Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Give your enemies death by glitter!

January 13th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

You know how it is – around Christmas, the cards, presence and stuff with fake snow on it ends up with your house being covered in a fine layer of glitter.

It is beyond annoying.

Well, there’s a company who has recognised this and is offering a service that allows you to send you enemies a package that will get glitter all over their house and clothes. Marvellous. Death by tweeness.

section image 1 500x269 Give your enemies death by glitter!

The folks at ShipYourEnemiesGlitter say: “We f*cking hate glitter. People call it the herpes of the craft world. What we hate more though are the soulless people who get their jollies off by sending glitter in envelopes.”

“We’ve had enough so here’s the deal: there’s someone in your life right now who you f*cking hate. Whether it be your shitty neighbour, a family member or that bitch Amy down the road who thinks it’s cool to invite you to High Tea but not provide any weed.”

“So pay us money, provide an address anywhere in the world & we’ll send them so much glitter in an envelope that they’ll be finding that shit everywhere for weeks. We’ll also include a note telling the person exactly why they’re receiving this terrible gift. Hint: the glitter will be mixed in with the note thus increasing maximum spillage.”

Order some bloody glitter here. (The site is having a bit of trouble, presumably with increased traffic today, so if the link isn’t working, that’s not Bitterwallet’s fault).

Dad says sorry for son in car advert

January 13th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

ebay Dad says sorry for son in car advertHonesty isn’t always the best policy, but sometimes, you have to applaud it.

Nigel Stewart-Stone was helping his son – Dalton – sell his Renault Clio and has become an internet hero with the honesty of his eBay advert. He left no stone unturned when describing the state of the car.

The ad, titled my teenage sons 2005 Renault Clio, with story time, who would buy it?, which you can see here, kicks off by saying sorry for the condition of the battered motor, listing the numerous faults with it and basically taking the piss out of his son.

Referring to the electric windows, they apparently work well “considering the amount of times they go up and down calling to his mates, and banter with the passing girls, many of whom have been taken for rides in the car, which may explain the passenger seat not moving back and forth anymore, still makes it hard for them to escape his deafening music.”

He adds: “Anyway if you think this car may be suitable for your son, please go ahead and buy it, its (sic) after all in the perfect state for any teenager lad, and will save them all the time and effort that my son has put in to it, getting it this way.”

sorry for my sons car 500x281 Dad says sorry for son in car advert

Dad noted: “There may or may not be any oil and water in the car , despite me repeatedly telling him to make sure it was maintained , I believe he thought this meant sitting in it on the driveway listening to his music whilst having a smoke , he would have washed it occasionally , but said” not really worth it now is it dad” , as its got a big dent on it !!! and anyway, surely I would know if it needed oil , the red light would come on !! , still he does have a brand new set of mats in the boot , bought when he first had the car”

While there are some bids on the car, tellingly, one person commented: “You have made my day! I have no interest in buying your son car! But I love the fact that you let your son live his life! WELL DONE FOR BEING A FAB DAD!!!”

The worst excuses for late tax returns

January 7th, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

TAX MONKEYS The worst excuses for late tax returnsTax eh? Everyone understands why it is needed, but no-one actively likes it. Giving money to berks who’ll spend it on duck houses and moat cleaning or whatever it is that politicians do.

Of course, the deadline for online tax returns is upon us and so, to show us all that they’re a bit of fun and not just dead-eyed bean-administrators, HM Revenue and Customs have gone and released their annual list of the 10 worst excuses that folk have given for filing or paying their tax return late.

Are you ready? Let’s go!

1. My pet dog ate my tax return… and all the reminders.
2. I was up a mountain in Wales, and couldn’t find a postbox or get an internet signal.
3. I fell in with the wrong crowd.
4. I’ve been travelling the world, trying to escape from a foreign intelligence agency.
5. Barack Obama is in charge of my finances.
6. I’ve been busy looking after a flock of escaped parrots and some fox cubs.
7. A work colleague borrowed my tax return, to photocopy it, and didn’t give it back.
8. I live in a camper van in a supermarket car park.
9. My girlfriend’s pregnant.
10. I was in Australia.

We quite like the idea of palming everything off on Barack Obama. ‘Why are you covered in baked beans?’ ‘Obama was feeding me.’ ‘I thought I’d told you not to get so appallingly drunk…’ ‘Barack Obama was out. And I had to look after some fox cubs while I was there’.

Behold! The finest job advert ever!

January 6th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

We’re aware that not everyone is internet-savvy, but sometimes, even the most phobic of technology must realise they’re making a complete balls-up of it all.

Take, for example, this wonderful job application spotted in a newspaper which contains a fantastically long URL, cut and pasted into the advert by some unfortunate.

As you pay-per-letter in newspaper adverts, this will have cost much more money than necessary, which makes it even more special.

B6p5KXoCUAAQCsU 375x500 Behold! The finest job advert ever!

The depressing thing is, there’s probably a good number of people who painstakingly copied the whole URL out into their browser to try and land the gig.

And yes, it does say ‘government’ in the URL.

 

Too often, corporate Twitter accounts and thunderously useless. Through these channels, the best you can hope for is pointless platitudes, overly long hashtags that no-one will use and, when the complaints come rolling in, a lot of shrugging while a team leader desperately phones a marketing team, shrieking like it’s the end of the world.

However, sometimes, they come up trumps.

One plucky scamp decided to tell everyone on his feed that he’d had a poo while on a Virgin Train and there was no toilet roll. Virgin leapt into action!

B6prjiJCUAApl 5 Virgin Trains: Helping you out when youve had a dump

As you can see, instead of simply ignoring the text or offering some vouchers 3 hours after the event, the social media team got someone to take some bogroll to our faecal friend.

That, ladies and gents, is how to do corporate social media properly.

porn What does McDonalds and a Scottish theatre have in common? Porn.There’s a lot of accidental porn knocking about this week.

First, we get some special sauce and someone splaying their quarter pounder as customers at a McDonald’s in Switzerland were, ahem, lovin’ it when they were chowing down while TVs showed some hardcore pornography.

Steffen Reiniger was in Maccies in Zuchwil (translation: suck willy) with his pals when they got a side of jizz thanks to the Sexy Sports Clips show which was being aired by a German sports channel.

“We were only a group of men so it didn’t bother us, although what would have happened if there was a family in the restaurant at that time I don’t know,” Reininger said.

The employee who put the particular station on didn’t know that the channel, Sport 1, also shows bongo films. A spokesperson said: “If our employees didn’t immediately realise what was going on it’s because they were concentrating on our customers and their work.”

extra sauce at mcdonalds with side order of porn 500x333 What does McDonalds and a Scottish theatre have in common? Porn.

Over in Edinburgh, a theatre made a similarly smutty mistake as they accidentally sent out a load of porn films to children and their parents. They were meant to be DVDs of school performances.

However, the acting was wooden for a very different reason.

The Edinburgh Playhouse said “highly inappropriate” sexual content appeared on some of the DVDs after a third-party cocked-up the duplication of the recordings.

A spokesman said: “The Edinburgh Playhouse apologises unequivocally for any distress caused to the families affected by this totally unacceptable and unseemly mistake.”

Edithouse, who produced the DVDs, said it took “full responsibility” for mistakes which led to “highly inappropriate and inaccurate material being sent out”, adding: ”We would like to apologise sincerely to the Edinburgh Playhouse for the inconvenience and most importantly to the children and parents affected by this terrible error.”

Hahahaha!

This morning, Great Anglia Rail reported delays on one of their services. Always annoying when one of your trains is held-up, but this one piqued the interest.

The delay was because of ‘an unusually large passenger’.

B237fqtIAAASIeV 500x375 Great Anglia Rail delay, thanks to ‘an unusually large passenger’

Spotted by Amy Gray on Twitter, commuters must’ve wondered what in the blazes was going on. It’s one thing being so large you hold a train up, but this passenger was such a behemoth that they were holding up TWO services!

Naturally, the truth of the matter is quite tedious. The word ‘flow’ was cut off the end of the message.

tesco Man threatens to kill Tesco staff with a PHOTO of a gunA man has threatened to kill staff at Tesco in near Cambridge, which is a bit bleak isn’t it? However, there was a problem – he was holding a photograph of a gun.

Officers (real ones, not lifesize photocopies) were called to the supermarket after staff told the 999 operators that a man was threatening to kill them all, as well as waving around an image of a firearm.

A force spokeswoman said: “A 34-year-old man from Cambridge was arrested on November 12th on suspicion of making threats to kill. He was released on police bail to return to Parkside police station in Cambridge on January 14, 2015.”

A Tesco spokesman said: “This is now a matter for the police and we are helping them with their inquiries”.

Now, if you imagine everyone trying to stop themselves from laughing about the man and his photograph of a weapon while making their statements, you’re probably somewhere close to the truth of the situation.

On a serious note though, do be careful out there. If there’s people doing things like this, then soon, we might see people carrying a photocopy of a massive bomb or something.

Watch man cry in Apple shop for a refund

November 10th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

There’s nothing quite like a bit of schadenfreude on a Monday morning, taking great glee from someone else’s misery!

In this case, we’re laughing at a certain Mr Pham who went to a shop called Mobile Air in Singapore to buy his girlfriend an iPhone 6. He paid S$950 for a handset, however, he didn’t know he’d also signed up for an agreement which meant he had to pay an additional $1,500 for a one-year warranty for it.

Let this be a lesson to you all. Always read the t&cs.

Pham, after weeping and falling to his knees got $400 back, but was still down $550, which is around two months wages for the factory worker.

You’ve got two options, if you want to laugh at Mr Pham. You can either laugh at him for splashing out on an expensive iPhone while being on a small wage or, if you prefer, you can just laugh at him for crying on the floor and not battering the person who filmed him while he wailed.

We suppose you could feel sorry for him, but that wouldn’t be like you lot.

Hilarious kid shows the art of selling loom bands

October 30th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Loom bands, as we know, are trouble. Some of them are toxic. Some of them lumber dads with stupidly high phone bills. However, the main problem is that, once you’ve made a lovely thing with some loom bands, nobody wants them.

And so, to a little girl who has an original approach to the art of commerce while trying to sell her loom band creations.

Not only does she scream the street down in a bid to flog some, she also reveals a hilariously potty mouth when talking about them. Save this video – she might end up on The Apprentice or Dragon’s Den in a few years time.

Funny Girl Sells Loom Bands from Mof Gimmers on Vimeo.

Tesco cash machine offers ‘free erections’

October 29th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Large businesses and government departments just can’t get their heads around the fact that, if you’re going to produce something in Welsh, then it might be a good idea to hire a Welsh person to do it for you or you might end up with all manner of nonsense.

We’ve had roadsigns emblazoned with an out-of-office message and a cycling sign oddly warning of bladder disease (for more, click here, just to see how wrong people get it). Now, we’ve got a cash machine that offers customers ‘free erections’ rather than the usual withdrawals. Arf.

The clanger was spotted at a Tesco in Aberystwyth.

codiad am ddim 500x332 Tesco cash machine offers free erections

Tesco will be sorting this mess out as soon as they can and said: ”Thanks to everyone who pointed out the mistake,” before muttering under their breath about not being able to catch a bloody break at the minute.

Councillor Ceredig Davies, who saw the sign, said: ”There were a few titters in the town so I went down to have a look myself. Ten out of 10 to Tesco for considering the Welsh language… but perhaps they should have had it checked by an actual Welsh speaker before putting the signs on the machines.”

“People get their Welsh translations wrong from time to time but this one is hilarious.”

Saeson ynfyd – dim ond un peth ar eu meddyliau!

People often like to have a bit of fun with their online orders. Someone asked for their shopping to be delivered by someone in a penguin suit (and they obliged) while others have given dinosaurs with orders.

Well, one hungry redditor ordered a couple of pizzas with some caveats.

B0djzzdCMAAdtmA Behold the silly pizza order about spiders and revenge!

As you can see, the customer asked for a crispier than normal pizza crust with the note of “if that’s not vague enough – make it like you’re taking revenge on a cheating boyfriend BUT you still want to reconcile in the not too distant future.” As for the delivery guy, he was told to keep an eye out for a spider called Frank.

There’s three potential responses to this:

1. Urgh! Arseholes! Why won’t they let people just do their jobs without being so bloody wacky and trying to get internet famous all the time! I hope they spat on their pizzas!
2. Aw! How funny! Adding a little humour to the mundane! How fantastic!
3. $20 for two pizzas? Sign me up!

You can decide which category you fall in for yourself.

Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

October 17th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

An American who was visiting London, decided to pop into a branch of Waterstones to look at some books. However, he was so engrossed in his shop that he didn’t realise that all the customers had left and the staff had gone home for their chicken kievs and locked the building.

The staff, naturally, didn’t notice him either.

waterstones trapped 500x280 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

The Texan spent all night alone in the empty shop, sending out a tweet or two while he was there. Of course, it wasn’t long before #waterstonestexan was hatched up and everyone jumped on it.

waterstones trapped 2 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

waterstones trapped 3 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

Some people were less concerned and thinking more about consumer hacks. We suspect Bitterwallet readers wouldn’t need telling to get their loyalty cards swiped throughout the night.

waterstones trapped 4 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

Just after midnight, the Texan was freed from the Waterstones shop, presumably after helping himself to a coffee from the cafe in the store and creasing the spine on some books just to annoy future customers.

waterstones trapped 5 500x301 Waterstones lock Texan in their shopThe story doesn’t end there though. After becoming a Twitter sensation (mostly people taking the piss, of course), David Willis tweeted “I’m free” before telling his girlfriend he was okay.

waterstones trapped 6 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

Oh well.

You’ve probably complained about people wearing wax jackets when they’ve never been near the countryside or whined about Land Rover drivers who only ever use their vehicles in the city. Of course you have. It’s brilliant slagging these people off.

Well, North Face had an idea.

Shoppers in Korea got quite the fright when they were idly browsing through North Face’s wares, to suddenly find that the floor gave way and they had no choice to but to climb like a North Face wearing mountaineering person.

This was all to tie in with the company’s brand’s motto, “Never Stop Exploring.”

After climbing the wall (or falling into a pit), the consumers were then faced with a prize – a coat dangling in mid-air, for which you’d have to jump to claim.

“Consumers are used to comfortable city lives and are losing their natural strengths,” The North Face said about the “Never Stop Exploring” campaign. “Based on this brand philosophy, North Face Korea induces customers to face an unexpected challenge and encourages them to overcome the situation with their own strength in order to begin their journey to explore.”

Also: people will do daft stuff for a freebie. Either way, a decent marketing stunt this. With that, we’d like to see Land Rover showrooms slowly removing their floors and sending the poshos of South West London careering down the side of an active volcano for a test drive.

Shopper gets hit by 25mph mobility scooter in Tesco

October 15th, 2014 6 Comments By Mof Gimmers

mobility scooter 300x168 Shopper gets hit by 25mph mobility scooter in TescoIf you’re shopping at a Tesco in Plymouth, you’d better watch out because it sounds like there’s gangs of hoodlums charging about on mobility scooters.

One shopper has been injured after he was sent flying by an old bloke on his mobility scooter.

Bruce Storr, the man on the receiving end, reckons that the old coot was doing around 25 mph when he got hit, chipping a bone and leaving him hurt and confused. Police are investigating the collision that happened in the Plymouth Tesco, but the driver has not been charged by the cops.

Now, mobility scooters don’t actually go faster than 8mph, but Bruce Storr is a 67 year old lorry driver and he is sure that it was going three times the speed of that.

He said: “I was at the paper stand picking up a newspaper when he came shooting out of the aisle where they keep the videos and DVDs. It was doing about 25mph – being a HGV driver I am a very good judge of speed.”

“Hit me on the backside. I was knocked backwards by a good five or six feet and landed on my shoulder and my head. I was on the floor when the ambulance came and they took me to A&E. The police were also there and spoke to witnesses and took statements. I didn’t see much else but my Granddaughter said he was a grumpy old man, swinging his legs around like he didn’t care. He didn’t apologise.”

Remember that – lorry drivers are a very good judge of speed.

A spokesman for Devon and Cornwall Police said: “The man was taken to hospital with minor injuries and police attended the scene. Inquiries are ongoing.”