestlé investigated the claim, they confessed that the gloves were “similar to those used” within their packing area and now they are very sorry, but probably rather glad that someone was getting in touch about something that wasn’t a reference to their trying to make pregnant African women not breastfeed.
The company sent the McIntyre family a cheque for £200, which Glenn can now spend on drink, to forget this terrifying ordeal.
As if Google Glass isn’t daft enough – now it seems that a young developer is hellbent on making you look daft while you’re having sex, too.
A new app called Sex With Glass, which is being created by randy Central St Martin’s student Sherif Maktabi, is intended for use during the act of love. All you have to do is say ‘OK, Glass, it’s time’ and Glass will stream what you’re seeing to each other. When you want to stop, you just say ‘OK, Glass, pull out.’
WHAT A TURN ON, EH?
As well as swapping each other’s viewpoints, you can also watch the whole grunting, unattractive extravaganza afterwards with a bag of popcorn, but the movie will be deleted forever after five hours, so no Kim Kardashian sex tape for you. The app also allows you to control mood lighting if your lighting system is wifi connected.
If you want to peer at your own flabby bits on your goggle telly instead of actually experiencing all the fun in Triple X real life 3D, then that’s up to you. But it seems that the app could be an exercise in futility for people who aren’t self-absorbed, show off sex people. I mean, do you really want to have your coitus interrupted by anguished cries of ‘Oh my God, my arse is really hairy’?
Hmm, thanks, but no thanks, technology.
Ever thought to yourself that dolls of babies just aren’t young enough? Ever wanted a figure of a baby so young that it hasn’t been born yet? Well, creeps, you can thanks to 3D Babies who will make you a copy of a foetus while it is still in the owner’s womb.
The company get an ultrasound scan of your child while it is still floating around in amniotic gunk and recreates the position it is sat in, copies its face and skin tone and the horrible present will cost you around £365 with the site saying: “The pregnancy with your child is a once in a lifetime experience. Recall those feelings over again with your own 3D Baby.”
Presumably, you can be like one of those weird parents who throws a baby shower (getting pals to eat melted Mars Bars from nappies and the like), having a pre-baby shower, making your friends talk to something that has fallen off a 3D printer and cooing about a thing still growing inside the host like a parasite.
The company say that their goal is to “bring a smile to the faces of parents, grandparents, and other family members as they recall the day that they met their little one,” which is not strictly true because holding a lifeless figurine of a thing that can’t breathe independently from its mother and has bones like a chewed-up Wham Bar isn’t strictly ‘meeting’ someone.
If that isn’t creeped-out enough, you can buy figures of babies you’ve never met. If you’ve got the money, you can buy a foetus that was once inside Kim Kardashian, lovingly placed their by Kanye West… which isn’t a weird invasion of privacy for new parents at all.
The Westboro Baptists are inevitably going to buy loads of these so they can throw them through the windows of abortion clinics because surely they’re the only crackpots who would actually consider buying one of these?
People are getting increasingly weird about their dogs and cats, taking constant pictures of them, pretending they think human thoughts, dressing them up in human clothes, carrying them around in bags and generally not treating them with the affectionate contempt they deserve.
To further this, you can buy wigs for your animals that make them look like celebrities.
Cushzilla have an array of baffling wigs for your moggy or pooch, making them look like Sharon Osbourne or Donald Trump. It’s is borderline terrifying… not that coochie-coo pet owners will care. They want their animals to walk around like living memes. The horrible weirdos.
If you want to look at some animals ruing the day they were born in a variety of outfits and wigs, direct your hate here.
[spotted by Bitterwallet's number one fan, M. Hill]
Christopher Poole isn’t a man who likes to read the small print and found out the hard way that it is always worth doing. You see, Poole spent £1,000 trying to win a Nando’s black card (which gives you free disappointing meals for life) before realising the competition had closed.
A few years ago, Nando’s ran a promotion which would offer a black card to anyone who could prove they’d eaten in all of the company’s 1,031 chains around the globe.
Sadly for Christopher Poole, he found out the competition had ended after completing 85 visits to the branches in the UK, spending £1,000 and presumably having stools so liquid, he could shit through tights.
“I heard about this competition to eat at every Nando’s branch and thought it sounded right up my street,’ he said. “I love chicken and eat in there a couple of nights a week anyway, so decided to embrace the challenge. I’d do anything to get my hands on a card giving me free chicken.”
After gaining a stone in weight and clogging all his arteries up, Nando’s gave Poole some vaguely good news and said that they would honour the prize of the competition… but only if he can complete the global challenge.
“Once I have done the UK, I am then going to move onto Australia where there are around 300 [restaurants]. I am hoping to do as many as I can in just 40 days – I plan on eating Nando’s for every meal,” he tragically declared. ”I have started to receive requests from random people who invite me to join them for food in their local Nando’s. I’ve been invited on about ten Nan-dates so far, and it’s great to meet new people who love their food as much as I do.”
Presumably, Nando’s expansion worldwide is so rapid at the moment that Poole may never get to the end of his quest without actually dying of a massive heart attack in the process, which is a lovely thought for a throwaway ‘and finally…‘ story. Still, he’s only himself to blame.
Oh dear, what can the matter be? Well, 2013 was a bumper year for rescuing people locked in the lavatory. According to a Freedom of Information request, 1,132 people were saved from the bog by the fire brigade last year.
One embarrassed man had to be rescued after he locked himself in a ladies toilet in Guildford. (HMMMM.) But the best one was a woman who found herself wedged between the toilet and the wall in a club in Cardiff. (Well, after 25 Blue WKDs, it can happen to any of us. Or…not.)
‘It was a bit comic at the time because she was a bit tipsy and laughing.’ Said one of the beleaguered fireman who was at the scene.
‘We just unbolted the toilet which gave her and us space to help her up. Thankfully she wasn’t injured. Most of our calls to bathrooms are children who have shut the door, locked the door and couldn’t open the door – and a panicking mum calls us out. We would either put a ladder through the window or put a foot through the door.’
People in London are most likely to lock themselves in the toilet, with 395 distress calls in 2013.
We’re not very bright, really, are we?