Posts Tagged ‘Odd stuff’

Hail the penis potholes!

April 28th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Manchester’s roads are filled with potholes. That’s not unlike most other places in the UK, but in Manchester, something is a little different. Someone is drawing wangs around them.

That’s right! Thanks to an artist called Wanksy, they’re going around drawing penises around potholes. You might think this is all puerile, but after the holes were ignored for ages by Manchester City Council, within 48 hours of Wanksy’s efforts, many of them had been fixed up.

wanksy 500x373 Hail the penis potholes!

“I wanted to attract attention to the pothole and make it memorable,” Wanksy told MEN. “Nothing seemed to do this better than a giant comedy phallus.”

A Bury council spokesman moaned: “Every penny that we have to spend cleaning off this graffiti is a penny less that we have to spend on actually repairing the potholes!”

The council member is a massive idiot though, because Wanksy drew the appendages on in industrial chalk, which means they’ll fade after a couple of weeks without any cleaning required.

wanksy1 500x281 Hail the penis potholes!

On the Wanksy Facebook page, the artist is getting a fair amount of fan mail. Someone from That America wrote: “We need you in Madison, Wisconsin aka pothole hell!”

On the page, you can see many, many nobs drawn around unsightly holes. Won’t make much difference to most of your viewing habits, will it?

Child eats flower in Lidl catalogue

April 27th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Catalogues for supermarkets and the like, are always thoroughly tedious affairs. There’s so little of interest in them, that we’ll pounce on just about anything that raises the vaguest of smiles.

However, we’re beaming at the brilliantly odd child who stars in this week’s Lidl catalogue. For reasons unclear, the photo shows a little girl chewing on a flower.

lidl flower child 500x375 Child eats flower in Lidl catalogue

Of course, Lidl’s marketing department have been on fire lately, trolling Morrisons and openly mocking Sainsbury’s. The supermarket was also responsible for one of the funnier April Fool jokes too.

So whether they left this in because they thought it was funny or they just didn’t check, the whole thing is by-the-by, as everyone can enjoy the daft things children do, like sticking flowers in their mouths and eating them.

Amazon to deliver to the boot of your car

April 27th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

amazoninstant Amazon to deliver to the boot of your carWhen we heard that Amazon were going to start delivering packages directly to car boots from next month, we thought they were either tapping into the car boot sale market, or selling drugs. How wrong – and disappointed – we were.

Amazon have teamed-up with DHL and Audi, which means that selected Audi-owning Prime customers in Munich will be able to stand next to their car for ages, waiting for someone to drop a package off for them, when they could be doing something less boring instead.

That’s actually not true. The person delivering the package will get a one-time keyless access to the car boot to drop off a package, meaning that a stranger will be able to get in your car. That should cause a few furrowed brows. Audi are adamant that there’s going to be no insurance issues with all this.

Amazon said: “During the checkout process, customers simply indicate the approximate location of their car during the delivery window. When a carrier driver arrives, the vehicle’s car trunk can be momentarily accessed via a unique, order specific digital authorisation.”

“The delivery agent then simply places the order into the trunk and closes the hatch which locks the car again.”

If you’re not bothered about someone getting in your boot, then this could be a handy way of receiving goods and save you messing about waiting for someone. Participating drivers will have to have their cars adapted to enable third-party access though.

Amazon says it wants this feature to be available to all Prime members, regardless of their car, at some point.

Hail, the dildo with a loved-one’s ashes

April 27th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

sex with glass Hail, the dildo with a loved ones ashesMost of us have thought about a fun memorial that we could choose when he shrug off this mortal coil of ours. Usually, it translates into something funny or sarcastic written on a tombstone.

Well how about having your ashes put in a dildo, so that every time your partner wants to get freaky with themselves, there’s a chance they’ll cry uncontrollably? Or maybe you’d like you ashes in a sex toy, so that you’re always there as a reminder, to make your widow feel guilty when they feel ready to move on?

That could happen thanks to designer Mark Sturkenboom who has created a memory box that includes not only a dildo, but a necklace and an amplifier for playing music that will remind you of the person who has died. Oh, you also get a golden urn and a scent diffuser, too.

Talking about all this, Sturkenboom said: “After a passing, the missing of intimacy with that person is only one aspect of the pain and grief. This forms the base for 21 Grams. The urn offers the possibility to conserve 21 grams of ashes of the deceased and displays an immortal desire.”

“I sometimes help an elderly lady with her groceries and she has an urn standing near the window with the remains of her husband. She always speaks with so much love about him but the jar he was in didn’t reflect that at all.”

“In that same period I read an article about widows, taboos and sex and intimacy and then I thought to myself ‘can I combine these themes and make an object that is about love and missing and intimacy?’”

And so, he came up with 21 Grams, which is ‘the weight of the human soul’. In Sturkenboom’s words: “21 Grams is not only a way to tempt a person to revive an intimate night with her love again but also displays an accusation against the unavoidable passing of life.”

Obviously. Find out more here.

Chip shop message cracks up customers

April 17th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

There’s nothing worse than finding out your favourite chippie is closed. Usually, they’ve shut up shop ‘due to a family bereavement’ or because they’re ‘renovating’.

However, one chippie closed for something quite different. This fella was going on holiday and he left a note to customers, which will have left them chuckling.

chippie Chip shop message cracks up customers

As you can see, he wrote: “This year my wife has decided to take us all youth hosteling, I told her at her age she would be better off with Saga. We are taking two of our children. 1 Daughter in law, plus 1 grandson. No internet, mobile phones, playstations etc.”

“Personally I think we will all be bored to tears. She who must be obeyed says we will have a great time telling tales round the campfire etc.”

He’s back in the shop now, and hopefully, stocked up on beer and gadgets.

Want to get your dog stoned?

April 15th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

spit the dog Want to get your dog stoned?Dogs live their lives napping, constantly wanting to eat and generally looking confused at the most basic tasks, so it is rather surprising that someone has created some treats for dogs that will get them stoned.

‘Pot for pets’ isn’t a novelty product though – the people behind think that marijuana can be used as a mild pain relief for pooches. They’re thinking of old dogs with knackered hips, but you just know that young pups will be gagging to get at it, so they can play video games and eat Monster Munch all day while you’re at work.

One dog owner apparently said that her hound was all set to be put to sleep by the vet, but bought the special strain of weed and her dog got better: “Never in my wildest dreams would I have anticipated this. It brought my dog back.”

The side effect is that her dog now listens to festival reggae and wants to go to India to find itself.

There’s a few companies behind this idea and Julianna Carella, CEO of Treatibles who are one of them, is reticent to discuss the actual medical benefits of giving animals drugs.

She said: “Honestly, we’re hands off with that because we’re not doctors and it’s not our place to prescribe it in that way.”

If she’s not a doctor, then surely she’s a dealer? Either way, there’s a good chance that some baby boomer will be curious enough to buy this and find that their 15 year old human child has decided to eat the dog-weed to see what happens. We can only hope the outcome is funny and uploaded to YouTube.

Hail the most evil toilet door ever!

April 9th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

When you’ve had a few, navigating your way around a toilet visit can be treacherous. You’ve invariably left it too late and rush to get your kecks undone and there’s other humans milling about pointlessly while you try to avoid soiling yourself. And then you’ve got splashback issues and other people farting.

It really can be nightmarish.

One bar decided that the whole situation wasn’t enough of a headmelt and decided to toy with patrons by creating a false door that would mess with nature’s call. A Reddit user went to relieve himself and found himself draining of colour, as well as excretions, thinking that he was in the ladies instead of the gents.

door Hail the most evil toilet door ever!

The reality was that the bar in question had put in a fake door that looked like the reverse of the ladies’ toilets, just to frazzle burping blokes into thinking that they’d dropped a massive clanger.

Redditor Jaydscustom said: “As I’m leaving the restroom panic sets in…then I realize I just pissed in a urinal and the bathroom door was solid wood when I came in. Oh you clever, clever door.”

London gets dog restaurant

April 8th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Recipie For Natural Dog Food 1 300x224 London gets dog restaurantWe did an April Fool article about a cafe in Shoreditch where you could act like a baby (congrats to those that thought it was real), but sadly, our joke was based on the fact that things like this are all too real.

Now, London is a getting a dog restaurant. And yes, it is in Shoreditch.

Of course, there’s some of you who will have applied your own ‘serving up dog meat eh? I’ve been to a few places like that!’ joke already, but the Curious Canine Kitchen is an eaterie for hounds, described as a ‘Holistic private dining event for four-legged friends’.

Jesus Christ.

Mutts can look forward to a five-course ‘The Nature Way Tasting Menu’, which has drinks paired with each meal. Your pooch could find itself chowing down on Textures of Tripe with seaweed and kale puree. No really. Or it could wolf down crispy Paddywack with reishi mushroom flaxseed cream and coconut and blueberry chia pudding with gluten-free cinnamon quinoa dog biscuits.

The dribbling humans will get a treat too, being served up a ‘Rawsome tasting menu’, which is an array of raw whole food amuse-bouche and whatnot, all based around the things your dog’s being scarfing down.

Of course, you’ll be able to take any leftovers home in a doggie bag. £20 a ticket to you and your farting friend. Find out more here.

pizza sign no arms 300x162 Pizza Hut sued for excessively hard croutonsPizza, as you know, is one of the most glorious things on the planet. It is the pinnacle of human achievement. It is the thing most likely to take the skin off the roof of your mouth as you love it too much to ever think about letting it cool down before trying to eat it.

Thanks to this fondness for pizza, us humans treat it far too seriously and one fella decided to sue Pizza Hut over one of theirs.

Everett Chatman was having the time of it at his local establishment and ordered some croutons for his pizza. Yes. Apparently croutons are a thing at Pizza Hut.

Anyway, while he was tucking in, one of these little cubes of diabetes broke part of his dentures, which Chatman said was the fault of what has been described as ‘excessively hard croutons’ which Pizza Hut had ‘negligently’ given to him.

Chatman’s attorney, Mark Foster, told Roane County News: “We tried to work it out with their insurance company, but they never wanted to talk. So we went ahead and filed.”

And now, Chatman can go crazy with croutons as he won his case, bagging himself a very tidy $2,400 (£1,600) in compensation and court costs. If he wants, he can mock Pizza Hut by turning up with dentures that have rock hard croutons in place of all the teeth.

Customer service law tells you that the customer is always right. Of course, we all know that is very obviously not true as the customer can sometimes be a complete git.

Over in Tralee, in County Kerry, Ireland, someone at Burger King had found they’d just about had enough of pesky customers and their online criticisms.

When Emmet Oh Connor [sic] complained about the Tralee branch having the “worst drive thru service ever” and that “by the time u even make ur order mcdonalds wud have 20 cars done” [again, sic], one of the staffers gave this response.

3vQAdPJ Irish Burger King gets potty mouthed with customer

Even though we tend to side with the consumer, in this instance, we can’t help but laugh at the curt response from the employee at Tralee Burger King.

Have it your way, indeed.

picture 42 EasyJet plane lands after stewardess punched over buttyAn EasyJet flight had to be diverted to Rome so staff could eject a passenger. Troublesome passengers on planes are nothing new, as we know from the poo that was so bad a plane had to stop its journey, and the drunk woman who got arrested after doing the nasty with herself.

This one, however, is a little unusual thanks to being something that escalated over a magnificently trivial matter.

A passenger punched a stewardess to the floor in a row about a sandwich.

So what happened? Well, the man in question complained that his sandwich was taking too long to get to him and his gaping gob, and so, he did something that was logical only to himself, and smacked a crew member on the flight from Geneva to Pristina.

A witness said: “He shouted at the stewardess, then he stood up and punched her, and when she fell to the floor, he carried on hitting her.” Before the attack, he apparently shouted: “I’ve been waiting for hours, I’m hungry.”

After he punched a woman because his stomach was empty, the rest of the plane set about him, restraining him while a doctor made sure the lady was okay. The man punched the woman hard enough to break her glasses.

The stewardess told a Swiss newspaper: “I was totally shocked. I can’t understand how anyone could react so violently over a sandwich.”

Act like a baby in new Shoreditch cafe

April 1st, 2015 5 Comments By Mof Gimmers

goo goo cafe owners Act like a baby in new Shoreditch cafeA new cafe is opening in Shoreditch which encourages patrons to relive the joys of being a baby. At London’s ‘Baby Boomer’, patrons can enjoy (if that’s the right word) an experience where they can eat Farley’s Rusks, suck dummies, have a nap and, according to the manager of the enterprise, “even be taken to the toilet, but we’re sure customers will be fine to go themselves!” according to the owners.

After the successes of the cereal cafe, and things like the ‘cuddle cafe‘ and the ball-pool for adults, there’s been upswing in businesses opening where grown-ups can kick back and relive their youth.

Owners Sylvia and Henrik Bjáni have been looking at a venture in the fashionable area of Shoreditch for a while and decided to open Baby Boomer while the market was ‘booming’. How droll.

Henrik says: “Modern life is stressful and hard, and the time you are most safe is when you’re a baby. I guess we’re offering a refuge from modern life. At Baby Boomer, you’ll be able to eat a rusk or have chopped-up-egg-in-a-cup, while listening to lullaby versions of famous rock songs.”

Henrik continued: “There’s toys to play with, ‘shakes that come in Johnson’s Baby Powder bottles and themed cakes – our kitchen is currently making edible teething rings and we’re looking at savoury brownies that will be served in a nappy. It’s just a bit of fun really.”

Sylvia added: “When we did our soft opening, we had artists, musicians and entrepreneurs popping by. What I found most interesting is that a couple of bankers came along. It is nice to think that we’re offering a way out of the rat race. We want to stir up the nostalgia that is in all of us and provide a calm environment too. It is our own twist on the cafe experience. We feel there’s nowhere like it on Earth.”

Of course, there’s similar baby cafes in Japan and the States, most notably ‘Nendo’ and ‘Womb With A View’, but this is the first time we’ve seen something like this in the UK and the cafe opens today at 8 Rufus St, London.

The menu is online, along with a load of irritatingly infantile graphics and ideas. Chopped-up-egg-in-a-cup, for example, is a duck egg with Anglesey sea salt in a Tommee Tippee cup for £4! If this is your idea of fun or you just want to get angry at something, click here to see what they’re offering.

Junk food might be making you depressed!

March 30th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

burger 1372686c 300x187 Junk food might be making you depressed!After talking about bacon the other day, we ended up making a vegetarian cry. So, to recalibrate the balance, we’ll slag off some meat now, so that the vegetarians can pat each internal organ contentedly.

Someone’s done a study and, shock horror, it turns out junk food might have a few negative knock-on effects. While you were scarfing cheeseburgers and pizza into you like it was going out of fashion, it wasn’t making you happy.

In fact, things that are high in fat might be making you anxious and depressed.

Is it something to do with your skin hanging over the top of your trousers, like your belt is wearing a blubber beret? Not quite. It is thought that the transferring of poo from one bowel to another can really mess with the way you feel, maaaan.

The Louisiana State University study mused on the idea that the bacteria in our guts might be making us really sad. Of course, they found this by testing on mice and those on high fat diets showed disruptions in their behaviour, with increases in anxiety and impaired memory. Or, maybe those meeses just hate those burgers to peeses?

Maybe we can all start suing Burger King for feeling miserable all the time?

bacon 300x170 Lady likes bacon so much, shell shoot you for itBacon is amazing. Don’t even try and argue. Bacon is so amazing that vegetarians dream of rolling around in great vats of sizzling pig rashers.

Thanks to bacon’s power, it can make people go crazy, as you’re about to find out with one lady from Michigan.

Shaneka Torres went to a branch of McDonald’s and, at the drive-thru in Grand Rapids, twice tried to order a bacon cheeseburger, but after mix-up, she didn’t get one with bacon on it. By way of apology, she was promised a free bacon cheeseburger the next time she’s stopped by.

All well and good, right? WRONG.

Shaneka came back to the restaurant and again, was given a cheese burger without bacon. This is when things started to get crazy. According to reports, she said: “Bitch, you don’t know who you’re talking to…” before whipping out a handgun from her bag and firing through the drive-thru window.

The bullet narrowly missed a worker who’d ducked seconds before, to pick up a burger. Seriously – how bumbling are the staff at this particular McD’s? Dropping stuff and giving out the wrong orders all the time? We suspect a portion of Bitterwallet readers are firmly on the side of the handgun.

Take heed though, if you’re thinking of going all Falling Down: jurors took a mere hour to convict Torres of the shooting and now she’s looking at seven years in prison. Let us hope the prison slophouse has some bacon on their cheeseburgers or there’s going to be a riot.

Tesco too literal with their marketing slogans

March 25th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Tesco can’t get a thing right at the moment, with legal action being taken against them for that accounting balls-up, and now, they’re being far too literal with their marketing slogans.

Have a look at this lovely scene and see if you can spot it (we didn’t, immediately).

CA2oMnYVAAAIout 500x288 Tesco too literal with their marketing slogans

While the Tesco lorry proudly crows: “You shop, we drop”, you can see that the fella in the hi-vis jacket has taken the slogan on as gospel, and dropped his load everywhere.

If advertising slogans are all correct, maybe Gillette is the best a man can get and the men of the world have already peaked, and we should just give up?