Know this – there are fewer than 400 shopping days left until Christmas, or as it’s alternatively known, Christmeltime, Christania or Present Heaven.

With that astonishing fact in mind, it’s probably time you started stocking (geddit?) up on all the essentials you’ll need to make the festive season go with a smooth bang. Here’s some of the finest festive offers that are currently packing heat at HotUKDeals.

First up, some ingredients you’ll need if you want your Christmeltime luncheon to be a big hit – frozen spuds smeared in goose fat and frozen parsnips.

Health and safety warning – you’ll need to cook them before you eat them. But at only £1.00 per bag, you could just fire them out of your own personal garden cannon and still save money.

Next, the tree. Christmeltime without a tree is like Little and Large without Little and Large or The Corrs without The Corrs. In a word, it’s impossible to think about. If you don’t want a real tree, now is the time to reel in an artificial-looking real fake.

There’s a half price Present Heaven trees and tree lights offer on right now, with crappy little 3 foot ones for only £4.99 going up to ridiculously unnecessary £99.99 ones going for £99.99.

Finally booze. The pre-Christania alcohol offers are starting to hot right the frig up and while there are few things worse than hot alcohol, we’ll round up the latest and greatest… NOW!

There’s a one litre bottle of Baileys for just £9.00, six bottles of Cava for only £18.78 (down from an RRP of £44.94), a litre of Glenfiddich 12-year-old single malt for just £19.98 (down from £39.99) and 18 bottles of Becks for only £7.74. Remember – don’t drink them hot…

(deals found by HUKD members hmm-creme-eggs, siouxsie, chris3349, Trickyjabs, kwikeen and money-talks)

So here we go again – it’s the end of the week and that means True Or False Friday. Three bargains and a statement about each one. But do we speak honestly or bollocksly?

True Or False Friday is not filmed before a live studio audience and is in association with HotUKDeals.

THE DEAL:  All varieties of Baileys in one litre bottles for just £10 a pop.

TRUE OR FALSE?  The ‘Irish Cream’ in every bottle of Baileys is actually a single teardrop from God, sourced from a secret outdoor location in Tipperary.

THE DEAL:  The top ten albums as MP3 downloads – £3.97 per album or just 29p per track.

TRUE OR FALSE?  The top ten is no longer made up from sales figures, but is decided arbitrarily by Sir Innocence Kick-Gypsy, an aristocrat who bought the top ten chart positions when they were sold off by the government earlier this year.

THE DEAL:  Be Value Broadband for a whole year at just £6.75 per month. Plus there’s possible Quidco!

TRUE OR FALSE?  Broadband is measured by how much data will fit on to one of those really thick rubber bands. That’s how it gets its name.

(deals found by HUKD members infowight, lucerysmum and r3tract)

TRUE OR FALSE? All statements are FALSE

Whenever we try and imagine the typical Bitterwallet reader, we like to think of an alcoholic with a penchant for sickly coffee-based booze who enjoys investing in near-obsolete navigation technology and finding well-hidden pictures of a small boy within a fictional cartoon setting.

If that’s you then your ship has just fucking well come right in pal. Straight from the mythical island of HotUKDeals…

Now that Google have released Maps Navigation for Android-powered mobile phones, the traditional sat-nav could soon be obsolete. So why not buy a Tom Tom to store away as a future collector’s item.

It’s the GB V4 Classic and it’s only £84.99 delivered. Keep it in its box and it could buy you, or maybe your grandchildren, a seat at one of the tables on a futuristic version of Antiques Roadshow. They might value it as highly as, oooh, a hundred quid?

It’s that time of year when almost every other day sees us drooling over the reduced prices of bottles of Baileys all over the place. It’s a pursuit that’s as traditional and as unique as the shooting of the first cuckoo or the infamous ‘Tit Monday’ are at other times of the year.

Here’s the first Baileys-spot of the season – 70cl of the Mint Choc variety for only £5. Normally around the £12 mark, there is some talk on the HUKD forums of the stuff going out of date soon, but hell, how long does it take a reasonably alcoholic human being to get through half a litre of it? A hour? Two?

If you’ve got kids and need to distract them while you’re busy destroying your body with a gloopy mint-flavoured booze drink, we recommend the Where’s Wally? series of books. The little guy is tough for the younglings to find themselves, and with your Baileys-fuelled double/triple vision, you’ll be no help whatsoever.

There’s an introductory book for only £2.28 delivered, or as HUKD-er Mecoconuts helpfully pointed out, you can get a six-pack of Wally fun for only £6.99.

(deals found by HUKD members andyat2002, lulu123 and lottysdad08)

As regular as a foul-mouthed tirade from our devoted reader and commentator Mike Hock, here’s todays round-up of top-notch bargains pilfered from HotUKDeals.

One deal has been setting the world alight over at HUKD today – seasoned forumneers have been rubbing their eyes in disbelief, foaming at the mouthpiece, locking their doors and waiting for the Rapture.

It’s not that huge – but what it is is a 80GB HDD PS3 complete with a Blu-Ray of the movie 300, and it’s going for an obscenely cheap £249.99! Get over to HUKD and find out how you can get even more money off. Gosh.

It’s the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday night, but one thing will be sadly missing – the gently acerbic commentary of Terry Wogan. Famously, Wogan would slowly work his way through two bottles of Baileys as fuel for his withering disdain for the whole thing as the evening wore on.

We bet it wasn’t the piddling little 50cl bottles either. But they’re flying off the shelves at just £3.99 a go at the moment, so you can stock up before the weekend and get a full Wogan on as the drama unfolds.

Finally, for just £5.99, we give you the Maxi Tool. No chaps, it’s not some kind of miracle ointment, but an all-round lump of metal that will do almost anything – hoof-cleaning, nose-picking, scissoring and bottle-opening.

We’re getting one and we’ll be using it to get the shrink-wrapping off the two Marx Brothers box sets we’ve just ordered – 14 films for less than £25. Here’s the classic mirror scene if you’re not convinced.

(deals found by Sephiroth, eurochamps, amibees, millarcat and Kebabmonster)

Gather round boys and girls – we’ve got something to whisper into your delicate ears. Tales of bargains from around the world that will chill your teeth to the root and turn your hair as white as a witch’s pube.

Don’t blame us if you don’t survive – we’re only passing on what we heard at HotUKDeals…

Our first object of desire is a Toshiba 32AV555DB 32″ HD-ready digital LCD TV. Mmmm, if that description doesn’t make you want to try and ingest your own tongue with lust then we don’t know what will.

It’s available for only £314.99 but you might be able to get that price down to £240.81 if you listen to the wise old sages at HUKD. There’s also a 0% interest 3-month payment scheme available to help take the strain.

Once you’ve got your new TV all set up, sit back and pour yourself a nice glass of Baileys, the boozular drink of winners. What? You’ve got none left? You’ve finished the 17 bottles you got pre-Christmas when it was just a tenner a litre?

Just as well we know where you can get some more… for a tenner a litre! The holy grail of Baileys pricing! Click here for more info… and if you want to send us a some as a thank you, that would be great. Just write “FOR ANDY ONLY” on the side of the bottle in Tippex. Cheers like.

Now then, what to watch on your telly that’ll make you roar with laughter as the Baileys goes a-coursing through your veins. We really don’t recommend you look any further than the whole of The Smell Of Reeves And Mortimer on DVD – 2 discs for just £4.99.

As a taster, here’s the pair’s magnificent version of Stars In Their Eyes – worth a fiver just on its own. Especially when you’re ripped to the tits on Baileys.

(deals found by whizzkid, cacaroca and andywedge)

It’s almost the weekend again and all is well. If you’re a single man, Madonna’s back on the market, if you’re not a BNP member, your car/house probably won’t get firebombed any time soon, and if you’re a member of HotUKDeals, your eyes are probably spinning around on the end of their stalks in wonderment at the plethora of bargains that are up for grabs today. Here’s three of the best for ya…

Fuel wonderful fuel, get it while it’s cheap. Ignoring the fact that it’s not really is it? The prices are coming down although it’s still pretty extortionate compared to where it was a couple of years ago. Morrisons are the latest supermarket to join in the petrol war, knocking the price of a litre down to 89.9p. So that’s 90p basically.

Hey, can you imagine what a real petrol war would look like? Carnage, that’s what. And is it just us, or is the smell of petrol sublime? Almost as lovely as the smell of Baileys. Which reminds us…
(Deal found by lmw)
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Eating. Some say it’s overrated, while others reckon it’s an essential part of human survival. Perhaps the truth lies somewhere in between.

Whatever the truth is, today’s deals will help you enjoy a delicious, nutritionally balanced meal while making massive savings. More info and a broad menu of other offers are at HotUKDeals.

How can you fill yourself up for as few pence as possible? Right now, we can’t see beyond Asda’s 14” pizza offer – 2 pizzas the size of a couple of moped wheels for just £5. There’s ready-made options, or if you’re into weird stuff like BBQ sauce, pineapple and chorizo sausage, you can construct your own.

As HUKD member deepmenace says, “Approach the pizza masters with an easy smile and happy mood and they’ll be towering the ingredients on.” Amen to that – we reckon if you actually address them as ‘Pizza Master’ you might even end up getting a free one. Trying bowing as well.
(Deal found by Ianto0710)
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As the new James Bond movie hits the screens today, we don’t have a Quantum Of Solace, but we do have a Quartet Of Savings for you to hunt down and ruthlessly assassinate. Our men and women in the field are all working for the secret organisation know as HUKD and they’ve provided some tips to help you become a real live budget Bond.

If you want to be taken seriously as a smooth-as-f*** super spy, you’ll need a tuxedo. Them ain’t cheap, but there’s a 70% off sale at Debenhams at the moment. You might not get a tux, but there’s some lovely v-neck sweaters and ties to help get you started.
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When we’re not busy having controversial answerphone sex with bewildered 78-year old men, there’s nothing Bitterwallet loves more than hunting down and snapping up bargains. Thankfully, we’re affiliated with the geniuses at HotUKDeals, where bargain snaffling is what they’re into, rather than harassing pensioners. Here’s the best of today’s bunch.

If you’ve recently alarmed an elderly gentleman by ringing him up and boasting about having had a go on his beloved granddaughter, try and redress the balance by offering him a large tub of Baileys-flavoured Haagen-Dazs.

You can grab a 500ml tub for the ridiculous price of 99p. So ridiculous that some HUKD posters are claiming they can’t find any. But faint heart never won fair maiden and there’s nothing a fair maiden likes more than Baileys and ice cream, so get out there and see what you can do.
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