In the attempt to get noticed over other ear-tag vendors, fast-food shops like to do online campaigns which are a bit quirky. There was that dancing chicken bloke who you could make… well… do stuff.

Now, Burger King are at it, with some lass in a shower with what they’re imaginatively dubbing ‘Burger King Presents Singing In The Shower‘.

So, if you’re in the business of getting a lob-on over some no-mark in a shower, scrubbing her arse while she sings a pop hit every morning, this showercam should be the best thing you’ve seen since Porky’s Revenge.

Of course, the marketing chumps missed a trick here. What they should have done is something far more humiliating. They should have got a girl who can’t sing for toffee and forced her to squirm in a bikini shaped like a Chicken Royale Meal whilst people abused her live. That would have been funny. It would’ve been like The Wide Awake Club’s ‘Singing In The Shower’ section which got simpletons to butcher ’80s pop hits.

Burger King are also offering the chance to win a date with our little performing monkey, which I imagine, won’t go as hoped for many of the inevitable onanists as it won’t involve a quick soapy wank, but rather, an awkward encounter involving some blokes from Burger King’s marketing department constantly saying “Having fun?” and “No touching Burger Girl!”

Unless, of course, they’re actually going to prostitute this poor wannabe starlet.

Click here to see Burger King’s ShowerCam

Rammstein are a silly, silly metal outfit who deal in schlock shock and sleaze. Oh, and occasional Nazi imagery.

So in the face of people generally not being all that interested in buying tangible music related products, they’ve decided that a good way to get noticed is to release their new album, Liebe Ist Für Alle Da, with a range of executive massage devices… or, dildos to you and me.

For your buck, you’ll get five extra tracks (which will invariably be available on torrents) and a metal flight case filled with six vibrators. One can only hope that they aren’t designed on the six members’ members of the band. Oh, and for good measure, you’ll get some handcuffs and lubricant.

The download version will no doubt come with a soundwave shaped like a fanny or something.

Anyway, as a marketing tool, you can’t knock it because, lets face it, we wouldn’t normally cover the release of a daft German metal release on these pages.

[ClassicRock]

Most adverts are irritating flecks of minutiae that do nothing but present a very clear reason why the product in question is the last thing you’d want in your life. Some, on the other hand, are very clever indeed. It’s not always a question of what the product is or what the advert says about it, but where the ad appears.

Here’s another great example. The building on the left is the renowned Haitong Securities building in Shanghai, famous for looking like it’s been caught in a draft. On the right, a giant tarpaulin for Midea fans. Brilliant:

[Copyranter]

Auctiva is a site for hardcore eBay power users; it produces management software and tools so you can sell more items and spend less time listing them – templates, listing software, image hosting and so on. But how good are Auctiva at selling themselves?

Of course it’s no surprise whatsoever that companies will try anything to force us into a sale, but most aren’t stupid enough to tell the consumer. Bitterwallet reader Guy Gibson received an email from Auctiva at the weekend:

“An hour and a half later they sent the same email again, but this time with the subject line “Time is running out”. Looks like someone dropped a bollock and sent the test out to all of their customers. Whoops.”

Anymore spectacular mailing list mistakes out there? You know what to do with them by now. You don’t? Send them to bitterwallet@gmail.com, that’s what.

Recession proof

American fast food behemoth McDonald’s is one of a handful of chains doing decently well in the recession. But for the amount of time and labour spent on planning their “recession marketing strategy“, this should be no surprise.

Speaking to the American Marketing Association’s Mplanet 2009 conference in January of this year, McDonald’s Chief Marketing Officer Mary Dillon said that the chain is in the “busy lifestyle business,” which she categorized as a growth industry as people work more hours to try and make ends meet.

Here in the UK, the “global brand promise” and localized strategy technique has involved such things as direct advertising of its Apple Dippers, as a tie-in to the movie Madagascar 2. This, Dillon said, linked entertainment with food choice.

Another campaign was aimed at developing excitement for the introduction of the McFlurry (in France) by a three-pronged digital campaign on several platforms: TV, mobile, online, and ringtones. All platforms hammered on the theme of “customising your McFlurry.”

In Japan, a tie-in with Nintendo has been successful. The combination of old school outdoor advertising with computer game characters and trial game versions in Happy Meals connects what’s hot in Japan with going to McDonald’s.

Is this combination of global and local marketing based on comprehensive research the reason for McDonald’s relatively smooth ride through the current global recession? Or is it simply one of the few things that people have not had to totally give up despite hard times?

Of course marketing and advertising doesn’t affect you. In fact you never pay attention to adverts you see on television, billboards, petrol pump caps, telephone boxes – you only buy what you like, and nobody will persuade you to do otherwise. In which case, why the hell did you buy what you’ve bought in the first place? If you’re not a mindless drone soaking up every marketing message you’re exposed to, why are you a slave to particular brands of products?

An annonymous blogger and advertising creative called Jane Sample created a day in her life, illustrated by the brands she used at home and work:

Other bloggers have since joined in to create these brand timeline portraits, that drill home exactly how habitual we are regarding particular products. We thought we’d have a go, so we pooled together our collective exposure to brands in the Bitterwallet office over the course of a routine day, and came up with this: (more…)

Anybody who works is advertising and marketing is undoubtedly a social pariah or a bunch of organs that’ll hopefully be donated sooner rather than later. But occasionally such sub-humans manage to pull off some subtle yet entirely brilliant campaign that suggests there may be more to their whore-mongering minds than simply robbing you by every legal avenue possible.

For instance, when the smartarses at Audi’s marketing HQ decided to stick it to BMW on a billboard in LA, some bigger but altogether cleverer smartarses at BMW’s agency literally beat them at their own game:

Taxi for Audi.

[BMWblog]

All those in the Bitterwallet office are partial to a little crisp rustling. It’s not uncommon for Andy to batter a man to death over the final packet of Worcester Sauce on the shelf, and there isn’t a brand of Prawn Cocktail that hasn’t gone untested by my gut. And we rarely see eye-to-eye on such world-shattering matters.

So it’s no surprise we’ve been sucked into the latest marketing ruse by Walkers to introduce a new flavour of crisp to the nation. But given that we gents are so passionate about our fried potato intake and the flavourings thereof, it’s unusual we’ve found ourselves in consistent agreement regarding the six varieties being put to a public vote; they’re all, to a bag, shit.

Onion Bhaji flavoured crisps should be the easiest to get right, since the world has adored Cheese & Onion since the dawn of time. Take out the cheese, stir in the Indian spices. Simple? Apparently not, because the result is a crisp that has had all flavour – including that of potato – removed at the molecular level.

Chilli and Chocolate are poor bedfellows; again the chilli element is proven but the chocolate is a heavy mouthful. Builders Breakfast taste of bacon and arse. Cajun Squirrel is simply spicy and gets away with it because few people can quantify the squirrelly element. Duck and Hoi Sin Sauce tastes of something as far removed from the description as it’s possible to get. And Fish and Chips – fish flavour… and potato flavour. Genius.

A disgrace, the lot of them – the most insulting participation contest the public has seen. Walkers are urging the public to pick their favourite, but we can’t wait; we want to know what you think of these six bastardisations right now. Is there any flavour that could become as iconic as Salt & Vinegar or Prawn Cocktail, or is it well executed marketing campaign that’s all mouth and no trousers?

Normally we show an ad here, but we got to thinking about how hard it could actually be to make your own ad, say if you were a small business or an exciting consumer-focussed website.

After doing a miniscule amount of research, we found this video, from the company Jump Start Video. Everything you need to know is here and you’ll be amazed to learn that this tutorial was itself produced on a tiny budget. Staggering.

[Buzz Feed]

Placing the most popular products furthest from the entrance; impulse purchases at the tills; ensuring that whatever you went in for, you walk past as many products and up all the bastard aisles before you find it – we’ve all know that millions are spent by supermarkets on researching new ways to brainwash us while we mosey on through.

There’s point-of-sale material too, in-store marketing such as the legendary Tesco yellow labels. Because they have physical stand-out and represent a financial saving to us, we’re effectively trained by Tesco to become sensitive to their presence and more susceptible to purchasing the item on offer.

The same is true of all retail stores; point-of-sale material is there to teach us what the shop would prefer we bought. Eventually, we come to trust these offers because as beneficial as they are to retailers if we make a purchase, we make a saving too. Everyone’s a winner it seems, unless the trust is abused:

Bitterwallet reader Stuart Ashton found the above example and sent it to us – the sticker promised a saving and the customer saw no reason to doubt it, so he trusted it and bought the item. Another “pointless” offer from the high street or against the law? According to Consumer Direct when we asked them earlier, most certainly the latter. It may have been a one-off mistake, but advertising a product as reduced in price when it isn’t would put a shop on shaky ground with Trading Standards.

How does the situation differ with our recent example of the Argos sale? In that case, though some goods were available for less before the sale, a comparison to previous prices was provided. Even while we may think that’s very confusing for the customer, Argos played by the rules of consumer law. in the example above, the retailer appears to have marked an item as reduced in price without bothering to reduce it, and without providing any evidence that the item may have been sold at a higher price in the past six months.

If you find any examples of the high street abusing your trust during the sales, send them to us at bitterwallet@gmail.com. If you’re not too busy calling Trading Standards, that is.

We can comprehend a one year warranty for a household product, and we can process the length of time a three year warranty on a car might last. But 20 years? Can anyone get their head round a point in time that far in the future? Nope. Boo, said Schott Solar, who provide a two decade warranty with their solar panel products.

So how does the company help customers envision just how invaluable and long-lasting such a warranty is? It calls in the marketing boys and girls, who proceed to come up with a bloody good idea:

Of course we’re referring to the calendar, not the suspiscious-looking gentlement presenting it in an entirely lacklustre manner, that more suited to an adult bookstore. Yes, the calendar is good for 20 years, just like your solar panels, plus you have something to limbo under on your way in and out of the office. And your company gets talked about for a very simple marketing gimmick that catches the eye. Perfect.

[likecool]

So you’re sat in the bar with the girls after work one evening, when a man you vaguely recognise walks across to your table and asks what you’ll be cooking dinner for him. And he mentions he needs the dry cleaning picking up, too. Your confusion quickly becomes screaming panic when he explains that you’re married to him. Seems you went on a blind date with him over a year ago, it didn’t work out and as a result you two are hitched.

What?

Of course that’s idiotic, but something similar can happen to folk who do nothing more than browse online for a loan. The Advertising Standards Agency (ASA) has held up two complaints concerning a company trading as Advantage Loans, because the company was seemingly demanding sign-off on a loan they hadn’t applied for. (more…)

Apparently there’s a credit crunch recession going down and it’s only going to get worse. And don’t we all know it.

You’ve cut your social life down to the bare minimum, you’ve sold a child to meet a mortgage payment and a box of standard eggs is costing one pound fifty?

It’s not all doom and gloom, though. Well it is, but it’s nothing that can’t be tarted up by a marketing department to become the opportunity you’ve been waiting for.

A Newcastle estate agents have found a novel way to deal with what amounts to certain financial disaster for the sector. As house prices fall through the floor into the cellar, Rook Matthews Sayer has declared an ‘Autumn Sale’. (more…)