Posts Tagged ‘funny’
There’s nothing worse than finding out your favourite chippie is closed. Usually, they’ve shut up shop ‘due to a family bereavement’ or because they’re ‘renovating’.
However, one chippie closed for something quite different. This fella was going on holiday and he left a note to customers, which will have left them chuckling.
As you can see, he wrote: “This year my wife has decided to take us all youth hosteling, I told her at her age she would be better off with Saga. We are taking two of our children. 1 Daughter in law, plus 1 grandson. No internet, mobile phones, playstations etc.”
“Personally I think we will all be bored to tears. She who must be obeyed says we will have a great time telling tales round the campfire etc.”
He’s back in the shop now, and hopefully, stocked up on beer and gadgets.
When you’ve had a few, navigating your way around a toilet visit can be treacherous. You’ve invariably left it too late and rush to get your kecks undone and there’s other humans milling about pointlessly while you try to avoid soiling yourself. And then you’ve got splashback issues and other people farting.
It really can be nightmarish.
One bar decided that the whole situation wasn’t enough of a headmelt and decided to toy with patrons by creating a false door that would mess with nature’s call. A Reddit user went to relieve himself and found himself draining of colour, as well as excretions, thinking that he was in the ladies instead of the gents.
The reality was that the bar in question had put in a fake door that looked like the reverse of the ladies’ toilets, just to frazzle burping blokes into thinking that they’d dropped a massive clanger.
Redditor Jaydscustom said: “As I’m leaving the restroom panic sets in…then I realize I just pissed in a urinal and the bathroom door was solid wood when I came in. Oh you clever, clever door.”
Tesco can’t get a thing right at the moment, with legal action being taken against them for that accounting balls-up, and now, they’re being far too literal with their marketing slogans.
Have a look at this lovely scene and see if you can spot it (we didn’t, immediately).
While the Tesco lorry proudly crows: “You shop, we drop”, you can see that the fella in the hi-vis jacket has taken the slogan on as gospel, and dropped his load everywhere.
If advertising slogans are all correct, maybe Gillette is the best a man can get and the men of the world have already peaked, and we should just give up?
Getting on a plane can be a worrying, trying experience at the best of times. Boarding a metal cylinder which hurtles through the air at huge speeds, with the potential for crashing into the hard, unforgiving earth, is enough to get your heart racing.
Imagine then, considering all that, how stressed passengers would be, if one of your fellow travellers has tried to settle their nerves with a stiff drink. Or ten. Thousand.
Well, in a flight from Jamaica which was landing at Gatwick, a lady got tanked up on booze and then started getting freaky.
The lady in question stripped off in front of her fellow passengers and then, with a flourish, decided to perform what is politely described as ‘a solo sex act’.
The 46 year old lady had quite the time of it and then, on landing, was greeted by the police who were waiting on the tarmac, holding the handcuffs and waiting to book her for being incredibly drunk on an aircraft.
British Airways aren’t in the mood for commenting on this incident.
Passengers were flying to Dubai to have a lovely time, when suddenly, they were heading back to Heathrow. Not because of technical problems, but because someone had dropped their guts in a spectacularly vile manner.
Those on the flight had been complaining about the skin-stripping stench from the toilets which were enough to curdle milk.
Tory councillor Abhishek Sachdev was on-board (going to Dubai, eh?) and tweeted about the whole affair, prompting Bitterwallet to immediately think ‘whoever smelt it, dealt it’. That’s the way it works right? Even in adult life.
His tweet read:
Talking to the Mail, he said the pilot apologised to the passengers, and: “About 10 minutes later he said you may have noticed there’s a quite pungent smell coming from one of the toilets. He said it was liquid faecal excrement, those are the words he used. He said it’s not a technical fault with the plane, and he was very adamant about that.”
The flight was rescheduled for the next day and a British Airways spokesperson said: “We are very sorry for the discomfort to our customers.”
Meanwhile, someone somewhere can be proud or ashamed, depending on their constitution, of doing a crap so rancid that a plane had to stop flying.
There’s been some furrowed brows over a sportswear company who printed some labels for football shirts, where the washing instructions were ‘GIVE IT TO YOUR WOMAN – IT’S HER JOB’
This, of course, has seen a lot of people shrieking in disgust. Not the people who think the message is a bit off, but rather, people who say things like ‘feminazis’ and the like.
The response from people who thought it wasn’t a particularly nice thing to have on a shirt, was basically ‘this seems sexist’ or ‘bloody hell’, which of course, was met with the most hysterical set of people on the internet – those who think they’re not at all hysterical who like shouting at feminists (even though many of those criticising the label hadn’t said if they were or weren’t feminists at all).
Among all this, Salvo Sports said sorry on their Twitter account: “The message is simply, instead of washing it in the wrong way, you might as well give it to a lady because they are more capable”
“There is no intention to humiliate women. In contrast [we want to tell the men] learn from women how to take care of clothes”
Boom! There you go! Some lovely back-pedalling from a company saying ‘no, no, no, no – we meant that women should wash the clothes because women are the best! Loving your work ladies!‘ Meanwhile, the internet debates about what can and can’t constitute a joke and where people hysterically shout at each other, claiming to not be hysterical themselves.
“Hey! Get women to wash your clothes!” is a rubbish joke though.
You’ve had a nice meal and you order some nice cheese and biscuits to finish things off with. You’re in the mood for something else, but you don’t want a sweet pudding.
You know how it is.
Well, Diane Murray did exactly that, but her order wasn’t at all what she was expecting. She got cheese. She got biscuits. The problem, however, was the type of biscuit.
That’s right! Instead of a nice savoury biscuit and some crackers, Diane ended up with some bourbons and custard creams with her cheeses. And whatever those knock-off Jammy Dodgers with cream in the middle of them are called.
Mercifully, she thought it was funny and said that she’d reveal the place that served up this unusual treat in return for a Comic Relief donation, which is nice.
She tweeted: “@stephkerr: Cheese and biscuits – if anyone pledges to comic relief I’ll tell them which hotel they can get this in”, with the above photo attached.
We’d go for a custard cream with some brie on it. You know it makes sense.
Do you… erm… like to feel pleased a lot of the time? Do you spend your downtime by… umm… beating up the wookie? Well, if that sounds like you, there’s a gadget that could help you save the planet while you throw yourself into an onanistic fever.
Those scamps at PornHub have made a video about some wearable technology called the ‘Wankband’, which basically sits on your wrist and, with the movement of your wrist, creates energy.
With this thing, you can ‘love the planet, by loving yourself’.
You work, create the energy and then plug your phone, tablet or whatever, into the wrist band and, hey presto, you’re charging your device with the power of love.
Of course, the product is unisex and apparently, you can sign-up as a beta tester for the thing, which you sign-up for over at the smut vendor’s site. Might be best to not access that if you’re at work, unless you have a great game face and are able to tell your superiors that, yes, you’re accessing a dirty site at work, but you’re doing it to help reduce their electricity bills.
The power is in your hands.
Travelling on a bus can be a miserable affair at the best of times and, as we know, there’s too many buses that are in a bit of a state when you get on them.
One bus in Yorkshire had a problem with the buttons that you press, which ring the bell to signal to the bus driver that you want to get off at the next stop. Well, Barnsley folk won’t let a little thing like that get in the way of anything. Forget getting maintenance teams out and all that faff – just write a note like this.
As you can see, the sign says “Bells not working. If you want bus to stop, shout ‘Ding Ding’.” It is impossible to read that without doing it in a Yorkshire accent.
Of course, this sign is bad news for those who too shy to shout or, indeed, can’t read. Either way, we like this system of fixing menial problems. More of it please!
Those shopping at Morrisons found the holy grail of a machine that spits out more than you’ve asked for, meaning that there’s going to be some boozing done this weekend. The community-thinking people of Stanground soon passed the word around and soon enough, everyone was rinsing the glitchy machine.
According to Peterborough Today, two fellas went home and got every card they had so they could double their money. Thanks to this, the machine was mobbed. It was probably glowing bright red by the time it had been emptied.
A spokeswoman for Morrisons said: “We were quickly notified that a fault had occurred with the Link cash machine outside of our store. Our colleagues attended, switched the faulty ATM off and notified the bank. The Link bank is coming to repair the machine today.”
So if you know anyone in Stanground, now’s the perfect time to ask to borrow a tenner.
[Spotters badge goes to avid BW fan, Joffff]
You know how it is – around Christmas, the cards, presence and stuff with fake snow on it ends up with your house being covered in a fine layer of glitter.
It is beyond annoying.
Well, there’s a company who has recognised this and is offering a service that allows you to send you enemies a package that will get glitter all over their house and clothes. Marvellous. Death by tweeness.
The folks at ShipYourEnemiesGlitter say: “We f*cking hate glitter. People call it the herpes of the craft world. What we hate more though are the soulless people who get their jollies off by sending glitter in envelopes.”
“We’ve had enough so here’s the deal: there’s someone in your life right now who you f*cking hate. Whether it be your shitty neighbour, a family member or that bitch Amy down the road who thinks it’s cool to invite you to High Tea but not provide any weed.”
“So pay us money, provide an address anywhere in the world & we’ll send them so much glitter in an envelope that they’ll be finding that shit everywhere for weeks. We’ll also include a note telling the person exactly why they’re receiving this terrible gift. Hint: the glitter will be mixed in with the note thus increasing maximum spillage.”
Order some bloody glitter here. (The site is having a bit of trouble, presumably with increased traffic today, so if the link isn’t working, that’s not Bitterwallet’s fault).
Nigel Stewart-Stone was helping his son – Dalton – sell his Renault Clio and has become an internet hero with the honesty of his eBay advert. He left no stone unturned when describing the state of the car.
The ad, titled my teenage sons 2005 Renault Clio, with story time, who would buy it?, which you can see here, kicks off by saying sorry for the condition of the battered motor, listing the numerous faults with it and basically taking the piss out of his son.
Referring to the electric windows, they apparently work well “considering the amount of times they go up and down calling to his mates, and banter with the passing girls, many of whom have been taken for rides in the car, which may explain the passenger seat not moving back and forth anymore, still makes it hard for them to escape his deafening music.”
He adds: “Anyway if you think this car may be suitable for your son, please go ahead and buy it, its (sic) after all in the perfect state for any teenager lad, and will save them all the time and effort that my son has put in to it, getting it this way.”
Dad noted: “There may or may not be any oil and water in the car , despite me repeatedly telling him to make sure it was maintained , I believe he thought this meant sitting in it on the driveway listening to his music whilst having a smoke , he would have washed it occasionally , but said” not really worth it now is it dad” , as its got a big dent on it !!! and anyway, surely I would know if it needed oil , the red light would come on !! , still he does have a brand new set of mats in the boot , bought when he first had the car”
While there are some bids on the car, tellingly, one person commented: “You have made my day! I have no interest in buying your son car! But I love the fact that you let your son live his life! WELL DONE FOR BEING A FAB DAD!!!”
Of course, the deadline for online tax returns is upon us and so, to show us all that they’re a bit of fun and not just dead-eyed bean-administrators, HM Revenue and Customs have gone and released their annual list of the 10 worst excuses that folk have given for filing or paying their tax return late.
Are you ready? Let’s go!
1. My pet dog ate my tax return… and all the reminders.
2. I was up a mountain in Wales, and couldn’t find a postbox or get an internet signal.
3. I fell in with the wrong crowd.
4. I’ve been travelling the world, trying to escape from a foreign intelligence agency.
5. Barack Obama is in charge of my finances.
6. I’ve been busy looking after a flock of escaped parrots and some fox cubs.
7. A work colleague borrowed my tax return, to photocopy it, and didn’t give it back.
8. I live in a camper van in a supermarket car park.
9. My girlfriend’s pregnant.
10. I was in Australia.
We quite like the idea of palming everything off on Barack Obama. ‘Why are you covered in baked beans?’ ‘Obama was feeding me.’ ‘I thought I’d told you not to get so appallingly drunk…’ ‘Barack Obama was out. And I had to look after some fox cubs while I was there’.
We’re aware that not everyone is internet-savvy, but sometimes, even the most phobic of technology must realise they’re making a complete balls-up of it all.
Take, for example, this wonderful job application spotted in a newspaper which contains a fantastically long URL, cut and pasted into the advert by some unfortunate.
As you pay-per-letter in newspaper adverts, this will have cost much more money than necessary, which makes it even more special.
The depressing thing is, there’s probably a good number of people who painstakingly copied the whole URL out into their browser to try and land the gig.
And yes, it does say ‘government’ in the URL.