Posts Tagged ‘government’

You know what it’s like. You try to find a reputable tradesman, and some pie eating git with a gut the size of the moon comes into your house, whistles through his teeth and tells you it’ll cost a thousand quid to put up a shelf. Then they bugger it up and you have to pay someone else to do it.

handy andy 300x300 Terrible tradesmen cost the UK nearly £2 billion

Well, last year, incompetent tradesmen cost UK householders an estimated £1.9 BILLION in botched repairs that had to be redone.

The figures, from the TrustMark tradesman scheme, said that one in five people who have had work done in their homes have had to employ someone else to fix problems – costing an average of £600.

The problems start when trying to choose someone from the job. A quarter of us will employ people based on recommendations from friends and family, while 57% of homeowners didn’t bother to check their qualifications. 6% of us simply go for the cheapest quote.

TrustMark is a government endorsed set of standards for tradesmen, which has been updated and is due to be launched soon. Consumer minister Jenny Willot said:

‘Every trader who has signed up to the scheme has been independently assessed for their competence. We want to put rogue or unscrupulous tradesmen out of business. One of the best ways to do this is to pick out the best businesses, so people know where to turn first for their home improvements, maintenance and repairs.I would encourage all legitimate and honest tradesmen to sign up to this scheme.’

That’s all well and good. But if you were a dishonest tradesman, wouldn’t you just sign up for it anyway?

flaming cd hand Behind the times government to legalise ripping CDs and DVDsThe government, in an attempt to drag its ass into the digital age, have decided to finally legalise ripping CDs and DVDs onto an Mp3 player.

*tumbleweed*

In a move that seems to have been devised by Mr Burns from the Simpsons, the UK Intellectual Property Office is proposing to update copyright law to make it legal, even though everybody ditched CDs and DVDs ages ago.

The IPO announced the news by printing it out on striped green perforated paper and faxing it.

They said: The changes make small but important reforms to UK copyright law and aim to end the current situation where minor and reasonable acts of copying which benefit consumers, society and the economy are unlawful.’

(But apparently it’ll still be illegal to make copies of your CDs and DVDs for friends and family. Hahhahaha.)

The government will actually be debating this in the Houses of Parliament next month, and if it’s agreed, the law will be changed in June.

I wonder whether they’ve heard about these great new things called 78s? You can play them on the gramophone, so I hear.

British Gas has been accused of trying to put the frighteners on people, after gasbag Centrica boss Sam Laidlow warned that an investigation into the energy market may lead to power blackouts.

about british gas image British Gas accused of scaremongering over blackout claims

He claimed that potential investors will be put off from backing an updated energy infrastructure if Ofgem started shaking up the energy industry with its two-year investigation.

His reasoning is that the potential breaking up of the Big Six would create uncertainty and decrease investment in the energy market, leading to what he called a ‘substantial risk’ of outages and blackouts. Ooh, we’re so SCARED.

Obviously, this sounds like a lot of desperate, self-serving bollocks, and everyone in the world has come out to tell him so, including uSwitch, Ofgem, the Tories, the Lib Dems, energy secretary Ed Davey and the Shadow energy secretary Caroline Flint, who said:

‘Nobody will be fooled by scaremongering from the energy companies. What matters for investors is long-term certainty on returns, not short-term gains based on overcharging.’

So what’s Mr Laidlow got to hide, we wonder? Could it be that he doesn’t want his £2.2m a year wage packet taken away from him? I mean, what’s going to happen if he can’t afford to fill his hot tub with Dom Perignon any more?

Rampant sickies are killing Britain!

February 10th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

sick 300x200 Rampant sickies are killing Britain!

Sick leave – it’s all the rage in the UK. As many as 960,000 employees went on sick leave for a month or more, each year on average between October 2010 and September 2013, according to new research by the government.

It is said that more than 130 million days were lost to sickness absence in the UK, which impacts on workers, employers and taxpayers, and employers face a yearly bill of £9 billion for sick pay and around £4 billion in lost earnings.

Obviously the government of ‘the hard working’ aren’t having any of it, so as part of the launch of the Health & Work Service, employees will be expected to have health assessments, and also draw up timetables of when they aim to be better.

The Health and Work Service will help employees who have been on sickness absence for 4 weeks to return to work and support employers to better manage sickness absence among their workforce. It’s expected to save employers £70 million a year and cut the time people spend off work by 20% to 40%”.

The new Health and Work Service will be funded through the abolition of the Statutory Sick Pay (SSP) Percentage Threshold Scheme (PTS) – an outdated system which does nothing to promote or support active management of sickness absences by either the employer or employee.

Bag of shite – 5p

February 6th, 2014 14 Comments By Lucy Sweet

The government has been accused of making a mighty balls up of their 5p plastic bag scheme. The Environmental Audit Committee say that the 5p charge on plastic bags, which is intended to reduce the amount of Morrisons carriers flapping sadly on tree branches, is confusing and ill conceived.

tesco bag 300x187 Bag of shite   5p

A government plan that’s confusing and ill conceived, you cry? It’s hard to believe, but the problem with it is that under the new scheme, biodegradable bags, paper bags and bags given out by small retailers are exempt – and the ECA quite rightly say that’s silly.

The ECA’s chairwoman, Joan Walley said: ‘Ministers have managed to make a complete mess of their planned carrier bags charge by making it unnecessarily complicated.

Carrier bags litter our streets and harm wildlife, and the Government is right to want to reduce their use. But Defra seems to have made decisions about the design of this scheme that were based more on wishful thinking than hard evidence.’

The charge is due to come into effect from next year in England, but the ECA want ministers to rethink the plan before it goes ahead.

After all, what’s the difference between a swan being strangled by a Sainsbury’s bag or a Jo Malone bag? (Apart from maybe its corpse might smell a bit nicer?)

Last chance for Ofgem to end energy monopoly

January 30th, 2014 4 Comments By Lucy Sweet

Ofgem has been about as effective in regulating the Big Six as a squirrel trying operate a fork lift truck, and now ministers say it’ll be scrapped if it doesn’t end the monopoly on the energy market.

energy bills 300x300 Last chance for Ofgem to end energy monopoly

The ministers’ exact words were that it was in the ‘last chance saloon’ and if it doesn’t encourage more small suppliers to compete, it’ll be scrapped like broken combi boiler.

The government wants to shake up the energy market and create more competition, and have accused Ofgem of getting too cosy with the Big Six. As a result, the big buggers are profiteering, while insisting to Ofgem that their profit margins are small.

Unless Ofgem up their game and deliver an actual plan to end the reign of the Big Six, and stop customers from being overcharged (which is why they exist in the first place), then they will be dissolved, and energy regulation will be in the hands of the Department of Energy and Climate Change.

Ofgem got a bit stroppy about rumours that they might be for the chop. ‘We don’t comment on speculation. We are working with the OFT and the Competition and Markets Authority on our assessment of competition in the energy market and we will be publishing by the end of March.’

Meanwhile, it seems that they’re REALLY not popular in Whitehall – so they’d better watch it.

‘Ofgem have been a nightmare for years.’ Said one government source. ‘They keep Government in the dark about what they’re doing and then spring things on us at the last minute – usually at 3.30 on a Friday afternoon.’

Nuisance calls hit 2 million a day

January 16th, 2014 No Comments By Lucy Sweet

If you feel deluged by PPI pipsqueaks and recorded message junk calls, then here’s why. According to government figures, there are 2 million nuisance calls in Britain EVERY DAY.

nev 300x180 Nuisance calls hit 2 million a day

Last year, 30 million of us were contacted about misold PPI, but in a separate survey of around 5000 people by the Citizens Advice Bureau, it revealed that personal injury companies made the highest volume of sales calls, followed by gas and electricity suppliers and double glazing idiots.

We’re also regularly harassed by text, too, and other culprits include debt consolidation services and pension unlocking. This is despite the fact that 9 out of 10 of us wouldn’t trust these cold calling shysters anyway. (It almost makes you pine for that advert with that bloke falling off a ladder at work.)

The issue of what can be done about nuisance calls is being debated in the Commons today,with Lib Dem MP Mike Crockart demanding to have them banned. Meanwhile, Gillian Guy from the Citizens Advice Bureau said:

‘It is time companies hang-up marketing plans that bombard people with unwanted phone calls, text messages and automated voicemails. I’d like to see financial service companies banned from cold calling. A ban on these firms would help people know a call out of the blue is one not to be trusted.’

And surely the success rate of these calls must be so low that companies will have to reconsider their marketing strategy anyway? How about something more wholesome and fun? Like blimps? Or sky writing?

Hey kids – be ‘street’ on the net, yeah?

January 13th, 2014 1 Comment By Lucy Sweet

The government, in its usual hopeless and clunky way, have launched an initiative called the ‘Cyber Streetwise’ campaign, to encourage people to be on their guard on the internet.

cyber crime 300x223 Hey kids – be ‘street’ on the net, yeah?

Sadly, it doesn’t feature Zammo from Grange Hill, but the campaign urges people to be more ‘savvy’ with their personal security online, doing things like changing passwords, updating virus software and checking privacy settings in the battle against cyber crime.

No matter that these hooded cyber criminals are smarter than you are, and that their methods are constantly changing. Or that social networks like Snapchat and Google + have massive holes in their security that you can’t do anything about. It’s all down to YOU.

Government security minister James Brokenshire (who probably owns the whole of Brokenshire and a large part of Rutland) said, grandly: ‘As a government we are taking the fight to cyber criminals wherever they are in the world. However, by taking a few simple steps while online the public can keep cyber criminals out and their information safe.’

The campaign comes after a survey found that we really are a bit lackadaisical with our internet safety, with only 44% downloading security software on new devices. But it’s ok, the government is here! And as well as the ‘Cyber Street’ website, they’re also asking websites who have government connections to display a special safety ‘kitemark’.

Aw, how quaint!

Never mind that it would probably take the average cyber criminal about 20 minutes to hack into them.

old driver car Driving insurance premiums to fall thanks to online driving recordsMinisters are saying that all driving records are being moved online, which should mean that the cost of your car insurance should fall. The days of keeping the paper bit of your insurance with your licence is soon to be over (mid 2015, they predict).

Premiums should fall because insurers will now be able to check you for traffic offences, which means, if you’ve been a good driver, you’ll get a cheaper deal as the insurance companies won’t have to make guesses about the risk of motorists.

Now, all your speeding points and the like, will be available online. If you’ve been a lousy driver, this is not great news. This might not be great news for anyone if you consider the government’s record of IT cock-ups.

The Association of British Insurers says there should be ”significant cost savings” resulting from “reducing the need to obtain paper copies of licences from policyholders” and the DVLA will allow insurers to access information through the gov.uk website using an individual’s licence number, national insurance number and postcode.

This comes after the news that paper tax discs will be scrapped and that the paper counterpart to the driving licence photo card is to be killed off too.

The DVLA said that “although some services cannot be delivered digitally, such as assessing a customer’s fitness to drive, we can improve the processes supporting the delivery of these services through making greater use of digital tools”.

Are you happy for all your details to be on a government website in exchange for cheaper insurance, or is this an accident waiting to happen?

IT boob at the Department of Transport

January 3rd, 2014 10 Comments By Lucy Sweet

Workers at the Department for Transport have been REVVING THEIR ENGINES during a boring day of admin with some rather racy internet searches, like ‘Big Boobs in Tight Blouses.’

Department for Transport 007 300x180 IT boob at the Department of Transport

Yes, while your rail fares rise, something else is rising under the Department of Transport desks. According to Freedom of Information figures, Whitehall employees tried to get at porn 47 times last year, attempting to access Playboy and something called ‘Perfect Asians’.

Playboy was the most popular site, though. Maybe they just wanted to read the articles?

A spokesman, perhaps flustered from looking at big boobs in tight blouses, said: ‘The department has measures in place to prevent accidental or unintentional access to unauthorised sites, such as pornographic sites.’

‘Accidental or unintentional.’

(Yeah, right.)

It might be time for Whitehall to get their IT problems sorted out. After all, it’s not the first time that government employees have decided to entertain themselves on their work laptops. MPs and peers are by far the worst – they tried to access porn sites 300,000 times a year. That’s 300,000 visits to treatmelikeanadultbaby.com. No wonder this country is in a mess.

£50 cap on bills from stolen mobile phones

December 3rd, 2013 3 Comments By Lucy Sweet

Good news! If your phone gets nicked and the perpetrators use it to call their gangster pals in Serbia, or decide to Shazam everything and upload snuff movies onto it, you won’t be hit with a large bill.

mobile theft 300x187 £50 cap on bills from stolen mobile phones

The government has reached an agreement with four mobile phone companies – EE, Three, Virgin Media and Vodaphone – to put a cap on bills from stolen mobile phones from next Spring.

If you’ve reported your phone lost or stolen, there will be a £50 limit on bills. Also, phone providers will have to behave themselves when it comes to mid contract price rises. Customers will be able to decide to cancel their contract without any charges if their provider announces a price hike – following a ruling from Ofcom.

It’s all part of what the Government likes to sensationally call ‘the great mobile phone rip off.’ As announced earlier in the year, mobile providers must also work with the EU to end data roaming charges by 2016.

These days, if a Tory minister doesn’t mention ‘hardworking families’ in a speech, they’ll be jolly well egged and chucked into the River Cam without a punt. And Culture Secetrary Maria Miller didn’t disappoint.

‘We are ensuring hardworking families are not hit with shock bills through no fault of their own. Families can be left struggling if carefully planned budgets are blown away by unexpected bills from a stolen mobile or a mid-contract price rise. This agreement with the telecoms companies will deliver real benefits to consumers and help ensure people are not hit with shock bills.’

Price freeze – DENIED

November 29th, 2013 2 Comments By Lucy Sweet

It turns out that the Government hasn’t actually asked the Big Six energy companies to freeze prices, despite rumours that ministers had been pressuring them to fix prices until the 2015 election.

Energy price freeze Price freeze   DENIED

‘This story is utterly misleading.’ snapped a snippy Tory source, ‘The Government has not asked for a price freeze. People should wait for us to announce our plans.’

(Yes, we will wait. Wrapped in blankets, coughing. Whatever you say, guv.)

Meanwhile Energy minister Ed Davey has promised make changes to the green levies for businesses, which the government have vaguely said they wanted to ‘roll back.’ This refers to the ECO scheme (which one Tory referred to as ‘green crap’). But nobody knows what the rollback entails, and no energy companies have agreed anything just yet.

But some of the Big Six have said they would cut prices if the government actually got its act together. Npower issued a statement saying: “If the green levies are rolled back then Npower will cut prices to its customers as soon as possible. We need to understand the detail of the roll back before we can comment further.’

There will be an announcement of their plans in the Autumn Statement on December 5th. But there doesn’t look like there’ll be a price freeze. After all, that would be too CARING. Looks like the only things that will be frozen are the icicles on our dead noses.

Get pilled up with Dr Nutt

November 12th, 2013 2 Comments By Lucy Sweet

Lovely alcohol is all very well, until the morning after. So former government advisor and general mad professor David Nutt has invented a pill that gives you all the falling down, slurring, idiotic pleasure of drinking, without the bad head in the morning.

nutt 300x300 Get pilled up with Dr Nutt

So instead of guzzling 25 Jagermeisters in a bar full of hotties, you can just pop one pill and lurch around the town centre like a dying baboon. The pill works on the pleasure centres of the brain just like alcohol, but it’s OK – Professor David has also perfected an ANTIDOTE PILL, so you can just reset your drunk head to sober and drive home, feeling like a king.

The controversial Prof Nutt, who looks like the manager of a struggling football club at the bottom of the Calor Gas League, has called on the government to fund his research and says the drug could be made into cocktails – and it’s ok –he’s tesshted it on himsshelf! (hic!)

‘I’ve done the prototype experiments myself,’ he said, laughing maniacally and blowing some smoke off the top of bubbling green test tube. ‘I’ve been inebriated and then it’s been reversed by the antagonist. That’s what really gave us the idea. There’s no question that you can produce a whole range of effects like alcohol by manipulating the brain.’

But alcohol support groups say that it would be swapping one addictive substance which makes us behave appallingly, for another.

Also, even if Prof Nutter gets funding, is a boring pill really going to compete with the fun of drinking tasty drinks all night, going to the toilet 52 times and throwing up in your shoe?

Is our jam and marmalade under threat?

October 30th, 2013 6 Comments By Mof Gimmers

jam 300x225 Is our jam and marmalade under threat?The stupid gits in government are planning to mess with our jams and marmalade and it isn’t on. In a bid to ‘boost the economy’, they plan to relax the rules on the minimum amount of sugar needed to classify a product calling itself jam.

Obviously, huge companies not paying tax is fine, but the economy would be saved if we got our breakfasts spoiled instead.

Lib Dem MP, Tessa Munt, is getting all Citizen Smith and fighting for the rights of ours spreads, saying that this move will be ”the end of the British breakfast as we know it” and that we’ll all end up with cheaper, runnier spreads with a shorter life span.

Talking to Auntie Beeb, she said: “I’m actually quite worried because I think this is going to be the end of the British breakfast as we know it. Our jams and marmalades are so important – and we know what to expect when we go into the supermarket or into our local shop or farm shops locally, we know exactly what we’re going to buy when something says jam on it – or marmalade or jelly – we know exactly what to expect.”

“At the minute, we’ve got a jam that we know exactly what it’s like. It’s a fantastic colour, a really good shelf life – it’s going to last a year – it’s beautiful consistency, it’s got a gloss to it. If these regulations change, we’ll end up with something much more like the French and German product – and worse still the Americans – where they have things a bit like a fruit butter or a fruit spread.”

Of course, manufacturers are behind the idea of lowering the sugar levels. That’s because they’ll be able to spend less money. Worse still is that these regulations will only apply to England, meaning that our cousins across the border in Wales and Scotland will be able to mock us loudly with delicious jam on toast while we watch our breakfast run through our fingers.

This. Is. An. Outrage.

poundland Supreme Court says Governments Poundland scheme is legally flawedThe Government’s ‘back-to-work’ scheme – where jobseekers were packed off to work for Poundland – has been ruled as ‘legally flawed’ as a case taken to the Supreme Court today.

Iain Duncan Smith, the Work and Pensions Secretary, didn’t manage to overturn an earlier ruling that said regulations that backed up the schemes were invalid. Presumably, no-one could get away from the notion that, should Poundland have enough work for jobseekers to do, then surely, they are able to pay for it.

As the appeal was whisked to the Supreme Court, the Government forced through retrospective legislation –  the Jobseekers (Back to Work Schemes) Act – through Parliament. However, five whole Supreme Court justices upheld a Court of Appeal decision which went against the Government.

This all focused on Cait Reilly who was made to work for Poundland for free, as well as Jamieson Wilson who objected to doing unpaid work cleaning furniture, and saw his dole getting taken off him for 6 months. The lawyers representing the pair said all applicants who had their jobseeker’s allowance withdrawn for non-compliance with this ridiculous scheme could now reclaim their allowance as a result of this ruling.

Reilly said she was “really pleased” with today’s judgment. She hopes the whole thing “will serve to improve the current system and assist jobseekers who have been unfairly stripped of their benefits,” adding: “I brought these proceedings because I knew that there was something wrong when I was stopped from doing voluntary work in a local museum and instead forced to work for Poundland for free.”

However, the Supreme Court ruled that all this doesn’t actually constitute forced labour, which of course, saw IDS gleefully stroking his balls, saying: “We are very pleased that the Supreme Court today unanimously upheld our right to require those claiming jobseeker’s allowance to take part in programmes which will help get them into work. We have always said that it was ridiculous to say that our schemes amounted to forced labour, and yet again we have won this argument.”

“Ultimately this judgment confirms that it is right that we expect people to take getting into work seriously if they want to claim benefits.”

IDS then presumably tootled off home to his wife, Betsy Fremantle –  daughter of the 5th Baron Cottesloe – to his country house who belongs to his father-in-law’s estate in Swanbourne, chuckling at his personal wealth of millions, wondering what all this fuss is about.