They say that games are the new movies. Whoever the hell ‘they’ are are clearly wrong.

This compilation of 50 abominable pieces of voice acting from games proves that they’re much better than silly old films.

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If you’re looking for a wedding photographer to perfectly capture the specialness of your big day of matrimony, Gareth Bowers of Fresh Images in West Yorkshire might not be your man.

We all have bad days at the office (your correspondent is currently enduring his second in a row) but when you’re snapping a bride and groom, you need to be on your game from start to finish.

When Gareth snappy-snapped the nuptials of Marc and Sylvia Day from Wakefield, he didn’t do what they considered to be a top-notch job – in fact, out of the 400 or so photos he took, they professed to like only 22. Ah, not good, especially when they paid him £1,450 for the job.

A judge has agreed that Gareth’s efforts were piss-pot-poor and awarded compensation be paid to the tune of £500 plus £720 in damages, which is not quite a full refund. Well, they did admit to liking 22 of the pictures…

Among the cock-ups from Mr Bowers and his videographer for the big day were…

• Missing the cutting of the cake, getting the backs of guests dancing instead
• Missing the couple arriving at the reception
• Generally being shit, taking hundreds of poorly-lit and badly-composed shots.
• Spelling their names ‘Slyvia and Mark’ on the thank you cards that were provided as part of the service.

Mr Day described Bowers as: “the Don Quixote of wedding photography – he just doesn’t believe that he can’t do it.”

Which we think is a very dignified and witty way to deal with the situation. We’d have called him a prick and poured sugar in his petrol tank.

We’re not here to dictate to you how you spend your cash but…

Fat-tongued, flan-handling cookery gimp Jamie Oliver has today conjured up yet another reason to be globally loathed by launching his own magazine, which is being pedalled as the equivalent of “being invited round to Jamie’s house.” Super – you haven’t got a problem with us bringing a bucket of petrol and some cheap fireworks along as well have you mate?

It’s imaginatively titled ‘Jamie Magazine’ – yes it even has the word ‘Magazine’ on the cover in case you mistakenly think you’re holding a sodding birthday card, and tucked away among issue one’s endless pages of drippy, self-regarding cack include a column by his glassy-eyed wife along with a feature on Jamie’s poker nights with his fellow bell-end Dexter Fletcher (where did we put that bucket of petrol again?)

Thankfully, although his magazine makes every single one of us a little bit more dead in our hearts, Oliver has gone to the trouble of printing his thoughts and feelings and photos on matt paper from sustainable managed forests, which makes it unique among UK food titles. Shame the little irritant couldn’t have printed it on rice paper – then we could at least have scoffed it after ploughing through its contents before exclaiming, “Is that it? Is that fucking it?”

We scratched our heads until they bled wondering who would be the next celeb deranged enough to launch a similar vanity magazine – the best we could come up with was this…

The organisers say, “We can assure you of an absolutely magical scene… just look how real and cold the ’snow’ appears to be.” But the punters disagree, describing it as “disorganised chaos” and “hell”.

It’s Lapland New Forest, a Christmas theme park based in Dorset. Customers have bombarded Trading Standards with complaints about their £25 experience.

Grace Tyrell of Fareham told the BBC, “The nativity scene (below right) was a picture on a painted wall which was viewed from a distance and which had everyone we met laughing.”

Other grievances surrounded unhappy animals, a broken ice rink and log cabins that are actually nothing more than some sheds that have been painted green.

According to disappointed visitors, the exciting-sounding “tunnel of light” was nothing more than a line of trees with some fairy lights hanging from them.

Lacking in both snow and elves, and with extra charges to pay in addition to the admission fee, it’s been a bad start to Christmas for a lot of Dorset kids.

Looks like we’ll have to rethink out Bitterwallet EasterWorld park, due to open in three months time.

With paths made from broken egg shells and an Easter bunny that’s nothing more than an inflatable punchbag with a face drawn on it and a pair of cardboard ears glued on top, we may have underestimated just what the public want from their theme parks…