Hey – put your money away because it’s no good here. We’re only interested in free stuff, all of which comes courtesy of the beautiful people at HotUKDeals…

FREE BRITNEY SPEARS FRAGRANCE: A toot of Radiance, the new dose of liquid sniff from the troubled pop starlet.

FREE KITCHEN GOODIES: Courtesy of the milk geniuses at Cravendale – all manner of lovely stuff to be nabbed.

FREE QUIT SMOKING KIT: From the NHS. Get one of these and help wean yourself off the old cancer sticks.

FREE SOLAR PANELS: Free from British Gas for the first 1500 suitable applicants. Fun from the sun.

FREE CINEMA TICKETS: 1,000 being given away per week. Maybe some of them could be yours!

FREE DOCTOR WHO GAME: Called Tardis (Adventure Game 3) (pictured), you too could become the lisping, floppy-haired Timelord.

(deals found by HUKD members joggerspark, lee20072007, mai, OperateOnMe, Micro Man and andywedge)

Who wants free stuff? We said who wants free stuff? Okay… who wants a nudie pool party? Tough cookies, we’ve only got free stuff, fresh from the vines of HotUKDeals…

FREE REDLASER IPHONE APP: The barcode-scanning app that compares prices for you as the shopkeeper stares angrily at your goings-on. Was paid-for but now it’s FREE.

FREE ENERGY-SAVING PLUG: Are you over the age of 70 or claiming certain benefits? Well if you can manage to fill in a simple online form (you know, the sort of thing that people who WORK do every day) you can get a free energy-saving plug.

FREE CYBERLINK DVD SUITE 7: What’s that about then? Well, it’s a piece of software that you can use to play, author, edit, re-mix, manage and burn high-definition videos, photos and music. It’s normally £49.90 but you can get one for FREE.

50 FREE PHOTOS: A bunch of free photos, available from various Asda instore photo centres. And they’re not just any old photos – they’re ones you’ve taken yourself!

FREE DOCTOR WHO GAME: Downloadable now, Blood Of The Cybermen is a brand new game starring the wacky Doctor and his lush-as-fuck mate with the short skirt and the face and everything (pictured). Must… stop… watching… children’s… TV… show… but… short… skirt… girl… drags… us… back… every… time…

(Deals found by HUKD members ridgerama, janaltus, Headingley_Lad, lottysdad08 and andywedge)

If you ask us, Doctor Who’s a load of shite these days. For one thing, most of the adventures take place on Earth, which is easily the dullest place in the universe, while for another, the role will soon be played by what is essentially a floppy-haired child. Exterminate!

Everyone who knows a thing or two knows that the greatest Doctor was clearly Tom Baker. Hell, he might be the greatest actor ever. The word ‘understatement’ had been ripped out of the dictionary and thrown out of the window by Baker. Then he took the rest of the dictionary and ate the thing.

Here he is as the Doctor in a series of 1980 ads for Prime computers alongside his hubba-hubba companion Lalla Ward (now Mrs Richard Dawkins, atheism fans!) We’re not sure how a BBC character was allowed to appear in ads almost 30 years ago but we’re not complaining – get a load of the overacting!

Beeb – get rid of the forthcoming fop Doctor and bring back Baker. He’s only 75! But wait – he is back as the Doctor, but in audio form only. Rejoice! We’re nine years old again!