Posts Tagged ‘food’

It seems that the British public has long memories when it comes to horsemeat, and they never want to risk accidentally eating perfectly edible and safe horsemeat ever again. Instead, people have started using their local butcher – who probably scratches his dandruff into the sausages – but at least he’s not a horse, or worse still, a FOREIGN HORSE FROM ROMANIA.

butcher 286x300 Local butchers still doing well out of horsemeat scandal

According to the National Federation of Meat and Food Traders, the good old independent British butcher is experiencing an upturn in fortunes, with reports of a 15%-50% increase in demand. Customers are keen to know the provenance of their meat since the horsemeat scandal, and butchers have managed to hold onto their trade – as stripy-aproned random guys with massive knives are seen to be more of a trusted source of local produce than the supermarket.

Still, although it might be borne out of unfounded squeamishness and xenophobia, people buying their food from a local small business is a nice return to the butcher/baker/candlestick maker high street shopping of old. Roger Kelsey, CEO of the NFMFT said:

‘Independent butchers have the benefit of local supply and in most cases they know the farmer up the road and have a one-to-one relationship with them.’

Eeee, I remember when it were all Asda superstores round here, as far as the eye could see…

scotch whiskey glass Scotch whisky needs to be protected and so does everything elseThere’s a new scheme that has been launched which want to give Scotch whisky some protection from crappy, sub-standard products. And it really is about time. The French have made huge amounts of money by having their famous produce protected, like champagne and most of their cheeses.

The Spirit Drinks Verification Scheme, set up by the government, is hoping to do the same with our booze, so you know that, if you’re spending your money on whisky, you’re not getting an inferior product. If we could do the same for our cheese and sausages, that would be great (Lancashire cheese should be made in Lancashire and Lincolnshire sausages should be made in Lincolnshire, rather than anyone from anywhere simply following the recipe for a regional cheese).

This protection will be extended to other geographically specific drinks, such as Somerset Cider Brandy and whiskey made in Northern Ireland, with blenders, producers, bottlers and importers needing to apply to HMRC if they want to be verified. It might seem like a trivial thing, but the country stands to make much more money on drink and food, so it can’t be a bad thing.

Producers will have to sign up for the scheme if they want to sell within the EU.

Scotch Whisky Association chief executive David Frost said: “This is a step change in the protection of Scotch whisky and should be warmly welcomed. We fully support the introduction of the verification scheme by the UK government. It will give even more protection to consumers of Scotch whisky.”

“It will greatly improve the industry’s ability to stop the sale of adulterated Scotch whiskies bottled abroad.”

Depressing hipster café puts a price on time

January 9th, 2014 11 Comments By Lucy Sweet

A café is supposed to be little oasis of calm and contemplation, where you can refuel and relax. But not Café Ziferblat, a new business in London’s idiot capital Shoreditch. Instead of charging you for tea, coffee and biscuits, they charge for that most precious of commodities – time. 3p a minute, to be exact.

cafe ziferblat 300x180 Depressing hipster café puts a price on time

At Ziferblat (which means clock face in Russian, yeah?) an antique clock is given to you when you arrive, then you hand it back when you leave. In between that, you actually have to make your own coffee and do your own dishes. So basically, it’s a room full of chairs and tables and a kettle, which you rent out by the minute.

Apparently Café Ziferblat has been a big hit in Russia, where people aren’t used to having nice things. Owner Ivan Mitin boasts nine branches there, which bring in 30,000 customers a month. He calls it a ‘free space’ (which is er, not free) where customers can be ‘micro tenants’.

But will it take off here? Because apparently I’ve heard that there’s this great place called ‘Your House’ where there’s a kettle and you don’t have to shell out 3p a minute to sit at a table with a bunch of East London trendy eejits being mercilessly tormented by f***** ticking f***** antique clocks.


Surprise surprise: breakfast biscuits are rubbish

December 18th, 2013 6 Comments By Lucy Sweet

It’s always been hard to imagine how the dry discs that are Belvita breakfast biscuits could constitute a healthy, filling breakfast. And guess what? They’re full of sugar and fat – so much so that you may as well scoff a packet of Hob Nobs in a bowl with some milk.

belvita Surprise surprise: breakfast biscuits are rubbish

That’s according to Which! who tested a range of breakfast biscuits, and found that seven out of ten of them had more sugar per 100g than a Digestive biscuit. Most breakfast biscuits, like Oat So Simple bars, Belvita and McVities are full of ‘healthy’ honey (sugar) and yoghurt (fat). But they usually contain around 25% sugar – compared to Corn Flakes (8% sugar) and Digestives with 16.6% sugar.

It’s hard to imagine why anyone would want to eat them anyway, but Which! have decreed that breakfast biscuits are, essentially, just biscuits in disguise.

Richard Headland from Which! said: ‘It’s tempting to grab a breakfast biscuit when you’re on the go, but we’ve found they’re not always the healthiest choice. You’re probably better off with a bowl of porridge or a healthier cereal, like Weetabix.’


Deathwatch: Bananas!

December 17th, 2013 2 Comments By Lucy Sweet

ARRRRRGH! The fate of the banana could be in jeopardy, thanks to plagues of bugs and banana related infections that are currently sweeping Costa Rican banana crops.

sad bananas 300x201 Deathwatch: Bananas!

The bugs, called mealybugs, might sound like cosy little critters made up by Roald Dahl, but they’re a menace to our yellow, fruity friends. Along with their partners in crime, scale bugs, they’ve destroyed almost 20% of banana crops – and the problem is so bad that Costa Rica has declared a national banana emergency.

Magda Gonzalez, from the agricultural ministry, said the reason the bugs – which weaken the plants and cause discolouration on the fruit – were spreading was clear. ‘I can tell you with near certainty that climate change is behind these pests.’

But the problem isn’t just confined to Costa Rica, or bugs. Scientists have also found a strain of fungus, catchily named Fusarium oxysporum f. sp.cubense (Foc), in banana crops as widespread as Mozambique and Jordan. Experts are now worried that the plague will spread to the whole of Latin America and the Caribbean, where 80% of bananas are grown.

We need help, otherwise our favourite fruit will die!

If this isn’t a case for Bananaman, I don’t know what is.


December 12th, 2013 5 Comments By Lucy Sweet

Forget guns, there’s soon going to be a 3D printer that can print out…PIZZA! The device, invented by Natural Machines of Barcelona, builds up layers of ingredients which you can ‘design’ using the control panel. It does pizza, pasta, and even cakes.

foodini 3D prints a pizza designboom 01 300x196 PRINT OUT YOUR OWN FOOD

The ‘Foodini’ (see what they did, there?) goes on sale in the middle of next year and costs £835. The fresh ingredients come in capsules, like edible printer ink, and are sold separately.

But although it sounds really exciting and modern, printing out your food could be as time consuming as measuring out ingredients and preparing it yourself. And there’s one – fairly major – drawback. It doesn’t actually COOK it.

‘Foodini does not automate all your cooking, nor does it cook food. If necessary, it can keep food warm as it works as it contains a heating element.’ Said a spokesman for the company.

So instead of faffing around with capsules and a machine that costs the best part of a month’s wages, you could just go to the shops, get a frozen Dr Oetker for £2.99 and put it in the oven.

Yeah, let’s do that, instead.

How to… eat an apple

December 11th, 2013 8 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Like apples? We’re talking about the fruit, not the gadget-makers. Well, you’ve been eating them all wrong.

Grub-botherers Foodbeast, who have previously told us that we’ve been doing Tic-Tacs all wrong and removing the green bit off a strawberry like idiots and more, are now showing us the error of our ways with apples. Seems trivial, but you’ve been wasting “15 to 30% of every apple”, and in American money, that’s a “waste of $42″ a year.

So what do you need to do? The answer is surprisingly easy and all you have to do is watch this video.

As you can see, you’ve been eating it around the awful, inedible core and binning it. If you just ate it top-to-bottom, the core ostensibly disappears, making more flesh to eat for everyone in these terrible economic times.

Foodbeast said: “Eating it from the sides is wasteful. But if you eat it from the top, the core doesn’t even exist.”

So there you have it. More apple for your buck. Get a bag on the way home and wow your friends and family with your revolutionary new way of eating slightly more fruit.

£314 for the world’s most expensive ready-meal

December 4th, 2013 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Recipie For Natural Dog Food 1 300x224 £314 for the worlds most expensive ready mealOnce again, some pointless berk has decided to make ‘the world’s most expensive’ something. In this instance, it is a ready meal and a chef has thrown oysters, gold leaf and Dom Perignon at it so no-one will buy it for £314, but idiots like us will write about it.

Of course, these ‘world’s most expensive thing that is usually cheap’ projects are PR stunts for those trying to flog something else, so, in the name of fairness, we’ll talk about the ready meal but purposefully fail to mention the people behind it.

So, do you fancy a really posh microwave meal?! Well, Some Chef has invented the Swish Pie which is a fancy version of a fish pie and it contains vintage champagne, lobster, Balik salmon, the aforementioned oysters and gold leaf, as well as wild turbot, white Alba truffles and a load of other stuff no-one cares about like sea salt harvested from the Piran Salt Pans.

It goes without saying that these pies will only be available for a limited time and for the site of Some Chef who made it. If you’re adamant you need a name, let us patronise you with this link.

The pie is topped off with an amuse-bouche of Beluga Caviar, served on two mother of pearl spoons, which will probably impress a some vapid clothes designer or something, especially as each meal is delivered in a bespoke aluminium case, handcuffed to a professional security guard.

Some chef said: “We wanted to take our reputation for making the finest [blah blah blah] truly extraordinary [yadda yadda] always been obsessed with quality ingredients, provenance and unique and [waffle waffle] the most exclusive ingredients while developing this unique recipe to ensure that it really is [kills self]”

Meanwhile, the supermarkets have a load of ready meals you actually want to eat and you’ll probably be able to get 2 for £6.

Greggs announce ‘fish custard’ for Whovians

November 22nd, 2013 7 Comments By Mof Gimmers

We’re not sure if Greggs have started having glue on their Corn Flakes in the mornings, but over on their website, they’ve announced something called ‘fish custard’.

fish custard Greggs announce fish custard for Whovians

You can have a look at their page here – - which is accompanied by this: “In a rush? Too busy for lunch, followed by pudding? 1 out of 11 Doctors recommend Fish Custard. Perhaps the greatest sweet-savoury invention since the Yorkshire Pudding… Fish Fingers & Custard make a delicious snack.”

**edit** Turns out this is a reference to Doctor Who. Thanks to all the Sheldon Cooper’s who pointed that out to us.

We’ve all been doing ketchup wrong

November 19th, 2013 6 Comments By Mof Gimmers

In McDonald’s, they dole out tomato sauce differently. No longer do you get a sealed tub, but rather, you serve yourself from a dispenser into a little paper cup.

So far, so obvious. However, it turns out we’ve all been doing it wrong. If you’re just sticking sauce into a cup, then you’re missing out on a world of slightly more ketchup.

Turns out that they’re built to be fanned out, allowing you a greater dunking surface area. Watch.

Now you can dunk your burger as well as your fries! This is magnificent news for all concerned. Of course, there will be people who already knew this and kept it to themselves like dreadful arses, but now the information is out there for all of us!

This is a human progression up their with penicillin and the combustion engine.

Iceland – the king of brilliant knockoffs!

November 18th, 2013 4 Comments By Mof Gimmers

You have to applaud people for their shameless attempts to ride the coattails of those more successful. There’s some hilarious knockoff Manchester United kits doing the rounds and of course, all good B&M Bargain shops have things that Look A Bit Like Mars Bars and the like.

However, Iceland have gone one further than everyone else, with a range of snack which are enough to make a lawyer’s bumhole twitch.

IMG 4914 Iceland   the king of brilliant knockoffs!


Behold, the majesty of a packet of Wotsi… hang on, Wot’sthis? And there’s more.

IMG 4910 Iceland   the king of brilliant knockoffs!

However, these aren’t bags of crisps; these are things you cook in the oven! There’s a range of official tie-ins and one sly dupe.  And, if you’re wondering what is inside, the wonderful Grocery Gems reviewed them all.

Have a look here –


Fancy a McDonald’s McRib?

November 13th, 2013 6 Comments By Mof Gimmers

A Reddit user has shared a picture of a frozen McRib – the legendary McDonald’s sandwich – and people aren’t impressed. The user said: ”My buddy works at McDonald’s and sent me this photo of raw McRib meat.”

And here it is.

mcrib 500x333 Fancy a McDonalds McRib?

Of course, McDonald’s rarely put out the McRib and when they do, it is for a limited time. This has seen people getting obsessive about it to the point of creating a McRib Locater so it can be found wherever it is in the world.

Frozen, it doesn’t look too great, but then again, most uncooked meat looks pretty hanging.

Obviously, you lot have dreadful table manners, so when you’re eating a burger, everyone around you feels violently ill, watching you grind meat and bread to a lumpy paste, lettuce hanging out of your teeth.

Thankfully, the Japanese have just the thing! Over there, ochobo (small, modest mouths) are a much desired thing, so burger chain Freshness Burger, have launched a modesty napkin called the ‘Liberation Wrapper’.

Thanks to this wrapper, sales have rocketed. “Their largest and best-tasting Classic Burger was amongst the least chosen by their female customers,’ explained a spokesman for Dentsu East Japan, the firm that created the wrapper. “One of the major reasons seems to relate to Japanese manners… It is good manners to cover their mouth when they have to largely open up their mouth.”

“Our female customers had a frustration of not being able to do it. Freshness Burger decided to challenge convention, freeing women from the spell of ochobo mouth.”

You disgusting gits should get some too AND you’ll look like you have the jaw of an attractive Japanese woman. Win-win!

Anyone fancy some chocolate crisps?

November 5th, 2013 5 Comments By Mof Gimmers

chocolate crisps 215x300 Anyone fancy some chocolate crisps?We’ve seen Pepsi flavoured crisps on Bitterwallet, and now we’ve got chocolate covered crisps, which have just been unleashed on America, with women in mind. Presumably men wouldn’t be interested or they’ve already worked out that you can buy a bag of crisps and a chocolate bar and put them both in your mouth at the same time.

Jennifer Saenz, Lay’s senior director of marketing, said: “The increasing popularity of chocolate-covered snacks among our target audience, millennial women. … They are looking for those more indulgent, savory/sweet combinations.”

So, basically, Lay’s ‘Wavy’ is a cross between Cadbury’s Snaps and Tayto’s cheese and onion chocolate bar then?

Lay’s reckon that the “possibilities are endless”, which means (should these take off) we could end up with chocolate dip for your chocolate crisps, or maybe yoghurt covered cheesy Cheetos? Or maybe they’ll do a teabag covered in salt and pepper icing?

Either way, these are being trialed in the States and there will be a worldwide roll-out if they’re a success. Maybe then, McDonald’s will work a way of combining flavours for people who like dunking their fries in a chocolate milkshake.

Lidl – now selling reindeer meat for Christmas

October 31st, 2013 12 Comments By Mof Gimmers

reindeer 251x300 Lidl   now selling reindeer meat for ChristmasLidl are under fire as they get in the Christmas spirit by selling reindeer meat, so you can eat Rudolph this Yuletide.

If you’re interested in eating an animal that isn’t turkey, then you can grab a reindeer steak for £7.99. Reindeer is part of Lidl’s premium range, which means venison, quail and partridge is also up for grabs. Obviously, the supermarket is trying to attract middle class customers.

Animal campaigners, of course, are furious, saying the whole thing is a “sick novelty”, but they’ve missed the fact that this isn’t the first time Lidl have actually sold reindeer. These campaigners also reckon that this product endangers wolves and bears.

Justin Kerswell, of animal welfare and vegetarian group Viva!, said: “What Lidl aren’t telling their customers is that to put reindeer meat on British shelves, other large wild animals are systematically hunted, or trapped, and shot. All that seemingly matters to this cut-price supermarket is delivering sick novelty and the pursuit of profit this Christmastime.”

Lidl aren’t having that though. A spokesperson said: “The animals are slaughtered in strict accordance with EU guidelines in a EU certified slaughterhouse, where the animals are stunned prior to the slaughtering process. We takes issues of animal welfare as well as environmental protection very seriously.”

Obviously, animal welfare isn’t being taken too seriously, what with animals dying in the process… but who cares? Who fancies a reindeer burger? Apparently it tastes somewhere between beef and lamb, but with an aftertaste of liver.