Posts Tagged ‘food’
Debenhams now allowing you to order coffee in plain English
October 30th, 2012 • 8 Comments
Ordering coffee in Italian is a daunting prospect, especially if you can barely speak the language you were born with (hello there people of Wigan). With that, the rapacious nature of the coffee house has been a troublesome sight for unfortunates.
Grande doesn’t mean biggest? Or does it?
Either way, Debenhams are ditching all that in favour of a delightfully dumb menu after their customers (70% of them) moaned that it was confusing remembering what three words meant, and couldn’t work out that they could ask the staff or say things like ‘medium’ and the person serving you would know what you meant.
Either way, you won’t be hearing people say venti skinny latte in Debenhams from now on. Basically, you’ll be able to ask for things like ‘a black coffee’, ‘one of them frothy ones’ or ‘one with chocolate in’.
The store said: “We’re testing a redesign of the menu so shoppers spend less time playing coffee Cluedo and more time enjoying their favourite drink.”
The Plain English Campaign (yes, that’s an actual thing) welcomed the move with founder Chrissie Maher saying: “Whether tea or coffee, it needs to be in plain English. If customers can read the menu clearly, they’re more likely to try something new and they may come back.”
Next week: Spaghetti renamed long tomato pasta and Rioja, wobbly grape drink.
Heinz signal end of the world with ketchup in jars
October 5th, 2012 • 9 Comments
Are you one of those unrelenting bastards who can’t admit that you like things that are bad for you? Do you need people to serve chips in a plastic basket because it makes you feel like you’re in Man Vs Food? Do you only eat crisps when they have a picture of a farm on the packet and the name of the person who caressed each potato in the manufacturing process?
Thanks to hooting berks like you, Heinz have gone and put tomato sauce in a jar for absolutely no reason.
Apparently, ketchup in a a jar has been “carefully crafted to complement more consumers’ mealtimes, designed with adults in mind,” or if you prefer, signalling the end of civilisation as we know it by underlining just what a bloated, self-serving, failing species humans really are.
These monstrosities will appear in shops later this month and generally aping those stupid ramekins you get in gastropubs, filled with ketchup with something else mixed into it. And they’ll cost you £1.79.
Flavours on sale will be Tomato Sauce With A Bit Of Balsamic Vinegar And Some Herbs and Tomato Sauce With Some Garlic And A Bit Of Honey In It.
Emma Rumble, Senior Brand Manager at Heinz, said, with no trace of irony: “We’ve developed a new range of tasty ketchups – rich, thick and full of flavour – to complement more of the meals we know our adult consumers eat. Our aim is for Heinz Tomato Ketchup to be enjoyed at every mealtime, and the new jar format means our consumers can simply spoon out and enjoy more often!”
“Launching our new ketchup range is another example of our continued commitment to developing new innovations that create excitement in the category.”
Next week: Ready Meals sold on bits of slate, complete with free gurgling foodie.
Staff encouraged to be thundering berks at Jamie Oliver’s restaurants
August 24th, 2012 • 13 CommentsOver on Twitter, a list has been shared out which is apparently the words that the staff are encouraged to use at Jamie Oliver’s restaurants. Of course, your blood-pressure will rocket as you read things like “pimp”, “slamming” and “proper rustic.”
Sadly, “overpriced”, “galling” and “shite” haven’t been included, which is strange.
As bacon is branded Brits’ number one food – here’s six of the best
July 26th, 2012 • 1 Comment
It’s official! Britain’s favourite foodstuff (as if there was any doubt) is… BACON! A survey of 2,000 human beings, carried out by the Food Network has shown that more of us prefer the sizzling sandwich-enhacer more than anything else, with chicken and chocolate coming in second and third (the Daily Mail have the top 100).
Here at Baconwall… erm, Bitterwallet, we’ve been advocating the beautiful pig meat as the solution to all of mankind’s woes for a long time now – so here’s our six favourite bacon features once again…
• Take bacon into the bedroom – yes, it’s BACON LUBE.
• You won’t make it to the bedroom without some romance first – say it with BACON ROSES.
• Wake up the next morning to the beautiful smell you know and love, courtesy of the BACON ALARM CLOCK.
• Drink it, drink it, drink it! Yes, it’s BACON SYRUP.
• Hailing from the promisingly-named Stan’s Formalwear… say hello to the BACON TUXEDO.
• The ONLY thing to watch while you revel in your bacon-only lifestyle – why it’s BACON-CAM.
Has your Burger King lettuce had feet all over it?
July 20th, 2012 • 4 CommentsNext time you order something from Burger King, you may want to hold on the lettuce after a picture emerged online of some goon, claiming to have stood all over it in their shoes which have probably had dog ‘business’ on them.
Over in That America, a Mayfield Heights Burger King employee posted a picture of a pair of human legs, stood in a load of lettuce on 4Chan.
“We don’t believe it is true,” said the Mayfield Heights Burger King manager. However, if that’s the case, it doesn’t explain why three employees at the branch have been fired over the incident. Burger King corporation are also looking into the allegation.
“We are aware of the photo that was allegedly posted by an employee at a Burger King restaurant in Ohio and are taking the issue very seriously. Food safety is a top priority for Burger King restaurants and the company has strict policies regarding its food handling procedures. We are investigating the matter and will take appropriate action as necessary,” Bryson W. Thornton, Global Communications Director, said.
Ukraine menu serves up terminal illness
June 11th, 2012 • 4 CommentsWith Euro2012 kicking off (in both senses of the phrase) in Poland and the Ukraine, there’s a feast of football and a feast of a very different kind. Spotted on a Ukrainian menu, it seems that the British love of offal is only matched by the Ukrainian need for disease.
In what appears to be the Italian section of this Ukraine menu, you can clearly see that, should you wish, you can order some penne pasta with asparagus, cream and ‘meat cancer’. Delicious!
[via twitter.com/mmgeissler]
Food industry ready to cut calories all over the place
March 24th, 2012 • 10 Comments
This could soon become a thing of the past
The government, which lest we forget is full of grade one WEIRDOS like Philip Hammond and Theresa May, is not satisfied with weakening our booze and then charging us more for it – now the wretched bastards are tampering with our food as well.
A whopping 17 food and drink companies have pledged to cut calories in their delicious goods as part of the war on obesity or something. Additionally, Cadbury’s have turned themselves into a laughing stock by agreeing to add resealable packaging on many of their chocolate bars – as if THAT’S going to stop us.
Under the new scheme, every chocolate bar made by Mars will have a cap of 250 calories, while the UK arm of Coca Cola says it will introduce a 30% reduction in some of its soft drinks by 2014. Seriously, what is going to be the point of living?
Sneering tossprick health boss Andrew Lansley reckons that three quarters of the food retail sector will be signing up to his joyless scheme. We demand to know the names of the companies that are giving it a swerve so that we can pledge our allegiance to their wares.
Deathwatch: Premier Foods lose £230m
March 19th, 2012 • 11 Comments
An example of "some food"
Premier Foods has signed a deal with lenders that will force it to offload £330m of assets and hand over any extra income in a “cash sweep” to banks, according to reports.
The company, which owns Mr Kipling and Hovis and now wondering why they didn’t notice the huge number of other things that are regarded to be the best thing since sliced bread.
The details of its financing deal were revealed alongside the company’s annual results, which showed the company nosediving into the red with a £230m loss.
Trading profit fell from £245.7m to £173.7m, with pre tax profit going from £28.5m in 2010 to a £230m loss thanks to a£282m impairment charge in addition to sales falling from £2.3bn to £1.9bn “reflecting the challenging consumer environment” as new chief Executive Michael Clarke said the company “intends to draw a line under the performance of 2011,”.
In Premier Food’s statement Mr Clarke said: “Having put the financing and strategic building blocks in place, our immediate priorities are to implement this re-financing package, continue stabilising the business, re-focus the portfolio and invest in our future growth.” Well, he WOULD say that, wouldn’t he?
However, shares fell more than 4pc in early trading to 11.65p. Warburtons are said to be thrilled at the news. Or something
Morrisons to hold their own music festival… no really
March 9th, 2012 • 18 Comments
Branding in music is not a new thing and bands sign-up with various companies in a way that doesn’t give people the opportunity to shout “SELL OUT!” at them. So, cool hifi gear, technology, booze and clothes usually fit the bill.
However, what kind of band signs up to play a festival that Morrisons are putting on?
No, this isn’t some weird dream you’re having. Supermarket chain Morrisons are holding their own food and music festival this summer and its called MFest. Feel free to make your own ‘getting trolleyed‘ or ‘checkout the best music‘ puns here.
MFest will take place at Harwood House, Leeds from July 7-8 and will feature performances from The Human League, one of the Sex Pistols, Bob Geldof and Beautiful South/Housemartins’ singer Paul Heaton. Oh, and celebrity chefs Aldo Zilli and Atul Kocchar will be knocking around too, presumably not telling you to use your local butcher rather than a big chain of supermarkets.
Richard Hodgson, Morrisons Group Commercial Director, said: “MFEST will be a unique addition to the festival market with not only a glittering array of entertainment for all ages, but a brand new, reinterpretation of festival food: from fantastic gourmet meals, to on-the-go treats, to live demos and interactive stalls for everyone to get involved and get creative.”
“We are incredibly excited to be the lead sponsor with such an incredible line up planned and thrilled that our food will be keeping the crowds going at the inaugural MFEST experience.”
Click over the jump to see the full line-up and, if you so please, shake your head wearily at each act. Please note the appearance of ‘political’ acts like The Levellers and Geldof signed up for this gawdawful cash-in. Then laugh at them. Here’s hoping they all get pelted with scotch eggs (apart from The Human League because they can do no wrong).
More ‘destitute families’ appealing for food aid
October 3rd, 2011 • 8 Comments
Some food, yesterday
New figures have shown that there has been a sharp rise in the number of people asking for food handouts as rising prices and falling incomes start to bite those of us who are on the breadline.
Fareshare, the charity that redirects food trade surpluses to those in need have said that they are handing out grub to 35,000 people per day, up from 29,000 last year. Additionally, Fareshare say that one in three charities that it supplies are facing impending funding cuts.
They pass on food that has been donated to organisations like homeless hostels, women’s refuges, day centres and after-school clubs, but say that they are receiving more requests for help from ‘destitute families’.
Fareshare chief executive Lindsay Boswell has said: “We’re asking anyone who works in the food industry in any capacity to look at what is happening to their surplus food and to ask themselves a simple question: ‘Could this food stop someone going hungry?”
Google: Now serving ‘multi-cuisine & nonveg’
September 28th, 2011 • 3 CommentsYou may have seen the fake Chinese Apple stores, and chances are, so did Google. Google probably got a bit jealous that they weren’t worth aping. NO FEAR! Along comes Hotel Google: The Food Junction! We’re not really sure what’s going on here, but it doesn’t look too legit does it? Unless it’s a very sophisticated Google Doodle…
[imgur]
Pizza Hut draw unicorn at customer’s behest – start doing your worst
August 30th, 2011 • 8 CommentsDomino’s Pizza Hut usually save their sense of humour when deciding new recipes for their barely edible pizzas. However, they’ve shown another side to their fun when a customer asked them to draw a unicorn on the box.
And that’s exactly what they did.
This gave us an idea. We’re asking you to ask Pizza Hut (or Domino’s) to draw things on your orders and send your pictures in to us. Anyone who manages to get them to draw a bit spunking phallus gets our ever lasting respect.
[via avid Bitterwallet reader Jeff Blankenburg]
Contaminated Kettle Chips recalled by FSA
August 4th, 2011 • 2 Comments
The Food Standards Agency (FSA) have issued a recall notice on four varieties of Kettle Chips.
So if you’ve got some in your desk drawer for an afternoon snack, watch yourself.
Why? Well, thousands of packets aren’t exactly living up to the claim that they contain “absolutely nothing artificial”. Basically, a batch may have been contaminated with pieces of plastic that look like crisps.
Plastic crisps. Tasty.
The company itself says: “As a precautionary measure, we are asking customers not to eat the product and to contact us for a full refund.”
If you’ve got a 150g bag of Wave Cut Lightly Salted, Wave Cut Salt & Pepper, Wave Cut Salt & Vinegar, or Lightly Salted Kettle Chips, don’t munch on them quite so absent-mindedly.
All of the four batches affected have a best before date of 29 Oct 2011.
Thousands of packets of Kettle Chips have been recalled after a batch of the products may have been contaminated with pieces of plastic that look like crisps.
The big screen in your shopping basket – your suggestions please
August 1st, 2011 • 7 Comments
Sunday was the first time in a while I’ve done a cartoon style double-take – I glanced at Barry Norman’s face on a jar of pickled onions, looked away, shook my head in astonishment then turned back to check my eyes weren’t playing silly buggers.
While I’m reasonably sure that they’re a recent addition to Sainsbury’s inventory, the aging film pundit has been putting his name to pickled onions for four years. It’s an old family recipe passed down to Norman through the ages, and one that I’ve since learnt makes for an onion so tart and spicy that it can blow your mouth off your face.
Perhaps they haven’t got quite the same celebrity attraction as Paul Newman’s range of sauces and dressings, but hats off to Bazza for forcing his unbearably firey fayre on the rest of us. It also begs the question – which other film and television folk should put their names to groceries? Lorraine Kelly’s Meat Growler, anyone? Stick your suggestions in the comments.
Can we please have a 3D chocolate printer now?
July 8th, 2011 • 7 CommentsChocolate. What a wonderful, wonderful thing it is. With its propensity for giving you Type 2 Diabetes, you could argue that chocolate is the most noble form of suicide. However, the problem with chocolate is that it is all a bit uniform. It all kinda looks the same. Personalised chocolate has got as far as Thornton’s writing stupid messages on it.
But not for long! Retailers will no doubt be thrilled at the development of a new printer which produces 3D chocolate. If it takes off, it’ll give us plebs the opportunity to design and create our own products. While there may be thousands of possibilities, we’re betting that most people design crude appendages mostly.
Lead researcher on the machine, Dr Liang Hao, says: “What makes this technology special is that users will be able to design and make their own products. From reproducing the shape of a child’s favourite toy to a friend’s face, the possibilities are endless and only limited by our creativity.”
The project is funded as part of the Research Council UK Cross-Research Council Digital Economy Programme and is managed by the Engineering and Physical Science Research Council (EPSRC). We should mention that because they’re the bores who will eventually liven up our drab, sorry lives.
