Posts Tagged ‘Odd stuff’

The bill? Oh, Jesus is paying for it

October 22nd, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

jesus christ 225x300 The bill? Oh, Jesus is paying for itYou may have heard the phrase “let Jesus take the wheel”, but letting Jesus Christ of Nazareth pick up the tab when you’ve had a gutful of food and horsed a load of booze into you? That’s a new one on us.

However, that’s exactly what one woman in Lawton, Oklahoma did after she had a lovely evening in a restaurant where she may or may not have broken the gluttony commandment.

Of course, trying to fob your bill off onto a deity isn’t the best idea because, as you know, Jesus doesn’t have a credit card (debt is a sin) and the holes in the palms of his hands means he can’t hold loose change. Kristi Rhines was arrested on the scene by baffled police members at Mexican restaurant El Chico.

It started off reasonably well when Kristi told staff members that she had no way of paying, because her husband would be along to settle the tab.

Sadly for staff, Rhines was convinced she was married to Jesus Christ. Funnily enough, she has no official wedding license. However, she was sure of the return of Christ and that he would “be able to walk in and produce U.S. currency to pay for her bill.”

Rhines with fraud and booked her into the Lawton City Jail.

Kristi could’ve avoided this whole nonsense simply by staying at home and making Jesus cook for her. She would’ve only had to buy one fish and a loaf.

People often like to have a bit of fun with their online orders. Someone asked for their shopping to be delivered by someone in a penguin suit (and they obliged) while others have given dinosaurs with orders.

Well, one hungry redditor ordered a couple of pizzas with some caveats.

B0djzzdCMAAdtmA Behold the silly pizza order about spiders and revenge!

As you can see, the customer asked for a crispier than normal pizza crust with the note of “if that’s not vague enough – make it like you’re taking revenge on a cheating boyfriend BUT you still want to reconcile in the not too distant future.” As for the delivery guy, he was told to keep an eye out for a spider called Frank.

There’s three potential responses to this:

1. Urgh! Arseholes! Why won’t they let people just do their jobs without being so bloody wacky and trying to get internet famous all the time! I hope they spat on their pizzas!
2. Aw! How funny! Adding a little humour to the mundane! How fantastic!
3. $20 for two pizzas? Sign me up!

You can decide which category you fall in for yourself.

Shopper gets hit by 25mph mobility scooter in Tesco

October 15th, 2014 6 Comments By Mof Gimmers

mobility scooter 300x168 Shopper gets hit by 25mph mobility scooter in TescoIf you’re shopping at a Tesco in Plymouth, you’d better watch out because it sounds like there’s gangs of hoodlums charging about on mobility scooters.

One shopper has been injured after he was sent flying by an old bloke on his mobility scooter.

Bruce Storr, the man on the receiving end, reckons that the old coot was doing around 25 mph when he got hit, chipping a bone and leaving him hurt and confused. Police are investigating the collision that happened in the Plymouth Tesco, but the driver has not been charged by the cops.

Now, mobility scooters don’t actually go faster than 8mph, but Bruce Storr is a 67 year old lorry driver and he is sure that it was going three times the speed of that.

He said: “I was at the paper stand picking up a newspaper when he came shooting out of the aisle where they keep the videos and DVDs. It was doing about 25mph – being a HGV driver I am a very good judge of speed.”

“Hit me on the backside. I was knocked backwards by a good five or six feet and landed on my shoulder and my head. I was on the floor when the ambulance came and they took me to A&E. The police were also there and spoke to witnesses and took statements. I didn’t see much else but my Granddaughter said he was a grumpy old man, swinging his legs around like he didn’t care. He didn’t apologise.”

Remember that – lorry drivers are a very good judge of speed.

A spokesman for Devon and Cornwall Police said: “The man was taken to hospital with minor injuries and police attended the scene. Inquiries are ongoing.”

Anyone for an Ebola toy?

October 15th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Want to get your loved one something special for Christmas this year? Maybe you want to get them a weekend break in Italy? Perhaps you want to buy them jewellery?

Or maybe you want to buy them some Ebola?

Well, if the latter is your thing, we’ve got just the thing as there’s an Ebola plush toy you can buy from a company called GIANTmicrobes®, who are dedicated to making toys “designed as a teaching tool to help small children learn about the importance of handwashing.”

ebola toy Anyone for an Ebola toy?

It’ll set you back $9.95 for one a million times the size of actual Ebola, or if you’d like a gigantic version, that’ll cost you $29.95, with an additional $14.95 for the accompanying petri dish.

You’d be advised from avoiding taking your Ebola onto a plane though, for fear of men in frightening suits coming to throw you off onto the airport tarmac.

Click here if you want to buy one.

fat blogger 294x300 Charging your phone in a bedroom makes you fatHere’s a thing you probably didn’t know – charging your phone in your bedroom while you sleep is making you fat.

That’s the slightly barmy findings from a study by the University of Granada.

They reckon that artificial light from phone screens, street lights, laptops or television stops the body generating a hormone that combats obesity.

So that’s why you’re lardy, obviously. Not those 8 packets of shortbread fingers and a share bag of Doritos you had after your tea, all by yourself. It’s your phone’s screen.

You need Melatonin to regulate sleep patterns and it is a powerful anti-inflammatory that boosts the metabolism.

The scientists resorted to trying it out on rats, and saw that increased consumption of the hormone made them lose weight and also fought type two diabetes. Naturally they believe it can have the same effect on humans. Countries around the world are starting to strain at the edges due to an increase in obesity rates and diabetes.

Professor Agil, who lead the study, said: “Currently this process is frequently interrupted, as a result of excessive exposure to artificial lightning during the night, which reduces the levels of endogenous melatonin. For instance, many people are in the habit of sleeping with their lamps, televisions or their computers switched on, or with the blinds drawn up.”

“For all these reasons, it is important to try to sleep in absolute darkness, to avoid interference in the generation of melatonin.”

So there you have it.

Look at the state of this chartered accountant

October 3rd, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Initially, we were going to say ‘here’s a picture of Jonathan Franks, a chartered accountant, presented without comment’.

However, it really is very difficult to look at a berk in a suit, posing with a guitar, trying to jazz up a chartered accountancy advert without thinking of all the swear words simultaneously, as well as being flooded with irritation and looming pity.

Seriously. There were so many opportunities to make sure this photo didn’t happen, yet…

BaltFA8CEAADjJA 500x375 Look at the state of this chartered accountant

This photo was stolen from a twitter account.

LG fail at trolling Apple thanks to using iPhone

September 29th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Trolling, done properly, is an artform. People mistake simply abusing someone as trolling. Trolling is when you get someone apoplectic with frustration without them knowing you were just getting a rise out of them.

Well, LG in France thought they’d mock Apple during the awfully named ‘Bendgate’*, but they dropped a clanger.

lg france tweet on bendgate 500x375 LG fail at trolling Apple thanks to using iPhone

While LG were chuckling to themselves at their very modern marketing jape, everyone pointed out that they’d mocked Apple while using Twitter on an iPhone.

The company said in their tweet, while talking about the LG G Flex smartphone: “Our phone doesn’t bend, it flexes…on purpose. #bendgate”

But the bloody idiots forgot to send the tweet from their desktop or, indeed, the LG G Flex which would’ve been a secure, tight trolling. Not only were they failing to mock Apple, but they were also inadvertently saying; ‘Hey! Buy our phones, even though our social media team doesn’t believe in them and would rather own a handset from a rival!’

The tweet was removed once LG had discovered the “issue”, but alas, everyone had already got a screengrab. Still, LG will be happy enough that they’re getting any coverage at all during the current Apple-fest, even if it does make them look like thundering bozos.

*As an aside, why do we add ‘gate’ on the end of things? If that was the correct procedure, Nixon would’ve been embroiled in Watergategate.

The bar for pregnant women

September 29th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Ever wondered why there wasn’t a bar that was ideal for pregnant women? Well, someone in New York had the same thought and went and set the thing up and called it ‘Gestations’.

Now you’ll be able to breathe out your beer gut because it won’t look nearly as large next to a women who is resting a craft ale on her 7 month pregnancy belly.

Gestations at Fifth Street and Avenue A proclaims: “All you mothers-to-be should come check out our trimester specials and our 9-month happy hour because now you’re drinking for two!”

gestations 2 500x185 The bar for pregnant women

On Gestations Facebook page, the bar claims that expectant mums are perfect patrons because they can fit more booze in: “The bigger the belly, the more you can drink. True for men and pregnant women #gestationsny.”

The bar even got a billboard up in Times Sqaure.

gestations 500x272 The bar for pregnant women

Of course, not many are happy about this.

One disgruntled sort said on the bar’s FB page: “this is really sick, a real disparate, how would you entice a pregnant woman to drink alcohol which will take effects on the unborn, this is really ridiculous. I would call on the Dept of Health, to close this stupid peoples door business that are endangering the health of the unborn. umbelievable ..!!!!!!

That comment may have been made under the influence – we just don’t know. Another said: “It’s insane . . . I think it portrays a poor image.”

The bar also said online: “#gestationsny will have free pregnancy test kits when you buy a pitcher. Check out our profile on #BARTRENDr to see what else we’ll carry.”

However, the bar haven’t actually applied for a liquor licence, so this might be some sort of Earth Mother’s Juice Bar or something, who just have some novelty adverts to drum up attention.

No-one has been running Tesco’s finance for months

September 25th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

tesco NEW No one has been running Tescos finance for monthsLaugh At Tesco Week continues apace with the news that their board is having a nervous breakdown when they found out that no director had been in charge of Tesco’s finances for the past five months.

Even though chairman Sir Richard Broadbent said that the former finance director Laurie McIlwee had been working on a part-time basis (with the fabulous job title of ’CFO Emeritus’) since quitting, turns out that was a load of cobblers and that Tesco are running their multinational company like a provincial chip shop.

Amazing.

It looks like Sir Richard’s position is somewhat untenable, what with this and the small matter of Tesco’s £250m profit shortfall.

Tesco announced that McIlwee’s replacement, Alan Stewart, was being brought in two months ahead of when he was supposed to start, presumably ringing him up and saying; ‘Can you start early mate? We need to get things running professionally again and we’re running out of a bollocks to drop.’

Sir Broadbent was asked about McIlwee’s absence and he said that he “was available to us to oversee that transition but he has not been in the office this weekend.” adding that: “He’s not in the office because, as I said, he was not directly involved and has not been directly involved in the recent days and weeks.”

Basically, since McIlwee quit, Tesco have been issuing profit warnings all over the place. It has been quite extraordinary.

In the statement last night, Tesco said: “Tesco stated on the 4th of April that until he officially left the company in October, Laurie McIlwee would be available to carry out transitional activities and support handover with colleagues as required.”

“During the transition period Laurie has in fact not been called upon by Tesco and has not been involved or had any input to any financial matters or held any position of responsibility in the company.”

The result of all this is City investors, who are dumping tens of millions of Tesco shares. The whole company, it seems, is about as slick as peanut brittle drying in your hair.

There’s inevitably going to be more laughs to be had at Tesco’s expense. They really are a farce.

Talking phone gets nana in a right state

September 23rd, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

This has been doing the rounds, but always worth sharing on the off-chance you haven’t seen it. Dr Emma Wilson wrote into the Guardian to say that her nana’s mobile phone had turned her into a wreck.

The letter says that the mobile spoke to gran, and left her in a “state of physical and emotional collapse” after she gave it what-for with that potty mouth of hers.

Bx9sTwSCQAAIDPl 343x500 Talking phone gets nana in a right state

 

All hail Nana Wilson and her dirty language.

Chat Magazine: Asking the tough questions

September 23rd, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Here at Bitterwallet, we’ve clearly been letting you readers down by not asking the big, important questions that concern all consumers and bargain-lovers.

Chat Magazine have been showing us how it is done, with the fabulous question over on Facebook: “You can have £1 off anything, what would it be?”

chat mag fb Chat Magazine: Asking the tough questions

 

Some of the answers were very enlightening. One Chat fan said “fruit!”, while another excitingly added “margarine”. One cheeky scamp said “oooh anything from Poundland”, which in turn prompted loads of another people to say almost the same thing, while another impishly added: “A pound off my boobs lol”

Another added, seemingly from nowhere: “My kebab that should be here n e min…..i deserve it!”

Anyway, seeing as we’re not engaging you, if you’d like to join in the fun and not in any way go a make a mockery of the whole process, you can click here to visit the Facebook update.

For the record, we’d like £1 off dildos.

Made.com congratulate Scotland on their independence

September 19th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

The Scottish Independence Referendum (or, ‘neverendum’ for those who have been furiously bored by the whole thing) has had a lot of people debating and musing, and when that happens, you can bet your ass that a load of people in marketing are looking at ways of getting on board with the whole thing.

Made.com got a bit trigger happy, congratulating the Scottish on their new found independence… that didn’t happen.

IMG 0864 381x500 Made.com congratulate Scotland on their independence

 

What with Scotland still being part of Britain for the time being, the email will have no doubt offered Scots a painful glimpse into a future they could’ve had, where they could’ve had a bunch of navy blue things in their houses.

Obviously, navy blue things are banned now.

Made.com realised their error and sent another email out, which was inspired by the Union Jack, which will serve to offer certain Scots the bleak realisation that they’re tied to David Cameron for a while yet.

IMG 0867 347x500 Made.com congratulate Scotland on their independence

 

Now, all Scottish people who voted ‘Yes’ will be required to store all their broken dreams in a £179 ‘Jack Upholstered storage box’ while watching their hopes float away while sat on a £769 ‘Edward Jack Armchair’.

Cruel business this politics lark.

Boy drops first iPhone6 on TV

September 19th, 2014 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Imagine for a second, you’re the kind of berk who sleeps rough outside a shop, so you can get your hands on a telephone before everyone else.

Well, over in Perth (the Australian one), a young fella was the first person to get his hands on a new iPhone6 and the TV crews rushed over to him to say ‘Well?’ and the answer of course would’ve been ‘Yep. That’s an iPhone alright’

However, Jack, the owner of the phone managed to drop it on the floor.

As you can see in the video, there’s seemingly no lasting damage to the handset, which is a shame. It would’ve been great to see it smash into a million pieces, but there you go.

Man fined for headbutting sausage roll machine

September 17th, 2014 7 Comments By Ian Wade

sausage rolls Man fined for headbutting sausage roll machineSausage roll news now, and a baker has been prosecuted for head-butting a sausage roll machine in anger when it stopped working properly.

The baker, Shane Thompson who is 22, had been working on the £27,000 computer-controlled machine, and something went awry, he lost his mind and head-butted the display screen

He head-butted with such force, he created a crack measuring six by four inches on the display scren

His bosses reckon it would cost £3,204 to fix, Prosecutor Kathryn Reeve told the court in Scarborough.

It was at his time at Yorkshire Baker, which he’d been happily working at for 17 months previously, where he lost his bap.

His former bosses docked £295 from his wages to cover the cost of the damage and wanted the £2,909 balance, the court heard. Defending solicitor Robert Vining said: “The defendant is at a total loss to understand how butting a glass screen and cracking it results in that piece of equipment being worthless.”

“He admits he became frustrated with the equipment. It was not making the pastry properly so he lost his temper and head-butted the glass screen and cracked it.”

We’ve all done it, yeah?

He was given a 12-month conditional discharge and ordered to pay £720 compensation towards the cost of repairing the machine. Thompson has since found a new job as ride operator at Flamingo Land theme park.

Is there anyone on Earth with a better CV than Shane Thompson? We’re quite serious.

At last! The selfie hat!

September 15th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

selfie hat 207x300 At last! The selfie hat!It’s London Fashion Week! And you know what, where better a place than to showcase this marvellous selfie sombrero. Say that again to yourself, out loud.

“Selfie sombrero.”

The ‘brainchild’ (used very loosely in this case) of designer Christian Cowan-Sanluis and Acer, the Selfie Hat is a snip at £599.

Yes, for just £599, you could model the hat, which is able to spin and take pictures of you from all angles and is dubbed the ‘Christian Cowan-Sanluis x Acer Selfie-Hat’, it really is quite the thing.

Cowan-Sanluis has designed for that Lady Gaga in the past, so ‘reasonably normal’ is probably not a brief he adheres to.

The camera will assess which is your best side, as well as documenting these and posting them to social networks on your behalf. It’s probably at this point when concerned friends will wonder if you’re having some form of mental breakdown.

Acer, possibly pissing on a bucket of cash, claim: “We wanted to work with someone young and fresh, that not only understands the selfie culture, but both currently is part of it and works with people in it”.

Cowan-Sanluis explains: “With the hat, we wanted to take an element from my last collection, but correspondingly integrate the most popular zeitgeist there is in technology at the moment, the selfie. We also wanted to give it a fun and playful approach, but that in the end helps the user to better understand their face when taking a self-portrait.”

“There has been a lot of articles over the last year looking at how the selfie has gotten so big and being monetised on, celebrities such as Kim Kardashian making a selfie book and the term becoming part of mainstream society.”

“But on the other side, a lot of people taking selfies struggle to find the full potential of their front-facing camera when they use their hand. The hat helps to perfect the shot, either if it’s a cute, sexy or silly selfie.”

It is literally the worst thing ever.