Posts Tagged ‘apple’

Apple: Now promoting big penises

April 24th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

apple logo Apple: Now promoting big penisesApple have a new advert out, and it is supposed to show-off how much they think you should buy an iPhone. In a bid to do this, they’ve got some hipsters to join together and sing a 90s song.

So far, so typical.

However, what Apple seem to have missed is the message in the song they chose. They have these hipsters singing ‘Gigantic’ by The Pixies.

And that just happens to be a song about large black penises. Or, it’s a song about some people having sex while another watches. Either way, you have to assume Apple are too dumb to have checked out anything like that.

The lyrics go like this: Gigantic, gigantic, gigantic… a big big love… lovely legs they are… what a big black mess… what a hunk of love… walk her every day into a shady place… he’s like the dark, but I’d want him

Pixies bass player Kim Deal, who sings the track and co-wrote it with Frank Black, has said that the song is a bit dirty, and is based on the film ‘Crimes of the Heart’ where Sissy Spacek plays a married woman who has an affair with a black teenager.

So there you have it, fanboys. You need to go and get some gigantic love in you right away or you’ll make the ghost of Steve Jobs cry.

Apple offer worldwide recycling

April 22nd, 2014 4 Comments By Mof Gimmers

apple logo Apple offer worldwide recyclingApple are giving you the chance to throw expensive Apple gadgets in the recycling bin, worldwide. In some countries, they’re even allowing you to throw non-Apple products in the recycling too.

It seems they want to take some environmental responsibility and, over at their website, they’ve said that Apple retail stores will take back Apple products for “free, responsible recycling.”

The announcement offers gift cards if the unwanted product is reusable. Of course, you’ll be able to buy more Apple products with your gift card. If the product you hand in is nothing but unusable junk, Apple have kindly said that they won’t charge you to recycle it.

You might see parts of it being used in the next phone you buy from them, presumably.

That said, Apple will be stopping more than 421 million pounds of equipment going to landfills with this program.

“We believe we must be accountable for every Apple product at every stage of its use,” writes Lisa Jackson, Apple’s vice president of environmental initiatives.

If you want to find out more and watch a video about it all, click here.

burglar Google and Apple want anti theft smartphone kill switchA whole host of mobile-makers, including Apple, Google, Samsung and HTC, have entered an agreement to add a global anti-theft kill-switch in their devices from July 2015.

A report says that “devices going on sale after July 2015 will have the ability to remotely wipe data and be rendered inoperable, if the user chooses, to prevent the device from being reactivated without the owner’s permission.”

The publication adds that, should a handset be recovered, then data can be restored.

Apple, Google, HTC, Huawei, Motorola, Microsoft, Nokia, and Samsung (and some others) have all volunteered themselves to “facilitate these measures.”

While Apple have been working on something similar to this kill switch, they’ve got other problems concerning anti-trust accusations where the prices of e-books got hiked up.

California state Senator Mark Leno has criticised an element of this development. He said: “The wireless industry today has taken an incremental yet inadequate step to address the epidemic of smartphone theft. Only weeks ago, they claimed that the approach they are taking today was infeasible and counterproductive. While I am encouraged they are moving off of that position so quickly, today’s ‘opt-in’ proposal misses the mark if the ultimate goal is to combat street crime and violent thefts involving smartphones and tablets.”

The news that phone shops are selling stolen handsets from yesterday, shows that this is a big business and criminals will no doubt find a way around it in good time. However, if this acts as any kind of deterrent, it can only be a good thing.

The iPhone 6 could look like THIS

April 1st, 2014 8 Comments By Lucy Sweet

A mock-up picture based on leaked plans for the iPhone 6 Air suggest that everyone’s favourite smartphone has lost a bit of weight. In fact, it’s so thin that it almost merits a ‘concerned’ article in the Daily Mail sidebar of shame, alongside a photo of it on the beach in a bikini looking sad.

iPhone 6 concept NowhereElse and Martin Hajek 004 220x300 The iPhone 6 could look like THIS

A French website enlisted the help of a 3D artist, who created an image based on the schematics and specs of the iPhone 6, that somehow ended up on Japanese website, MacFan.

The superthin, superlight handset may have a larger screen with rounded edges and will allegedly come in a 4.7in and 5.7in versions. This goes against Apple CEO Tim Cook’s previous assertion that a larger screen size is harder to hold in the hand – but with larger screen models from Samsung, Nokia and HTC proving a hit, Apple might have changed its mind.

None of this has been confirmed, of course, but the MacRumour mill is obviously getting pretty excited, creating various visuals with curved screens and no home button.

Come June, we will all know the truth. And it will probably look a bit like the last one, but different.

Android more reliable than Apple

March 28th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

apple android Android more reliable than AppleAccording to a report, if you want an experience on your phone that you’d call ‘stable’, then it isn’t an iPhone you should hanker after. Turns out that the most sturdy system is on the Android, with less reported app crashes than iOS.

Apple fanboys will be further irritated (or indeed, quick to point out the minutiae of why this report is wrong) that the most stable phone you can buy is a Samsung Galaxy S4.

Performance monitoring company, Crittercism, researched their 1 billion active participants to reach these findings and, while Android apps crashed 1.7% of the time on Gingerbread on average, Google’s OS beats iOS overall.

Ice Cream Sandwich, Jelly Bean and KitKat have a crash rate of around 0.7% compared to iOS 6, 7, and 7.1 which have an average crash rate of 1.23%. iOS 6 crashes around 2.5% of the time, while iOS 7 is slightly improved at 2.1% and iOS 7.1 at 1.6%.

You can see an infographic of the various crash rates here.

Most prone to crashes are games, while the least likely to die on you are ecommerce apps. So, while Android takes the overall plaudits, the least stable OS you can have is their Gingerbread system. So it isn’t an outright win for Google.

Microsoft Office – now available on iPads

March 28th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

For anyone dull enough to wait – it has finally happened! Microsoft has released some of their Office applications Apple’s iPad.

The App Store now houses Microsoft Word, Excel and PowerPoint, which have all been rejigged so they work with the iPad. You’ll be able to view Office files, but not create or edit news ones unless you have an Office 365 cloud subscription. You will be able to recreate a laser pointer with your finger though, which is nice.

“When it comes to Office 365, the vision if fairly straightforward,” said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella. “It is to make sure that the one billion Office users have access to the high fidelity Office experience on every device they love to use. Today’s announcement marks one more step in that direction.”

Here’s a typical corporate video with stupid ukuleles and piddling, plinking pianos.

So there you have it. Microsoft and Apple, sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G. (provided you’re willing to stump up a yearly subscription to watch them go at it).

Are Apple emojis are a little bit racist?

March 26th, 2014 8 Comments By Lucy Sweet

Apple is working on giving more cultural diversity to its emojis – because at the moment all the people on there are whiter than an EDL march.
emoji 300x300 Are Apple emojis are a little bit racist?

It followed an email complaint by Joey Parker of MTV Act, who emailed Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO, to say that there were no black, brown or Chinese heads in the emoji vocabulary. The email was forwarded that same day to Katie Cotton, vice president of world wide corporate communications.

‘Tim forwarded your email to me.’ She wrote. ‘We agree with you. Our emoji characters are based on the Unicode standard, which is necessary for them to be displayed properly across many platforms. There needs to be more diversity in the emoji character set, and we have been working closely with the Unicode Consortium in an effort to update the standard.’

The last emoji update was in 2012 when they added some same sex couples to the mix. So when can we expect a multicultural cavalcade of differently coloured faces to tag onto our tweets and emails? Nobody knows yet, but maybe one day emoji-land will catch up with the rest of the world.

While they’re at it, could they also update their other emoticons? There are currently no emojis for gin and tonics or sex toys, which means it makes it hard for me to describe what I’m up to at the weekend.


apple android Apple to give iTunes to Android and tinker with TV?There’s a number of rumours bobbing around about Apple at the moment, and two of the more interesting ones involve iTunes and Apple TV.

Firstly, it is being suggested that Apple are thinking of offering iTunes to Android devices. However, the amount of complaining people have been doing about iTunes recently, you have to wonder if any Android users will want to go anywhere near the service.

Apple need to do something though – according to figures, iTunes’ rates have declined while things like Spotify are doing decent business. Google Music is on the up also, so is there any need to offer iTunes to anyone not using Apple devices?

They’re also rumoured to be tinkering with their Apple TV service, presumably on the back of everyone dashing off to buy Google’s Chromecast (as well as Roku and a mooted Amazon service) and the success of Netflix and the like. Basically, it looks like they’re going to offer a new streaming service which could be integrated into a new version of their set-top box.

Apple have already revamped the online store and they are said to be looking at featuring gaming capabilities. They are also hoping to sign-up with a variety of internet providers where they hope to separate the new TV service from public internet traffic, in a bid to get rid of buffering during peak internet usage.

Relatively speaking, it hasn’t been a spectacular year for Apple and other companies have stolen a march on a variety of products and services. Looks like Apple are playing hardball again, pinning their hopes on entertainment services rather than brand new products (although, there is this). For those waiting for an iWatch, it certainly looks like Apple are holding off while they try and tie up people’s viewing and listening habits.

Microsoft Office might be coming to the iPad

March 18th, 2014 No Comments By Lucy Sweet

On March 27th, Microsoft has something to announce, but they’re NOT TELLING YOU WHAT IT IS. Media bods have been invited to a special ‘cloud and mobile focussed event’.
microsoft office ipad large verge medium landscape 300x234 Microsoft Office might be coming to the iPad

What could it be? Well, rumour has it that new CEO Satya Nadella wants to unveil the new Microsoft Office for the iPad. Writers and freelance layabouts in cafes rejoice!

If it happens, it puts an end to Microsoft’s long and involved iPad snub. Like a sulky teen, they’ve been pretending for years that iOS wasn’t happening. But last year they launched software for iPhone/iPad so you can look at Word docs on your phone for free.

But they’re not going to let you have anything else for free. Oh no. If/when Office comes to the iPad it will in the form of Office 365, cloud based software for which you pay a monthly or yearly fee. Many businesses already use Office 365 for multiple computers (rather than getting a licence), but they’re likely to start doing a version for us drones if the rumours are true.

This of course, is all conjecture until the big event. Perhaps Microsoft’s new CEO won’t be unveiling Office for iPad at all. Maybe the ‘cloud and mobile focussed event’ will be an hour of him noxiously farting the Intel Inside theme tune while filming it on his phone?

Apple to unveil iPhone 8GB 5C ANY MINUTE NOW?

March 18th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade
iphone5c header 300x246 Apple to unveil iPhone 8GB 5C ANY MINUTE NOW?

some iphones recently

Apple is planning to launch an 8GB iPhone 5C at ANY TIME NOW according to some leaky documents.

Apparently German bloggers have obtained a product sheet from O2 Germany and claim the handset will retail at 60 euros (£50) less than the 16GB model.

Meanwhile, Engadget also suggest a downsized iPhone 5C is on its way.

Since the 5C’s launch in September, Apple has remained quiet about sales of the phone, but it seems that the iPhone 5S is outselling the cheaper version by three to one.

This has lead to Apple PANICKING LIKE HELL* (*possibly introducing a discounted 5C, or even – Heavens – getting rid of it altogether, so that a scaled-back 5S can be the Daddy.

How barmy.

Apple’s return policy shortened to 14 days

March 13th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

apple logo Apples return policy shortened to 14 daysThinking of returning your iPhone to Apple? Well, be warned – the company has now shortened their return policy from 30 days to 14 days.

The 14 day return policy has been in place for the Mac, iPod and iPad ranges for a while and now, the phones will fall in line with that.

The 30 day returns policy was one of the benefits of buying directly from Apple themselves. At two weeks, their return window is the same as everyone else, so the benefits of buying from Apple is now slightly reduced.

Of course, this won’t make a jot of difference to FanBois, but it is worth keeping in mind in case you were thinking of trying out an Apple phone.


Pono – a new way to rock in the free world

March 11th, 2014 3 Comments By Lucy Sweet

pono prototype Pono   a new way to rock in the free worldWatch out Apple, there’s a new digital music player out there that could rival the iPod. And guess who’s behind it? None other than that frisky whippersnapper, Neil Young.

Yes, Neil Young is developing a portable music player and download service which makes songs sound better. 68 YEAR OLD NEIL FREAKING YOUNG.

Called Pono, it’s a crowdfunded project that could potentially give the iPod a run for its money. Players will cost $399, and they’re very basic looking – shaped like colourful Toblerones.

But the thing about Pono downloads is that they’re bigger than usual, which means they won’t have that compressed, flattened quality. You will be able to hear the sound as the artist intended. The PonoPlayer can store from 100-500 albums, and there’s a memory stick for additional music.

Says Neil: ‘The simplest way to describe what we’ve accomplished is that we’ve liberated the music of the artist from the digital file and restored it to its original artistic quality – as it was in the studio. Hearing Pono for the first time is like that first blast of daylight when you leave a movie theatre on a sun-filled day.’

Now, remember, Neil has taken quite a few drugs in his time, but if this works as intended, it could potentially change how we listen to music.

So, if you’re sick of everything sounding neutered and flat in your ears, and long for the drama and depth of vinyl – get your wallet out and put in your pre-order on March 15th here.

Apple won’t unlock the iPads of the deceased

March 7th, 2014 6 Comments By Mof Gimmers

rotten apple 243x300 Apple wont unlock the iPads of the deceasedSecurity on technology is a huge, huge deal; but what happens when someone dies and you inherit their gadgets?

Josh Grant’s mother died, leaving him with her iPad. Of course, the tablet was secured with passwords so Grant asked Apple if they’d unlock it for him. Apple refused, despite the fact Josh had provided copies of his mother’s death certificate and will. Apple, it seems, don’t think these things are sufficient.

Grant said: “We obviously couldn’t get written permission because mum had died. So my brother has been back and forth with Apple, they’re asking for some kind of proof that he can have the iPad. We’ve provided the death certificate, will and solicitor’s letter but it wasn’t enough. They’ve now asked for a court order to prove that mum was the owner of the iPad and the iTunes account.”

Naturally, Grant could buy a tablet all of his own, but you have to assume that, rather than wanting an iPad to dick around on, he’s actually wanting access to photographs and the like.

Threads have been started on Apple’s Support Communities, but it seems like the tech giants are closing them all down. However, these things are cached.

Obviously, Apple have these measures in place to look after devices that have been stolen.

Grant said: “I’m a big fan of Apple, their security measures are great but we have provided so much evidence. At 59, my mum was fairly young, I’ve already lost my dad and it’s a bit cold of them not to treat things on a case-by-case basis.”

Apple announces CarPlay

March 3rd, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Volvo recently showed off their new Tablet Crammed Into A Dashboard Thing, and now, Apple have decided to show off their new technology which takes them into the world of motoring.

Basically, Apple are taking iOS into your motor with CarPlay. In short, it is a version of the iOS interface, but simplified so you don’t crash your car while using it. It’ll have voice-controlled stuff, obviously, and interestingly, there’ll be no virtual keyboards.

hero 610x444 500x363 Apple announces CarPlay

CarPlay is able to sync up with your calendar and emails, and as a result, will anticipate meetings and give you suggestions for relevant destinations and direct you there. Siri will read your text messages too, while allowing you to dictate a response.

This is all furiously bad news if you’re having an affair.

Of course, you’ll be able to listen to music through iTunes and Spotify and, as yet, Apple aren’t letting many apps through that they don’t own. CarPlay is driven entirely from your phone (iPhone 5, 5s, or 5c). If you’re getting a Ferrari, Honda, Hyundai, Jaguar, Mercedes-Benz, and Volvo, and have an Android phone, this is a bit useless to you.

More on all that, over at Apple.

Apple to test your health through your ears

February 19th, 2014 5 Comments By Mof Gimmers

apple logo Apple to test your health through your earsLike going for a run? Wear your iPod or iPhone (or even, your iPad because you’re a maniac) when you do? Well, Apple are aware of the amount of white earphones you see when people in Lycra charge by, and are looking at getting in on the fitness action.

You’ll no doubt be aware of the volume of people who are keeping fit, thanks to the profoundly annoying social media updates from various fitness wristbands and the like (note – if you’re one of these people, feel free to run into the nearest lagoon and never come back), and Apple have patented their own approach to it all.

They are planning on tracking how fit and well you are through your ears, thanks to some fancy headphones.

The sports monitoring system would put some sensors and accelerometers in the earbuds, which would track your physical activity, how much you’re sweating and what rate your heart is going at. There would also be a separate monitor which you could clip to your clothes or headphones. If Apple get on this, there’ll be no need for Apple Fanboiz to buy separate kit from Nike or whoever.

Here’s an image from the patent, via venturebeat.

apple earbud 500x399 Apple to test your health through your ears