Posts Tagged ‘Odd stuff’

Man fined for headbutting sausage roll machine

September 17th, 2014 6 Comments By Ian Wade

sausage rolls Man fined for headbutting sausage roll machineSausage roll news now, and a baker has been prosecuted for head-butting a sausage roll machine in anger when it stopped working properly.

The baker, Shane Thompson who is 22, had been working on the £27,000 computer-controlled machine, and something went awry, he lost his mind and head-butted the display screen

He head-butted with such force, he created a crack measuring six by four inches on the display scren

His bosses reckon it would cost £3,204 to fix, Prosecutor Kathryn Reeve told the court in Scarborough.

It was at his time at Yorkshire Baker, which he’d been happily working at for 17 months previously, where he lost his bap.

His former bosses docked £295 from his wages to cover the cost of the damage and wanted the £2,909 balance, the court heard. Defending solicitor Robert Vining said: “The defendant is at a total loss to understand how butting a glass screen and cracking it results in that piece of equipment being worthless.”

“He admits he became frustrated with the equipment. It was not making the pastry properly so he lost his temper and head-butted the glass screen and cracked it.”

We’ve all done it, yeah?

He was given a 12-month conditional discharge and ordered to pay £720 compensation towards the cost of repairing the machine. Thompson has since found a new job as ride operator at Flamingo Land theme park.

Is there anyone on Earth with a better CV than Shane Thompson? We’re quite serious.

At last! The selfie hat!

September 15th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

selfie hat 207x300 At last! The selfie hat!It’s London Fashion Week! And you know what, where better a place than to showcase this marvellous selfie sombrero. Say that again to yourself, out loud.

“Selfie sombrero.”

The ‘brainchild’ (used very loosely in this case) of designer Christian Cowan-Sanluis and Acer, the Selfie Hat is a snip at £599.

Yes, for just £599, you could model the hat, which is able to spin and take pictures of you from all angles and is dubbed the ‘Christian Cowan-Sanluis x Acer Selfie-Hat’, it really is quite the thing.

Cowan-Sanluis has designed for that Lady Gaga in the past, so ‘reasonably normal’ is probably not a brief he adheres to.

The camera will assess which is your best side, as well as documenting these and posting them to social networks on your behalf. It’s probably at this point when concerned friends will wonder if you’re having some form of mental breakdown.

Acer, possibly pissing on a bucket of cash, claim: “We wanted to work with someone young and fresh, that not only understands the selfie culture, but both currently is part of it and works with people in it”.

Cowan-Sanluis explains: “With the hat, we wanted to take an element from my last collection, but correspondingly integrate the most popular zeitgeist there is in technology at the moment, the selfie. We also wanted to give it a fun and playful approach, but that in the end helps the user to better understand their face when taking a self-portrait.”

“There has been a lot of articles over the last year looking at how the selfie has gotten so big and being monetised on, celebrities such as Kim Kardashian making a selfie book and the term becoming part of mainstream society.”

“But on the other side, a lot of people taking selfies struggle to find the full potential of their front-facing camera when they use their hand. The hat helps to perfect the shot, either if it’s a cute, sexy or silly selfie.”

It is literally the worst thing ever.

Burger King go goth

September 11th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Seems like Burger King have been having their photos taken in castle ruins, listening to Bauhaus and writing awful poetry, as they’ve made a goth burger.

Sadly for you gloom merchants, you’ll have to go to Japan for one.

gothburger2 Burger King go goth

These rascals are called ‘Kuro Burgers’ and have bamboo charcoal buns, onion and garlic sauce made with squid ink, burgers made with black pepper and black cheese.

You can get a Kuro Pearl and a Kuro Diamond with all the doom trimmings. Eating one may turn you into Robert Smith, so weigh that up before chowing down.

Avid Bitterwallet reader, Steve Hogarty, spotted something in Boots and needed to share it with everyone. He’d spied their essential-for-summer product, called ‘Boots’ Hot Weather Refreshing Spray’, which sounds magical, especially if you’ve been struggling in the heat.

He said: “The special formula in Boots’ Hot Weather Refreshing Spray is a closely guarded secret. Only two scientists know— oh.”

BwdnaPTIMAEi97N 500x340 What is the secret behind Boots Hot Weather Refreshing Spray?

 

So as you can see, Boots are flogging plain ol’ water in a spray can and saying that the ‘Hot Weather Refreshing Spray’ is good ‘for sensitive skin’ and is to be used by ‘adults and children’.

You have to admire the brass balls on Boots for this.

People selling their votes in Scottish Independence

August 29th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Scottish Independence is a political hot potato (catch!) and, for the most part, people can’t muster up the energy to care. Even people in Scotland aren’t too fussed.

So much so that there’s some people willing to sell their vote on eBay.

Of course, this is electoral fraud, so the police have launched an investigation. They’re looking at the numerous listings which have appeared on internet auction site, and if you really want the vote to go a certain way on September 18th, then you can buy their ballot off them.

ebay indyref 500x281 People selling their votes in Scottish Independence

The Electoral Commission is aware of the listings and eBay has since removed the listings from its site. They’re bound to come back, thereby creating yet more internet Whack-A-Mole.

Some fella called ‘chrisoc1986′ sold their vote for a whopping £1.04.

The listing read: “This is my very own unique piece of British History! It is my personal YES or NO vote for the upcoming Scottish Referendum in September.”

“I for one, do not give a flying monkeys about any of this. This could be the deciding vote. Who knows? I am a hard working Scottish citizen with a house, a gorgeous wife and two beautiful kids who are my world.”

“This vote will not change anything in our lives so I have decided not to vote my opinion but instead….. ONE OF YOURS! Happy Bidding”

You can bet Alistair Darling is scouring eBay as we speak.

Scottish police said they are looking into it and a spokesman said: “Our policing arrangements for the referendum are well in hand and will be appropriate and proportionate. Police Scotland’s priority is to ensure public safety and security. We will respond appropriately to any issues which arise.”

“We are investigating these incidents and therefore cannot comment on the outcome of these incidents until all inquires are concluded. Where other incidents are reported they will be investigated and appropriate action taken.”

Nice day for a Vimto wedding

August 21st, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

vimto 171x300 Nice day for a Vimto weddingA Vimto-obsessed man has had a Vimto-themed wedding. No, he didn’t actually marry Vimto, but has settled on a lady instead.

Michael Tomlin of Cheshire, loves Vimto so much, he had his wedding to his bride Liz themed all around the purple goo.

Guests wore purple, they toasted with Vimto and dined on a variety of the soft drink’s spin-off products – even the priest wore a purple sash at St Gregory’s Church in Bollington, Cheshire.

Even the best man pulled out a presentation and joked that the wedding was sponsored by Vimto.

Michael explains that his obsession stemmed from when his gran used to make him the drink: ”When I met Liz I even took her to a Vimto statue in Manchester city centre for our first date and I proposed to her at the same spot four years later.”

“Vimto is at the centre of our hearts, so it was only fitting that it played a major part in our day. When I first met I was telling her the history of the drink and she loves all things history.”

Vimto is just about bloody EVERYWHERE for Michael, and he’s even snuck in a few cartons into his honeymoon luggage.

Which is the point where one would imagine his new wife should put her foot down.

Want knickers that look soiled? Urine luck!

August 11th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Urban Outfitters are selling some knickers for £5, reduced from £35, which is a good price right? However, these ‘Under Protection Tina Briefs in White and Lime’ have a major flaw.

They’ll make you look like you’ve pissed yourself.

5741447230006 034 b 333x500 Want knickers that look soiled? Urine luck!

The blurb on the site says: “Danish label Under Protection specialises in creating beautiful underwear from sustainable fabrics. These ultra-soft briefs are created from bamboo crepe fabric finished with a fresh dip dye.”

If you want to buy yourself or a loved-one some soiled-looking scads, then click here.

Courier leaves parcel on roof

August 11th, 2014 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

It is annoying when you find the ‘sorry, you were out’ slip when you’re waiting for a parcel (especially when you were in at the time), but a chap called Benjamin Ward shared something on Twitter that was quite unique.

A courier tried to deliver a parcel to him, and finding that he wasn’t in, decided to lob his package on top of Ward’s house with a note that said “stuck on roof – sorry!”.

ad 142705401 333x500 Courier leaves parcel on roof

Courier service myHermes found out about this and tweeted him: “Please accept our sincere apologies. This is unacceptable and we’re on it.”

And indeed they were – they sent their courier back with some ladders and made him fetch it according to Ward’s Twitter account.

Ward saw the funny side of it though, saying: “It was super-awkward. It was more funny than anything else, so I don’t really want to make a big deal of it.”

SexFit measures how good your man is in the sack

August 8th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Dirty vendors Bondara have released a thing called SexFit, which just so happens to be a device that straps onto the base of a man’s wang and measures bedroom performance.

No pressure.

Basically, it’s a cock-ring and once you pop it on, it utilises an accelerometer and Bluetooth module which tracks your ins-and-outs. The data is then transferred to the accompanying app which you and your lover can romantically digest together and coo at the number of calories burned and how many thrusts per minute you’ve done.

sexfit 500x317 SexFit measures how good your man is in the sack

It gets better! You can turn sex into a competition with your pals online as SexFit allows users to compare the humping sessions with each other on social media!

Never mind what your partner wants! You’ll need to beat Steve from the office who is currently top of the leaderboard and clearly has an arse like a hummingbird’s wing!

The device also has a “revolutionary pacing mode that vibrates in time to a pre-set rhythm”. Bondara says: “Match the rhythm with your thrusts for the most effective stimulation. Notification lights on the top of the ring will also show what mode the SexFit is in, and illuminate in the centre when the rhythm is steady.”

Is this the most romantic thing that’s ever been made?

pants Desirable items: The Half Cover Underwear Boxer Brief PantsUnderwear news now, and the seemingly ongoing quest to make men’s pants look deeply insane continues.

After we ran a story about the sickening half-thong (basically those cock thongs that rather demand you shave around that region, or else they’ll look REALLY ridiculous) emerged, new fresh Hell has come to greet us.

These – so you can update your End Times Playsheet – are called ‘Half Cover Underwear Boxer Briefs Pants’ (I’m assuming ‘Freakini’ or ‘WTFundercrackers’ have been taken) and they are actually a thing that is available on eBay right now, after an underwear designer invented them during the throes of a mental breakdown.

There’s not much more detail other than they’re ‘Comfy. Stylish. HOT’ and that ‘the colour may not be quite as advertised’, which is quite helpful should anyone be demented enough to buy them.

If you know of someone who has partaken of these pants, and has since not looked back and thrown all their old pants away, please write in and tell us.

The world is an awful, war torn place, full of dead children and Ebola, but sometimes, something comes along that restores your faith in humanity – like ICE CREAM THAT CHANGES COLOUR.

This Wonka-tastic invention is now a reality, thanks to science!

ice cream color 500x310 I scream, you scream, we all scream for colour changing ice cream!

Crazy physicist, engineer and ice cream crackpot Manuel Linares has created this amazing chameleon-like dessert which he calls Xamaleon.

(Er, maybe get a more catchy name that kids could actually pronounce?).

Anyway, Manuel puts the colour changing ice cream – which apparently tastes like a mixture of different fruit flavours – down to the fun central tenets of chemistry: temperature and oxidization.

Oh, and also the use of a VERY inappropriate sounding spray called ‘Love Elixir’ which turns it pink. Then, when you eat it, the colour changes begin.

Manuel’s invention is patent pending, and probably needs a bit of rebranding before it hits the shops. At the moment, it sounds like something you might get in Ann Summers.

But even so, it sounds pretty amazing.

ANT-AGEDDON

July 24th, 2014 No Comments By Lucy Sweet

ants ANT AGEDDONBEWARE OF THE ANTS! THE ANTS ARE COMING! Not just regular ants, either, but ASIAN SUPER ANTS!

*calls Daily Mail, faints*

What’s more, these super ants, also known as Fire ants, will eat through your home’s electricity cables and live in your plug sockets, causing potential fires.

They love a bit of electricity, because they’re EVIL, and they don’t even care if they get killed – it just makes their army stronger.

Fire ants aren’t usually found on these shores, but the species first made an appearance back in 2009, when 35,000 were found crawling all over a National Trust property in Gloucestershire. (Who counted them all?).

Now, a colony have taken over a house in Hendon, North West London, and they’ve been spotted in Buckinghamshire, too.

Jo Hodgkins from the National Trust said: “The problems with them are they seem to get attracted to electricity and they can take up residence in plug sockets and power sources, creating a fire hazard. They can easily establish themselves in somewhere like Britain and I would not be surprised if they colonised other areas. They are pretty tough little creatures.”

RUN! RUN from your new ant overlords!

Revealed: the voice of the self-service tills

July 7th, 2014 1 Comment By Lucy Sweet

helena breck Revealed: the voice of the self service tills As you pass your tins of beans and vacuum packed sandwiches over the beepy things, you’ve probably dimly wondered: ‘Who is the woman who does the voice on the supermarket self service tills?’

Is she a robot voice, developed in a lab by Tesco to hit the right soothing notes when she asks you whether you have a Clubcard for the 458,079th time? Or is it a real woman who once spent an afternoon in a sound booth trying to say ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’ in a variety of emotionally resonant ways?

Well, wonder no more. The voice of the tills (not to be confused with Alan ‘Voice of the Balls’ Dedicoat) is actress Helena Breck. Early devotees of 80s Eastenders might know her as the long-suffering wife of panto yuppie villain Wilmott-Brown. She was also in Crown Court and Triangle.

And now she’s the voice of 10,000 tills. What a CV!

Ms Breck was chosen after till manufacturer NCR were looking for a ‘calming voice and approachable manner.’ But like any actress, she doesn’t want to be typecast. There’s more to her range than ‘Please scan your items’, ‘Do you have a Clubcard?’ and ‘Please indicate payment type.’ She can do bloody SHAKESPEARE, darling.

‘Out damn spot! Out of the bagging area, I say.’

Stewart James Wright 300x199 Man tries to carry stolen 42inch telly – on his bike If you’re going to walk into a house and steal a MAHOOOOSIVE telly, you’d better make sure there’s plenty of room in the car boot.

In fact, you’d better make sure you have a getaway car in the first place, rather than a.. er, push bike.

This didn’t occur to bungling burglar Stewart James Wright of Middlesborough, who decided to steal the TV from a student house after seeing a door was open.

Pleased with his quick thinking, he carried the enormous telly out of the door, but was stopped by police further up the road when he was spotted trying to balance the 42 inch beast on the handlebars.

It’s not the first time that this light-fingered klepto has stolen things and been caught. In fact, the raucous robber has been nicked for a grand total of 192 offences during his illustrious career, and has appeared in court 80 times.

He’d just completed a year in prison after a fed up judge had sentenced him with the immortal words: ‘the public needs a rest from your activities.’

Still, you’ve got to admire his chutzpah.

‘A badger ate my wall’

April 24th, 2014 No Comments By Lucy Sweet

Successful home insurance claims aren’t just about humdrum leaky pipes or articulated lorries crashing into the front of your house. At the RIAS, amongst the 400,000 insurance claims they receive a year, there’s a regular stream of wild and wacky incidents involving babies vomiting on laptops, badgers chewing through masonry and squirrels breaking windows.

badger ‘A badger ate my wall

In their top ten of strange claims, a snail ate £78 worth of carpet at a man’s house in Preston, a pigeon fell down a chimney and destroyed the carpet, ornaments and sofa, causing £8000 worth of damage, and a woman locked a badger in her shed, which then ate through her wall. There was also the deer who fell into a swimming pool.

But the piece de resistance has to be the dog from Galashiels, who saw another dog on the telly and TRIED TO JUMP THROUGH THE SCREEN.

With the weary air of someone who has seen it all before, Peter Corfield, managing director of the RIAS said:

‘Sometimes it’s the most unlikely events that can end up causing real damage. Not all claims are straightforward and sometimes we do see some bizarre scenarios. But, saying that, babies and animals are often the culprits.’