The level of Bronx cheering that goes on in a field of cows is enough to end the world… or something. For some time now, scientists and experts have appeared in various media and fretted over our farty bovine cousins, claiming that cows will kill mankind as flatulent assassins. To be more scientific, they contribute a paltry 4% of carbon emissions. The cows, not the boffins – there have been no investigations into boffin boff levels, which in itself stinks.

As such fast-food giants, McDonalds, have stated that they’re going to look up the ring and start taking notes. The global meat vendors have agreed to look into ways of lessening the problem. A study carried out in America in 2006 calculated that producing a single cheeseburger involves the emission of around 3.1kg of carbon dioxide.

“This ground-breaking project will help drive further reductions in our beef supply chain,” Steve Easterbrook, chief executive of McDonald’s UK, told the Observer newspaper. “At the same time it should also deliver real financial benefits to the farmer.”

The first readings will be taken in the US and will be due in April and specialist consultants will advise farmers on the best ways to reduce emissions and increase efficiency. If it works, then they’ll roll their ideas out to McDonald’s in Europe.

Of course, McDonald’s aren’t the first megashop to try something like this. Tesco did a bunch of tests on cattle that saw them fitting cows with microphones attached to a special collars which monitored their gaseous burps.

Who knows – maybe we’ll all soon be duty bound to start demanding that McDonald’s kills cows at a much younger age so we can eat them before they gas us into oblivion. Everyone at Bitterwallet fully embraces any new Happy Veal Meal Deals.

[Telegraph]

Latest from Asda’s webcam. Looks as though there’ll be plenty of carrots in the shops this weekend! Phew, eh readers?

Meanwhile, from recent CCTV footage in a convenience store in Puyallup, Washington…

Now that the scales have fallen from our eyes and we have finally seen the way, the truth and the light, we’re frankly staggered as to how the human race has managed to make it to 2009 without the help of a bra that turns into a couple of gas masks.

But somehow we have, and now that aforementioned item has been invented we can all sleep easy in our beds. The gas mask bra was one of the winners at the annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, held in Harvard, The United States, last night – the awards highlight inventions and discoveries that at first make people laugh but then make them think. We’re thinking about bras at the moment.

A cow named Sue

The gas mask bra’s pioneering inventors, Elena N. Bodnar, Raphael C. Lee, and Sandra Marijan of Chicago, took home the Public Health prize for the item, which can be removed from the breastacular area in an emergency and transformed into gas masks for two people. Hooray for that!

Other winners included Catherine Douglas and Peter Rowlinson of Newcastle University, for showing that cows who have names give more milk than cows that are nameless; three Mexicans who claim they can make diamonds out of tequila; and Ireland’s police force for writing and presenting more than fifty traffic tickets to the most frequent driving offender in the country — Mr. Prawo Jazdy — whose name in Polish means “Mr. Driving Licence.”

Well done to all of them – hopefully we’ll have cracked our own big invention soon (a steak pie that can send AND receive text messages) and we’ll be up there on the big stage ourselves next year.

Asda are super-keen to keep in touch with you, the consumer, and in the spirit of transparency, married to the technology of 1997, they’ve added some still-picture webcams to their exciting, vibrant Your Asda website. The concept is like something your grandad would come up with down at OAP’s computer club in the local library.

Today, the action comes to you live from a dairy supplier in Lockerbie, a carrot processing plant near Selby, and the atrium at Asda House in Leeds. We were glued to the live feed for almost two minutes earlier and got to see some carrots, some people and the lower half of a cow’s leg.

We much preferred the beta version that came out last month, where the nightshift kid ran around pissing in the bins and licking raw chickens but there you go…

Spot the cow's leg

Animals, eh? You can eat them, ride them, pet them, stroke them, blow raspberries on their belly and be arrested for sexing them in the face. Now they’ll see you through a recession, too, especially if you’re a paranoid Frenchman untrusting of the banking system.

At the moment, there are nearly 40,000 cows under contract in France at up to 1,000 farms. Investment in livestock will bring a 4 to 5 percent return a year after taxes, based on “natural growth” — the sale of their offspring, compared to an interest rate now of 0.75 per cent on the basic French bank account.

According to one farmer interviewed by the New York Times, a typical couple will buy 10 to 20 dairy cows for about £1,200 each and can decide to sell the offspring each year or keep them as additional capital. Obviously insurance is suggested; the last thing you want is foot-and-mouth running riot, and your investment burning on a pyre. At least you’ll have something to feed the kids on if it all goes horribly wrong. Money – you can’t take it with you, but it makes a decent steak sandwich.

[New York Times]