Can’t really function without tooting enough cocaine to fell an adolescent hippo? Do you like smoking tabs and getting wankered on WKD whilst pregnant?

Have you ever invited film crews to shoot every moment of your life, including the time someone stuck a pipe through your skin to slurp all that fat out of you?

Or maybe you’re a cackling know-nothing harridan who likes spouting off about piss-all on TV every lunch time and has claimed to be a nervous 16 year old debutante in a previous life as well as saying that gay people shouldn’t be allowed near children… children that you’d send to prostitutes if they passed their GCSEs?

Basically, if you live your life like an unfathomable dunce from a Chat Magazine column, then you might be interested in a job that’s come up.

You see, Iceland (the supermarket) is launching an X Factor style search for an ordinary customer to become its new “face”.

A face that could appear in adverts next to piles of budget grub that you’ll try and persuade the public to push into their gobs. Gobs already not averse to the ingestion of ‘meals’ that turn the blood into something that looks like pate in brine. Blood that is tired of being slowly squeezed through butter-lined, near-collapsing arteries. Blood. Blood. Blood. Basically, a replacement for Coleen Nolan, who is stepping down from the ads.

These commercials will probably be like those dreadful B&Q spots where real people regale us all with good value whilst appearing to be reading from an autocue at gunpoint. Or the Oxo family with a crystal meth habit.

Marketing chief of Iceland, Nick Canning said to the Mirror: “Coleen is a hard act to follow so we’ve decided to turn the spotlight on our customers to give them a chance.” And pay them less, or so we assume.

The posterwoman for frozen gluttony will be announced in April.

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