Not The Onion

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Microsoft's toe-curling 'bae' invite

You know when someone learns a new word and then repeatedly uses it until you want to introduce your foot to the back of their pants? You will have seen these people all over Facebook, saying "squad goals" for no reason, saying that they're 'twerking' when they're not, and referring to things as 'on fleek'…

Chicken head found in wings meal

You can find all manner of stuff in a fast food order - that's part of the thrill! And as you can see by the huge picture of a fried chicken head, one lucky junk food guzzler got a meal with eyes they could gaze into. This lovely image was shared via LiveLeak, and the…

Man sues Lidl for opening a bit later than usual

Welcome to the story of David Benson. He's 65 and irritated with Lidl. Why? Well, his local store opened up a bit later than it would normally, which caused his mince beef to go off. And he's suing them about it. Benson arrived at the Lidl in Edgware around 10am on a hot day last…

All hail the brilliant Tennent's letter

Someone in Scotland, taking the Michael of course, and apparently got in touch with Tennent's basically asking them to organise a piss-up in a brewery, and Tennet's 'replied'. A fan of the booze asked the beer vendors if they could "hold a giant sesh", with references to happy hardcore royalty DJ Hixxy thrown in too. The…

All hail the Ian Beale Nike trainers!

Did you know that you can get personalised trainers with your name on them, or whatever you want? Both Adidas and Nike do the personalised trainer thing, so when one fella decided to get some Nike runners with something on the back, he didn't account for his mates mucking about. Mid-order, Danny Hunter took his…

Passwords, are the bane of everyone's lives. So much so, that Google and others, are trying to get rid of them. Well, poking fun at all that, someone's gone and made a video starring the world's worst password. We're not talking about 'password123' or anything like that. You'll have to watch it to understand. Did…

A restaurant in LA called Frijoles & Frescas, which sells tacos and the like, got robbed. So, they did what anyone should do - get the CCTV footage and turn it into an advert. The restaurant pieced together the various bits of security footage, and added some amusing captions, and hey presto, you've got something…

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Deathwatch: Santa Claus

Deathwatch: Santa Claus

We like to keep an eye on the health of the businesses around the world here at Bitterwallet, which is why we have a 'deathwatch' section. At the close of 2015, we have some rather distressing news - Father Christmas is at the risk of going bankrupt. An audit shows that Santa’s finances are all…

Underground threatens people with Star Wars spoilers

London Underground are looking at penalising fare dodgers with a most dastardly thing - Star Wars spoilers! If you don't buy a ticket, you might get reprimanded by finding out that Jabba the Hut is actually Chewbacca's real father in the new film, The Force Awakens. Of course, if you've already seen Star Wars, you can…

Simply Be website shows off the Mein Kampf bra!

You might think of Simply Be as the place to get yourself a bra or some fancy lingerie, but this week, it has been showing off a very different type of thing. While looking for a full cup wired black bra, Sylvie Metcalfe found herself looking at Hitler's book - 'Mein Kampf' - instead. We…

Behold! The lady who dyed an Asda bag into her hair!

Putting dye in your own hair, at home, can be mildly perilous at times. Things can go wrong, you can burn your scalp, or the colour comes out all weird... however, there's one young lady who has taken the crown when it comes to hair dyeing mishaps! She decided to use an Asda plastic bag…

PornHub have hired someone who really gets how the internet works because, apart from giving people something to look at while they have their hands down their pants, they've also been doing loads of marketing that has almost instantly memed. And now, as everyone gets their feelings out for Christmas in the advertising world, PornHub…

A Yodel driver has been sacked after they were filmed drifting around a roundabout in their work van. Obviously, it was a rookie error doing this in a marked van, as the world is full of grasses and humourless bosses... and, yeah, it is dangerous or something. Watch the video here. Now, watching that van…

Local shop may incur the wrath of Tesco with name

We do love a little shop with a dodgy name, especially ones that sound too much like a massive chain. And so, to South London, where we find a shop called Tesos Express. Now, this shop used to be called Union Convenient, but they thought they'd have a rebrand and potentially get Tesco's lawyers knocking…

Co-op man suspended for sitting on scally, gets job back!

Remember our pal who worked in a Co-op, who sat on a scally who was trying to shoplift booze? Well, sadly, he got suspended from his job, because you're not supposed to sit on people's necks. If you can't remember the incident, here's a lovely photo of our hero. Good news! He's got his job…