Posts Tagged ‘Odd stuff’

Revealed: the voice of the self-service tills

July 7th, 2014 1 Comment By Lucy Sweet

helena breck Revealed: the voice of the self service tills As you pass your tins of beans and vacuum packed sandwiches over the beepy things, you’ve probably dimly wondered: ‘Who is the woman who does the voice on the supermarket self service tills?’

Is she a robot voice, developed in a lab by Tesco to hit the right soothing notes when she asks you whether you have a Clubcard for the 458,079th time? Or is it a real woman who once spent an afternoon in a sound booth trying to say ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’ in a variety of emotionally resonant ways?

Well, wonder no more. The voice of the tills (not to be confused with Alan ‘Voice of the Balls’ Dedicoat) is actress Helena Breck. Early devotees of 80s Eastenders might know her as the long-suffering wife of panto yuppie villain Wilmott-Brown. She was also in Crown Court and Triangle.

And now she’s the voice of 10,000 tills. What a CV!

Ms Breck was chosen after till manufacturer NCR were looking for a ‘calming voice and approachable manner.’ But like any actress, she doesn’t want to be typecast. There’s more to her range than ‘Please scan your items’, ‘Do you have a Clubcard?’ and ‘Please indicate payment type.’ She can do bloody SHAKESPEARE, darling.

‘Out damn spot! Out of the bagging area, I say.’

Stewart James Wright 300x199 Man tries to carry stolen 42inch telly – on his bike If you’re going to walk into a house and steal a MAHOOOOSIVE telly, you’d better make sure there’s plenty of room in the car boot.

In fact, you’d better make sure you have a getaway car in the first place, rather than a.. er, push bike.

This didn’t occur to bungling burglar Stewart James Wright of Middlesborough, who decided to steal the TV from a student house after seeing a door was open.

Pleased with his quick thinking, he carried the enormous telly out of the door, but was stopped by police further up the road when he was spotted trying to balance the 42 inch beast on the handlebars.

It’s not the first time that this light-fingered klepto has stolen things and been caught. In fact, the raucous robber has been nicked for a grand total of 192 offences during his illustrious career, and has appeared in court 80 times.

He’d just completed a year in prison after a fed up judge had sentenced him with the immortal words: ‘the public needs a rest from your activities.’

Still, you’ve got to admire his chutzpah.

‘A badger ate my wall’

April 24th, 2014 No Comments By Lucy Sweet

Successful home insurance claims aren’t just about humdrum leaky pipes or articulated lorries crashing into the front of your house. At the RIAS, amongst the 400,000 insurance claims they receive a year, there’s a regular stream of wild and wacky incidents involving babies vomiting on laptops, badgers chewing through masonry and squirrels breaking windows.

badger ‘A badger ate my wall

In their top ten of strange claims, a snail ate £78 worth of carpet at a man’s house in Preston, a pigeon fell down a chimney and destroyed the carpet, ornaments and sofa, causing £8000 worth of damage, and a woman locked a badger in her shed, which then ate through her wall. There was also the deer who fell into a swimming pool.

But the piece de resistance has to be the dog from Galashiels, who saw another dog on the telly and TRIED TO JUMP THROUGH THE SCREEN.

With the weary air of someone who has seen it all before, Peter Corfield, managing director of the RIAS said:

‘Sometimes it’s the most unlikely events that can end up causing real damage. Not all claims are straightforward and sometimes we do see some bizarre scenarios. But, saying that, babies and animals are often the culprits.’

Men! Check out this sickening half-thong

April 16th, 2014 7 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Men. Have you ever looked down at your nether regions and thought – ‘these underpants… there’s just too much of them. People should be able to see more of my junk’.

Well, if you went from boxers to jockeys, to briefs to a high cut tanga thong, and found yourself still too covered up for your own liking, then how about this utterly ghastly product?

wtf thong 500x500 Men! Check out this sickening half thong

 As you can see, you can get your hands on a half-thong affair, which proudly show off most of your groin and one whole buttock. Of course, it you have a spotty arse and a bit of a gut, these sorry undercrackers will look even worse. If a model can’t make them look the part, the rest of us don’t stand a chance.

That said, we’re sure to give some kind of prize to anyone who is mental enough to wear these down the beach this summer. We’ll probably vomit up our pelvis too.

If you are a weirdo and want a pair, you can get them on eBay for around a dollar. Bitterwallet accepts no responsibility for everyone suddenly ignoring you.

Another day, another dodgy invention that wouldn’t look out of place on an ancient episode of Benny Hill. Alongside the heat sensor bra that unhooks itself, we now have the very useful and not at all stupid Intimacy 2.0 dress, which becomes transparent when you’re turned on.

dezeen Intimacy 2 0 by Studio Roosegaarde with Anouk Wipprecht 3 300x300 Oops, my dress appears to have become transparent

Aside from looking completely hideously unwearable, like it was fashioned from the plastic bendy bits you get inside a new pair of shoes, the dress also responds to heart rate and temperature. When the temperature is raised, the ‘e-foils’ that it is made up of start to become opaque and turn into clear plastic.

In order to pretend that this is some kind of technological/design milestone, and not a useless perv dress that will also become transparent when you’re running for a bus or cleaning out the guttering, Netherlands-based designer Daan Roosegaarde calls it ‘techno poetry.’

‘Technology is used here not merely functional but also as a tool to create intimacy as well as privacy on a direct, personal level which in our contemporary tech society is becoming increasingly important.’ He said.

Blah blah blah…tits.

Teaspoons are a dangerous thing. You can STIR things with them, hang them on the end of your nose – and even bend them like Uri Geller. They’re definitely one of the world’s biggest threats to safety and should be under lock and key at all times, like guns, hunting knives and Anthrax spores.

teaspoons Tesco refuses to sell teaspoons to people under 18

Well, that’s what Tesco seem to think. When poor 16 year old Liam Whelan from Lancashire went to buy some teaspoons from there, on the instructions of his Mam, he was stopped at the self-service till with the warning that he was underage. A staff member was called and refused to sell him the dangerous spoons because he wasn’t 18.

Liam, in convulsions of teenage humilation, was left red faced by the ‘ordeal.’

‘It was embarrassing enough buying teaspoons, but to get refused was even worse. I wasn’t with anyone but the supermarket was busy and I did know some of the other customers.’

(Buying teaspoons. SO embarrassing. FML).

Tesco were sympathetic to Liam’s tiny-spooned plight.

‘We do include a till prompt for proof of age on our self-service tills for some items. We ask our colleagues to use their judgment as to whether this should be applied. In this instance, this was not followed and we apologise to our customer for any inconvenience caused.’

Inconvenience? Poor Liam will never be able to hold his head high again. EVERYBODY WAS LOOKING AT HIM.

Another bootleg DVD with a killer review

March 10th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

You may recall a fine, fine review spotted on a dodgy bootleg of Old Boy we shared (if you missed it, have a look here) and it seems to be quite the thing in the Far East.

Now, a knock-off of Shrek sees another killer one-line review which says “good, but not great.” Wouldn’t it be nice if all film blurb was that honest?

Bh5lYLYCIAARihZ 375x500 Another bootleg DVD with a killer review

[via twitter/larsenaround]

Do you want a free pass to heaven? You’re in luck

February 14th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

PythonGod 300x225 Do you want a free pass to heaven? Youre in luckDo you believe in God? Are you one of those people that doesn’t really believe, but is worried about the off-chance that there might be something higher than us, so you’d like to keep your spiritual toe in because you’d rather be in heaven than hell?

Well, you don’t have to worry about being moral or good anymore because you can by a heavenly favour from eBay, thanks to one selfless soul.

You can now bid on a ‘credit in heaven’. Buying your way into the choir invisible? That’s what Masons do, so why not avoid all that knee-tickling nonsense and idly win an internet auction instead, while scratching your arse in front of the telly?

The listing says: “I have, from time to time, done voluntary work for a Christian church. The pastor has told me that my work has earned me credit in heaven.”

“I’m not a Christian, and I don’t think I’ll get to heaven, so I would like to sell my credit to someone who can use it.”

“I can’t give any details about how much credit there is, or how to claim it, but I am assured that it’s a very good thing to have.”

So there you have it. Win this bid, and you don’t have to worry about going to church, Christenings, prayer, being nice to anyone, not murdering, your inevitable suicide attempts or any of that rubbish because, if you win this, you’ll already be on God’s good side.

Feel free to bid right here, amen,

mcdonalds logo Customer opens fire in McDonalds because theres no baconHow much do you like bacon? Not as much as the lady who shot a gun at the staff in her local McDonald’s because they had no rashers for her.

The staff forgot to put some oinker on her burger and, instead of getting staff to sort it out, she whipped out a gun and fired it through the drive-thru window.

McJesusWept!

Police reports say Shaneka Monique Torres and her pal had ordered a meal from a McDonald’s in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Staff ballsed the order up so the manager offered the pair a free meal the next time they were in the area.

Later, around 3am, the pair returned for more McDonald’s grub. However, the staff messed the order up again, forgetting to put bacon on Shaneka’s bun. The way Torres deals with poor customer service, it seems, is to jump out of your car and fire a single round through a drive-thru window.

Mercifully, no-one was injured in the incident.

It doesn’t end there. Apparently, before she shot up a building, Torres had been flirting with the manager who offered her the free meal. So much so that they’d exchanged numbers. Of course, this made it incredibly easy for the police to find the trigger happy troublemaker and she was promptly arrested for committing three felonies and Judge Kimberly Schaefer set a bail of US$50,000.

Incredible.

Hungry? Eat out a clever slag

February 3rd, 2014 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Isn’t it nice when foreign words mean something funny or inappropriate in English? Cock soup, tins of ‘Shitto’ and bags of Jussipussi abound.

However, you need the perfectly innocent Clever Slag in your life because you’ve been eating out too many stupid things.

BfaDO95CYAAS3Hp 500x375 Hungry? Eat out a clever slag

Confessions of a Window Company…

February 3rd, 2014 5 Comments By Mof Gimmers

If you visit the Halifax Trade Windows website, you’ll find it is a hugely unremarkable place. However, when they run adverts, they are a lot more saucy.

As you can see below, they’re using the kind of chat and imagery you might find in a London phonebox, with risque chat about PVC and all manner of whipping and bondage stuff.

pvc Confessions of a Window Company...

Full marks to anyone who enjoyed and spotted ‘Sod House’ as well.

[spotted by avid Bitterwallet reader, Nikki]

 

a typical woman 214x300 Woman calls 999 after trying on clothes for too long

A lady, yesterday

The folks over at M.E.N. have stumbled across a story where a woman called 999, trapped inside a Miss Selfridge store.

The lady in question called the emergency services after she was trying clothes on for so long that all the staff closed up and went home. She must take an age getting ready before going out, eh readers?

The paper said:

“The shopper rang police shortly before 8pm last night to say she was trapped inside the city centre shop and needed help.”

“Around five minutes later police received another call from the woman to say staff had returned to the Market Street store and let her out.”

A Greater Manchester Police spokesman indeed verified that a lady had called 999 at 7.57pm on Wednesday evening after getting locked inside the shop.

Every hole’s a goal, apparently

January 28th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Ever wanted to fire a jet of your goo down a dark hole? Ever wanted to obliterate a load of compacted brown stuff with your powerful, arcing liquid?

Well, you should visit www.EveryHolesaGoal.com which will allow you to do exactly that.

BfDVNJSIAAAlkrH 500x281 Every holes a goal, apparently

Of course, this is a bawdy marketing campaign by Buster, who make gunk that unblocks sinks and the such. If you like your products on the side of FNARR!, then this is the one for you, pappy.

Exploding bra that detects true love

January 27th, 2014 9 Comments By Mof Gimmers

true love bra Exploding bra that detects true loveIt is hard to know when you’re in love. Maybe you get a knot of excitement in your stomach and feel weak at the knees. Or maybe, you find yourself thinking about someone all the time while masturbating furiously? Or maybe it is a palpable sense of desperation that sweats out of your back like you’re Moe Syzlak?

Either way, scientists have had to test all these things for a new bra which can only be taken off if the lady wearing it is feeling the love.

In fact, this bra isn’t taken off, rather, it automatically unhooks itself when the wearer feels excited.

The bra – called the True Love Tester – was made in conjunction with ”human sexuality specialists” to create a “revolutionary new bra that knows how women truly feel.”

The device will detect whether a lady is in love (or on a rollercoaster or maybe watching Idris Elba on the telly or mashed out of her mind on MDMA) and, hey presto! Her underwear will explode off her body whether she likes it or not!

At least you’ll know if your girlfriend really fancies someone else now. Anyway, have a look at the commercial for the bra below and just imagine all the bras pinging into the air at a Take That gig.