“Hi mum – listen you won’t believe the new acting job I’ve got. Get this – it’s in an advert… for McDonalds!

“It’s amazing. All I have to do is sit underneath a poster on the underground and pretend I’m asleep for a couple of hours every morning. Yeah, I know, it’s not really PROPER acting but it’ll look great on my CV, and it pays and they don’t mind if I actually fall asleep for real!”

“McDonalds think the advert will help people to hate them a bit less what with it being a pretty clever idea and… what’s that? No, I don’t want a job in cousin Steve’s car showroom. I’m an actor for god’s sake.”

The world as we know it will never be the same again. Ageing short-arse acting dynamo Al Pacino has finally buckled and made an advert, for reasons best known only to himself.

And here it is – filmed tastefully in monochrome, Al minces about manfully while growling the praises of coffee, important as it is for someone like Al whose job is to do some pretending sometimes. Must be fucking knackering mate.

If you were the head of the Global Coffee Marketing Board, you’d declare the ad to be a big hit. If you’re the CEO of the coffee brand allegedly being plugged (we couldn’t remember or be arsed to go back and check) you’d probably be less enamoured with it.

Still, eh… mug of Kenco anyone?

Cup of tea? Ice cream? Cheap holiday? Yes indeed, we’re bursting at the seams with the good stuff today. Take our hand and join us in the bargain fray.

If you get lost, ask someone from HotUKDeals to help. They’re fully trained in this sort of stuff.

Earlier we tipped you off about some of the perils of booking your summer holiday online, and now we’re going to recommend a cheap holiday option for you. We’re mad we are.

It’s the traditional ‘collect some tokens from a newspaper and get a holiday for only £9.50’ offer. Loads of locations to choose from both at home and abroad but make sure you read the small print first…

If you can’t get away this year, just wait for one of the few days in July and August when it’s hot and make the most of staying at home. There won’t be many of those days – we’ve almost had our complete allocation of summer weather.

But just in case, you can stock our freezer up with a box of Cornettos – right now you can get six of them in classico or strawberry flavour for only £1.09. Our resident maths boffins tell us that works out at just 18p each. Cornettalicilacious!

If you don’t fancy sitting outdoors, shivering as you suck mournfully on an ice cream, maybe you’d like to get inside away from the misery and enjoy a cup of tea or coffee.

You’re probably aware of the usual coffee shops and their overpriced caffeinated slop, but did you know that there’s a place on most high streets that will do you a cuppa for the titchy sum of just 49p? Well there is…

(deals found by HUKD membersnicster08, lucerysmum and garbage456)

The World Cup kicks off later today! The 32-nation feast of football that only comes around a dozen times every half-century is upon us once again. Some of the world’s finest players are assembled in South Africa, chomping at the bit as they aim to use their silky skills in order to get their hands on the iconic trophy. Oh, and Emile Heskey – he’s there too!

Anyway, we’re sick of the World Cup now. The build up has gone on for far too long and we’re all jaded before a ball has even been kicked. So here’s an advert for some kind of coffee drink starring Tommy Lee Jones as a man out catching cormorants with some Japanese people. There’s some philosophical musing in there as well.

Come on coffee!

If you’ve got a love of caffeine, are in the vicinity of a branch of Starbucks and have your own travel mug, you could bag yourself some free coffee today.

Avid Rabid HotUKDeals member enforcer emmajk42 has spotted that, as part of the Earth Day celebrations, Starbucks are giving away a hot or iced espresso for TODAY ONLY to customers who visit their stores with their own reusable travel mug.

The blurb explains that: “Encouraging customers to use reusable travel mugs will positively impact the planet and will help us reach our Starbucks Shared Planet goal that by 2015, 100% of our cups will be reusable or recyclable.”

If you don’t have a travel mug, Starbucks sell them instore and you’ll get a 25p tumbler discount every time you use it.

We approached Starbucks recently with an idea for a one-off promotional event but they still haven’t got back to us. Starbukkake it was called…

EDIT: If you’re in Starbucks, or anywhere else, and you see someone choking on their coffee, or a biscuit, or anything ever, why not send off for this FREE St John’s Ambulance survival guide. It’s FREE. (Thanks CNCH)

As found in Lidl by Bitterwallet reader Dick Dasterdly. Hopefully, the level of the week’s posts can only rise after this one.

Expensive gourmet coffee has taken a lot of flack this recession. The consumer gourmet coffee ambience triangle of financial incontinence is something we both love and hate. We know how ridiculous it is to spend £3 on a cup of coffee, yet we keep on doing it. Here are some sobering statistics about coffee in the the UK (and the world):

• 30% of the coffee consumed in Britain is instant coffee.
• Almost three-fourths of Brits drink coffee regularly.
• In the north east, coffee is consumed almost twice as frequently as tea.
• Next to oil, coffee is the largest trade commodity in the world.
• According to Mintel, increased coffee drinking in the UK is mostly due to expansion of the big boys like Costa, Starbucks, and Caffe Nero, a segment of the economy that was worth £1.2 billion in 2008.

Speaking of Starbucks, there are almost 400 branches of Starbucks in the UK. For the customers who fork out over £2 a day on a small latte there, it adds up to a hefty £500 a year (assuming regular lattes Mon-Fri, 1 cup a day). For those happy drinking their coffee at Caffe Nero, a small Americano can be had for £1.30, or a small Latte for £1.50. Over the course of a year, the difference of drinking coffee at Starbucks or Caffe Nero is actually quite staggering: a difference of over £110.

But why do people keep going out for coffee when a 39 oz can of Folgers costs £19, enough for 120 servings according to the label? £0.16 per cup, even with the costs of water, electricity, and filters factored in, is not a huge cost. The likely answer? Laziness, and the cost of machinery. A coffee machine to make that £0.16 cup of coffee is not cheap. Most run in the region of mid to high 3 figures.

Here are 4 coffee machine options you can consider (and if you find better deals, please share them with us!):

1. The Krups XP4020 is an Espresso and Capuccino Coffee Maker. At £94.33, the programmable 15-bar pump espresso machine with Thermoblock,steam nozzle, filter holder, 32 ounce removable water tank and a stainless steel drip tray for easy cleaning makes a pretty good buy. Reviews on Amazon.co.uk are worth a quick glance at, but appear generally good.
2. The Philips Senseo Coffee Machine is £149.99. Sixty-four pods of Senseo Douwe Egberts Coffee costs £20 on Amazon, equal to £0.32 per pod. Don’t let the single 1/5 rating deter you, as the reviews on Review Centre fare much better.
3. The John Lewis Dualit Espressivo 84200 costs costs £155.
4. The De’Longhi ESAM4200S Bean to Cup Espresso/Cappuccino maker is £349.99.

But that doesn’t answer the fundamental question: why people go out for coffee rather than making it at home, if it saves money. Is it the coffeehouse ambience? The delectable aroma of gourmet coffees being served? Or following the wisdom of crowds? Or are we all just a bunch of lazy bastards?

Ah, Starbucks – the sweet, sweet aroma of corporate America. Why do we stump up the best part of a fiver for a cup of the stuff? For the flavour, or the name? With indie coffee houses now ten a penny, and the likes of McDonalds already encroaching on their trade, the company has devised a new advertising campaign to explain why they burgle your pocket.

In the US, a series of ads will warn the mainstream cattle that “It’s not what you’re buying, it’s what you’re buying into” and “Beware of a cheaper cup of coffee, it comes with a price” and then explain that Starbucks make jillions from selling coffee to make the world a better place, not swell their profits to a Ron Jeremy-sized girth. All the ads carry the strapline: “It’s not just coffee, it’s Starbucks.”

The ads state that Starbucks is in the business of buying fair-trade beans and providing health care for US employees who work more than 20 hours a week, and that’s they why charge a little more, see? Except that doesn’t explain why the prices are extortionate in the UK where employees don’t need health cover, unless Starbucks is signing them up to BUPA.

It’s almost like Stella Artois’ Reassuringly Expensive campaign, but nowhere near as much fun. And you don’t feel all that reassured, either.

Here at Bitterwallet, we’ve had our ear to the floor, our fingers on the pulse and our arses stuck straight up in the air over the last few hours, all with one thing in mind – finding the coolest deals for you dudes at the beginning of a new week.

Having duly tracked them down, we now present them to you, like a well-meaning cat offering up a bleeding, half dead shrew to its master. The name of the cat?  HotUKDeals. You can stroke him, he won’t bite. Don’t touch the shrew though. Urgh.

They reckon it’s now more popular than picking your nose on public transport and wiping the bogey on the underside of the seat. They reckon the sales of it in 2009 will dwarf even those of the new Explode-In-Your-Mouth Revels.

Of course it’s Little Big Planet for the PS3. We reckon if you follow this link, you can get it for just 1299 of your hard-earned pennies. Oh yes.

If you’re teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown and are planning to drive to Dundee in your bare feet his weekend, here’s one way you can do it in style. By test-driving a new Renault Megane through Avis car rental.

That’s right – it’s yours for the whole weekend. But you’ll have to bring it back by Monday morning. Alternatively, you could just stay local and impress some girls by pulling some skids in an empty supermarket car park instead.

Lastly, if you’re a fan of coffee but you don’t like cake, this deal isn’t for you. Likewise, if you love cake but can’t stand coffee, it’s also advisable that you move away slowly from this particular piece of internet.

But if both coffee AND cake tick your personal boxes, get yourself along to Marks And Spencer to get both for just £2 after 2pm. Oh, we forgot to add, if you’re terrified of leaving your house, this deal is also not for you. Sorry if we got you excited.

(deals found by niminator, sbfc and wolvesinwales)

The heads up for the supercheap coffee machine in today’s Deals Of The Day got me thinking about the caffeine-filled miracle drink even more than usual (which is a lot.)

So I tried to track down the greatest ever coffee ad. A kitsch Mellow Birds effort from the early 1980s? Fraid not. The ‘will they won’t they have it off’ debacle of a saga that put me off Nescafe Gold Blend for years? Nope.

It has to be this, a Twin Peaks spin-off, made for Japan, starring Kyle McLachlan as Agent Cooper and even directed by the mighty David Lynch himself. A blatant sell-out but top-notch genius nonetheless – even if the picture quality is a little wonky.

“So… what size do you think you can you handle for 80p?”

I love a good cup of Hazelnut Latte. But coffee is just way too overpriced in this country.

I support the concept of ‘Fair Trade’ and all, but at the average cost at £3 a visit, the price of coffee adds up fairly quickly.

So when we discovered that The Guardian is giving away free Starbucks coffee vouchers every Friday until October 24, we’ve been collecting 20ps like good little Eagle Scouts. (more…)