Portas report set to give kiss of life to dying shops

December 13th, 2011 23 Comments By Andy Dawson

mary portas 431x276 300x192 Portas report set to give kiss of life to dying shops Don’t bring down those high street shutters just yet – Mary Portas is here to save everything!

The bob-sporting retail ‘guru’ has come up with a 28-point plan to help restore town centres to their former glories. Among her suggestions are the cutting of regulations for high street traders and plans for a national market day, where we all sell pigs to each other, or something.

Portas parped: “The model of the high street is so outdated. It is working in the same way that it did in the 1960s, but the 1960s are no longer here. Many [high streets] are sickly, others are on the critical list and some are now dead.”

Her report, which is due to be published today, was commissioned by the government. It is unclear where we’re all supposed to get the money from in order to resurrect the ‘sickly’ high streets. Perhaps that will be point 28 on the list.

Comments (23) Jump to most recent comment
  1. Posted by Rain on the parade December 13, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Improving access to the high street would help a lot. Free or cheap parking is on her list I think, but also need roads without jams. I’m all for fun & community in the high street, but I’ll not give up the ease of out-of-town driving & parking to get it.

  2. Posted by Nick T December 13, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Free parking? Where’s the income in that?

    I think it’s more far likely that the Government will force out-of-town centres to START charging for parking with the funds being used to, ahem, develop town centres, i.e. be skimmed off on paying “retail experts” and media celebs to state the bleeding obvious.

  3. Posted by commy December 13, 2011 at 11:45 am

    it won’t work. the high streets are dead.
    people buy online.
    they buy from big bulk stack warehouse/retails parks
    the only things that high st will continue to sell is snacks and coffee.

    until amazon open collection stores where you collect your goods directly instead of waiting for them to be delivered and possibly miss them due to having an actual life.

  4. Posted by Mary Porter December 13, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Hi, I’m Mary Porter (Yes really, twat face) I’m absolutely cacking myself, no not becasue I’ve just looked in the mirror, but because the high street is dying and soon I will no longer be able to make shitty programs and drive around poncilly in my Audi.

    I’m popping off to try to save another shop, offend the owner and drive around poncilly in my Audi, before the BBC realises that ‘The Highstreet is on the Deathwatch list.

    Toodles

    Sent from my iPhone4

  5. Posted by MikeBeaver December 13, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    What, not sent from your iPhone4s?
    Quick, get to an Apple store and buy one, that’ll help save the highstreet :p

  6. Posted by Mike Hock December 13, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Just picked one up from WALLWORTHS Mike! The little Indian man was very pleased, the owner, Gary Cooper was keen to help me setup my new iPhone4s.

    Sent from my iPhone 3G

  7. Posted by Mary Porter December 13, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    I’m Mary not Mike, apologies.

    Sent from my iPhone 3G

  8. Posted by Sicknote December 13, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    I saw Mary Portas on the Waterloo & City Line about 2 years ago and I thought to myself, “…..I bet she’s a right dirty bitch with a few beers inside her..”

    That is all

  9. Posted by Rich Howard December 13, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Cheaper/free parking would be awesome, as would banning “pay and display” cons in favour of pay on exit car parks, and there actually being enough parking.

    For me there are a couple of things that would encourage me to use towns more often:
    1) Not having a street market on the busiest day of the week. It forces hundreds of people down ridiculous corridors between stalls selling crap and the shop fronts. Not to mention getting stuck behind people wandering around at a snails pace. If you want a market, put it somewhere out of the way, NOT in the town square.

    2) More space in shops. It seems you can’t move in shops without knocking some stack of tat over these days. I was in the supermarket the other day and the aisles were full of more stands in the way. Annoying!

    3) Less crap shops. Every other shop at the moment seems to be a bookies or an amusements. Get shot of them from the high street.

    4) People thinking about others. Don’t stop in doorways or anyway you might be blocking anyone else.

    /end of rant

  10. Posted by Singhster December 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Mary getting paid to write the fucking obvious again, she must be laughing her bollocks off.

  11. Posted by Brad December 13, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Parking is certainly a big contributing factor, you cant even nip into Mr Patels for a drink or newspaper with some Zombie Traffic warden or a camera up in the sky ready to catch you out because you didnt know you couldn’t park in a loading bay between 11am-1pm and then at 1.05pm to 7.43am as long as it not a Match Day over the football, unless you paid £4 for half an hours parking.

  12. Posted by br04dyz December 13, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    need to add to Rich Howard’s rant….

    …if you want me to use the local butcher/fishmonger/bakery instead of the supermarket out of town THEN OPEN THE *UCKING STORE AFTER I FINISH WORK LIKE SUPERMARKETS DO!!!

    I feel cleansed – thanks!

  13. Posted by ash December 13, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    for fuck sake talk about after the horse has bolted – you’re about 10 years late love – still nice little earner Mary?!

  14. Posted by klingelton December 14, 2011 at 9:24 am

    The free parking has got to go someway to helping the high street, but also the local govt and private land owners has to realise that dropping rent would greatly aid the cause. With lower rents, the high street shops could compete a little better with those online. i know that i would pay and extra quid to have that cd now rather than wait a few days to have play deliver it.

    asking Mr woo to open his bakery into the night is unreasonable, althought i do agree that maybe he could open his store a few hours later and close it at 8pm rather than 5. there was an off license in huddersfield that used to close between 12 and 2 for lunch and close at 5. so effectively when people have a lunch break – you close and when they clock off, so do you. he’s out of business now, unsurprisingly.

    The final point is Leeds city council have just built a shopping arcade, which they havn’t filled yet and now – they’re building ANOTHER. fill the first! the parking in leeds is moronic, it’s all NCP crap and costs the earth for an hours parking. drop rents, drop parking rates, high street saved. job done.

  15. Posted by Dick December 14, 2011 at 10:22 am

    If they want to rejuvenate high street, surely they need to change the type of shops. All a high street needs is:

    1) An amazon collection point.
    2) A 24-7 hard liquor store.
    3) Starbucks.
    4) A brothel (preferably 24-7).
    5) Starbucks.
    6) Apple Store.
    7) Another amazon collection point, so you don’t need to walk the extra 100m to the other one.
    8) Starbucks.
    9) A drugstore, no not a chemist, a drugstore. Selling drugs.
    10) A pub to watch the football in while the wife collects the parcels from the amazon collection point.

  16. Posted by Dick December 14, 2011 at 10:23 am

    Why the fuck cannot I not do 8 ). I don’t want a fucking smiley glasses wearer.

  17. Posted by Frank "Ponch" Poncherello December 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    I would like to see somewhere where I can take my motorcycle to be serviced/repaired. Preferably a Motorcycle Barber shop so I can get my hair done while I wait.

    Sent from my Nokia 3210

  18. Posted by Businessman December 14, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    @Dick item 4 I’m sorry but I although it’s quite cold weather I can’t see a brothel would satisfy customer retail expectations. Broth is a lower-class kind of food so perhaps bruschetta with garlic consommé ?

  19. Posted by Boris December 14, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    As part my proposals for London I am working on the mobile high street concept.

    Land prices in London are far too high to waste on shops so I propose to move the shops to out of town and replace them with nice flats that can pull in a tidy proffit for some good freinds in the building trade.

    The shops will then be converted to mobile selling platforms (lorries) that drive slowly around the city selling goods.

    Ah, you say, that will clog up the roads good and propper you plonker Boris! Not so; I will remove all of the buses to the create space. Now you can flag down Rita’s Organic Bakery as it goes past and get your floury baps on the way to work!

    Genius.
    I got the idea when a trap tried to sell me some cheap fags on a bus the other day.

  20. Posted by A Trap December 14, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    Anybody want to buy cheap fags?

  21. Posted by wanker December 15, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    we have 14 charity shops and a load of 99p crap shops,who can resist NORTHWICH.

  22. Posted by Mike December 16, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Well I have just looked at the Minority Report for the future of the High Street and I can tell you it’s this

    1) Kebab Shop
    2) Pound Store
    3) Charity Shop

    Repeat as necessary

    Sent from my iPhone 12GTi

  23. Not a nice range of opinion………………or educated comment. Whats wrong with all of you?

    Town centres and the range of options that could be made available to all surely is an important factor in a different way of partipating in society other than shopping. Maybe the effort will give everyone a chance to do something, innovate, create new services and be more creative. Maybe there should be a shop where people at least learn how to make opinions without swearing and insulting others. ……….waste of time, waste of effort.

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