Posts Tagged ‘Odd stuff’

The WHAT teapot?

January 30th, 2015 4 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Naming a new business venture is tricky because, most of the time, you’re stuck with it. It’s like naming a band. You have to hope that everyone just gets used to a thing called Smashing Pumpkins or whatever.

And so to Uxbridge, where someone has opened up a cafe. No, not a cereal cafe or another idea that signals that adults are about a month away from turning into dribbling infantile dimwits, but rather, a normal cafe where you can get a brew or a butty.

However, there’s a small problem with the logo.

wonky teapot 500x373 The WHAT teapot?

 

Bitterwallet stared at this for a while, wondering what the cafe was called. We couldn’t work out anything that didn’t say ‘Wanky Teapot’.

Spotted by Twitter user Tony White with the comment: ‘The *what* Teapot Co? New cafe might need to work on its logo’, we stared and stared at it until someone else pointed out to us that it was in fact called the WONKY Teapot.

Either way, if you’re in Uxbridge a want a hot beverage, you’d be advised to proceed with caution if the staff ask you if you want cream.

Is this the most pretentious thing ever?

January 30th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Everyone hates pretentious stuff, but sometimes, you can put up with it because you get to drink nice wine or eat wonderful food as a result. If people want to get all lovie about it while you stuff your face, then fine.

However, sometimes, it goes way, way beyond. You think wine experts are a pain in the hole? Wait until you read the flowery prose of a Water Sommelier.

You heard.

B8hQCA IgAEJzs4 Is this the most pretentious thing ever?

Spotted by Sophie Gadd, the water sommelier says that “the most important role for water during a meal is to perfectly complement the taste experience”, which means drinking glacéau smartwater, which according to their own website, is “vapor-distilled” and “inspired by the clouds”.

You can read the rest for yourself, but please don’t blame us if you end up kicking yourself out of a window in frustration and horror. We’re all just going to have to get used to the fact that there are people in the world who are paid to match your water with food.

You’ll notice though, that Arno Steguweit is Europe’s “only water sommelier” and that, thus far, they’re only offering one brand, almost like they’re sponsored.

Feel free to appoint yourself the world’s only special brew sommelier.

UPS throw your package and pee on your house

January 29th, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

If you think you’ve had bad service from someone delivering a parcel, think again. The worst you go was unnecessary packaging, or maybe someone not knocking on the door when you’d stayed in to take the delivery.

Well, over in Houston, a UPS delivery man took it to the next level by lobbing a package over a fence and then taking a leak on the house he was delivering to.

Ben Lucas, the customer in question, has CCTV on his house and checked the footage after he got in and found his parcel all smashed up. And the best bit? Lucas was getting hundreds of dollars’ worth of ammo delivered, as well as chemicals and a gun-cleaning machine.

“You’re paying someone to take a package to go from point A to point B, so basically I paid someone to come to my house and pee on it,” Lucas ranted. “I don’t know how UPS trains their employees to go to the bathroom, but probably not someone’s yard.” He called UPS and offered to send them the offending video: “I just wanted them to hear me and maybe give me an email address where I could send them the video… they simply just didn’t want to see it.”

 

UPS didn’t apologise hard enough, more interested in the package than a man urinating on someone’s property, so Lucas thought he’d stick the video online to get his attention – most notably, on UPS’ Facebook page. It was then that someone from UPS took note and sent Lucas a “we’re sorry” card.

“I just wanted someone to say, ‘Yeah, he shouldn’t have done that — we’ll try to make sure that doesn’t happen again,’” Lucas added.

In a statement, the company said: “UPS was dismayed by actions that violated decency and delivery care. The local management team did take action to terminate the individual who was a seasonal delivery helper. However, they were wrong if they did not clarify this resolution with Mr. Lucas at the time. UPS sincerely apologises to our customer. No behaviour like this is acceptable.”

Terminate the individual? That seems a bit much UPS!

EGGS 300x199 EasterWatch: Marmite and Pot Noodle eggs are now thingsCalm down the rioting, lovers of Pot Noodle and Marmite, for there IS an Easter egg for you after all.

Yes, Unilever have brought out Easter eggs for both their unique products, which they hope will ‘broaden the appeal of Easter’. Bloody Hell.

Each egg will have flavours of each product embedded within the chocolate, which may sound a bit mental, but actually might be quite nice. However, we at Bitterwallet can only go so far in fields of research, and will await public consensus before running to the nearest confectioners on this occasion.

Unilever has formed a partnership with the confectionery firm Kinnerton to deliver the chocolate egg which carries hints of Marmite and is promoted under the slogan ‘love it or hate it’.

Ah, they’re sticking with that slogan. One day Marmite will realise that people either love something or hate something in general, and their whole pitch will be rumbled.

The firm’s UK head of licensing Julie McCleave said: “Building on the success of our first ever Easter egg launch last year with iconic ice cream brands Magnum, Cornetto and Mini Milk, we wanted to bring something new to the Easter egg market once again for 2015. ”By broadening the appeal of the Easter egg fixture, we anticipate that the new additions will drive sales for retailers by offering an exciting new product from brands that consumers know and love.’

The Easter egg market is worth a whopping £365 million a year in the UK, so understandably, Marmite and Pot Noodle want in on a bit of that. Kinnerton’s Rachel Wyatt said: “Easter isn’t just for kids. We want to bring fun to Easter fixtures by using these two iconic brands. The Marmite Easter egg, which shoppers will either love or hate, combines Marmite with chocolate.”

‘Easter fixtures’. Good grief. Each egg will set you back a fiver.

Wheelie bin given ticket by traffic warden

January 21st, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

We wouldn’t like to say that traffic wardens are pointless, dimwitted individuals, but you might after you hear about this.

In Carmarthen, a traffic warden is under investigation after they gave a parking ticket to a bin. That’s right. One of those big bins that are on wheels.

bin ticket 500x281 Wheelie bin given ticket by traffic warden

The bin was on some double-yellow lines and passers-by noticed the strange behaviour as the warden stuck a penalty charge notice to the rubbish receptacle.

Mercifully, Carmarthenshire council said that there was no ticket was inside the wrapper, so you have to assume that it was a joke by the warden. However, this being a council, they will still be looking into the traffic warden’s conduct.

Salesman Mike Jones told the BBC: ”It was bizarre – I realised I had just watched a warden give a ticket to a wheelie bin for bad parking. It appeared the warden slapped the plastic ticket envelope on the bin in a moment of high jinks after a member of public pointed out it was parked on double yellow lines.”

Carmarthenshire council traffic and safety manager John McEvoy said: “There was no ticket issued, it is not possible to book a wheelie bin or anything that is not motorised.”

“Although this was meant as a humorous incident, we take this kind of thing very seriously and have launched a formal investigation into the conduct of this officer.”

Newcastle Brown Ale to conquer America

January 21st, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Newcastle Brown Ale have been mocking the rest of the booze world’s marketing for a while now. Remember the Broon taking the Michael out of Stella Artois for using the word chalice?

Well, they’re at it again with their ‘No Bollocks’ stance, this time, getting the wonderful Aubrey Plaza to do their ads where they look to America and the Super Bowl to… well… be really sarcastic.

For instance…

And there’s more. Newcy Brown are going all out to mock the very thing they’re spending money on. Basically, Newcastle Brown Ale has gone full-on meta.

Broon are threatening a whole load more too. Check NewcastleBandOfBrands.com for more. Looks like they’re onto a winner with these.

Child invoiced for not attending a party

January 19th, 2015 11 Comments By Mof Gimmers

child money Child invoiced for not attending a partyIn ‘Cameron’s Britain’ news now, and a five-year-old boy has been invoiced for not going to a friend’s birthday party, which has resulted in legal action. Honestly.

Alex Nash, from Cornwall, got an invite to a party just before Christmas and didn’t end up going. The schoolfriend’s mum – Julie Lawrence – said that the no-show left her out of pocket, so she sent a bill for £15.95 to compensate her.

Alex’s father Derek is understandably flummoxed by the whole thing, and has been told that he’ll be taken to the small claims court if he doesn’t pay up. And this is all because the Nash family decided that their child should spend some time with his grandparents instead of doing to a dry ski slope in Plymouth.

Alex’s parents said they had no contact information for Ms Lawrence and, more importantly, why on Earth would you invoice a child to sort this out, instead of being an adult and telling someone that you’d like a tenner off them or something, because the party was more expensive than you could afford?

The news was broken to the family when they found the invoice in a brown envelope in Alex’s schoolbag last week.

invoice for childs birthday party 500x281 Child invoiced for not attending a party

Derek Nash told the Beeb: “It was a proper invoice with full official details and even her bank details on it. I can understand that she’s upset about losing money. The money isn’t the issue, it’s the way she went about trying to get the money from me.”

“She didn’t treat me like a human being, she treated me like a child and that I should do what she says.”

Ms Lawrence isn’t having any of that though and… get this… in a statement, she said: “All details were on the party invite. They had every detail needed to contact me.”

Astonishing. You can only hope this is some kind of situationist prank or something. That’d still be annoying, but at least it wouldn’t be quite as bad as someone invoicing a toddler who probably drew all over the invite and ate it and forgot to tell his mum and dad about a party on a ski slope and ended up round his nanas for a plate of custard creams and a pint of Ribena.

email 300x200 British workers get 1,728 pointless emails a yearSome ‘according to new research’ news now, and according to new research, the average British worker receives 1,728 pointless emails every year.

Is that all?

Such things as ‘organising a whip around’, ‘please sponsor me’ and ‘happy birthday’ topped the list of irritating messages, as well as stuff like ‘the printer has broken’ and such mundane rubbish like that apparently sends people hammering the delete button.

A third of the 2,000 office workers polled went on to say that they have someone in their team who is known for sending pointless emails, and would like them killed.

The poll by headphone giant Sennheiser Communications found emails about fire drills, Secret Santa and milk shortages were also viewed as futile by workers, and that round robin affairs where everyone is cc’ed into them drive workers up the wall too.

53% of those polled said they wish everyone picked the phone up and spoke more to one another, rather than clogging up inboxes with wasted emails. Which is cobblers really, as you ignore calls just as much as emails.

Charlotte Gaskin, Marketing Manager at Sennheiser Communications, said: “We are used to firing off emails for even the slightest thing.”

“But it seems like some of the more mundane requests can be avoided. Copying in lots of people to emails does seem to be a bugbear of British workers. Sometimes it’s more effective to have a face to face conversation or just pick up the phone. This way there’s less room for misinterpretation as well.”

Shall we look at what are deemed pointless emails? Well, you’re here now:

Please sponsor me
Happy birthday
Introducing new starters
The printer has broken down
There is going to be a fire alarm
Secret Santa
Congratulatory emails about ‘a job well done’
Can everyone chip in for a whip around please
Someone’s car has left their lights on
Debates over the temperature of the aircon
Sweepstake for the lottery
Sweepstake for the Grand National
The toilet is blocked
Food has gone missing from the fridge
The fridge needs cleaning
Whose photocopying is left on the photocopier
Ran out of milk
Has anyone seen my building pass?
Someone is blocking me in the car park
Someone has stolen my stapler / calculator / etc.
Whose turn is it to make tea?
There aren’t any tea bags / coffee left
Someone has stolen my mug
Someone has used their favourite mug
The bins need emptying
Dishwasher needs empting
There isn’t any toilet roll left
Anyone got the keys to the pool car?

Charlotte Gaskin concluded: “It’s clear many people tend to hide behind emails, rather than have a telephone call. But phone calls don’t leave room for error and making a call is usually easier than writing an email, especially with the wide range of professional headsets we offer, which mean your voice can be heard in HD sound clarity.”

(Oh, here we go, here comes the sell)

“Headsets allow you to be hands free and multitask to allow for even the most hectic of working days. You’re also far more likely to resolve an issue quickly and correctly. Perhaps it’s time we all started using our voices a little more often.”

Crazy Chinese people news now, and a man has been arrested after trying to smuggle 94 iPhones into China. You might not think that this is mental at all…

…but this man tried to do it by strapping them on to his body, of course.

smuggler 500x310 Man tapes 94 iPhones on his body to smuggle into China

The man caught the attention of inspectors at the Futian crossing in Shenzhen, a southern Chinese metropolis bordering Hong Kong,  who noticed the gent was walking a little funny carrying a couple of carrier bags, and was waved through when there was nothing suspicious found in the bags.

However, when he went through the metal detector, the alarms went off and he was busted.

Photos released by customs show dozens of neatly shrink-wrapped shiny iPhones strapped around the man’s chest, abdomen, crotch and thighs with duct tape. Dude clearly went to some right effort.

iPhones are quite the thing in China, with consumers going nuts for the gadget ahead of the launch of iPhone 6 last year. Apple handsets are also more expensive in the mainland than Hong Kong, due to higher import taxes. Fr’instance, an iPhone 6 with 64 gigabytes of storage, sells for almost $1,000 in the mainland but only about $820 in Hong Kong, hence a bit of a black market has sprung up.

This isn’t the first case of iPhone smuggling the authorities have seen, Shenzhen customs officials disclosed that they have caught 18 mules strapping smuggled electronic products – including 282 iPhones – on, or in their bodies since December.

One can only applaud the audacity and madness of the man who thought “Yeah. 94 iPhones strapped on my body. That’ll work. NO ONE WILL SUSPECT A THING”.

But in Mandarin obviously.

Give your enemies death by glitter!

January 13th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

You know how it is – around Christmas, the cards, presence and stuff with fake snow on it ends up with your house being covered in a fine layer of glitter.

It is beyond annoying.

Well, there’s a company who has recognised this and is offering a service that allows you to send you enemies a package that will get glitter all over their house and clothes. Marvellous. Death by tweeness.

section image 1 500x269 Give your enemies death by glitter!

The folks at ShipYourEnemiesGlitter say: “We f*cking hate glitter. People call it the herpes of the craft world. What we hate more though are the soulless people who get their jollies off by sending glitter in envelopes.”

“We’ve had enough so here’s the deal: there’s someone in your life right now who you f*cking hate. Whether it be your shitty neighbour, a family member or that bitch Amy down the road who thinks it’s cool to invite you to High Tea but not provide any weed.”

“So pay us money, provide an address anywhere in the world & we’ll send them so much glitter in an envelope that they’ll be finding that shit everywhere for weeks. We’ll also include a note telling the person exactly why they’re receiving this terrible gift. Hint: the glitter will be mixed in with the note thus increasing maximum spillage.”

Order some bloody glitter here. (The site is having a bit of trouble, presumably with increased traffic today, so if the link isn’t working, that’s not Bitterwallet’s fault).

Behold! The finest job advert ever!

January 6th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

We’re aware that not everyone is internet-savvy, but sometimes, even the most phobic of technology must realise they’re making a complete balls-up of it all.

Take, for example, this wonderful job application spotted in a newspaper which contains a fantastically long URL, cut and pasted into the advert by some unfortunate.

As you pay-per-letter in newspaper adverts, this will have cost much more money than necessary, which makes it even more special.

B6p5KXoCUAAQCsU 375x500 Behold! The finest job advert ever!

The depressing thing is, there’s probably a good number of people who painstakingly copied the whole URL out into their browser to try and land the gig.

And yes, it does say ‘government’ in the URL.

 

Did you hear the one about the restaurant who posted a picture of a non-paying family online, so everyone could mock them? You may have actually, because it happened over Christmas, but it is news to us.

In Cardiff, Burger & Lobster’s new place had a family who did a bunk without paying their bill. And so, to get their own back, the eaterie decided to shame them on their Facebook page.

burger lobster family 500x332 Restaurant shames customers who didnt pay their bill on Facebook

The post said: “To this family that walked out tonight without paying their bill, we are sure this was just a ‘mistake’ and you completely forgot, so out of the goodness of your heart please call the restaurant tomorrow to pay the bill. Thanks.”

While we think it is funny, it seems that a lot of the people who stumbled across it on Facebook weren’t. Soft gets. One disgruntled person dribbled: “People make mistakes like this all the time, especially if there is a few of them. I’ve had to go back and pay after leaving and realising. Not a very professional approach by this food chain if these customers have left in error! I don’t like the way in which you operate and puts me off ever coming into your establishment! Disgusting!”

And the hysterical shrieking wasn’t done there either. Another person left a comment saying; “Genuinely a disgrace posting this on a social media platform.”

Disgusting and disgraceful there, completely in-keeping the severity of what’s happened. Of course, a load of people thought it was funny as well, so that’s something.

Oh, and if you care at all, the family in question returned to the restaurant and paid their bill in full, which means the Facebook post worked. However, Burger & Lobster will probably go out of business now, thanks to the three people who howled in anguish at the company’s actions. A stern warning to us all.

Want Pat Butcher baps on your wall?

January 5th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Making your house your home is very important. Those magnolia walls need livening up with something that says you live there. Something that reflects your personality.

Your house needs these statement pieces so people know that, when they walk through your door, they nod approvingly and say ‘Yeah, this guy is totally a Naked Pat Butcher type of guy.’

That’s right. You can get some fine art from Amazon in the shape of a topless Pam St Clement print. And it’ll only cost you £24.99. Not bad as our Pam is worth at least £24.99 per boob.

61fH24OGOZL. SL1500  333x500 Want Pat Butcher baps on your wall?

The vendors say that your canvas is “framed and ready to hang” and that the kit they send with it will ensure “perfect positioning” and more. Of course, we’ve censored the image.

If you want to see it without the pixels, resplendent and boobilicious, then click here. Please send us pictures of your dirty Pam St Clement prints hung up in your living room at our Facebook or Twitter.

Barclaycard road-testing tap and pay gloves

December 17th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

barclaycard gloves 300x180 Barclaycard road testing tap and pay glovesAll you’ll need is gloves, if a batcrap trial currently being conducted by Barclaycard has its way.

The bank are trialling a prototype glove that will ‘tap and pay’ like shoppers would do with contactless cards.

Barclaycard’s cashless mittens are embedded with a small contactless chip that can be linked to a credit or debit card. And look so, so stylish.

You can use them to pay for items up to £20 which all sounds a bit of an effort to be honest.

They are presently being tested on guinea pig shoppers (not people shopping for actual guinea pigs) in the UK and may take off next year if they go down well.

Barclaycard added that it is working on, rather sexistly, ‘his and hers’ versions of the gloves, with the women’s version having a softer and more ‘fleecy’ appearance than the men’s.

Mike Saunders, managing director of digital consumer payments at Barclaycard, said that the gloves “could be bringing some festive cheer to bag-laden shoppers by Christmas 2015″. No, honest. He did.

The company had previously announced that they have already been testing out bPay wristbands. Oh they might as well just turn us all into cyborgs and be done with it, eh readers?

poo crap 300x300 People literally bought a load of crap on Black FridayOn Black Friday, there was a lot of muttering about people buying crap they didn’t need. Well, it turns out that you didn’t know how literal you were being as, in America, 30,000 people bought actual faeces in a box.

They bought it from the people who brought the world the game, Cards Against Humanity, who said that for $6, you could have ‘actual bullshit’.

Now, online, lots of people assumed that this was all a big wheeze and that there might be a new game in the offing or maybe something collectible and fun. However, those that parted with their money soon found that they’d spent cash on a box with some poo in it.

Even though the game’s creator Max Temkin repeatedly tweeted that the thing being sent out was literally some dung in a box, people still weren’t convinced. And the boxes of poo sold out . 30,000 cardboard boxes with excrement in it. Bought with money.

And there’s a lovely video of someone doing a box opening, which shows a box with something akin to the poo emoji (as seen above) and a wrapped box that says ‘Bullshit’ on it. And inside, lo and behold, something that fell out of a bovine’s arse.

That’d be Cards Against Humanity earning $180,000 from selling actual bullshit. Where there’s muck, there’s brass.