If you look at this, you might go to jail

So it seems that the iPhone 4G that was recently revealed to the world when some Apple bell-end left it in a bar was the real deal.

After all, if it wasn’t, why else would Apple have called in the police and had six computers seized from the editor of the blog that unveiled the new version of the mildly-popular mobile telephonular device?

That’s what happened at the end of last week – Gizmodo editor Jason Chen returned from a night out only to find the dibble crawling all over his drum, in relation to an allegation of handling stolen goods (the leaked iPhone, in case you weren’t keeping up).

Following their world exclusive of the new iPhone last week, Gizmodo revealed that they had bought the handset for $5,000 from some bloke who had found it in a bar. The phone had been accidentally been left behind by hapless Apple goon Gray Powell.

But any suggestion that this might have been a planned leak has surely now been kicked into touch with the introduction of John Law into the ultimate geek’s pantomime. Steve Jobs is displeased and it doesn’t pay to piss off the Jobs. He clearly doesn’t abide by the law of ‘finders keepers.’

This is why Bitterwallet operates from a hermetically-sealed pod buried fifty feet below the earth’s surface – it allows us to operate above and beyond any law known to mankind.

Coming later – a story about boobs! Probably.

Believe it or not, but we’ve checked the records and apparently we haven’t ran a story about the iPhone since 2008, so here’s one now. It’s a preview of the new iPhone 4G model that is said to be on its way later in the year, and widespread changes are afoot!

The source of the rumour is iResQ, a complicatedly-named iPhone repair shop who we’ve never heard of, but their findings are sweeping The Internet so we’re happy to report them as hardcore facts.

iResQ claim to have in their possession a front panel component of what may or may not become the iPhone 4G and the great news is that it will be one fourth of an inch of taller than its current incarnation!

They also speak in hushed tones of a “reflective, mirror-like surface” near the top of the phone’s front panel, and word is that this is almost certainly a relocated proximity sensor, which could mean that the sensor could be used for other, brand new functions. Blimey.

With all of that in mind, here are some new rumours that we’d like to introduce to the global conversation regarding the 4G iPhone…

• The 4 in 4G represents the additional fourth of an inch in height that the phone will have.

• The added space in the iPhone’s casing will house a tiny container filled with brandy for the owner to use in an emergency.

• The newly-positioned proximity sensor at the top of the iPhone will act as a dream catcher – swipe at the air with the phone and it will detect dreams that you can then watch at your leisure via its iPod feature.

• The proximity sensor will also be able to detect animal faeces from a distance of up to twenty metres, making it invaluable whenever you’re trying to sniff out bullshit.

How the iPhone 4G might look if it has a cake mode

iPhone rumour alert! The new one is coming! In April! Some Koreans just said so! You heard it here (roughly) first!

Yes, according to a couple of reputable sources in Korea, the 4G is on its way and it’ll be chock full of new features, including a dual-core processor, improved graphics, video chat, an OLED display and a removable battery. Removable battery? Surely not?

According to The Register, the reports come from The Korea Times and Telecoms Korea, quoting sources at both Apple Korea and telecoms company KT, the Korean iPhone carrier.

Apparently, the 4G (the G is for ‘generation’) will have two built-in cameras, one front-facing and one back-facing to allow the video chat mode to work. Oddly, the removable battery would be a step away from the latest MacBook, which has a built-in battery, said to increase the number of battery cells that can be contained within the bones of the crate (we’re getting super-technical with the terminology here.)

Odder still, the rumourmongers claim that the 4G will be offered to large corporate clients to test for two months from April, ahead of a full launch in June. We’re adding our own rumours that it will have an edible ‘cake mode’ and will be able to take x-ray photographs of the insides of snails’ bodies.

Watch this space… or don’t – it’s entirely up to you.