Can’t really function without tooting enough cocaine to fell an adolescent hippo? Do you like smoking tabs and getting wankered on WKD whilst pregnant?

Have you ever invited film crews to shoot every moment of your life, including the time someone stuck a pipe through your skin to slurp all that fat out of you?

Or maybe you’re a cackling know-nothing harridan who likes spouting off about piss-all on TV every lunch time and has claimed to be a nervous 16 year old debutante in a previous life as well as saying that gay people shouldn’t be allowed near children… children that you’d send to prostitutes if they passed their GCSEs?

Basically, if you live your life like an unfathomable dunce from a Chat Magazine column, then you might be interested in a job that’s come up.

You see, Iceland (the supermarket) is launching an X Factor style search for an ordinary customer to become its new “face”.

A face that could appear in adverts next to piles of budget grub that you’ll try and persuade the public to push into their gobs. Gobs already not averse to the ingestion of ‘meals’ that turn the blood into something that looks like pate in brine. Blood that is tired of being slowly squeezed through butter-lined, near-collapsing arteries. Blood. Blood. Blood. Basically, a replacement for Coleen Nolan, who is stepping down from the ads.

These commercials will probably be like those dreadful B&Q spots where real people regale us all with good value whilst appearing to be reading from an autocue at gunpoint. Or the Oxo family with a crystal meth habit.

Marketing chief of Iceland, Nick Canning said to the Mirror: “Coleen is a hard act to follow so we’ve decided to turn the spotlight on our customers to give them a chance.” And pay them less, or so we assume.

The posterwoman for frozen gluttony will be announced in April.

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The news that McDonald’s is pulling out of Iceland next week, is a big ol’ sign that this credit crunch is not going to vanish in a hurry. Of course, Iceland had it pretty bad, effectively being left bankrupt.

Whilst the headline seems semi-shocking, the reality of it is that the fast-food behemoth only had three outlets out there anyway.

Jon Ogmundsson, managing director of Lyst, holder of the McDonald’s franchise in Iceland, said the rising cost of importing ingredients and no sign of an end to the economic slump meant that the business was no longer financially viable.

A Big Mac in Reykjavik sells for 650 krona (£3.22). However, a 20% price hike would be required to make a healthy profit, which would make the Icelandic Big Mac the most expensive in the world at 780 krona (£3.86).

Seeing as Britain is looking like a place that won’t be able to haul its sorry arse out of the slump for a while, the thought of McDonald’s pulling away from these shores conjures up images not unlike the year everyone went nuts buying petrol. Drive-ins would be flooded with people stocking up on McNuggets and those really long plastic spoons and there would be riots over Happy Meal toys.

Mercifully, we’re greedy swines and McDonald’s know it.

[The Guardian]

Juan Cabral is the advertising ‘visionary’ who came up with the Sony ‘Balls’ ad and the Cadbury ‘Gorilla’ thing. Ladies and gentlemen, he is an artist. He eats ideas and shits genius. He is Argentine. He is to be feared and adored.

And he’s just made this – it’s an online-only Sony ad, shot in the Icelandic town of Seydisfjordur where Cabral filled the tiny hamlet with hundreds of speakers before blasting out tracks by the likes of Mum, Bob Dylan and the Guillemots. The poor bastards who had to live among it all look utterly petrified, as though a nuclear war is about to come over the hill and suck all their heads off.

It is a truckload of monstrous bollocks from start to finish and we defy you to stick with it throughout its near-three minute length. Not even a drumming gorilla could save it. We’re predicting that Cabral will make his debut feature film in the next couple of years and it will be incomprehensible rubbish. Well done everyone at Sony.

The High Street faces more trauma as an Icelandic company with a stake in a string of famous names has been forced to apply for bankruptcy protection.

Baugur owns a slice of Hamleys, House of Fraser, Debenhams, French Connection, Karen Millen and Goldsmiths among others. Confusingly, they also have a portion of frozen food giants Iceland. Baugur have made the move after the recently-nationalised Icelandic bank Landsbanki ended talks about restructuring.

Analysts are predicting a firesale of Baugur assets which could put retail giant Sir Phillip Green in the driving seat. He travelled to Iceland (the country not the shop) late last year to discuss buying up £1 billion worth of Baugur debt but the deal was not completed. Don’t be surprised if he’s readying his cheque book and licking the tip of his majestic quill as you’re reading this.

Thanks to Darren Wolstencroft and HotUKDeals.

Talk about leaving it late in the day. Actually, Iceland left it a whole three days later; Kerry Katona’s favourite company has announced it’s bought 51 of the old Woolworths stores.

The purveyor of the five quid prawn ring has said it will create 2,500 new jobs, which is a thin silver lining after Woolies laid off 30,000 staff. In a statement, Iceland said: “We are confident we can help to support the local community in these towns who have lost a major High Street retailer in Woolworths.”

According to the BBC, Iceland first made an offer to buy all of Woolworths’ stores in August, but the bid was declared unacceptable. Around three quarters of the stores bought are in the south of England, including ten in London.

There’s no word on what format the new stores will take, but sleep safe tonight knowing you won’t be going short of southern-fried chicken portions anytime soon.

[BBC]

Research has shown that the public prefer to see stars such as Lewis Hamilton, Twiggy and Gary Lineker in TV ads as opposed to ‘people’ like Kerry Katona.
Seems they want winners, achievers, people with dignity and grace. Not porky drunks who gladly let the cameras come along every time they go off for another tit expansion/reduction.

Well, who’dve thunk it? Here’s Katona’s latest Iceland ad, where she pedals such disgusting-sounding treats as duck and vegetable boats and beef and pepperoni kebabs to fellow z-listers Jason Donovan and That Nolan Woman. Hang on, I love duck, beef and pepperoni – so why does this ad make me want to hurl straight up my own sleeve?