Posts Tagged ‘Odd stuff’

iPhone cooks man’s leg after exploding

March 3rd, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

We haven’t had a tale of a mobile phone exploding for a while, but this latest one is a corker, thanks to the man in question being so descriptive of his injuries.

The iPhone that (allegedly) blew-up in a man’s pocket was hot searingly hot that he claimed that people around him said that they could ‘smell his body burning’.

Erik Johnson was at a party when he heard a pop in his pocket, then some fizzing and smoke, before his leg started to burn. The heat was so extreme that it melted his trouser pocket closed.

“I was literally jumping up and down trying to get the phone out of my pocket, but I think the phone melted my pockets shut so I couldn’t get into it and I had to rip my pants off and throw the pants to the side,” he told ABC.

“A couple of people actually said they could smell my body burning,”

Erik was forced to go to hospital and spend 10 days there after suffering third degree burns. Of course, this isn’t the first time time iPhones have been said to explode, with one teenager saying his went off like a rocket, and another student with a molten mobile. We’d like to see this becoming fashionable again.

£11.50 for a pint, anyone?

March 2nd, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

beer 300x225 £11.50 for a pint, anyone?

In some places – we’re looking at you, craft beer nerds – you won’t get much change from a fiver when buying yourself a pint. Of course, there’s pubs out there that’ll charge you a couple of quid for some booze, but across the country, prices are going up.

So someone’s peered into the future to see how much a pint will cost in 25 years’ time. Experts at Lloyds bank reckon we’ll be shelling out £11.50 for a pint of beer, which seems preposterous. Still, at least we’ll have autonomous cars by then to drive us home when we’re leathered.

That’s not all Lloyds have been working out. They also reckon that the cost of a loaf of bread in 2040 will be £4.20 and a dozen eggs is going to set you back £6.02.

Our wages will have gone up by 6p in that time, no doubt.

A spokesperson for Lloyds burped: “The average price of a pint has grown a staggering 294 times over the past 100 years, from an average of just 1p.”

Imagine that. 1p a pint. You’d have showers in booze. Anyway, this data was gathered by comparing the price of stuff in 1914, compared to the present day. You can only imagine how much our household bills will be by then, as the Big Six join forces to charge everyone for use of the sun to heat up our solar panels.

Cheese and biscuits, but not as you know it

March 2nd, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

You’ve had a nice meal and you order some nice cheese and biscuits to finish things off with. You’re in the mood for something else, but you don’t want a sweet pudding.

You know how it is.

Well, Diane Murray did exactly that, but her order wasn’t at all what she was expecting. She got cheese. She got biscuits. The problem, however, was the type of biscuit.

B A0cq4W0AA1YOt 500x332 Cheese and biscuits, but not as you know it

That’s right! Instead of a nice savoury biscuit and some crackers, Diane ended up with some bourbons and custard creams with her cheeses. And whatever those knock-off Jammy Dodgers with cream in the middle of them are called.

Mercifully, she thought it was funny and said that she’d reveal the place that served up this unusual treat in return for a Comic Relief donation, which is nice.

She tweeted: “@stephkerr: Cheese and biscuits – if anyone pledges to comic relief I’ll tell them which hotel they can get this in”, with the above photo attached.

We’d go for a custard cream with some brie on it. You know it makes sense.

Create energy by jacking off!

February 27th, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Do you… erm… like to feel pleased a lot of the time? Do you spend your downtime by… umm… beating up the wookie? Well, if that sounds like you, there’s a gadget that could help you save the planet while you throw yourself into an onanistic fever.

Those scamps at PornHub have made a video about some wearable technology called the ‘Wankband’, which basically sits on your wrist and, with the movement of your wrist, creates energy.

With this thing, you can ‘love the planet, by loving yourself’.

You work, create the energy and then plug your phone, tablet or whatever, into the wrist band and, hey presto, you’re charging your device with the power of love.

Of course, the product is unisex and apparently, you can sign-up as a beta tester for the thing, which you sign-up for over at the smut vendor’s site. Might be best to not access that if you’re at work, unless you have a great game face and are able to tell your superiors that, yes, you’re accessing a dirty site at work, but you’re doing it to help reduce their electricity bills.

The power is in your hands.

To stop this bus, shout “Ding Ding”

February 25th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Travelling on a bus can be a miserable affair at the best of times and, as we know, there’s too many buses that are in a bit of a state when you get on them.

One bus in Yorkshire had a problem with the buttons that you press, which ring the bell to signal to the bus driver that you want to get off at the next stop. Well, Barnsley folk won’t let a little thing like that get in the way of anything. Forget getting maintenance teams out and all that faff – just write a note like this.

Problem solved.

B7QYuugIAAAFPjE 500x375 To stop this bus, shout Ding Ding

As you can see, the sign says “Bells not working. If you want bus to stop, shout ‘Ding Ding’.” It is impossible to read that without doing it in a Yorkshire accent.

Of course, this sign is bad news for those who too shy to shout or, indeed, can’t read. Either way, we like this system of fixing menial problems. More of it please!

[via Twitter]

London opens Owl Bar

February 24th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

owl London opens Owl BarAs adults slide increasingly toward being dribbling babies, what with cereal cafes, adult ball pools and and places where you pay for a brew with cuddles, now, London is to get an Owl Bar.

We’re just waiting for someone to open up a restaurant where you can go in your pyjamas and actually breastfeed while soiling yourself.

That’s getting ahead of ourselves though, so back to owls. In Soho, you’ll be able to drink cocktails while sitting in a bar that has some owls in it. You can sip your drink while a bird of prey vomits up a sack full of mouse bones. How lovely.

This one in London is going to be open from 8pm to 2am, because owls like to sleep in the day and, if you’re wanting to gawp at this place, it is called ‘Annie The Owl’, and named after a bird of the same name. Annie will be joined by six other owls as well, who will no doubt enjoy time spent around drunk humans trying to put cigarillos in their beaks.

The tickets, which are being issued by ballot, cost £20 and include two cocktails and you can find out more about it here. Profits from the tickets go toward the The Barn Owl Centre charity, which is kinda nice. The owls probably need some counselling after being thrown into such a hipster hell when all they want to do is eat the face off a small mammal and be left in peace.

brain jar Want to go online? Activate the chip implanted in your brain!Are you tired of having to hold things in your hands and poke at devices with your beautiful, delicate fingers? Want to get online without all the hassle of moving your arms, but don’t fancy the idea of Google Glass (then again, no-one does)?

Well, you’re in luck! That’s because a research division of the U.S. military is working on a chip (roughly the size of 10p piece) which is put in your brain and works like a computer from there. If you want to access some dirty films online, you’d simply have to think about it.

That could be a problem if you spend all day thinking about dirty films and you’re in a meeting with human resources and all you can see is a load of sweaty limbs and bodily fluids. It all sounds like a science fiction film doesn’t it? And they never run smoothly.

This idea has been hatched up by the brilliant people at the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) who basically get paid to come up with crazy ideas and then try and execute them. That said, some of the things they’re partly responsible for are a predecessor to the internet, so they’re not daft.

“The short term goal of the project is the development of a device about the size of two stacked nickels with a cost of goods on the order of $10 which would enable a simple visual display via a direct interface to the visual cortex with the visual fidelity of something like an early LED digital clock,” report Humanity+.

“The implications of this project are astounding.”

Thus far, the research has tried it out on a bunch of fish, so it is too early to say how this is going. Besides, to fish even use the internet? Would they even know where to find dirty films with the use of their brains? Either way, when Samsung start installing bloatware into your mind, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Krispy Kreme in KKK balls-up

February 18th, 2015 5 Comments By Mof Gimmers

kkk 300x300 Krispy Kreme in KKK balls upThe KKK are not a nice bunch and have done a whole host of appalling things in their time and everyone – ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE – knows this. They’re really famously an awful, awful crowd.

Apart from, it seems, if you work for the Krispy Kreme in Hull, where some bright spark created an event called ‘KKK Wednesday’ as part of their calendar of activities. KKK Wednesdays, of course, were designed to keep Hull’s children entertained during the half-term.

So, while the children of the North can enjoy colouring-in on Colouring Tuesday, on a Wednesday, there’s a delightful course in white supremacy and lynching for little Jemima and Frankie. You can imagine the kids might be taught which wood is best to use for a burning cross and which methods are best for tying nooses while your hands are cold.

Krispy Kreme shared their image on Facebook to let everyone know about the events going on, which means that a whole team of people missed the glaring ‘KKK’ they were accidentally promoting. Social media, naturally, were quick to spot it and point out the error.

Have a look at it. There it is. ‘KKK Wednesday’.

Krispy Kreme 500x500 Krispy Kreme in KKK balls up

A Krispy Kreme spokesperson told the Mirror that the company apologises “unreservedly for the inappropriate name of a customer promotion at one of our stores”.

“All material has been withdrawn and an internal investigation is currently underway.”

Cash machine gives out double, to the delight of all!

February 13th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

reg varney cash machine 300x300 Cash machine gives out double, to the delight of all!The good people of Stanground were having a lovely time this week while they were doing some shopping, as they collectively discovered that a cash machine was giving out  double the amount tapped-in.

Those shopping at Morrisons found the holy grail of a machine that spits out more than you’ve asked for, meaning that there’s going to be some boozing done this weekend. The community-thinking people of Stanground soon passed the word around and soon enough, everyone was rinsing the glitchy machine.

Strong work.

According to Peterborough Today, two fellas went home and got every card they had so they could double their money. Thanks to this, the machine was mobbed. It was probably glowing bright red by the time it had been emptied.

A spokeswoman for Morrisons said: “We were quickly notified that a fault had occurred with the Link cash machine outside of our store. Our colleagues attended, switched the faulty ATM off and notified the bank. The Link bank is coming to repair the machine today.”

So if you know anyone in Stanground, now’s the perfect time to ask to borrow a tenner.

[Spotters badge goes to avid BW fan, Joffff]

Are these the creepiest adverts ever?

February 13th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

It is incredibly difficult to get your adverts noticed above everyone else’s, but one crematorium has hit on something that’s got people talking about them – being so dark and weird that it chills people’s blood.

Adverts for St Louis Cremation, which ran in a magazine called Town and Style St Louis Magazine, have ended up online. For all the world, they look like bleak riddles left by a serial killer.

For example, look at this horrifying thing.

25946 u4nop6 Are these the creepiest adverts ever?

Honestly. It’s enough to make you cry all the water out of your body. There’s more too, and every single one of them feels like a coded message from someone who could strike again.

25946 11bwfpe Are these the creepiest adverts ever?

 

AAAARGH! THEY’RE HORRIBLE!

The St Louis Cremation crew have this to say: ”Thank you all for your feedback in regards to our marketing campaign. Our most recent advertisement was intended to be a lighthearted ad with no underlying message. We missed the mark on getting our intended message to the public. Our intent was for top of mind awareness, not a call to action. We plan to discontinue this campaign and to pour all of our efforts into what we do best: taking care of our families by honouring their loved ones.”

We’re now looking for secret messages in that too…

Want to hide dirty films on YouTube? Do it in Irish!

February 12th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

porn Want to hide dirty films on YouTube? Do it in Irish!YouTube are pretty good at removing inappropriate material from their website, thanks to a number of algorithms that flag material for them. However, on the video-site, it seems there’s been a load of dirty films uploaded to it, missed because they were tagged in Irish.

The mucky films hung around on YouTube for four whole months, contravening all manner of policies that say the site can’t host sexually explicit imagery.

So what happened? Well, a man was looking for some non-bongo films to watch and, being Irish, he looked for the Gaelic word for ‘film’, which is ‘scannán’. What he found was a load of X-rated films. So, he did what anyone would do – he rose to his feet, took a deep breath, rubbed his hands together and shouted for his roommate who happens to be Irish language journalist Maitiú Ó Coimín.

The writer looked into it a little more – for investigative purposed of course and told the Irish Independent: “I looked a bit further into it, and there were about 15 to 20 films of a questionable nature. These were real pornographic films.”

YouTube had no idea about the films, clearly, but were quick to sort it out, removing the films found. YouTube issued a quick statement, saying: “YouTube’s community guidelines clearly state that sexually explicit content is not allowed on our site. We remove videos and channels that violate our policies when flagged for our attention. YouTube staff review flagged videos 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to determine whether they violate our community guidelines.”

However, BW decided to search for ‘scannán’ on YouTube and, in among the trailers for films and all that, lo and behold, there’s some dirty movies for your viewing pleasure.

So, if you want to get stuff hosted on YouTube that is in violation of their rules, seems the best thing to do is pick a language that isn’t widely spoken. We look forward to searching for the Welsh or Basque words for ‘film’ (‘ffilmiau’ and ‘filmak’ respectively).

cafe tea coffee London gets a cuddle café where hugs equal moneyFirst, we had the cat cafés and then the cereal café, and now, there’s going to be one where you can pay for your brew with hugs. You heard. You’ll have to hug a complete stranger and turn yourself into an affection prostitute in exchange for a drink.

This is a PR stunt by McVitie’s who, with their meme-ready adverts of animals protruding from biscuit packets, are fully behind the infantilisation of adults, which seem to be all slowly turning into dribbling goons all set to lose their lives to tweeness and gaagaaing at fluffy things.

There’s going to be pop-up cuddle cafés in central London for two days, where they’ll dole out biscuits (invariably referred to as ‘biccies’) and brews in exchange for an embrace.

Just to add to the cloying sense of adult toddlerdom, there’s going to be some owls involved too.

This stunt is all part of an idea of Dr Stuart Farrimond, who is a hug researcher and he reckons that British folk are unhappy with the amount of cuddling in their lives, which he says are vital to our happiness and health. Apparently, hugs help to release oxytocin which reduces stress and increases happiness. That’s right – a grown adult telling us that hugs from a loved-one make us happy. He must work for the Metropolitan University Of Stating The Bleeding Obvious.

Dr Farrimond said: “My research not only discovered that cuddling a soft toy triggers a similar emotional response and health benefit to hugging a person, but also that the act of drinking a hot beverage can stimulate similar warm, positive feelings, so what better combination that a cuppa and a cuddle?”

Sarah Heynen, McVitie’s Marketing Director, said: “People are so busy these days, and lead such stressful lives, that we want to offer all of our visitors their very own form of ‘cuddle therapy’ coupled with a cup of tea, cakes, biscuits – and all for the price of a hug.”

The gaspingly awful McVitie’s Sweeet Cuddle Café will be popping up at 52 Tottenham Street, London on 10th and 11th February. Although, you could just buy a packet of biscuits for 70p down the shops and make a brew at home while sat in a silent, darkened room, thinking ‘we’ve gone to the dogs’ if you like.

As an aside, the McVitie’s adverts with animals trapped in biscuit packets always makes us think that they’ll end up emerging from them dead, which is anti-cute.

biscuits 500x349 London gets a cuddle café where hugs equal money

The onion that doesn’t make you weep

February 10th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

onion main Full 300x199 The onion that doesnt make you weepFirst, the shops started selling double yolker eggs, now you can buy an onion that doesn’t make you cry.

Of course, there’s going to be people acting hard, saying that onions don’t make them cry because nuffin makes me bawl mayte, but for the rest of us and our leaking sockets, this is truly the living end.

This weekend, just in-time for St Valentine’s Day for all you onion-based romantics, Asda will be selling onions that you can cut without looking like someone’s just pulled your pants down and dumped you at the school prom.

This witchcraft has been developed in Bedfordshire by someone called Alastair Findlay, who has given himself to the betterment of humankind, spent 20 years scarfing down around 500 onions in a bid to breed the tearless veg. He’s decided to call the variety, ‘Asda Sweet Red’.

Apparently, they’re quite sweet and Asda reckon that they’re delicious raw, which implies that they might be lousy if you stick them in a pan and start frying them. Either way, like Ribena Toothkind, we’ve now got Eyekind Onions.

What a world we live in. What appalling breath Alastair Findlay must have.

B&Q memo warns of 50 Shades rush

February 10th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

sex with glass B&Q memo warns of 50 Shades rushThe film of Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t too far away and a lot of people have a problem with it. Some don’t like the way the sex is portrayed, while others just don’t like the way the thing is written. That said, the book still sold in huge numbers and the film looks like it’ll be a hit at the box office.

Cinema staff aren’t the only ones bracing themselves for a sexual onslaught as a leaked memo from B&Q shows that they’re also expecting a lot of new customers.

The memo told staff to get ready for a surge in customers looking to buy rope, cable ties and masking tape thanks to the release of the film. It is worth pointing out that there’s ‘specialist shops’ that can get you these things where it won’t wreck your skin and they’ll deliver an internet order to save you from the queue at the till winking at you.

Anyway, the memo which was sent all B&Q staff is called: ‘Staff Briefing – Preparation for Fifty Shades of Grey Customer Queries’ which refers to a scene in the book where Christian Grey goes to a hardware shop to buy rope, tape and cable ties to scratch the itch of “Mr Grey’s unconventional sexual pursuits.”

Not only that, the memo says that staff should familiarise themselves with E.L. James’ book and that a load were being delivered to each store should the staff want to borrow it for a week so they can “assist customers in a polite, helpful and respectful manner.” Seems weird that – the company you work for lending you sex books.

Or not, of course – the whole thing could well be a PR stunt. Either way, the memo in full, says this:

Staff briefing - Preparation for Fifty Shades of Grey customer queries

Following the film release of Fifty Shades of Grey, B&Q employees may encounter increased customer product queries relating to rope, cable ties and masking or duck tape. Store Managers should anticipate the need for extra stock and store staff should read the following brief to prepare them to handle potentially sensitive customer questions.

What is happening?

On Saturday 14th February 2015 popular erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey will be released as a film and is expected to do well in the Box Office. Written by E.L. James, the story follows the relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young, successful business man, Christian Grey, who introduces her to the world of bondage and dominant/submissive sexual role play.

Preview footage depicts a notable scene from the book where Christian Grey visits a hardware store to purchase rope, cable ties and tape. Rather than bought for home improvement purposes, these products are intended to fulfil Mr Grey’s unconventional sexual pursuits.

Why does it affect us?

As the UK’s leading DIY store, we stock many of the products featured in this notable scene and then used later in the film. When the book was released in 2012 DIY and hardware stores in the UK and US reported increased demand of certain products and queries from customers as they tried to recreate their own ‘Fifty Shades’ experiences. We need to be prepared for the same effect when the film is released this month.

B&Q’s policy

It is always B&Q’s policy that products should only be used for their designed purposes. Nevertheless, all staff should read this briefing notice to prepare for potentially sensitive customer enquiries and managers need to be aware of the implications that the film may have on stock levels.

Staff briefing

All staff are encouraged to familiarise themselves with the content of Fifty Shades of Grey by reading the novel or watching the film upon its release. Copies of the book will be delivered to each store and can be lent to staff on a one week basis. Understanding the storyline and how some products that B&Q stock feature in the film will better prepare staff for incoming queries.

Queries may be unusual and sensitive in nature but staff are reminded of B&Q’s commitment to assist customers in a polite, helpful and respectful manner. A level of discretion is also advised.

Store managers are requested to monitor stock levels of rope, cable ties, masking tape and duck tape to ensure that supplies do not run low. Fifty Shades of Grey is released in cinemas on Saturday 14th February 2015 and the busiest sales periods for these products are expected to run from Sunday 15th February to Sunday 1st March 2015 with a focus on weekend trading.

The date for the DVD and home entertainment release of Fifty Shades of Grey is yet to be confirmed but a second briefing may be issued closer to that time.

Staff are asked to keep the contents of this briefing within the company.

If you have any questions or concerns relating to the contents of this briefing please speak to your regional manager.

Beyonce 300x187 Beyonce would like to Cater 2 U with vegan meals on wheelsBeyonce has launched a vegan food delivery service, believe it or not, straying dangerously close to becoming the new Linda McCartney or, worse still, turning into Gwyneth Paltrow and her steamed vagina.

Queen Bey wants us all to “join the plant-based revolution” and sign up to a thing called 22 Days Nutrition.

The site itself says that: “We believe in healthy dieting, not fad dieting” as well as believing in “fewer yawns per capita”, whatever that means. With that, they send out vegan food to your house every week, enabling vegans to tell anyone who’ll listen about them being a vegan. Over, and over, and over again.

Beyonce has set this enterprise up with her personal trainer, Marcos Borges, after she enjoyed her animal-free diet back in 2013. And the reason it is called ’22 Days Nutrition’ is because it apparently takes 21 days to turn something into a fully blown habit. We’d argue that it would take longer than 22 days to wean us off fried meat of any sort.

Beyonce said: “I am so grateful that I took the challenge and credit Marco with leading by example. He is the most energetic person I know and it’s all because of his decision to live a healthy lifestyle. He came up with a great program to get people motivated to make better nutritional choices. All you have to do is try. If I can do it, anyone can.”

Feel free to make your own ‘If I Were A Soy’, ‘Fruitlicious’ and ‘(I Can’t Stop) Pumpin’ Pumpin” jokes in the comments.