Dear Mister Elliot,

Can I call you Mike? No? Now Mike, your role is Head of Credit and Collections at 3, so you may think this letter doesn’t matter to you. It does. Keep reading.

Here’s the deal. If Three is to continue providing customer support via email through the Three website, then at the very least Customer Services should acknowledge any emails they receive and deal with any issues. That’s what customer support is.

Specifically, if Three is going to offer email as a legitimate way of contact for issues such as contract cancellation – as stated in Three’s terms and conditions – then once more, Customer Services need to read the emails and act on them, not ignore them and deny all knowledge of their existence. If an operator asks a customer to re-send the email, then somebody really should reply. Really.

(By the way, in all our collective time of working on Bitterwallet, none of us have ever seen a more impenetrable set of terms and conditions offered by any business – a two page PDF document featuring over two dozen pages from a booklet. Staggering.)

Mike, these issues are not strictly your concern, but given how the failure of Customer Services must provide plenty of business for you, I thought I’d let you know. What is relevant to you, Mike, is this:

If Three is going to attempt to contact a customer during daytime hours, then failure of the customer to respond to a phone message your operator left with an 8 year-old child is not really an excuse to push an account to a collection agency.

And when a customer responds to the letter you signed, by sending a letter recorded delivery, one that contains all the correspondence they sent to Three by email in the past two months, have the decency to have a note put on their account. If you’re going to threaten people with adverse credit ratings, act when they attempt to put things right.

There are probably many reasons why Three has such a poor share of the mobile market. Treating customers like dogshit, even if they don’t want to give your their custom anymore, really can’t be helping matters. You’re putting your name on these letters, Mike. Do something about it.

Cheers,

Paul

PS – for the love of Christ, change the scripts you dish out to your call centre staff. Asking the customer “is there anything else I can help you with?” when the operator called them to threaten them for non-payment – I’ve gotta be honest, Mike, it’s taking the piss.

You can be insulted or pleased when you get IDed in a shop. Some coo and think “Oooh! I must look young!” whereas others may well mutter “cheeky twat, saying I look like a child! I’ve been divorced three times…”

However, for the most part, you understand that these people are just doing their job. You whip out your ID and take away your smokes or booze and no-one gets hurt.

But what about quiche?

First it was the pyjama ban, and now, one poor sod who went to the Tesco at Cannon Park in Coventry got IDed for some quiche.

Christine Cuddihy who happens to be 24 – not that this should matter one jot – was told she couldn’t buy the 50p quiche slice unless she could prove she was over 21. Was it made of knives or something?

She said: “The girl told me: ‘You don’t look over 21. I need to see some proof of age.” She went on to say “At first I thought she was joking but her face was deadly serious. I didn’t quite know what to say.”

Amusingly, she added: “There was nothing suspicious about me and it’s not even like I was buying a whole quiche to binge on… Tesco should at least give me a free quiche after all this – this time without asking for proof of my age.”

Surely the woman serving (who was apparently in her thirties) was having a laugh? Surely she’d been put up to it by another member of staff? Maybe it was her last day and she thought she’d dick around a bit?

Anyway, Tesco have apologised and said there was no reason why Christine was asked to prove her age. A spokesman said: “We’re completely baffled how, or why, this has happened. If you’re buying an age-related product like a knife or a bottle of booze, a prompt will come up on the till, and there obviously isn’t one on quiche.” He added: “We couldn’t find the staff member who asked for the ID.”

[CoventryTelegraph]

Last week we reported on the rock-vs-hard place conundrum faced by Bitterwallet reader Robert, whose daughter cancelled her Orange mobile contract in August and received verbal confirmation she was canceling-without-fee. The mobile service provider then proceeded to charge her £164 for the remainder of her contract and passed the debt onto Moorcroft Debt Recovery Ltd – not one of the favourite debt collection agencies judging by your comments.

The situation was causing Robert and his daughter a barrel of grief and sleeplessness, but happily Orange have come up trumps after we contacted them regarding the situation. A spokesperson told Bitterwallet:

“We have reviewed the case in question and are contacting the customer to apologise for any confusion this matter may have caused them. We can confirm the charges associated with the issue specific to this account have been dropped.”

We’ve popped out and bought a hat specifically to doff it in Orange’s general direction. Dealing with debt collectors is never fun, especially when there’s a question mark over the debt. We’ve some advice for folk finding themselves in a similar position here.

When it comes to rating computer purchase customer service satisfaction, 7,683 Which? magazine panel members have spoken, and guess who came out worst? Step forward PC World and get a slap across the cheek.

Yes, the DSGi brand that everyone hates to love fell horribly short, even though their name suggests they’d be just the kinds of places you’d love to go when you need to buy a computer. The survey gave them a small and twatty customer service score of just 42%.

PC World’s big cousin Currys fared little better, with a crappy 45% score in the survey. In case you were wondering and are one of those positive types who likes to celebrate winners instead of naming and shaming losers, Apple came top with a tidy 88%, with John Lewis just behind them on 73%

Surprised by any of this? Tell us why. Meanwhile, there should be a fresh dollop of DSGi sleaze to follow later in the day…

Every day you pour out the contents of that swill bucket you call a mind, straight into the comments section of Bitterwallet. Every Friday from today, we’re going to sieve that swill, pick out the lumps and phlegmy viscera to determine what the collective brains of Bitterwallet readers really think.

Let’s kick off with an easy one – budget airlines. On Tuesday we reported on Sky Marshall O’Leary’s plans to expand Ryanair’s operations at Leeds-Bradford Airport, introducing 13 new routes to add to the four existing destinations served. Then yesterday we noticed the extreme knee-jerk reaction from Jet2.com, who clearly didn’t know about the announcement until it happened. Their website is now swathed in claims about the outrageous charges levied by “other airlines” while failing to point out any of their own wallet-raiding techniques.

Plenty of you provided a list of reasons why Jet2 is worse than Ryanair, while others had nothing more to say on the matter other than Ryanair is a lot of old balls. So which is it? And what about the likes of easyJet? So for Friday, vote with your fingers and decide the fate of the big 3 budget airlines:

Any comments, informed reasoning or wild accusations, stick them below as usual.

At Bitterwallet, we’re not just about nit-picking, confused ranting and braying on about how shit everything in the world is. Most the time, yes, but not all of it.

Very occasionally we’re struck by stories of good, such as that of the 96-year-old who received a cheque some 70 years after making a deposit in the Unilever Savings Bank. The Telegraph took up the cause of the nonagenarian (look it up):

The Unilever Savings Bank was wound up in October 1984. In line with standard procedures, the liquidators would have written to interested parties, including creditors, to notify them of the intended dissolution, and provide them with the opportunity to present their claims within a specified time.

From the records you have it seems the sum put aside may have been £10 to accrue interest at 3pc, although the capital may have been more. Purely as a gesture of goodwill, Unilever has sent a cheque for £100.

Unilever probably got the better end of the deal, since £10 in 1940 would be worth nearly £1,400 today when comparing average earnings. Nethertheless, it was a kind gesture of goodwill towards a lady who probably believes she’ll be able to buy a new car with it

Sometimes such goodwill is merely a PR exercise or an attempt to head off bad publicity before it threatens to consume a business and the headlines. Occasionally the gesture is entirely altruistic with no hidden agenda. Either way it got us thinking – what’s the best gesture of goodwill you’ve received from a company? It might have been for shoddy service, damaged goods or an accidental punch in the throat.

Which companies have looked after you when they needn’t have done so? Are there any out there that don’t mind spending a little time and money to take care of their customers?

The Bitterwallet Worst UK Company of 2009 award is coming soon, and one of the minnows has made a big push for the big prize with some diabolical customer service aimed at Harj, a Bitterwallet reader.

Harj ordered some hair care products from the online store of Tops Hair Salon in Bolton a couple of weeks ago. When the goods hadn’t arrived, he enquired after their whereabouts in a nice, friendly way…

“Hi,
I ordered these items 8 days ago and still have not received them.
Just wondering if there’s any more information, how are they sent, is there any tracking numbers?
Regards,
Harj”

…to which the reply came…

“they will probably be at your local sorting office”

Okay, he thought, they probably won’t be, and Harj replied to Tops, explaining why…

“Hi,
If they were at the local sorting office I would have had a card through the door (like my 2 Amazon deliveries this week, which were also sent second class on Monday and have been received).
Was this just sent normal delivery second class? Any tracking numbers?”

This not-unreasonable piece of reasoning seemed to get their backs up at Tops Hair Salon, bringing forth this next email from them…

“when you stop talking to me like shit and ask nicely i will answer you, put as many fucking question marks as you like”

Oh. Oh dear. No need for that, Tops Hair Salon in Bolton. Fortunately, Harj was amused by the sour turn the conversation had taken and responded with…

“Haha ace customer service!”

That must have made him look like a clever twat, at least to whoever is in charge of emails at Tops Hair Salon in Bolton, as their next email read…

“clever twat, have the products and the money. you scrota”

We think they mean ‘scrote’ although we’re not completely sure. Sadly, Harj still hasn’t received the products OR any money, and has filed a Paypal dispute. Here’s hoping it gets sorted soon.

We would not recommend you bait Tops Hair Salon using the email address on their website. That would be wrong. Very wrong.

As we’re past the halfway stage of the year, it’s safe to say that it’s almost Christmas, which means only one thing – Bitterwallet’s Worst UK Company Of 2009 Award.

We’re not sure what became of last year’s winner, Setanta Sports, but as we ready ourselves for the spleen-venting season, The Times have compiled the top five companies who they receive the most complaints about to their Troubleshooter consumer affairs section.

There are no surprises whatsoever in the listing, which is as follows…

1:  BT

2:  ABBEY

3:  ALLIANCE & LEICESTER

4:  NAT WEST

5:  NPOWER

It’s a depressingly predictable list, but who’s been getting your consumer goat recently? Tell us the companies who you think should be up there and why. Maybe you’d even like to stick your neck above the parapet and act as an apologist for the gruesome fivesome listed above. Go on, it’s raining – it’s not as though you’ve got anything better to do.

If you’re an Orange customer and find yourself repeatedly clawing your own face off in frustration at their ineptitude, here’s at least one of the reasons why.

According to an anonymous source that contacted The Register, all of their call centres run customer service systems in Internet Explorer 6. The source, a support technician working in Orange’s Bristol call centre, claims the inability of IE6 to open multiple tabs in the same window and the plodding performance are causing major headaches for operators trying to deal with customer queries.

“If you’ve ever called Orange customer services and wondered why it takes so long to get served, it’s because most of the customer service representatives are battling a system that crashes and fails regularly and, because of using Internet Explorer 6, have to open about 10 separate pages just to deal with one customer’s issues,” the source whispered mysteriously to reporter Robert Redford.

Technicians have tried to resolve the issue by downloading Firefox and other browsers, but have been issued with a strict warning of a £250 fine per PC if they attempt to do so, leaving operators with no choice but to handle queries on a browser released in August 2001, when plenty of us were still peering at the web through modems.

No doubt the cost to Orange of rolling out an update across hundreds of machines will be a pretty penny, but better that than leaving customers the nagging feeling that operators are slow because they don’t care, rather than because they’re working on with a jalopy of a browser.

[The Register]

Twitter: user-defined social media infrastructure, or a lot of pointless faddish cock? The jury may be out to lunch as far as you’re concerned, but there are some folk using it to try and help you.

Although Twitter didn’t hit the mainstream until two or three months ago, it’s been used by some savvy companies for a year or two. A key strength of Twitter is that it’s personal and consistent, and it allows customers to interact with an individual, rather than some faceless call centre worker. It doesn’t mean your problem will be addressed any quicker, but you’ve at least got a chance to directly contacting somebody who gives a damn.

Some of the first businesses to open up customer services on Twitter included Comcast and JetBlue in the US, and now easyJet has jumped on the Twitter bandwagon. Say hello to Paul Hopkins – he’s the brave soul who’s taken on the task of answering questions posed online. He tends to spend half his time apologising for baggage-related rules and fees, but the rest of it is spent helping cutomers resolve issues they’re having with booking flights and the like:

One point to pick up from Hopkins’ Twitter page – easyJet are getting tough on oversized cabin luggage, and are starting to enforce use of the bag gauges, no doubt keen to squeeze every last penny out of customers for checked luggage. At least you know before you go, thanks to Twitter. The bird is indeed the word.

It’s almost like Star Trek. Almost. In Soho restaurant and bar Inamo, they’ve sacked off the waiters who deliberately avoid eye contact with you when attempting to pay the bill, and instead brought in a fully interactive touchscreen menu.

Everything from your starters and mains courses through to your drinks order and even the table cloth can be selected through the menu. There are also links to local information, tube maps and a system for booking taxis.

There’s some sleight of hand at work – there’s no touchscreen capability built into the table; the images are beamed down through a series of projectors suspended overhead. It’s like witchcraft. But the good sort. Not the sort that makes an arse grow out your mouth. That’s the bad sort.

Have you been to Inamo and had a play for yourself? Let us know if the food appears in a replicator-stylee, or whether they’ve still got grunts to fetch it from the kitchen for you.

[Silicon.com]

The old addage you get what you pay for doesn’t strictly apply if you don’t know what it is you’re buying. Such is the way with Lastminute.com’s Top Secret Hotel deals – you choose a hotel by its location and star rating for a generously reduced price, and you only discover its name once booked. It’s a fun way to provide the buyer with a taste of Bond-esque uncertainty and excitement, or the feeling they’re off to meet a lady to see her tuppence for cash.

Unless the hotel happens to be the Hilton on Grosvenor Street in Edinburgh, in which case not only will your hotel room represent an establishment that charges by the hour, but you’ll be completely ignored by customer services despite continued assurances your problem is being dealt with.

Reader Anthony Burns contacted Bitterwallet after three weeks of inaction from Hilton, with regards to a night he spent at the four star hotel at the beginning of March, booked through Lastminute’s Top Secret Hotel deals.

“The the price was less than I’d expect to pay for a room at a Hilton hotel, but I felt sure the experience would not reflect the price. Unfortunately, that turned out not to be the case,” said Burns on a website he created for Hilton management, since their own complaints form allows no more than 2000 characters or the inclusion of images.

As you’ll see on the website, there’s a long list of very reasonable complaints that include a room with no working radiator, a very scummy bathroom, broken window frames and exposed grip-rods:

Despite contacting the Hilton and been told to expect a reply with seven working days, then within three working days when he complained a second time, Burns hasn’t heard a peep from the hotel chain. Since it’s both a 4-star experience FAIL and customer service FAIL from Hilton, Bitterwallet has contacted Lastminute.com on Burns’ behalf, to see if somebody wants to right this wrong for the customer.

Every little helps, unless you’re referring to Tesco Broadband. As anyone who has tried their customer support number will know, whatever help you do receive will cost you one good kidney at the bare minimum.

Which? has been delving into the murky world of ISP technical support, and the numbers revealed – in particular those that appear on your phone bill – make for a disturbing read. Like a Stephen King novel, but when he was still good.

The magazine surveyed 45 service providers, and found that 32 use premium-rate numbers for customer support. A handful used 090 numbers, which can be charged out to the customer at up to £1.50. Tesco Broadband uses such a prefix for tech support and charges an eye-watering 50 pence a minute for the experience.

Only six of the service providers surveyed offer a freephone 0800 number including BT, Waitrose, and O2.

And then of course, there’s the time your call sits in a queue while you slowly lose your teeth, your looks and the will to live. Which? discovered the average wait to speak to someone was just over 90 seconds. If you’re a Plusnet customer, then it’s possible that scientists will have successfully developed AI by the time you’re connected; the average wait was nearly eight minutes, though one researcher had to wait over twelve minutes to talk to somebody.

[Which?]

There are plenty of reasons for preferring online retailers over traditional high street stores, but customer service tends to vary from brand to brand, company to company. Not according to the CEO of Play.com though, who out-and-out believes that the service offered by online retail outfits beats bricks-and-mortar every time.

Bitterwallet reader Matthew submitted this article, saying:

Here’s a lovely piece on Play.com’s aim for more world domination from this weeks copy of MCV, the video games retailer mag – which is sent to ALL video games stores in the UK. How’s this for a kick in the teeth from Play!

Stuart Rowe, CEO of Play.com is quoted as saying:

Online retailers are producing a much higher customer service level than that which you get in traditional retail.

We’re certain plenty of Bitterwallet readers would disagree with Rowe, in particular when it comes to packaging goods correctly, but that particular point aside; online retailers can certainly beat high street stores on price, but how do they fare on customer service? Do you only buy online these days, or do you like to get hands-on with goods? Have you found any distinct difference between a company’s in-store and online service? Let us know, why don’t you.

Thanks to Bitterwallet reader Lynda who sent us this admirable display of Natwest’s non-sequitur customer service from blog Fabby or Shabby:

I recently went into my local branch to pay in cash and cheques. When I had completed the transaction I asked if I could get some change, I needed pound coins for the weekend. I was told that this was impossible and I needed to fax them my request in advance. I was expected to go back to my shop, fax them a request for change and then go back down to the bank to collect it, despite me already being in the bank. When I queried the ridiculousness of this I was told that I was holding up the queue.

I was then patronisingly asked if I could be ‘helped’ with anything else.

I asked to withdraw fifty pounds.

When asked how I would like the cash, I replied: ‘Pound coins please.’

We haven’t decided what’s more shocking – the complete failure to provide a very basic business banking service, the stupidly obvious loophole which makes the requirement to order change in advance entirely irrelevant, or that you need to fax in your order. Fax. Have they looked at a calendar recently? Hello, McFly?

Have you any examples of banks missing the point when it comes to supporting your business? Let us know your best and worst examples below: