Posts Tagged ‘Odd stuff’

Aldi turn the air blue with their crackers

September 4th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Aldi are selling some crackers, which isn’t particularly interesting… but for some reason, they’ve decided to use the kind of language that would make a sailor vomit, in a bid to brand them.

These Gourmet Crackers (really?) have certain letters randomly capitalised, and in there, you’ll see the biggest swear word there is. If you’re completely innocent, it starts with the letter ‘C’.

ad 179836454 500x332 Aldi turn the air blue with their crackers

Unless Aldi were going for a bit of viral marketing, they will have no doubt been on the phone to their graphic design team today, asking what the bloody hell is going on.

Again, if you’re still missing it, here’s a gratuitous close-up shot.

ad 179836479 500x332 Aldi turn the air blue with their crackers

Alas, Aldi are changing the packaging.

A spokesperson for the company said: “Our crackers have been available in completely new packaging since 6th August and only a limited number of these old packs remain in-store.”

He then rang up the design team and said ‘see you next Tuesday’.

Man finds drugs in pocket of Primark shorts

September 4th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

primark logo Man finds drugs in pocket of Primark shortsA man bought some swimming shorts from Primark for £5, and in itself, that is a very tedious story. However, this fella found DRUGS in his shorts, which is more like it!

Now, what kind of drugs? Something fun like a £20 of weed or some Es or something? No. This man found a packet of anti-depressant drugs – one of the most boring drugs you could ever hope to stumble across while you’re minding your own business.

Maybe this is why Adam Travers wasn’t best pleased, as he told the Metro that he was ‘horrified’ with the discovery in his trunks that he bought from the Cascades Centre in Portsmouth.

His girlfriend, Hannah Youell pulled out the nine white pills from his shorts, the were wrapped up in the back pocket. Sounds like he was hiding pills in his new shorts and pretended to be shocked when he’d got sloppy with hiding them to us. His partner should check the history on his phone’s browser and see if he’s been ‘hacked’ looking at a load of mucky websites.

We’re joking of course. The bad thing here is that, if pills are being left in shorts, that Travers’ five-month-old son could have found them, and popped them all in his gob.

He says: “I was really shocked. If the baby had got them that could have been disastrous. It was also lucky we found them before going on holiday as it could have caused problems at the airport.”

Police tests revealed the drugs were anti-depressants, which is anti-climactic, but what can we do? Primark themselves said that this is indeed, rather unusual and blamed it on an ‘unapproved Chinese sub-contractor’ and, thanks to this,; ‘as a result, we have terminated our relationship with the supplier.’

If you find drugs in the clothes you’ve just bought, we hope they’re more fun or have a better street value. Happy hunting!

 

When Auschwitz is mentioned, a number of bleak images spring to mind, not least, the thought of Hitler killing huge numbers of Jews in those infamous showers.

So, with that, Poland is having a bit of a heatwave at the moment and the people who run Auschwitz have decided to help visitors cool down with showers, which of course, could well be a bit tasteless if you’ve got even the vaguest knowledge of what happened there.

auschwitz 500x500 Auschwitz add showers for visitors to use   cue outrage

People can stand under the showers and get a fine mist of water over themselves, to cool down in the former concentration camp. Presumably, when things get cold, the Auschwitz management will provide people with ovens to climb into, eh? Or maybe they’ll serve mouldy bread with a thin, meatless soup in the canteen for patrons?

Anyway, The Krakow Post reported that visitors have been fainting thanks to the heat, so installed the showers to help everyone cope with temperatures that have reached around 40 degrees Celsius.

Of course, the powers that be were just trying to be nice and do something useful for those visiting, but you’d think that the people who run a site where millions of people were killed might be a bit more sensitive wouldn’t you?

Big Mac and Whopper, together at last?

August 27th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Burger King and McDonald’s have been at each other’s throats for years, but now, in 2015, there’s an olive branch. Burger King has decided that they want to make peace with Maccies for one day only.

They want to “settle the beef” by combining their flagship burgers – the Whopper and the Big Mac – into the McWhopper.

mcwhopper 500x281 Big Mac and Whopper, together at last?

This burger would be flogged at pop-up shops in Atlanta, which is the midway point between the headquaters of the two companies (which are Chicago and Miami if you must know).

Burger King made the offer via full-page adverts in The New York Times and The Chicago Tribune, and the want this to happen on the 21st September - the UN International Day of Peace. All proceeds to go to charity, natch. That said, customers won’t be asked to cough-up money, rather, they’ll be asked to sign one of the mats you get on the tray, making a peace declaration with someone.

The peace will even go down to the staff uniforms and takeaway bags.

mcwhopper 2 500x375 Big Mac and Whopper, together at last?

In a proposal to McDonald’s, Burger King said: “All these ingredients come together to build the burger some said would never happen. Some say the same thing about world peace.”

“Let’s prove them wrong on Peace Day. Everything in our proposal is up for discussion, from the name right through to the packaging. The only thing we can’t change is the date, so let’s talk soon.”

Control your sex toy through your Apple Watch

August 21st, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Like having a bit of a fumble with your grumble? Tired of doing all the work manually? Well, good news onanists! A company has come up with a sex toy that you can rig up to your Apple Watch, making having a ‘lie down’ marginally easier.

A company called Lovense have brought out the ‘Blush’ and, with the smartwatch app, you can control your vibrator and have a thoroughly splendid time. You can even match it up to the speed of the music you’re listening to. We suggest a nice, steady pace like some Chic songs that are 120bpm.

Or, for the adventurous, you can stick some Squarepusher or death metal and obliterate your innards. Whatever tickles your pickle.

The toy can be controlled through the Apple Watch or through an app on your phone if you prefer.

One thing that could be fun, is that you can allow someone else to take control of the device or, indeed, let someone ‘sort you out’ from afar if you’re mucking around on Skype or whatever. It could be very good for long distance relationships, is what we’re saying.

Or, y’know, you can frig with a bit of marrow or whatever it is you like doing. We’re not the boss of you.

We the public, as a whole, are a rotten and depraved bunch. We give off airs and graces, when really, we’re secretly thinking about murdering people and imaging what the most disgusting thing on the internet is.

So with that, anyone who gives the reins over to us is, frankly, an idiot.

And so to Google, with their lovely Google Trends billboards, which show off what the UK is really looking for on the internet. This one, spotted at Old Street Station, showed that, alongside looking at BBC Sports sites and things to do with Barcelona, the top trend is the delightful ‘Revenge Porn Sites’.

CM646m2WUAAZ3gj 375x500 Googles digital billboards are working out just fine...

 

Of course, this might be something to do with TV presenter Anna Richardson, who has been looking into this area recently… but it doesn’t look like that does it?

Good old Google. Sticking ‘REVENGE PORN’ in big letters in the middle of a train station.

[via TechnoGuido]

Man gets ear bitten off on flight from Newcastle

August 19th, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

ear 300x191 Man gets ear bitten off on flight from NewcastleGetting a flight to Ibiza can be pretty arduous at the best of times. Ryanair banned booze on some Ibiza-bound flights, but that’s nothing compared to the nonsense that went on during a Jet2 flight from Newcastle to the Balearic island.

It has been reported that a passenger almost lost his ear after it was nearly bitten off during some airborne pagga.

Normally, fights involve a bit of punching, shoving and swearing, but it takes a special type of snowflake to try biting bits of another human off.

Anyway, the man was (allegedly) attacked on a busy Jet2 flight on Sunday night and is now in a Spanish hospital where they’re trying to save his ear. A witness told the Mirror how passengers, young and old, watched on in horror as the bloke ran down the aisle with blood pumping from his head, with his ear ‘hanging off’.

Another added: “It was absolutely sickening and I find it unbelievable that anyone would do that at all to another human being. But to bite someone’s ear off on a plane packed with other people at such close quarters and with families sitting around him is absolutely appalling, people were getting off the plane complaining of feeling physically sick.”

Enough to put you off those peanuts you just bought for £43.60.

Jet2 managing director Phil Ward said the company are working with the police to investigate the whole thing. He said: “The safety of our customers is of utmost importance to us and aggressive behaviour will simply not be tolerated.”

M&S want to stick the D in your bread

August 18th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

The folks at Marks & Spencer aren’t the hippest bunch. They’ve probably just discovered the phrase ‘totes amazeballs’ and ‘LOL’. So you have to wonder if they knew what was going on when their marketing department came up with a new slogan for their bread.

Marks & Spencer’s latest bread advertising campaign says “Putting the D in bread”, which for those who haven’t been living up a tree for the past few years, means something rather dirty.

marks and spencer advert puts the d in bread M&S want to stick the D in your bread

Now, if you’re the kind of person who gives bread the D, you might end up with a yeast infection or, worse still, some crusty cobblers. You can think of your own puns, no doubt.

Next week: Morrisons start flaunting their baps.

[via Twitter]

Underpants 300x207 Silver underpants to protect your nads from your phoneMen! Are you worried about your technological devices making your junk sizzle and wither thanks to radiation? Have you been sat in bed with a laptop on your knee, cooking your gonads? Do you think your phone is somehow making your widger boil?

Well, fear not, because someone has invented some ‘smart’ underwear which is designed to protect your business, and ensure that you’re fertility is unaffected.

Richard Branson has already described these scads as “underpants for superheroes”, because the Wireless Armour underwear contains an underlining of pure silver, woven into the fabric, to protect your unmentionables against 99.9% of electromagnetic radiation.

That’s the stuff that emits from smartphones, tablets and laptops.

Inventor Joseph Perkins said: “Like so many people, my smartphone and laptop use has increased dramatically in recent years, which made me realise that I was exposing myself to large amounts of electromagnetic radiation, mostly centred on my groin.”

“With my physics background I knew there must be a way to shield from electromagnetic radiation using a simple solution. Wireless Armour has been tested by an industry leader in wireless shielding and the results show that our fabric shields against 99.9% of the radiation emitted between 100MHz to 2.6GHz.”

“Put simply, this covers the entire range of radiation emitted by wireless devices, from voice and text through to 4G and wi-fi, almost everything is blocked.”

Let’s just hope you don’t end up with argyria from the hi ho silver lining – the illness you get when you’re poisoned by silver and it makes your skin look like you’re a smurf, like this fella.

slvrK9V 500x280 Silver underpants to protect your nads from your phone

BT put customer on hold for 14 hours

August 13th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

rodney dangerfield 292x300 BT put customer on hold for 14 hoursCancelling your contract with a company is a tricky affair, as they guilt-trip you and mither you for ages, hoping you’ll crack and stick with them.

Well, one chap called Paul Donovan was trying to cancel his BT broadband contract and found himself on hold for a whopping 14 hours! He says he called BT’s freephone number at 7.57pm on Saturday, August 1st, to cancel his £42.99-a-month broadband and sports package.

He was told that the lines were busy, via the usual pre-recorded voice, and that he should wait until an operator was free. Donovan waited for an hour and a bit, before going to bed. He put his phone on charge, but decided to leave the call open, while on hold.

The next time he looked at his phone was 14 hours and 31 minutes after he originally rang BT, and lo, he was still on hold. He took a screengrab of the call time, so he could show it to BT’s customer services (when he eventually got through to an actual human being).

He said: “When I have got through before, I was told the service was open 24/7 so I was expecting to get a response. I kept thinking surely someone will pick up but I went to bed and when I got up the next morning, I was still on hold. I hung up as I knew by then nobody would answer. When I called them again, they did not believe me either. It must be one of the longest hold-times ever.”

BT themselves reckon that Paul should’ve been told that the department was closed: “That main customer services number is open Monday to Friday 8am – 8pm, Saturday and Sunday 9am – 6pm. Customers calling outside of those hours receive a recorded message advising them that the office is closed.”

Shane is the king of retail

July 31st, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Working in retail can be very tedious, so you have to make your own fun. You can dream about kicking awful customers up the rear, or you can imagine all manner of accidents befalling your irritating line-manager.

Or, if you’re Shane, you can go down a completely different route.

22290 1240387289309492 1686411065918644685 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

Shane, bless him, gets so bored, that he pretends the paper bags can talk.

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As you can see, Shane gets very bored, to the point where he’s got more than one personality.

11063544 1240387252642829 2252286119304354975 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

Extended warranties on fried chicken eh?

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We still want to know about this good stuff in the back though.

11165227 1240387239309497 9091845780329498866 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

Shane’s ‘Swinecraft’ could be a moneyspinner in fairness.

11050102 1240387342642820 1361117161367005488 n 373x500 Shane is the king of retail

Of course, Shane is almost certainly a funny fabrication, but you can’t be mad at this. You can see the rest of Shane’s handiwork, here.

Fancy sitting face-to-face on flights?

July 10th, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

If you think cheap flights are already cramped affairs, you ain’t seen nothing yet. A patent filed by Zodiac Seats France wants to cram everyone in even more, by having passengers facing each other.

Travelling could become a rather intimate experience, with passengers slotted in, like fingers interlocking in a system that has been dubbed Economy Class Cabin Hexagon.

Have a look at the patent diagram.

559ef0837772ff921f95c9e7 horrible airplane design 1 762x428 500x280 Fancy sitting face to face on flights?

Of course, this will increase the amount of people you can get on a plane, which of course, means more money for airlines. We can all think of at least one company that might be interested in this, can’t we?

Remember the whole Ryanair debacle when Michael O’Leary looked at the possibility of standing seats?

Look at these stupid double yellow lines

July 9th, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

While the Tube strike causes ABSOLUTE CARNAGE on the streets of London to which everyone IS SUFFERING ENDLESSLY, that’s the least of the capital’s worries.

Even though we gave them all a guide to getting around London during this difficult time, there’s a huge problem with London’s roads.

We are, of course, talking about Clapham Junction and those who will be travelling on it in a teeny, weeny clown car. Or a Smart Car if you prefer. That’s because there’s the disaster waiting for them, in the shape of a six-inch stretch of road that is protected – valiantly we might add – by double yellow lines.

CJZ5axZUkAEJ8KW 500x333 Look at these stupid double yellow lines

All hail!

That’s right, on Mossbury Road, near Lavender Hill, there is, what appears to be, stupidly small double yellows. So anyone thinking of parking their unicycle there, can get bent.

This was spotted by the baffled firefighter Stewart Brown, who noted Wandsworth Council’s sterling work. And, just a few yards down the same road, there’s another tiny set of double yellow lines too.

Well done, to everyone concerned.

Russians warn idiots not to take selfies

July 8th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Selfies are great. It is nice to see people having the self-confidence to show themselves off. Besides, generations before them were forever checking themselves out in shop windows and the like.

That said, selfies aren’t very good if you’re a thundering idiot.

In Russia, the police have launched a campaign which warns people against taking unsafe self-portraits, after over 100 injuries happened last year, thanks to idiots with cameras on their phones. They’ve even made some logos to help them out, in case reading words or listening to spoken advice isn’t effective enough.

977 500x300 Russians warn idiots not to take selfies

“A cool selfie could cost you your life,” say the interior ministry, warning that “a selfie with a weapon kills”.

The reason they’re telling people about this is to show how badly things can go if you’re a complete nincompoop. This year, a woman accidentally shot herself in the head while taking a selfie with her pistol. Earlier in the year, two dimwits died when they thought they’d take a selfie while holding a hand-grenade which had the pin pulled out.

Another gasping dunce took a photo of themselves while climbing on a railway bridge, and came into contact with live electrical wires. The phones might not be the problem here.

“Unfortunately we have noted recently that the number of accidents caused by lovers of self-photography is constantly increasing,” said Yelena Alexeyeva. “Since the beginning of the year we are talking about some hundred cases of injuries for sure.”

“The problem really exists and leads to very unfortunate consequences.”

“Before taking a selfie, everyone should think about the fact that racing after a high number of ’likes’ could lead someone on a journey to death and his last extreme photo could turn out to be posthumous.”

Fancy staying in Hitler’s holiday home?

June 26th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

18211 0346 1 md Fancy staying in Hitlers holiday home?A company has transformed Hitler’s holiday camp (sorry, that will never stop sounding like a fantastically camp b-movie, possibly starring Beryl Reid) so members of the public can enjoy the seaside on the German island of Rugen.

So what’s the craic? Well, Prora was meant to be a holiday camp for Nazis (think Butlins, only with marginally more levels of despairing hate) and was completed in 1936, however, it wasn’t ever opened to members of the public.

However, in the last decade, it has been transformed from an abandoned mess into modern hotels and apartments.

Axel Bering and Michael Jacobi, the project investors, say they’re resolutely not-arsed about the history of the building that once belong to Hitler. Bering, from Denmark, said that the resort reminded him more of his childhood holidays. Some of the holiday apartments have already been sold and there’s families visiting the resort already.

Prices start from £125,000 for three-bedroom apartments, and the priciest ones will set you back £900,000.

Not only that, there’s also going to be a shopping centre, swimming pool and tennis courts and all manner of things being added in the not-too-distant future.

One of the people who has bought a flat there – Roland Glockner, an advertising exec – said that it was “love at first site”, adding: “It was right by the sea, the nature was fantastic, it was nice and quiet and not so expensive. Perfect for the family or as somewhere to grow old.”

If you want to read up on the history of the gigantic space, then click yourself silly, here.