Posts Tagged ‘Odd stuff’
Tesco and a customer have been flirting with each other in the most nauseating way imaginable – by writing poems to one another.
That’s right, a pair of Charlies wrote to Tesco’s Sir Richard Broadbent with a poem about salted popcorn and how their local branch had no plans to restock it.
Tesco replied with a poem and a £10 voucher while the rest of us vomited up everything we’ve got (save for the saps who will inevitably say ‘Ooooh stop complaining – it is just a bit of fun!’. They’ll be the first against the wall come the revolution).
Insert your own ‘life’s a peach’ pun here.
Austen Heinz and Gilad Gome have come up with ‘Sweet Peach’ and it also aims to stop the ladies getting yeast infections and the like, however, there’s no hiding the fact that you might be in bed with a woman and she’ll hum of fake peach scent. It’ll be like standing in an outlet of bath bombs.
Heinz says: “The idea is personal empowerment. All your smells are not human. They’re produced by the creatures that live on you.”
They’ve got other ideas too – they want to release a product that makes dog crap smell like bananas. Fake banana smell is probably the only thing worse than actual faeces.
Of course, they haven’t mentioned whether they’ll do anything to make a bloke’s ballbag smell like passion fruit, or whether they’ll develop something that’ll make jizz taste like Wham! bars, but there you go.
Officers (real ones, not lifesize photocopies) were called to the supermarket after staff told the 999 operators that a man was threatening to kill them all, as well as waving around an image of a firearm.
A force spokeswoman said: “A 34-year-old man from Cambridge was arrested on November 12th on suspicion of making threats to kill. He was released on police bail to return to Parkside police station in Cambridge on January 14, 2015.”
A Tesco spokesman said: “This is now a matter for the police and we are helping them with their inquiries”.
Now, if you imagine everyone trying to stop themselves from laughing about the man and his photograph of a weapon while making their statements, you’re probably somewhere close to the truth of the situation.
On a serious note though, do be careful out there. If there’s people doing things like this, then soon, we might see people carrying a photocopy of a massive bomb or something.
Struggling to get your loved one the perfect Christmas gift (oh, stop complaining about people talking about the festive period in November – we’re only a payday away from it) this year?
Want something that says: ‘I think you’re so great and contented that you need to be reminded of how cruel the world is.’
Well, welcome to Meaty Trumps, which is Top Trumps for those who loathe Tories and want to be reminded of everyone in the ’70s who sexually assaulted children! You can buy a ‘Tory Scum’ set or the Meaty Trumps ‘British Nonces’ pack.
The company themselves say:
“Meaty Trumps was one of the first trump card games to be designed and mass-produced in England. My father, Harald Lutyan, designed and manufactured seven of the original sets between 1973–1977. These 1970s packs are still sought after today.”
“Meaty Trumps have been revived in 2014 under my supervision and in conjunction with Brown Jewel. The new editions take the same form as the originals – each pack consisting of 54 full-colour trump cards in a box. Each set is a limited edition of 2,000. Designed in Lancashire, England.”
Meaty Trumps also offer ‘Modern Despots’, ‘Recreational Drugs’ and ‘Shit Ideas’ too, among others. If this sounds like your things and you have £8 to spare, click here.
Monster, it turns out, is the work of Satan himself. Don’t believe us? Well, a Christian American (who else?) has proven that the energy drink is the antichrist of liquids.
The Monster Energy logo looks like three Hebrew vavs, which is a number 6 in Hebrew and, not only that, the company’s slogan is ‘Unleash the Beast’, you know, like THE BEAST from the Bible. The number… of the beast… 666… oh my, it is all true. There’s also profanity and other theories surrounding it.
Of course, the Monster/Satan link has been a trope online for various internet nutcases, but instead of listening to us while we fashion our tinfoil hats, listen to the nice lady as she explains it all.
Sometimes, you have to get weird to progress, but there’s something unholy about Mountain Dew’s latest experiment that they’ve been testing out on American students.
They’ve made Mountain Dew that tastes like cheesy Doritos. They call it ”Mountain Dew Dewitos.”
They’ve also been trying out flavours such as Lemon Ginger and Mango Habanero, but it is the one that will clearly taste like feet which is the most batshit, Willy Wonka of them all.
And it looks like a urine sample.
According to the interestingly named ‘joes_nipples‘, Dewitos tasted “like if you shoved a handful of Doritos in your mouth and chugged some Dew at the same time.”
“It honestly wasn’t that disgusting,” they added. “It tasted like orange with a doritos aftertaste. It tasted like straight doritos afterwards though. Weirdest thing I’ve ever drunk.”
Kotaku have the skinny on all this and more photos of this ghastly idea.
Halal Test, which launched in France this week by French start-up Capital Biotech, uses immunochromatography, which is the same technology used for pregnancy tests, to detect traces of pork in food, cosmetics and medicines.
The portable test, which costs €6.90 each or €125 for a pack of 25, had already attracted considerable interest from several companies in the UK and further afield.
Halal Test is currently available only in France through traditional retail channels or online, but the makers of the kits reckon the UK is a very interesting market to develop further.
The test is packaged with a small tube into which a food sample is mixed with warm water. A test strip is then inserted into the tube, and after a few minutes reveals whether any pork traces are present by displaying two lines for a positive result and one for a negative result.
It can also sniff out alcohol in food products too, like a proper party pooper. The company is also developing a test that can detect how an animal was killed too. It’s all glamour, basically.
Capital Biotech said: “There are similar tests which use similar technology, but they are much more complicated to use, and require a special liquid extraction buffer usually containing ethanol. We concentrated our research efforts to simplify the use of these tests and get rid of the liquid extraction buffer, which makes them easy to use by anyone and anywhere.”
Imagine that – going to a restaurant and pulling out a mini laboratory and making the rest of your family wait for your findings while their food goes cold.
In Japan, Pepsi do all manner of crazy things. Remember the Pepsi flavoured crisps? Well now, they’ve released a Pepsi drink that tastes like strawberry milkshake. That’s not some strawberry milkshake with Pepsi branding – that’s a glass of cola that tastes like fruit and milk.
In the past, Pepsi have given the world Ice Cucumber Pepsi, Salty Watermelon Pepsi and other completely baffling things in a bottle.
If you’re in Japan in December, then this latest concoction will go on-sale on December 9th and, it goes without saying, those who have tried this drink (it was previously on-sale in 2011) say it is fantastically sweet.
Which drink dissolves a mouse the quickest remains to be seen.
There’s little that pleases us more than a company creating a brand design or logo that looks like someone’s undercarriage. We’re incredibly puerile, yes.
This week, someone noticed that Tesco’s buttermilk had a packaging design that looked rather like someone’s flaccid junk. And once you see it, it really can’t be unseen.
That got us thinking of other times when logos have ballsed-up. Of course, these articles aren’t particularly original, but like re-runs of You’ve Been Framed, we can’t help but laugh at immature stuff, so we’re going to share our favourite accidentally dirty logos and want you to share your favourites with us.
One of the most notorious is the Catholic Church’s Archdiocesan Youth Commission logo which, with some clean, simple lines, depicts the dismal abuse that has been routinely covered up by the Vatican.
Then, of course, you’ve got the fabulous China Restaurant design, which looks like someone inserting a rocket ship directly up someone’s poo hole.
The importance of the correct typeface is one that some aren’t concerned about and can see words being used that alludes to another. Here, we have something that, while clearly photoshopped, shows how the humble mince pie could be read as something completely different.
Another favourite is the Clinical Dental design, which is obviously supposed to look like a stick-figure dentist looking after a patient. However, the end result forces puns about “filling someone’s cavity” and all that.
Then, there’s the brillinat Computer Doctors logo where some graphic designer drew a mouse freehand and a whole team of people missed the fact that it looked like the tip of someone’s wang.
Of course, these are small companies who might not have scores of people working for them, so things are easily missed. No such excuse for the Office of Government Commerce who got a fancy logo designed that looked like a fella fiddling with himself.
Our favourite though, just for the sheer size of the distribution, is the One Euro coin that placed a nice cock and balls into the pocket of every man, woman and child who lived in the EU. Easy to miss, thanks to missing Norway off the map, everyone ended up with a Scandinavia that looked like a very accurate outline of a man’s parts. Fabulous.
Like we said, feel free to send us your own favourites, or indeed, complain about how you’ve seen all these before and how perfectly good sites are succumbing to Buzzfeed-style reporting.
Regarding the latter – we won’t hear your moans because we’re too busy laughing at things that look like wonkers.
You may have heard the phrase “let Jesus take the wheel”, but letting Jesus Christ of Nazareth pick up the tab when you’ve had a gutful of food and horsed a load of booze into you? That’s a new one on us.
However, that’s exactly what one woman in Lawton, Oklahoma did after she had a lovely evening in a restaurant where she may or may not have broken the gluttony commandment.
Of course, trying to fob your bill off onto a deity isn’t the best idea because, as you know, Jesus doesn’t have a credit card (debt is a sin) and the holes in the palms of his hands means he can’t hold loose change. Kristi Rhines was arrested on the scene by baffled police members at Mexican restaurant El Chico.
It started off reasonably well when Kristi told staff members that she had no way of paying, because her husband would be along to settle the tab.
Sadly for staff, Rhines was convinced she was married to Jesus Christ. Funnily enough, she has no official wedding license. However, she was sure of the return of Christ and that he would “be able to walk in and produce U.S. currency to pay for her bill.”
Rhines with fraud and booked her into the Lawton City Jail.
Kristi could’ve avoided this whole nonsense simply by staying at home and making Jesus cook for her. She would’ve only had to buy one fish and a loaf.
People often like to have a bit of fun with their online orders. Someone asked for their shopping to be delivered by someone in a penguin suit (and they obliged) while others have given dinosaurs with orders.
Well, one hungry redditor ordered a couple of pizzas with some caveats.
As you can see, the customer asked for a crispier than normal pizza crust with the note of “if that’s not vague enough – make it like you’re taking revenge on a cheating boyfriend BUT you still want to reconcile in the not too distant future.” As for the delivery guy, he was told to keep an eye out for a spider called Frank.
There’s three potential responses to this:
1. Urgh! Arseholes! Why won’t they let people just do their jobs without being so bloody wacky and trying to get internet famous all the time! I hope they spat on their pizzas!
2. Aw! How funny! Adding a little humour to the mundane! How fantastic!
3. $20 for two pizzas? Sign me up!
You can decide which category you fall in for yourself.
One shopper has been injured after he was sent flying by an old bloke on his mobility scooter.
Bruce Storr, the man on the receiving end, reckons that the old coot was doing around 25 mph when he got hit, chipping a bone and leaving him hurt and confused. Police are investigating the collision that happened in the Plymouth Tesco, but the driver has not been charged by the cops.
Now, mobility scooters don’t actually go faster than 8mph, but Bruce Storr is a 67 year old lorry driver and he is sure that it was going three times the speed of that.
He said: “I was at the paper stand picking up a newspaper when he came shooting out of the aisle where they keep the videos and DVDs. It was doing about 25mph – being a HGV driver I am a very good judge of speed.”
“Hit me on the backside. I was knocked backwards by a good five or six feet and landed on my shoulder and my head. I was on the floor when the ambulance came and they took me to A&E. The police were also there and spoke to witnesses and took statements. I didn’t see much else but my Granddaughter said he was a grumpy old man, swinging his legs around like he didn’t care. He didn’t apologise.”
Remember that – lorry drivers are a very good judge of speed.
A spokesman for Devon and Cornwall Police said: “The man was taken to hospital with minor injuries and police attended the scene. Inquiries are ongoing.”
Want to get your loved one something special for Christmas this year? Maybe you want to get them a weekend break in Italy? Perhaps you want to buy them jewellery?
Or maybe you want to buy them some Ebola?
Well, if the latter is your thing, we’ve got just the thing as there’s an Ebola plush toy you can buy from a company called GIANTmicrobes®, who are dedicated to making toys “designed as a teaching tool to help small children learn about the importance of handwashing.”
It’ll set you back $9.95 for one a million times the size of actual Ebola, or if you’d like a gigantic version, that’ll cost you $29.95, with an additional $14.95 for the accompanying petri dish.
You’d be advised from avoiding taking your Ebola onto a plane though, for fear of men in frightening suits coming to throw you off onto the airport tarmac.
Click here if you want to buy one.
That’s the slightly barmy findings from a study by the University of Granada.
They reckon that artificial light from phone screens, street lights, laptops or television stops the body generating a hormone that combats obesity.
So that’s why you’re lardy, obviously. Not those 8 packets of shortbread fingers and a share bag of Doritos you had after your tea, all by yourself. It’s your phone’s screen.
You need Melatonin to regulate sleep patterns and it is a powerful anti-inflammatory that boosts the metabolism.
The scientists resorted to trying it out on rats, and saw that increased consumption of the hormone made them lose weight and also fought type two diabetes. Naturally they believe it can have the same effect on humans. Countries around the world are starting to strain at the edges due to an increase in obesity rates and diabetes.
Professor Agil, who lead the study, said: “Currently this process is frequently interrupted, as a result of excessive exposure to artificial lightning during the night, which reduces the levels of endogenous melatonin. For instance, many people are in the habit of sleeping with their lamps, televisions or their computers switched on, or with the blinds drawn up.”
“For all these reasons, it is important to try to sleep in absolute darkness, to avoid interference in the generation of melatonin.”
So there you have it.
Initially, we were going to say ‘here’s a picture of Jonathan Franks, a chartered accountant, presented without comment’.
However, it really is very difficult to look at a berk in a suit, posing with a guitar, trying to jazz up a chartered accountancy advert without thinking of all the swear words simultaneously, as well as being flooded with irritation and looming pity.
Seriously. There were so many opportunities to make sure this photo didn’t happen, yet…
This photo was stolen from a twitter account.