Whenever we try and imagine the typical Bitterwallet reader, we think of someone shovelling handfuls of cakey biscuits into their gob while lounging around in the middle of the day watching old films. The kind of oaf who would be far too fat around the fingers to be able to use a mini-laptop.

Is that you? If so, only 66% of today’s bargains from HotUKDeals are aimed at you. You complete and utter slob.

We’ve all seen those big-mouthed, loud-trousered oafs who make complete fools of themselves by trying to neck a yard of ale down the local pub, usually ending up with a shirt of ale instead. But a yard of Jaffa Cakes? That’s an altogether different prospect. And at only £2.49 you can’t go wrong.

Unlike the yard of ale, there won’t be a braying crowd of arseholes clapping, chanting and egging you on while your scoffing your Jaffa Cakes. In fact you can just settle down in front of an old film on Channel 4 one weekday afternoon and slowly work your way through them.

It gets better – now every day can feel like a weekday afternoon spent watching Channel 4 with this 10-disc David Lean DVD box set including some of the great man’s greatest films. Great – and it’s only £16.99! Greaters!

Yes, it’s got Hobson’s Choice. Yes, it’s got Great Expectations. Yes, it’s got Blithe Spirit. Yes, it’s got Brief Encounter. No, it hasn’t got Smokey And The Bandit 2. No, of course it hasn’t got Wall-E. Yes, you should get it anyway.

Finally comes a laptop that is both very cheap and extremely cheerful. It’s the MSI Wind U100 10-inch mini laptop and it’s only £199.99. When we first saw it we were hit by the double whammy that it was made from the killer bug MRSI and that it was wind-up.

But then we realised that we’d just misread the information, something that you might do yourself if your eyesight can’t cope with an itsy-bitsy 10-inch screen. You might also struggle with the keys if you’re a fat-handed twat. Just saying like.

(deals found by HUKD members holly100, andywedge and Nathan J)

A Cineworld yesterday

In a story that is currently spreading across Twitter like some kind of dark green ooze, it has been revealed that the Cineworld cinema chain have now banned filmgoers from taking laptops into screenings, in fear that they might record the film.

Because, you know, if you wanted to make a sneaky recording of Pixar’s Up to spread all over the internet, you’d choose to do it on a cumbersome laptop as opposed to a mobile phone or a video camera that had been carefully fitted into a secret compartment inside your top hat. Wouldn’t you?

In spite of making a pirate movie with a laptop being the daftest idea since taking boxing gloves to a book signing, TV and radio broadcaster Jeremy Nicholas found himself prevented from entering a screening at his local Cineworld last night because he had his laptop with him. Staff told him he would have to leave it with them and collect it after the film, in spite of the fact that they had no kind of receipt system in place.

Wisely, Jeremy “declined the kind offer to look after my £1500 Sony Vaio that contains all my current work projects, plus some half baked book ideas.”

He and his laptop were eventually allowed in to see the film, after convincing the cinema’s child-faced manager that the Vaio didn’t actually have a camera in it.

In his blog, Jeremy adds: “I often pop in to the movies after work, so I often have the laptop with me and I wanted to check that this was definitely out from now on.  He said after advice from FACT, the Federation Against Copyright Theft, Cineworld had brought in the new guidelines.”

“I asked if it would be OK to take my mobile phone into the film as that does have the capacity to record movies.  He asked if I was planning to use it for that purpose. I said no.  He said it would be all right then. Not the most rigorous interrogation and one that a determined bootlegger probably could have passed.”

And the movie that Jeremy saw? ‘Surrogates.’ In the man’s own words, “[POSSIBLE MASSIVE FUCKING SPOILER ALERTS!!!!!!!!!!!] about a future world where people have been replaced by robots. Everything ran smoothly for a while, but in the end it all went wrong because the robots were efficient but lacked humanity.” Hmmm, what does that remind us of?

Bitterwallet have approached Cineworld for a quote but they have yet to respond. We’ll bring you their thoughts as and when we get them.

Now in their thirties and wondering why they’re unable to reproduce, a generation of men have forgotten all the hysterical headlines of the 90s when newspapers warned of laptops boiling their sperm in their sacks. Years later, those sacks are withered and barren, the man jam bereft of any long-tailed sailors looking to make port.

The world will lose a whole swathe of the population, but there’s still hope for that are yet to begin idling away their evenings on the sofa, scouring The Hun for pornography and slowly cooking their groin while their girlfriend watches Law & Order repeats on Hallmark. Introducing the Portable LapDeskoTron thing:

It’s bastardly obvious, but it helps protect your legs and crotchal region from heat given off by your laptop, and also provides a mousepad so you don’t suffer the inevitable hand cramp from using a trackpad for hours on end. Simple enough, but these guys maybe have just saved civilisation.

[Logitech]

Finally, a post without childish banality, puerile language and any reference whatsoever to iPhones, Apple, DSGi, 3, Ryanair, Setanta or Tesco. In fact there’s no need to slap on the cynicism and powder this post’s posey in potty-mouthed filth. It’s a straight forward, simple-as-you-like post, just like the cardboard laptop stand.

It’s a dead simple bit of design that’ll manage most laptops of regular size and weight. There are the health benefits too, it’s obviously recyclable and it costs far less than the plastic equivilent.

Why mention it? Because it’ll save you a lot of money compared to other stands and because it’s a clever idea. There we are. And not a single mention of twatsticks or Sky Marshall O’Leary. Apart from those two, obviously.

Today’s advertorial offering is a bizarre commercial from the USA. It’s for a Lenovo W700ds laptop but we don’t think it’s the final version of the ad.

For starters, it looks as though it cost about eight dollars to make. Secondly, there seems to very little logic to the story they’re trying to tell. Thirdly, does the laptop REALLY have a little extra, slide-out screen.

Ultimately though, the girl in the ad is so hot she makes us drool and that’s basically why we’re showing you the ad. Yes, we ARE that shallow.

Attention ill folks! Now you can be a long-term poorly old sausage without having to get out of bed and visit your doctor. That’s thanks to Intel’s new home medical laptop gizmo, which will store your medical history and check you out now and again, even setting up a conference call with a doctor if you need one.

Not sure how you’ll go about having a bed bath or get greased up by a sexy nurse like that scene in The Singing Detective (which infuriatingly isn’t on YouTube). We suppose you’ll have to do it yourself. Just make sure you’ve switched off the two-way link to your GP’s videophone before you do.

PRO:  You don’t have to go anywhere and can suffer moodily from the comfort of your own stinking pit.

CON:  You can’t tell if your GP reeks of whisky – usually a good indicator as to whether you should follow his advice or not.