Judging by this CCTV footage from an unknown shop somewhere in the known world, something’s going on up in the ceiling area.

Could it be a loose ceiling tile? Is it a leaky sprinkler? Maybe someone has caused a small flood in the floor above?

What happens next? Watch and see…

Imagine returning home to find you’ve lost your wallet – and you weren’t drunk. Pretty silly, huh? Yes. Except this is exactly what happened to Donna Mansfield as she strode soberly home from her local Lloyd’s TSB bank in Lancashire, only to realise she’d made the mistake of leaving her cash-filled purse right inside the bank.

Of course though, it was a bank and probably perfectly safe. Who in their right mind would steal something inside a bank? What, with all that CCTV? All those trained personnel and security buttons?

A random old woman using a mobility stroller, of course! And so adamant is she that nobody could ever stop her brazen illegality, she makes sure to look defiantly in the face of CCTV cameras before wheeling herself off into the broad light of day.

Police leapt on the case, with the astute observation, “her lack of mobility would suggest she is a local.” But crime-victim Donna could only calm her nerves with the chance that the pensioner wouldn’t have already died of old age by the time she was caught, thus allowing her to “strangle whoever took the purse.”

[The Guardian]

People, you should never assume anything. Ever. For example, never assume that you know how to correctly set up a mouse trap. Also, never assume that the pipe-smoking man you call Dad doesn’t spend his Friday nights in a niche-appeal nightclub fannying about on Vermouth while dressed as Eartha Kitt.

Likewise, if you’re going to complain about a bad experience you’ve had in a restaurant, never assume that the proprietors haven’t been closely filming you and will carefully study the footage before rebuffing your grievances.

That was response that Marilyn Fletcher received when she complained about the service at the Manor Restaurant near Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire. The restaurant’s manager, Simon Offen, rattled out an email where he said he had ‘watched and listened with interest to the video recording of her table’ and seemed to think that Mrs. Fletcher’s brood looked happy with things AND ate all their grub up.

Mrs. Fletcher had described the meal as “not much better than a school dinner” but after studying the video evidence, Offen sniffily concluded, “It is probably better that you do not use our facilities here again.” Woof Marilyn – he like TOTALLY owned you there.

The story has an added, creepier dimension as the restaurant is in Waddesdon Manor (above), which is owned by the National Trust. So, here we all are, bracing ourselves for the slow encroachment into our private lives by government agencies and it’s the bastards at the National Trust that are leading the way!

Next time you’re enjoying (or not enjoying) a cream tea at one of the Trust’s finest historical sites, it might be worth just checking under the table for listening devices and making sure the teapot hasn’t got a tiny camera hidden in it before you start shouting your mouth off.