Posts Tagged ‘funeral’

Rent a professional mourner for your funeral

March 27th, 2013 7 Comments By Lucy Sweet

rihanna state funeral 2 SPL 225x300 Rent a professional mourner for your funeral   Are you unpopular? Are you a bitter, petty and vindictive swine who alienates everybody around you with your stinkbomb of a personality? Well, worry no more, because when you die, you can now rent someone to cry at your funeral for just £45!

The trend for professional mourning started in China and the Far East, and now the service has extended to Essex. The agency, Rent a Mourner, have 20 actors (or ‘moirologists’ as they’re technically known) for hire to make up your funeral numbers and have a good old grief stricken blub at the back of the church.

The Chinese swear by rented sobbers, and it’s also a service that’s popular in the Middle East, where much wailing and gnashing of teeth is used to mark the passing of loved ones. The rise of multiculturalism in the UK has led to more demand here, causing Ian Robertson to start his sad agency in Braintree.

‘It is growing in the UK – our bookings are up 50 per cent year on year.’ he says.’ Our staff will meet with the client beforehand and agree “the story”, so our staff will either have known the deceased professionally or socially. They will be informed of the deceased’s background, achievements, failures etc., so they can converse with other mourners with confidence.’

So next time you’re at a funeral, check out the back row for a hammy actress with an onion in her hanky who says: ‘Boo hoo -£45 please.’

Planning to die soon? Looking to do something a different at your own funeral? Maybe you should take some tips from New Orleans jazz musician ‘Uncle’ Lionel Baptiste, who hung around in full view as opposed to hiding away inside a stuffy coffin.

treme Dead jazz musician thinks outside the box at own funeral...

The former 80-year-old was embalmed, dressed and stood up so that mourners good get one good last look at him before he disappeared forever. Some guests made the mistake of thinking they were looking at a waxwork dummy of Uncle Lionel and had to be informed otherwise.

The idea was hatched by several of his children and it isn’t clear whether or not the singer and drummer had any idea what was happening. Well, obviously he had no idea what was happening, but you know what we mean.

The Doritos Man is dead! But he will sleep forever more accompanied by his tasty snacks. We should explain.

Arch Clark West has died at the age of 97. He was the man who came up with the idea of sprinkling cheesy dust on to corn chips, which then became Doritos. In short, a food genius. Rest in peace Arch.

But Arch will be resting with his beloved creation – his daughter has said that his family will be flinging some Doritos on to his coffin before the chuck the dirt in. “He’ll love it” she says.

Will it turn out something like this???