Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Remember our pal who worked in a Co-op, who sat on a scally who was trying to shoplift booze? Well, sadly, he got suspended from his job, because you’re not supposed to sit on people’s necks.

If you can’t remember the incident, here’s a lovely photo of our hero.

face sitting 500x472 Co op man suspended for sitting on scally, gets job back!

Good news! He’s got his job back! That’s right, Adrian Weekes went a bit viral the other week, after he tackled a young lad who has been trying to nick booze from his shop.

As the photo spread on the internet, Weekes found himself suspended by Midcounties Co-operative, as they investigated the incident. The spoilsports. They should have given him a massive medal and four cans of Spesh. Either way, hundreds of people signed a petition to get Adrian back into work, and even more supported a Facebook campaign, imaginatively called ‘Let’s help Adrian Weekes keep his job.’

Well, the Co-Op have confirmed that Adrian is back working at the store.

Now, who is going to tell his bosses that, during his heroism, someone at the store ordered the 15 year old shoplifter to pay for the goods… and those goods were booze… therefore someone has accepted money from an underage person, for alcohol? We’ve said too much already…

Apple – they made a man rant

October 23rd, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Customer service can be a frustrating affair sometimes. Often, muttering under your breath will purge you of your anger… but sometimes, people need to maintain their fury and take it to the internet.

Now, as we know, most people aren’t very good at complaining on the internet, and are neither helpful or funny. We’re more concerned with the latter in this case, with a man who has so much impotent rage, that it all came spilling out of his guts after a trip to an Apple store.

Enjoy. Contains swearing. Lots of it.

apple rant Apple   they made a man rant

As you can see, this man was not impressed by his visit, and indeed, sounds like he’s kinda angry at Apple as a whole.

Still, nothing makes us glow quite like a miniature Falling Down moment, and this is a grade-A effort from a man who is still probably seething at something else now. Marvellous work.


Every time we write about petrol, we’re either talking about someone taking 1p off the price, or complaining about drivers getting ripped off at the pumps.

Well, now, we’re talking about an old lady who made a spectacular two-wheeled exit from a petrol station in Wales. Hurray!

The lady’s wheelie was captured by the station’s CCTV, where she clips the kerb and ends up driving like she’s The Fall Guy or something. Mercifully, she was safe and everything was fine and she was on all four wheels in no time.

Footage was uploaded online by Sian Jones, who said: “She wasn’t fazed at all. She was going on to the main road to re-approach the forecourt to be the right side for petrol.”

Now, killjoys, feel free to complain about old people being unsafe on the road, and how road safety is no laughing matter, in the comments.

M&S say sorry for potty-mouthed advert

October 20th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Marks and Spencer has said sorry for spelling out a rather rude phrase on their website while they were trying to flog Christmas at everyone.

M&S are currently advertising their festive tree decorations, where you buy two and get one free. Some of the Christmas tree decorations are glittery red letters, so you can hang them up and spell your own rude words if you like.

And lo, the website showed the decorations spelling out the very unchristian ‘FCK ME’. See for yourself.

MandS swear M&S say sorry for potty mouthed advert

Sadly, this wasn’t the work of some cheeky programmer or employee, but rather, caused by a computer program which generates the placements in a random order.

A spokesperson for Marks and Spencersaid: “This was due to the algorithms used to display products on our website – it was quickly spotted and corrected.”


pizza the hut 300x162 Man threatens to smash everything, because of a ham pizzaA pizza muncher decided to call 999, threatening to smash up a takeaway after he was told that he couldn’t have a slice of ham and mushroom pizza. We’ve all been there, obviously.

The customer ranted to the police, who clearly didn’t have anything better to do, that he’d been to the same place the night before, and had a ham and mushroom pizza. However, this time, he was being told by the staff that they didn’t do ham and mushroom pizzas.

Dark days indeed.

What had happened, is that the man had eaten a turkey and mushroom on his first visit, which meant he kicked off and wanted his £3.50 back. Remember, he phoned the actual emergency services about all this, which he thought was a very reasonable thing to do.

Greater Manchester Police tweeted about the incident, saying: “999 11pm; man threatening to smash up takeaway as no ham & mushroom pizza. Says had one previous night but now found out was turkey, not ham.”

One thing that Twitter has been particularly good for, is taking the absolute piss out of idiots who waste police (and everyone else’s time) with calls like this.

The GMP have been particularly good for it. They have previously tweeted about a woman who rang 999 because staff at a gym wouldn’t let her inside. The kicker here, being that she didn’t actually have a pass for said gym. Oh, and who could forget the marvellous tweet about the “suspicious men carrying a snake, Bolton”?

Dundee are offering ‘blow jobs’

October 9th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

We’ve been doing our bit and pointing you in the direction of some jobs for Christmas, and remarkably, a number of readers and drive-by commenters have been under the illusion that Bitterwallet’s comment section is the place to leave a message for a big corporation, so they’ll get back to you.

So with that, it could be very interesting if people don’t read this article properly and end up offering their services for this that we spotted online.

X5H7K2zl Dundee are offering blow jobs

Now, it might look like the city of Dundee is offering fellatio on a major scale, but sadly, that’s not the case.

The Courier newspaper dropped a clanger as the newspaper headline should have actually said ‘major jobs blow’, but some cheeky so-and-so cut the sheet up and rearranged the words. Good work, to whoever did that, obviously.

“If you actually look closely you can see the lines… Some cheeky scamp has come along and taken his chances,” said the Courier’s news editor Alan Richardson. “But there we are, it’s one of those things. Not a big deal.”

We look forward to people leaving their numbers for that.


eBay seller uses grandma to flog stuff

October 2nd, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Nanas are the best. They provide biscuits and cantankerous wisdom which you try and ignore, and ultimately end up agreeing with. Well, one eBay vendor has decided to use their gran as a model.

This lady is 94-years-old, and she’s like the models from Wheel of Fortune.

axe 500x465 eBay seller uses grandma to flog stuff

For some reason, this eBay seller seems to have a load of old weapons and things made of wood. And nana is of course, on hand to wield them in photographs on the internet.

no ide 496x500 eBay seller uses grandma to flog stuff

This lady is actually the auntie of the seller in question, but she looks more like a granny to us, and we’re sticking with that. She’s related to the Bulgarian eBay seller called ‘retrooobg’, and to finish off, here’s our favourite photograph of her.

chain 500x466 eBay seller uses grandma to flog stuff

If you’d like to see more of her, then click here to visit the eBay page she graces.

You remember the Alan Partridge sketch, when the tragically funny TV host pitched some ideas to an executive, including the infamous ‘Monkey Tennis’ and ‘Inner City Sumo’?

Well, ‘Youth Hostelling with Chris Eubank’, was one of the more famous suggestions and now, oddly, it has become something of a reality.

Eubank said he’d previously no idea why everyone kept mentioning youth hostels to him, but now, he’s in on the joke and the video above was made.

Sadly, this isn’t a television show, but rather, a commercial for booking site Hostelworld.

That doesn’t make this stunt rubbish though. The show itself would invariably be no cop at all, and in this short form, we get to enjoy it, and the fact that some PR person for a hostel company managed to convince someone to spend a load of money on a line from an Alan Partridge joke.

We’re still waiting on ‘Arm Wrestling With Chas & Dave’, Channel Five.

As all sensible people know, it doesn’t matter whether you’re on Android or Apple, because it is a phone and, only a desperately sad human would define themselves by their operating service.

However, we also know that some people actually do care. They think that by being an Apple Fanboy, or an Android Devotee, they’ve made a very definite decision about themselves and what kind of person they’re projecting themselves to be. [insert obligatory God Help Us If There's A War comment here]

Here at Bitterwallet, we like it when absolutely anyone gets the piss taken out of them, so with that, we go to Alexander Spoor and Sacha Harland, who are behind the Dutch YouTube comedy thingy, ‘Dit Is Normal’. They’ve put a video out which shows Apple Fanboys being told that Android is the new iOS9.

Are they going to say the whole thing is a travesty or will they simply follow the Apple party-line by saying ‘of course it is better! Apple is always better!’?

As you can see, some people think the OS is rather swish, saying things like ‘I like it a lot!’ and referring to the system as “faster, smoother, prettier, and more practical.”

If you’re an Android Devotee, don’t be thinking that this is a victory for Android though – all this shows is that some people are quite dim sometimes. Stop crowing.

Anyway, the conclusion to the clip is that “it doesn’t matter what Apple releases because people are going to think it’s prettier, bigger and better than the competition anyway.”

Shane is the king of retail

July 31st, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Working in retail can be very tedious, so you have to make your own fun. You can dream about kicking awful customers up the rear, or you can imagine all manner of accidents befalling your irritating line-manager.

Or, if you’re Shane, you can go down a completely different route.

22290 1240387289309492 1686411065918644685 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

Shane, bless him, gets so bored, that he pretends the paper bags can talk.

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As you can see, Shane gets very bored, to the point where he’s got more than one personality.

11063544 1240387252642829 2252286119304354975 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

Extended warranties on fried chicken eh?

11245473 1240387229309498 6440499681645166120 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

We still want to know about this good stuff in the back though.

11165227 1240387239309497 9091845780329498866 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

Shane’s ‘Swinecraft’ could be a moneyspinner in fairness.

11050102 1240387342642820 1361117161367005488 n 373x500 Shane is the king of retail

Of course, Shane is almost certainly a funny fabrication, but you can’t be mad at this. You can see the rest of Shane’s handiwork, here.

All hail man’s bacon rant on Facebook!

July 22nd, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Mostly, when people complain to shops on Facebook and Twitter, they’re not at all funny. In fact, they’re a pain in the hole. However, sometimes, you get a cheeky git who can bring a smile to your face.

And so, to a bacon-devotee, who decided to rant at Tesco about his rashers.

A fella called Ben Roberts wrote to the retailer, to relive his the awful moment in his breakfast life. People liked it too, with his post being shared over 9,000 times. Naturally, we’re trying to ride on the back of his traffic because we’re not as funny as we used to be.

bacon FB 500x333 All hail mans bacon rant on Facebook!

He wrote: “Good Evening Tesco,

“I hope this post finds you well. I just wanted to draw to your attention a truly horrific moment I incurred on Sunday morning.

“Now in our house it is pretty much tradition, or more like religion that we have bacon sandwiches in the morning on a weekend, as I am sure a lot of families are the same. After all bacon is the food of champions.

“So here I am Sunday morning when suddenly I remember we don’t have any bacon. I couldn’t believe it! Heartbroken I was! I was on the brink of complete meltdown when I said to myself “Ben! It’s okay! You can just pop down to your handy Tesco Local and pick up a delicious pack of Smoked, back bacon rashers!” Genius!

“So I jumped in the car and drove my happy self down to Ye Olde Tesco. I park up, and skip my self into the shop and head for the meat section. I found the bacon, picked up the pack and thought that can go straight in my basket. Upon closer inspection at the checkout I read the front “7 Smoked Bacon Rashers” I chuckled to myself. 7. That’s a strange number for a pack of bacon. I mean come on 7 is the number of days in the week, or the number of Sins but that is not a great number when it comes to rashers of bacon.

“I should of walked away there and then I know but I didn’t. Instead I thought it’s ok, when I get home and have cooked the strange number of rashers I simply will have 4 and my other half can have 3. The thought of this made me smile. I will have the most bacon, because I deserve it.

“Anyway, I get myself home, turn on the grill, line the tray with foil to avoid washing it and then ripped open the packet. I beamed from ear to ear as I proceeded to lay the bacon out.

“Suddenly.. I stopped. I began to feel myself sink again only this time it was worse. I looked down at the tray and then at the packet, then back at the tray and once more took a real good look at the plastic.

“SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! There was only 6 rashers of bacon. 6. I could not believe it! Mortified! I called my other half into the kitchen but quickly dismissed her as she did not seem to understand the problem.

“Well Tesco, let me explain in case you don’t understand the problem. When I go to one of your stores and see 7 rashers of bacon for sale for £1.50 I expect 7 pieces! Not 5, or 6 or even 8 (well 8 is fine) but I expect 7! 7 of your finest rashers is what I wanted and I was sincerely disappointed.

“I have attached photo evidence and basically what I want to know is what the bloody hell are you going to do about this cruel act of betrayal.

“I look forward to your your response and hopefully my additional rasher of bacon”.

Tesco replied with uncharacteristic warmth, by saying: “Well, it sounds like you’ve gone through a whirlwind of emotions for a Sunday morning.

“Like you, my day, month, and year can be made by a top quality bacon butty. I’ll eat them in all the conceivable varieties: with ketchup or with brown sauce. Sometimes, just sometimes, I’ll treat myself to what I call the Jamie special.

“This requires three slices of bread, some Brie, some mild salsa, bacon (obviously), a dab of imagination, and a George Foreman grill (other lean mean grilling machines are available).

“As a fellow bacon fan I can fully understand your shock, disappointment and unadulterated anger at finding only six rashers in the packet.”

To cap it all off, Tesco said they’d give Ben a full refund on the price of a packet of bacon, which means that, if you’re going to complain, it is worth considering being funny. If you’re not funny, then go H.A.M.

People who are able bodied shouldn’t park in bays set aside for disabled people. You might think you should be able to, but you shouldn’t. Why? You’ve had enough, you bloated swine.

In Brazil, someone found themselves on the end of a grand prank, after they’d parked in such a spot.

The person in question came back to his car to find it covered in stickers, to make the whole vehicle look like a blue disabilities logo. The front, top, sides and even wheels were covered.

As you can see from the video, not only did the driver suffer the defacement of his car, but also, a watching and sarcastically cheering crowd too. He sped off and everyone laughed at him.

Not only that, the driver in question got himself a ticket too.

Now, we hand you over to all those people who have missed the fun of a prank like this, for them to complain about vandalism and littering or something.

Remember everyone in Scotland mocking Microsoft, for their advert where they basically mentioned cricket? Of course, Scottish people don’t play cricket – they prefer backstreet wrestling and thumb-wars.

Here is the offending Cortana advert.

cortana 1 460x259 Microsoft appease Glasgow after cricket nonsense

Well, Microsoft have decided to make things right in Glasgow, by providing them with a brand new advert, just for them.

Instead of saying “Cortana can remind you to see if James is up for the cricket this weekend”, which was roundly booed, the new advert – which Microsoft were hoping would go viral – has rectified it.

The new ad reads: “Cortana, next time I speak with Chris, remind me not to mention the cricket.” And here’s the new advert, in exactly the same position, and aimed at the one person who tweeted about it last week.


cortana 2 500x281 Microsoft appease Glasgow after cricket nonsense

Heinz send customers to filthy websites

June 18th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

porn Heinz send customers to filthy websitesEven though no-one uses QR codes, because they’re fiddly and out-dated, one man decided to try out the one that featured on a bottle of Heinz ketchup… and he got something that was a very different type of ‘saucy’. Instead of arriving on a page where he could design his own Heinz label, instead, he found himself being directed to a hardcore pornography site. Insert your own joke about ‘squirting’ here.

Daniel Korell scanned the label to find out more about the promotion, and was directed to a German porn site, with the utterly wonderful name of ‘Fundorado’.

So what happened? Well, Heinz ran the contest between 2012 and 2014, and the link expired this year, which was then taken up by a mucky website.

Korell wrote on his Facebook page: “Your ketchup really isn’t for under-age people. Even if the bottle was a leftover, it’s still in lots of households.”

“It’s incomprehensible that you didn’t reserve the domain for one or two years. It really doesn’t cost the Earth,” he added.

Heinz’s social media team were quick to apologise and replied to Korell, saying: “We really regret the event very much and we’re happy to take your suggestions for how we implement future campaigns on board.”

That’s all well and good, but Heinz were again scuppered by Fundorado, who enjoyed a load of free advertising and decided to leave a comment on the Facebook post, and offered Korell a free year’s subscription to a load of smutty films. Condimental.

Going for a slash in a public place, can be tricky at the best of times. Men have other men glancing at their junk, or some urinate so forcibly that they create a backspray that emanates from their general area, while another man belches and spits to the side of you.

Gordie Wallace, up in Aberdeen, had a whole new problem when he was at the city’s Handmade Burger Company.

peeburger1 500x303 Urine hand dryer accident gets man socks for life!


Basically, while taking a leak, the dryer went off and covered his foot in his own emission.

He said: “Halfway through my urination, the dryer decided to go on full pelt and blew my stream all over the place, covering my trousers and leaving me with a soggy trainer on my left foot.”

Then, the magic happened. After seeing the complaint on their Facebook page, the Handmade Burger Company said sorry, and then offered Gordie a new pair of trainers and a year’s supply of fresh socks, as a way of saying sorry.

They also took this lovely photo of themselves while they investigated the toilet set-up.

peeburger2 500x252 Urine hand dryer accident gets man socks for life!Bravo to all concerned.