Posts Tagged ‘funny’

porn What does McDonalds and a Scottish theatre have in common? Porn.There’s a lot of accidental porn knocking about this week.

First, we get some special sauce and someone splaying their quarter pounder as customers at a McDonald’s in Switzerland were, ahem, lovin’ it when they were chowing down while TVs showed some hardcore pornography.

Steffen Reiniger was in Maccies in Zuchwil (translation: suck willy) with his pals when they got a side of jizz thanks to the Sexy Sports Clips show which was being aired by a German sports channel.

“We were only a group of men so it didn’t bother us, although what would have happened if there was a family in the restaurant at that time I don’t know,” Reininger said.

The employee who put the particular station on didn’t know that the channel, Sport 1, also shows bongo films. A spokesperson said: “If our employees didn’t immediately realise what was going on it’s because they were concentrating on our customers and their work.”

extra sauce at mcdonalds with side order of porn 500x333 What does McDonalds and a Scottish theatre have in common? Porn.

Over in Edinburgh, a theatre made a similarly smutty mistake as they accidentally sent out a load of porn films to children and their parents. They were meant to be DVDs of school performances.

However, the acting was wooden for a very different reason.

The Edinburgh Playhouse said “highly inappropriate” sexual content appeared on some of the DVDs after a third-party cocked-up the duplication of the recordings.

A spokesman said: “The Edinburgh Playhouse apologises unequivocally for any distress caused to the families affected by this totally unacceptable and unseemly mistake.”

Edithouse, who produced the DVDs, said it took “full responsibility” for mistakes which led to “highly inappropriate and inaccurate material being sent out”, adding: ”We would like to apologise sincerely to the Edinburgh Playhouse for the inconvenience and most importantly to the children and parents affected by this terrible error.”

Hahahaha!

This morning, Great Anglia Rail reported delays on one of their services. Always annoying when one of your trains is held-up, but this one piqued the interest.

The delay was because of ‘an unusually large passenger’.

B237fqtIAAASIeV 500x375 Great Anglia Rail delay, thanks to ‘an unusually large passenger’

Spotted by Amy Gray on Twitter, commuters must’ve wondered what in the blazes was going on. It’s one thing being so large you hold a train up, but this passenger was such a behemoth that they were holding up TWO services!

Naturally, the truth of the matter is quite tedious. The word ‘flow’ was cut off the end of the message.

tesco Man threatens to kill Tesco staff with a PHOTO of a gunA man has threatened to kill staff at Tesco in near Cambridge, which is a bit bleak isn’t it? However, there was a problem – he was holding a photograph of a gun.

Officers (real ones, not lifesize photocopies) were called to the supermarket after staff told the 999 operators that a man was threatening to kill them all, as well as waving around an image of a firearm.

A force spokeswoman said: “A 34-year-old man from Cambridge was arrested on November 12th on suspicion of making threats to kill. He was released on police bail to return to Parkside police station in Cambridge on January 14, 2015.”

A Tesco spokesman said: “This is now a matter for the police and we are helping them with their inquiries”.

Now, if you imagine everyone trying to stop themselves from laughing about the man and his photograph of a weapon while making their statements, you’re probably somewhere close to the truth of the situation.

On a serious note though, do be careful out there. If there’s people doing things like this, then soon, we might see people carrying a photocopy of a massive bomb or something.

Watch man cry in Apple shop for a refund

November 10th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

There’s nothing quite like a bit of schadenfreude on a Monday morning, taking great glee from someone else’s misery!

In this case, we’re laughing at a certain Mr Pham who went to a shop called Mobile Air in Singapore to buy his girlfriend an iPhone 6. He paid S$950 for a handset, however, he didn’t know he’d also signed up for an agreement which meant he had to pay an additional $1,500 for a one-year warranty for it.

Let this be a lesson to you all. Always read the t&cs.

Pham, after weeping and falling to his knees got $400 back, but was still down $550, which is around two months wages for the factory worker.

You’ve got two options, if you want to laugh at Mr Pham. You can either laugh at him for splashing out on an expensive iPhone while being on a small wage or, if you prefer, you can just laugh at him for crying on the floor and not battering the person who filmed him while he wailed.

We suppose you could feel sorry for him, but that wouldn’t be like you lot.

Hilarious kid shows the art of selling loom bands

October 30th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Loom bands, as we know, are trouble. Some of them are toxic. Some of them lumber dads with stupidly high phone bills. However, the main problem is that, once you’ve made a lovely thing with some loom bands, nobody wants them.

And so, to a little girl who has an original approach to the art of commerce while trying to sell her loom band creations.

Not only does she scream the street down in a bid to flog some, she also reveals a hilariously potty mouth when talking about them. Save this video – she might end up on The Apprentice or Dragon’s Den in a few years time.

Funny Girl Sells Loom Bands from Mof Gimmers on Vimeo.

Tesco cash machine offers ‘free erections’

October 29th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Large businesses and government departments just can’t get their heads around the fact that, if you’re going to produce something in Welsh, then it might be a good idea to hire a Welsh person to do it for you or you might end up with all manner of nonsense.

We’ve had roadsigns emblazoned with an out-of-office message and a cycling sign oddly warning of bladder disease (for more, click here, just to see how wrong people get it). Now, we’ve got a cash machine that offers customers ‘free erections’ rather than the usual withdrawals. Arf.

The clanger was spotted at a Tesco in Aberystwyth.

codiad am ddim 500x332 Tesco cash machine offers free erections

Tesco will be sorting this mess out as soon as they can and said: ”Thanks to everyone who pointed out the mistake,” before muttering under their breath about not being able to catch a bloody break at the minute.

Councillor Ceredig Davies, who saw the sign, said: ”There were a few titters in the town so I went down to have a look myself. Ten out of 10 to Tesco for considering the Welsh language… but perhaps they should have had it checked by an actual Welsh speaker before putting the signs on the machines.”

“People get their Welsh translations wrong from time to time but this one is hilarious.”

Saeson ynfyd – dim ond un peth ar eu meddyliau!

People often like to have a bit of fun with their online orders. Someone asked for their shopping to be delivered by someone in a penguin suit (and they obliged) while others have given dinosaurs with orders.

Well, one hungry redditor ordered a couple of pizzas with some caveats.

B0djzzdCMAAdtmA Behold the silly pizza order about spiders and revenge!

As you can see, the customer asked for a crispier than normal pizza crust with the note of “if that’s not vague enough – make it like you’re taking revenge on a cheating boyfriend BUT you still want to reconcile in the not too distant future.” As for the delivery guy, he was told to keep an eye out for a spider called Frank.

There’s three potential responses to this:

1. Urgh! Arseholes! Why won’t they let people just do their jobs without being so bloody wacky and trying to get internet famous all the time! I hope they spat on their pizzas!
2. Aw! How funny! Adding a little humour to the mundane! How fantastic!
3. $20 for two pizzas? Sign me up!

You can decide which category you fall in for yourself.

Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

October 17th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

An American who was visiting London, decided to pop into a branch of Waterstones to look at some books. However, he was so engrossed in his shop that he didn’t realise that all the customers had left and the staff had gone home for their chicken kievs and locked the building.

The staff, naturally, didn’t notice him either.

waterstones trapped 500x280 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

The Texan spent all night alone in the empty shop, sending out a tweet or two while he was there. Of course, it wasn’t long before #waterstonestexan was hatched up and everyone jumped on it.

waterstones trapped 2 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

waterstones trapped 3 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

Some people were less concerned and thinking more about consumer hacks. We suspect Bitterwallet readers wouldn’t need telling to get their loyalty cards swiped throughout the night.

waterstones trapped 4 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

Just after midnight, the Texan was freed from the Waterstones shop, presumably after helping himself to a coffee from the cafe in the store and creasing the spine on some books just to annoy future customers.

waterstones trapped 5 500x301 Waterstones lock Texan in their shopThe story doesn’t end there though. After becoming a Twitter sensation (mostly people taking the piss, of course), David Willis tweeted “I’m free” before telling his girlfriend he was okay.

waterstones trapped 6 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

Oh well.

You’ve probably complained about people wearing wax jackets when they’ve never been near the countryside or whined about Land Rover drivers who only ever use their vehicles in the city. Of course you have. It’s brilliant slagging these people off.

Well, North Face had an idea.

Shoppers in Korea got quite the fright when they were idly browsing through North Face’s wares, to suddenly find that the floor gave way and they had no choice to but to climb like a North Face wearing mountaineering person.

This was all to tie in with the company’s brand’s motto, “Never Stop Exploring.”

After climbing the wall (or falling into a pit), the consumers were then faced with a prize – a coat dangling in mid-air, for which you’d have to jump to claim.

“Consumers are used to comfortable city lives and are losing their natural strengths,” The North Face said about the “Never Stop Exploring” campaign. “Based on this brand philosophy, North Face Korea induces customers to face an unexpected challenge and encourages them to overcome the situation with their own strength in order to begin their journey to explore.”

Also: people will do daft stuff for a freebie. Either way, a decent marketing stunt this. With that, we’d like to see Land Rover showrooms slowly removing their floors and sending the poshos of South West London careering down the side of an active volcano for a test drive.

Shopper gets hit by 25mph mobility scooter in Tesco

October 15th, 2014 6 Comments By Mof Gimmers

mobility scooter 300x168 Shopper gets hit by 25mph mobility scooter in TescoIf you’re shopping at a Tesco in Plymouth, you’d better watch out because it sounds like there’s gangs of hoodlums charging about on mobility scooters.

One shopper has been injured after he was sent flying by an old bloke on his mobility scooter.

Bruce Storr, the man on the receiving end, reckons that the old coot was doing around 25 mph when he got hit, chipping a bone and leaving him hurt and confused. Police are investigating the collision that happened in the Plymouth Tesco, but the driver has not been charged by the cops.

Now, mobility scooters don’t actually go faster than 8mph, but Bruce Storr is a 67 year old lorry driver and he is sure that it was going three times the speed of that.

He said: “I was at the paper stand picking up a newspaper when he came shooting out of the aisle where they keep the videos and DVDs. It was doing about 25mph – being a HGV driver I am a very good judge of speed.”

“Hit me on the backside. I was knocked backwards by a good five or six feet and landed on my shoulder and my head. I was on the floor when the ambulance came and they took me to A&E. The police were also there and spoke to witnesses and took statements. I didn’t see much else but my Granddaughter said he was a grumpy old man, swinging his legs around like he didn’t care. He didn’t apologise.”

Remember that – lorry drivers are a very good judge of speed.

A spokesman for Devon and Cornwall Police said: “The man was taken to hospital with minor injuries and police attended the scene. Inquiries are ongoing.”

Free prawn sandwich with Roy Keane books

October 11th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Roy Keane has been having a pop at just about everyone on Earth in his latest book.

Tesco, ignoring their recent troubles, decided to have a giggle at the whole thing and do a creative/sarcastic promotion for the book by offering prawn sandwiches to those who bought a copy.

BzqpII3IMAA3BiN 333x500 Free prawn sandwich with Roy Keane books

 

Well played Tesco.

[via @Fozzington]

Lidl are now trolling Morrisons

October 4th, 2014 11 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Lidl are at it again! After trolling Sainsbury’s over their 50p debacle, they’re now taking the Michael out of Morrisons.

As you know, Morrisons have announced that they are going to price match Lidl with a new scheme, after Lidl and Aldi ate away at the competitions profits by basically selling everything more cheaply.

Lidl aren’t taking that lying down and have trolled Morrisons in an advert in today’s papers.

IMG 20141004 092235 408x500 Lidl are now trolling Morrisons

 

As Lidl point out, you can go through all the faff of price matching with Morrisons and follow the exhaustive instructions as detailed in the sarcastic ad above, or, you could just shop at Lidl.

Looks like this is just the beginning of the supermarket wars getting ugly with each other in the press. Grab the popcorn. This could get very entertaining.

No-one has been running Tesco’s finance for months

September 25th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

tesco NEW No one has been running Tescos finance for monthsLaugh At Tesco Week continues apace with the news that their board is having a nervous breakdown when they found out that no director had been in charge of Tesco’s finances for the past five months.

Even though chairman Sir Richard Broadbent said that the former finance director Laurie McIlwee had been working on a part-time basis (with the fabulous job title of ’CFO Emeritus’) since quitting, turns out that was a load of cobblers and that Tesco are running their multinational company like a provincial chip shop.

Amazing.

It looks like Sir Richard’s position is somewhat untenable, what with this and the small matter of Tesco’s £250m profit shortfall.

Tesco announced that McIlwee’s replacement, Alan Stewart, was being brought in two months ahead of when he was supposed to start, presumably ringing him up and saying; ‘Can you start early mate? We need to get things running professionally again and we’re running out of a bollocks to drop.’

Sir Broadbent was asked about McIlwee’s absence and he said that he “was available to us to oversee that transition but he has not been in the office this weekend.” adding that: “He’s not in the office because, as I said, he was not directly involved and has not been directly involved in the recent days and weeks.”

Basically, since McIlwee quit, Tesco have been issuing profit warnings all over the place. It has been quite extraordinary.

In the statement last night, Tesco said: “Tesco stated on the 4th of April that until he officially left the company in October, Laurie McIlwee would be available to carry out transitional activities and support handover with colleagues as required.”

“During the transition period Laurie has in fact not been called upon by Tesco and has not been involved or had any input to any financial matters or held any position of responsibility in the company.”

The result of all this is City investors, who are dumping tens of millions of Tesco shares. The whole company, it seems, is about as slick as peanut brittle drying in your hair.

There’s inevitably going to be more laughs to be had at Tesco’s expense. They really are a farce.

Talking phone gets nana in a right state

September 23rd, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

This has been doing the rounds, but always worth sharing on the off-chance you haven’t seen it. Dr Emma Wilson wrote into the Guardian to say that her nana’s mobile phone had turned her into a wreck.

The letter says that the mobile spoke to gran, and left her in a “state of physical and emotional collapse” after she gave it what-for with that potty mouth of hers.

Bx9sTwSCQAAIDPl 343x500 Talking phone gets nana in a right state

 

All hail Nana Wilson and her dirty language.

All Hail! The Domino’s customer who is rather dim

September 2nd, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

The anticipation when ordering fast food is unbearable. You order your food and get hungrier and then realise that, if they bugger your order up, you’ll be so starving by the time it comes that you’ll probably eat it, even if it is a dish of raw chicken thighs.

Well, one scamp ordered a pizza from Domino’s and opened the box and got a nasty surprise!

The surprise for @SadderDre was that he can be prone to bouts of thundering thickness. He thought Domino’s had send him just the base of the pizza, but that wasn’t the case.

BweK19WIUAE1okX 378x500 All Hail! The Dominos customer who is rather dim

 

We can only be thankful to this young fella that he partook in this query in public, just so we could all see and snort with laughter at his daftness.

Marvellous.